They’ve just opened the Times Square swimming pool.
It goes up to the Hudson Channel (formerly the Hudson River) and from 43d St. almost to the Garment District.
I go to the the shallow part for waders, where the No. 7 subway used to stop.
Put a toe in — just for a second.
I’ve seen that water simmer but never quite boil.
I can’t complain about the temperature.
The rump roast l put on the sidewalk at home must be almost done.
Whine about climate change all you want.
I’m saving a ton on gas and electric.
If you’re tired of all this free central heating
Get standing room on any flight to Pittsburgh.
The sand beaches are beautiful. Surf is up.
There’s always an ocean breeze coming off the Monongahela River.
I do miss my old North Carolina beach house
But how do you sunbathe under water?
I just pay the real estate tax and hope the tide goes back out.
There’s a lot less dry land in the old USA and it’s going for a fortune.
American farmers used to pray for rain.
Well, prayers answered.
Corn took a hit but Iowa farmers got busy
Rolled up their pants to the knees,
Planted rice in the water.
Some crops go to seed but at least no Mexicans.
No more running around our soy bean fields,
Committing rape and incest.
Laying barbed wire around South Dakota and putting all the illegals inside?
One of the smartest things President Koch ever did.
Meanwhile down in Texas scientists say they can process food out of dry dirt.
The new secret formula for Coca-Cola has sand in it.
I saw a mesquite Christmas tree down there that was absolutely beautiful.
A kiss is a kiss whether it’s under mistletoe or tumbleweed.
Don’t mourn the dried-up river beds.
They are going to come in handy when Clarence Thomas Oil lays the new pipelines.
It is kind of ironic though when
Up north skiers are being asked to wear life preservers.
If you worry about the parade of tornados tearing up Kansas and Oklahoma
Think of it this way. First, God, the architecture critic, is exercising taste.
Second, learning to straighten out those whirlwinds and twisters
Will make enough energy to power every air conditioner in the country.
I don’t understand ”Energy Crisis.”
My car started right up this morning
Got me to Walmart and back just fine.
Plenty of energy.
Air pollution?
I opened a window just now, sucked in a mouthful.
Didn’t do me a bit of harm.
Every time I get blue (that used to mean you’re cold)
I thank god television reception keeps getting better.
Doing away with Congress saved our democracy.
Things are great.
BERNARD HOLLAND