Amber Heard
Laid a turd
In his bed
Or so I’ve heard
That’s absurd
Says Amber Heard
My sheets are clean
That’s vented spleen
Says Mr. Depp I beg to differ
I know that girl
And I can sniff her.
If I could, I’d shake my finger
Unfortunately it’s not all there
Ms. Heard has shortened it I fear
He’s suing me for fifty large
And defamation is the charge?
He said i’ve hurt his reputation
Now I’m accused of amputation?
See my body bruised and battered
To him it seemed it hardly mattered
So brutal were his ministrations
I had installed a first aid station
At Christmastide he beat me senseless
As I sang of Good King Wenceslas
The Easter bunny felt his wrath
Peter Pan froze in his path
His birthday card the year just passed
Suggested it would be my last
Calumny, her mate replies
Wiping glass shards from his eyes
The poems I mailed her hot and tender
Came back marked “Return to sender.”
The epithets, the flying missiles
There’s homicide in those dogwhistles
Oh matrimony, how we soil it
Love, honor, obey flushed down the toilet
“To have and hold” still has our vote
But please, dear God, not by the throat.
The market view for “love and cherish”?
My prediction (sigh) is bearish
As “for better and for worse ”
“He’ll get his“ and “She’ll get hers.”
“Death do us part”—our wedding oath.
A guarantee, a long term troth.
The way these two accelerate
There may not be much time to wait.
BERNARD HOLLAND