A Concert-Going we will go

It’s a pianist I’ve heard of

The program’s so so

I’ve seen all my crime shows

I think I shall go

The critics weren’t raving

A few years ago

They write all this nonsense

So who says it’s so

If watching his fingers

Gives you a thrill

You’ll pay through the nose

For each shiny trill

I’ll sit in the back

And save a few bucks

You’ll say you prefer it

It makes you look chill

Once in my seat

I‘ll assemble my tools

They’re all regulation

I know the rules

First is my cell phone

I make sure it’s on

My hearing aid whistle

Will be perfectly tuned

I’m relieved to discover

I’ve still got that cough

This hall’s acoustics

Will be more than enough

The program’s on paper

That rattles precisely

My shoe soles are leather

And shuffle quite nicely

So I’m ready for you,

My audience queen

My concert hall Nazi

So where have you been?

Bergen-Belsen, New Jersey?

So exclusive a home,

Where no one from Buffalo

Is likely to roam

My jailer, accuser

Defender of art

My citizen’s arrester

So dear to my heart

I’m here right behind you

Let the battle begin

Will we be silent

Or wallow in sin?

Start with one sneeze

Don’ t squander your arsenal

Not here, at least,

Maybe at “Parsifal.”

Wait til the Mozart

To unleash a soft fart

Your first cough’s direction?

The development section

Now look at your program

And turn every page

For you, self-improvement

For Madam, outrage

I’m reading the notes

For a new piece tonight

Passacaglia for Piano

Claw Hammer and Fife

They're playing it early

No escape, take your hurt

Want to hear Chopin?

It’s last. It’s dessert

Our Nazi’s ecstatic

Her clapping prolonged

Maybe now is the time

To sing her my song

Delicate eruptions

Of bronchial distress

Make Beethoven’s “Moonlight”

A bit of a mess

My program, I dropped it

Oh where did it fall

It’s under her seat

I’ll have to crawl

Sorry, I bumped you

My shuffling feet

Add subtle percussion

To Brahms’s discussion

But caution, our Nazi

Is hardly unarmed

Her neck seems to swivel

With each sound uncivil

Her gaze of contempt

Leaves no one exempt

For all who dare pierce

Holy silence so fierce

I feel like a man

At two concerts at once

One partakes of sweet noises

Says the other, shut up

If polIcing is thorough

And our stillness prevails

Every quaver will waver

No Liszt will be missed

Yet lurking subliminal

Is a dread hard to shake

A horrible blunder

One among us will make

It will ricochet everywhere

Our good will defamed

The guilt is not ours

But we’re covered with shame

Hard won is the silence

That audiences crave

So strong it joins Mozart

Up there on the stage

In Berlin or Stuttgart

We have little to fear

Those orderly souls hold

Obedience most dear

Rejoice in such evenings

But when they are done

Walk out to your car

And look where you are

Do battle, my Nazi

With naughty cell phones

But to listen to music

I think I’ll stay home

BERNARD HOLLAND