Draft 3
Tom Flores
Dr. Gen
AP Language and Composition
30 September 2016
Colleges continue to transform and alter the minds of students, but what gets a student there? As time continues to pass, the number of enrollment rates are decreasing. According to Tim Goral, author and editor-in-chief of University Business, enrollment rates continue to decrease because of the friction placed on students (Goral 32). In response, college enrollment rates are based most importantly to the selection of the right college. Through the course of education, selecting the correct college is crucial in developing a “collective future” (Weissbourd 8). Richard Weissbourd, the family psychologist at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, purposefully express education should not only pertain to personal success, rather, something to look forward to. Weissbourd continues, “What should matter in admissions is... students’ willingness to immerse themselves in an experience and the emotional and ethical awareness and commitments this generates”(10). As suggested, the selection to the correct college should revolve around the plans and purpose of students. Ultimately, students must choose a college that can benefit and influence their life in a positive and knowledgeable way to pursuing a bright future around them.
While many seek a college education, the beliefs of an individual are of vital importance. Namely, an individual's religion and spirituality. Julie J. Park, the assistant professor of higher education at the University of Maryland, and Kristin Paredes-Collins, the associate editor aiding Kristin, express the limitation religion can have on students, “Some students may actually be initially more resistant to engaging in issues of justice and diversity because of their religion values" (100). Though religion may be important to people, engagement of issues are crucial to modern day intellect. On the contrary, religion also has its own, “different light" (Park and Collins 101). They continue to express, “religion and spirituality may be particularly important for some students as they assesses their beliefs, values, and convictions, asking the "big questions" about meaning and purpose" (Park and Collins 101). Whether religion may serve as a limitation or a benefit, the effect on choosing a college revolves around a student's belief. As proven, certain beliefs impact decision making which particularly leads to immense amount of influence on college selection.
In spite of students beliefs, athletics and culture also impact the decision in their college admissions. In other words, the contribution athletics play on a school,“merely take the place of... the overall academic endowment” (Clopton 107). Aaron Clopton, the associate professor and the program director for Sports Management at the University of Kansas, clearly states that athletics impact both the college and the individual view on where it is they choose to go to. Clopton continues, "Athletics and university administrators must continue to revisit the extent... through the both the game-day experiences and in overall athletic marketing strategies" (113). Athletics based schools, such as UCLA and USC, are bound to have twice the admissions as a non-athletic school, solely because of their athletics. Furthermore, a college's environment on athletics are monumental. In particular, Uma M. Jayakumar, the Associate Professor at the University of San Francisco’s School of Education and a Faculty Associate at the University of Michigan, and Eddie Comeaux s associate professor of higher education in the Graduate School of Education, wisely assert how athletics affect a college's environment, "the internal environment might be the most visible element of the intercollegiate athletic department culture, epitomized by mascots, logos, slogans, written documents, buildings, cheers, rituals, and ceremonies"(493). As expressed, athletics are not only critical to selecting a college but also impact the overall college.
Although athletics may influence an individual, the central opinion lies behind an individual's career pathway. In the world, there are differences everywhere and in everyone. Roger B. Ludeman, the Executive Director of the International Association of Students Affairs and Services (ISAS), and Dennis E. Gregory, an associate professor of higher education at Old Dominion University, suggest college as a whole should be viewed from a personal driven view, "Higher education and student affairs professionals... must be student-centered and acknowledge students as partners and responsible stakeholders in their education" (39). Education revolves around an individual's major. The choices have "widened" for many students, however students must find somewhere they have both a passion and a calling to. (Wathington 20). Heather B Wathington, the assistant professor of education and the University of Virginia, expresses college and higher education is achieved when an individual "signals the development of interest" (23). Wathington continues, "Presumably, the relationship between interest and knowledge acquisition drives program concentration and ultimately degree completion"(23). Students are evidently influenced by there field of interest. From the evidence, a student's career pathway not only influences their decision making, but ultimately is what motivates them to complete there degree.
Indeed, college admissions are crucial in taking the next step to education. Whether students are influenced by religion, athletics, or there field of interest, the selection of a college should be something that transforms and benefits them in an altruistic way. To choose the right college, one must reflectively look upon themselves that is. In a society of opportunity, college ultimately revolves around the student, and what they choose that will benefit there future.
Work Cited
Clopton, Aaron W. "The Impact of Athletics upon the Social Sustainability of the College
Campus." Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader, Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.106-119.
Goral, Tim. "Where Have All The Students Gone?" University Business, vol. 19,
no. 7, 2016, pp. 32-36. EBSCO, http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=tfh&AN=116689770&site=ehost-live. Accessed 7 Sept. 2016.
