Relationships
Horseshoes are better than Circles
Recently an online post from writer Rebecca Sparrow caught my eye. I couldn’t help but think how relevant it was for our students and, for us as adults. From time to time, I find myself supporting students who are finding connections hard to secure at school. They may be experiencing lunchtimes alone or moving between groups. One of the biggest challenges is that the students speak to me about students making it difficult for them to join. We have heard this before, groups with ‘rules’, groups who seemingly must assess the ‘suitability’ of a new ‘member’. All too often the student requesting to join has very little control and admittedly it can be one of the most challenging scenarios for me to support.
Interestingly I rarely have the ‘group’ come to me for advice. They are seemingly invisible, hard to identify in a way that provides support and discretion to the student trying to secure friendship. So, when I read the concept of horseshoes, I thought maybe this an avenue is to reach out to you as 'groups'. I invite you to read this snippet and keep it in your toolbox. Read more....
From Rebecca Sparrow* ….
Not so long ago a parent emailed me asking for advice about her daughter who was struggling having a new person joining their group. This new girl wasn't causing trouble, it was more that she was quiet and a bit boring and didn't share any of their interests.
Here's what I wrote back ....
*****
I just want to acknowledge how hard this is. It's really really hard. But here's the thing ... there will come a time in your daughter's life when she is the person who is looking for a safe harbour. It might not be when she's at school. It might be at an out of school club. At university. A job. As a school mum. But a time will come when she is just trying to find a place to sit. Those moments - which happen to all of us at some point - are excruciating and painful and lonely.
If the toughest thing that your daughter goes through during her schooling years is having a girl she doesn't gel with sit with her group -- then she's pretty much won high school in my books. I understand she wants to be with her friends and share those in-jokes and private conversations ... I get it. I really do. And I don't want to dismiss your daughter's feelings of discomfort. But can she remember a time when she felt alone and needed somewhere to sit?
I think it's actually a tiny sacrifice to include this girl who - trust me - KNOWS she doesn't fit in or belong.
Make space. We want to teach our kids to sit in horseshoes not circles - as Glennon Doyle says. We want the fallback position to always be -- we have room for one more. And we will include you with good grace rather than through gritted teeth.
Trust me -- I know how hard that can feel at 13 or 14 or 15.
My guess is that this will be a short-term thing. This girl will hang out with your daughter's group until she eventually finds a place that is her natural fit. Until then, try to welcome her. And focus on what positive qualities she brings with her rather than zooming in on how she doesn't fit.
High school is the long game. And the power of kindness must never be underestimated.
*Rebecca Sparrow author of Find Your Tribe (and 9other things I wish I’d known in high school) and Find Your Feet (The 8 things I wish I’d known before leaving school) and the best-selling book and Podcast Ask Me Anything (heartfelt answers to 65 anonymous questions from teenage girls).
It's not about the nail ...
Sometimes the key thing is just to listen. We can't fix everything, and at times, we just need us to be a listening ear is all. Our friends know we may not be able to fix things, but we can listen.
