I am sorry that this piece is black but I want to tell all my loved ones that I appreciate your love and support.
I also want you to know that I acknowledge just how painful and difficult this path is for you. You did not ask for this path but you travel it with me and for this I am eternally grateful.
I am on a path that is hard and mentally tough. Knowing that I have cancer that may well end my life early is something I never expected to have to deal with. Planning for old age is somewhat of a folly and I currently feel much older than I actually am. This is a path that I would not wish on anyone.
But it is the path I am on and I have the best clinicians doing all that is possible to halt the progress of the disease. How much time they can get me is anyone’s guess.
I get all the attention.
But what about those who are close to me, those who I love dearly. Where do they get support and they sure as hell deserve it?
There are many sources of pain but surely the roles of lover and soul partner, carer, loving children, siblings and very dear friends have a unique path to travel on this trip.
You do not get the attention , you do not get the sympathy, nor do you get the clinicians fussing over you. Your role is generally seen as those who simply stands stoically in the background, to support and pick up the pieces as required.
But I know you feel the pain in silence and feel the guilt that its not you that has the problem and how dare you feel sorry for yourself. This sorrow can manifest in silly and petty ways but that unfortunately is human nature and the way we often express this type of suffering.
It does not have to be this way. You do have pain and you do have a right to express it and you do have a right to love, care and support. We are all in this together, only I will get out first. I don’t have to deal with the aftermath.
I recognise and acknowledge the emptiness and hole in your hearts knowing that there is precious little that you can do. The loss of sharing of intimate thoughts, the emptiness of being alone again, the growing old together plans are destroyed, the birth order is rearranged, the parental support and love disappears, your children will only ever have tales of their crazy grandfather and the precious friendships cease.
I feel and acknowledge the pain when I see that you realise the inevitability of the situation and you know you will be left alone. I know you love me and I know you dread the empty hole.
Unfortunately this is the pain and suffering that comes with real love. My suffering will eventually be over but your’s continues and the empty feeling will take over.
Please don’t suffer too long, Please remember the love, the fun and the laughter and just let the pain pass.
I am sorry and wish it weren't so and this makes your love for me even more precious. Let us just enjoy the days one at a time.
Thank you is not enough but its all I have.