Jayakumar, Uma M. and Eddie Comeaux. "The Cultural Cover-Up Of College Athletics: How
Organizational Culture Perpetuates An Unrealistic And Idealized Balancing Act." Journal Of
Higher Education, vol. 87 no. 4, 2016, pp. 488-515. EBSCO, http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=tfh&AN=115168890&site=ehost-live. Accessed 7 Sept. 2016.
Ludeman, Roger B. and Dennis E. Gregory. "Higher Education Student Affairs and Services Around
the World." Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader, Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.36-64.
Park, Julie J. and Kristin Paredes-Collins. "Spirituality and Religion in Higher Education."
Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader, Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.95-105.
Wathington, Heather B. "How Higher Education Can Improve Outcomes for All Students."
Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader, Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.36-64.
Weissbourd, Richard. "Turning the Tide: Inspiring Concern for Others and the Common Good
through College Admissions." A Project of the Harvard Graduate School of Education, 2014,
http://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/files/gse-mcc/files/20160120_mcc_ttt_report_interactive.pdf.
Accessed 30 August 2016.
Draft 2
Tom Flores
Dr. Gen
AP Language and Composition
8 September 2016
Colleges continue to transform and alter the minds of students, but what gets a student there? As time continues to pass, the number of enrollment rates are decreasing. According to Tim Goral, author and editor-in-chief of University Business, enrollment rates continue to decrease because of the friction placed on students (Goral 32). In response, college enrollment rates are based most importantly to the selection of the right college. Through the course of education, selecting the correct college is crucial in developing a “collective future” (Making Caring Common 8). The Making Caring Common Committee, the publishers at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, purposefully express education should not only pertain to personal success, rather, something to look forward to. The Committee continues, “What should matter in admissions is... students’ willingness to immerse themselves in an experience and the emotional and ethical awareness and commitments this generates”(10). As suggested, the selection to the correct college should revolve around the plans and purpose of students. Ultimately, students must choose a college that can benefit and influence their life in a positive and knowledgeable way to pursuing a bright future around them.
While many seek a college education, the beliefs of an individual are of vital importance. Namely, an individual's religion and spirituality. Julie J. Park, the assistant professor of higher education at the University of Maryland, and Kristin Paredes-Collins, the associate editor aiding Kristin, express the limitation religion can have on students, “Some students may actually be initially more resistant to engaging in issues of justice and diversity because of their religion values" (100). Though religion may be important to people, engaging in issues of justice is crucial to intellectually understanding opinions and ones self. On the contrary, religion also has its own, “different light" (Julie J. Park and Kristin Paredes-Collins 101). They continue to express, “religion and spirituality may be particularly important for some students as they assesses their beliefs, values, and convictions, asking the "big questions" about meaning and purpose" (Julie J. Park and Kristin Paredes-Collins 101). Whether religion may serve as a limitation or a benefit, the effect on choosing a college revolves around a student's belief. As proven, certain beliefs impact decision making which particularly leads to immense amount of influence on college selection.
In spite of students beliefs, athletics and culture also impact the decision in their college admissions. In other words, the contribution athletics play on a school,“merely take the place of... the overall academic endowment” (Clopton 107). Aaron Clopton, the associate professor and the program director for Sports Management at the University of Kansas, clearly states that athletics impact both the college and the individual view on where it is they choose to go to. Clopton continues, "Athletics and university administrators must continue to revisit the extent... through the both the game-day experiences and in overall athletic marketing strategies" (113). Athletics based schools, such as UCLA and USC, are bound to have twice the admissions as a non-athletic school, solely because of their athletics. Furthermore, a colleges environment on athletics are monumental. In particular, Uma M. Jayakumar, an Associate Professor at the University of San Francisco’s School of Education and a Faculty Associate at the University of Michigan, and Eddie Comeaux s associate professor of higher education in the Graduate School of Education, wisely assert how athletics effect a colleges environment, "the internal environment might be the most visible element of the intercollegiate athletic department culture, epitomized by mascots, logos, slogans, written documents, buildings, cheers, rituals, and ceremonies"(493). As expressed, athletics are not only critical to selecting a college but also impact the overall college.
