(As opera pursues relevance in the 21st century it lurks here in the aisles of your local drug store.)
“TITUS PHARMACOLOGUS” by Georg Wilhelm Friedrich ”Jelly Roll” Hegel.
THE ARGUMENT
Propecia, Princess of Bare Headlands, is confined to the castle of Turandot.com, an evil sorceress. Propecia’s brother, Rogaine is similarly banished, he to the province of Bald Mountain. These are lands barren of growth, bringing with them side effects like nausea, diarrhea, muscle pain or weakness.
Propecia, alone with her handmaidens Allegra, Zocor and Ecotrin, pines for her lover Flonaise (the aria ‘I have that hot, burnIng. itching, sensation called love’). Unaware,
Flonaise, king of SInusItis, has busied himself opening new channels and clearing blockage in the turgid swamplands of his kingdom. Meanwhile, Richard of Viagra, Turandot.com’s warlike conspirator, known sometimes as Richard the Upright, is enabling risings among the men of Bare Headlands.
Propecia entrusts her childhood friend Fatty Acids to bring a secret message to Flonaise pleading for relief. Resentful of Viagra and baring a heart burning with love, Flonaise rallies allies from the principalities of Gas, Indigestibus and Malaisia for an invasion by sea. The
admirals Gaviscon, Prilosec and Mylanta, with trombone obligato, sing “Blow us forth from here
and into the nostrils of our enemies” They set sail across the sea of Zantac.
On the beaches of Bare Headlands Flonaise’s forces clash with Viagra’s vanguard under General Flomax, Regent of Greater Prostate, and drive the enemy beyond the walls of Propecia’s castle. A siege rages and Ditropan, Flonaise’s chief lieutenant, cries out for help to Titus Pharmacologus, God of Normal Blood Pressure
and Correct Metabolism. (the aria “Hear me. oh mighty Druggist.”)
Titus responds, visiting on Viagra’s troops and their families neuralgia and lower back pain resulting from everyday stress and tension. In a double chorus Viagra’s men seek relief and sing to their wives “Come to us,” the women responding “Not tonight. I have a headache.”
In victory Titus descends from the heavens to bless the virtuous and punish the wicked. In chains, the disgraced Viagra is condemned to a life of dry mouth, constipation and dizziness. As they wed Titus promises to Propecia and Flonaise many children with full hair and clear nasal passages and presents to them the prescriptions necessary to a long and happy life, if taken as directed.
*****
(Georg Wilhelm Friedrich “Jelly Roll “ Hegel, born 1710 in Aarf-am-Hundig, Westphalia, died in 1756 in Sennacherib, N.J. Of his intervening years I have not the vaguest idea. “Titus Pharmacologus” was written somewhere between 1715 and 1756.). FDA OPERA updates a NY Times item from Aug. 15, 1999.