Although athletics may influence an individual, the central opinion lies behind an individual's career pathway. In the world, there are differences everywhere and in everyone. Roger B. Ludeman, the Executive Director of the International Association of Students Affairs and Services (ISAS), and Dennis E. Gregory, an associate professor of higher education at Old Dominion University, suggest college as a whole should be viewed from a personal driven view, "Higher education and student affairs professionals... must be student-centered and acknowledge students as partners and responsible stakeholders in their education" (39). Education revolves around an individuals major. The choices have "widened" for many students, however students must find somewhere they have both a passion and a calling to. (Wathington 20). Heather B Wathington, the assistant professor of education and the University of Virginia, expresses college and higher education is achieved when an individual "signals the development of interest" (23). Wathington continues, "Presumably, the relationship between interest and knowledge acquisition drives program concentration and ultimately degree completion"(23). Students are evidently influenced by there field of interest. From the evidence, a student's career pathway not only influences there decision making, but ultimately is what motivates them to complete there degree.
Indeed, college admissions are crucial in taking the next step to education. Whether students are influenced by religion, athletics, or there field of interest, the selection of a college should be something that transforms and benefits them in an altruistic way. To choose the right college, one must reflectively look upon themselves that is. In a society of opportunity, college ultimately revolves around the student, and what they choose that will benefit there future.
Work Cited
Clopton, Aaron W. "The Impact of Athletics upon the Social Sustainability of the College
Campus." Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader, Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.106-119.
Goral, Tim. "Where Have All The Students Gone?" University Business, vol. 19,
no. 7, 2016, pp. 32-36. EBSCO, http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=tfh&AN=116689770&site=ehost-live. Accessed 7 Sept. 2016.
Jayakumar, Uma M. and Eddie Comeaux. "The Cultural Cover-Up Of College Athletics: How
Organizational Culture Perpetuates An Unrealistic And Idealized Balancing Act." Journal Of
Higher Education, vol. 87 no. 4, 2016, pp. 488-515. EBSCO, http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=tfh&AN=115168890&site=ehost-live. Accessed 7 Sept. 2016.
Ludeman, Roger B. and Dennis E. Gregory. "Higher Education Student Affairs and Services Around
the World." Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader, Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.36-64.
Making Caring Common. "Turning the Tide: Inspiring Concern for Others and the Common Good
through College Admissions." A Project of the Harvard Graduate School of Education, 2014,
http://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/files/gse-mcc/files/20160120_mcc_ttt_report_interactive.pdf.
Accessed 30 August 2016.
Park, Julie J. and Kristin Paredes-Collins. "Spirituality and Religion in Higher Education."
Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader, Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.95-105.
Wathington, Heather B. "How Higher Education Can Improve Outcomes for All Students."
Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader, Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.36-64.
Peer Response: Rose "Rosy" Watkins
Using a different color, type your comments:
Were at least 10 citations used in the paper? Were they done correctly? Yes, over ten. They were all used correctly, with minor errors marked below.
Was the book cited at least 3-5 times using 3-5 different authors? Were they listed correctly? Yes, four from the book and one from the Harvad essay. They were listed and cited correctly in both the works cited and the paper itself.
Were a newspaper, magazine, and/or journal cited? Were there REAL page numbers listed for both? Were they listed correctly? Were there any sources without page numbers? Harvad essay used. Page numbers correctly listed. Cited correctly in works cited and essay. No sources lacking page numbers.
Was the introduction interesting? Was it effective? Was the thesis stated well? The introduction could have been more interesting. The bones were there and it was effective, but the claim was not very unique in and of itself. With more imagery, sensory language and a grabbing hook, I believe that the intro has the potential to be very seizing. The thesis was stated well.
Did the essay make sense? Was it logical? The essay was logical in its claims but generally unoriginal in its ideas. A new, fresh perspective would only add to the effectiveness of the essay.
Was the essay written well? Was it interesting to read or was it boring? Written generally well. Did not seem quite collegiate in its inception. Some ideas half-baked. Could use more rhetoric to grab the audience.
Was a variety of styles used for the citations? Or was the same style used over and over? Direct used often. No indirect used at all. A lot of direct with the credibility explained afterwards. Some changes in the format would make it both more interesting and more effective.
What suggestions do you have to "kick it up a notch"? Sensory language is a biggie. Using it, I believe that the essay would both be longer and have the point made. Fluff is not a bad thing if it is used to support the argument of the paper.
Did your partner's argument about the factors to consider when choosing a college make sense? Did you to understand the reasoning? Do you think they are correct? I do think their reasoning is correct, if not a bit stale.
Was the essay written with passion? No, it was not. That is what determines a good essay from a great essay. This one is good. It is so close to being great, though. For a first draft, it is commendable.
Was the MLA formatting done well? Yes. There were only minor errors, marked below.
Spelling errors? See below.
Grammatical errors? See below.
Draft 1
Through the course of education, colleges continue to have the maximum impact to students. (The maximum impact is vague. Why? How?) Whether an individual pursues a higher education, (Whether is used with two things. Find a second thing to compare or choose a different word rather than "whether) choosing the correct college is crucial in developing a “collective future” (Making Caring Common 8). The Making Caring Common Committee, the publishers at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, purposefully expresses (express) education should not only pertain to personal success,but rather, something to look foward to. The Making Caring Common Committee continues, (this reads a little clumsy. Try just "the committee" “What should matter in admissions is... students’ willingness to immerse themselves in an experience and the emotional and ethical awareness and commitments this generates”(10). With regards to college admissions, students must choose a college that can benefit and influence their life in a positive and knowledgeable way to pursuing a bright future around them. (Good thesis!)
While many seek a college education, the various? beliefs of an individual can stand in the way. The topic sentence makes it sound like this paragraph will be about anti-college education. Find something that relates the point of the paragraph. Namely, an individual's Religion and Spirituality. Don't capitalize religion and spirituality. Julie J. Park, the assistant professor of higher education at the University of Maryland, and Kristin Paredes-Collins, the associate editor aiding Kristin, express the limitations religion has, Semicolon instead? “Some students may actually be initially more resistant to engaging in issues of justice and diversity because of their religion values" (100). (Is that supposed to say "religious"?Though religion may be important to people, engaging in issues of justice is crucial to intellectually understanding opinions and ones self. On the contrary, foil is here, make it more clear that you disagree with them. religion also has its own, “different light" (Julie J. Park and Kristin Paredes-Collins 101). Just last names in the citations They continue to express, “religion and spirituality may be particularly important for some students as they asses their beliefs, values, and convictions, asking the "big questions" about meaning and purpose" (Julie J. Park and Kristin Paredes-Collins 101). In allusion, in allusion? colleges revolve what an individual believes. Furthermore, the essence of a person revolves around there their beliefs and what they choose towards college.
In spite of the many beliefs, athletics also impact a students student's decision in college admissions. In other words, the contribution athletics play on a school,“merely take the place of... the overall academic endowment” (Clopton 107). Aaron Clopton, the associate professor and the program director for Sports Management at the University of Kansas, clearly states that athletics impact both the college and the individual view on where it is they choose to go Delete the "to". to. Clopton continues, "Athletics and university administrators must continue to revisit the extent... through the <---- typo? both the game-day experiences and in overall athletic marketing strategies" (113). Athletics based schools, such as UCLA and USC, are bound to have twice the admissions as a non-athletic school solely because of their athletics Evidence to back up this claim? .
Although athletics may influence an individual, Find another word to use besides "individual" throughout. (May I suggest thesaurus.com?) the central opinion lies behind an individual's career pathway. In the world, there are differences everywhere and in everyone. <----This statement would be so much more powerful with some better word choice. Roger B. Ludeman, the Executive Director of the International Association of Students Affairs and Services (ISAS), and second name + credentials suggest college as a whole should be viewed from a personal personally driven view, "Higher education and student affairs professionals... must be student-centered and acknowledge students as partners and responsible stakeholders in their education" (39). Education revolves around an individuals individual's major. The choices have "widened" for many students, however students must find somewhere they have both a passion and a calling to. (Wathington 20). Heather B Wathington, the assistant proffessor of education and the University of Virginia, expresses college and higher education is achieved when an individual "signals the development of interest" (23). Wathington Washington continues, "Presumably, the relationship between interest and knowledge acquisition drives program concentration and ultimately degree completion"(23). Indeed, higher education and the career pathway is what decides in college admissions.
Conclusion?
Overall: Good essay. Could use more passion, care, varying format, and sensory language. All of these combined will help the paper reach its potential and be as great as I know it can be!
Work Cited
Clopton, Aaron W. "The Impact of Athletics upon the Social Sustainability of the College
Campus." Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader. Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.106-119.
Ludeman, Roger B. and Dennis E. Gregory. "Higher Education Student Affairs and Services Around the World."
Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader. Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.36-64.
Making Caring Common. "Turning the Tide: Inspiring Concern for Others and the Common Good through College Admissions." A Project of the Harvard
Graduate School of Education. 2014. http://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/files/gse-mcc/files/20160120_mcc_ttt_report_interactive.pdf . Accessed 30 August 2016.
Park, Julie J. and Kristin Paredes-Collins. "Spirituality and Religion in Higher Education."
Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader. Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.95-105.
Wathington, Heather B. "How Higher Education Can Improve Outcomes for All Students."
Contemporary Colleges and Universities: A Reader. Edited by Joseph L. DeVitis, Peter
Lang Publishing, Inc., 2013, pp.36-64.