Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.(Tommy Cooper)
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."(Steve Wright)
"I get better looking everyday.
I just haven't gotten very far yet"(Spike - in chat room)
"If I was your wife, I would have put poison in your drink."
"Lady, if you were my wife, I would have drunk it"(Winston Churchill)
"He hasn't changed at all in the last 40 years......
he's always looked old"(Nigel - work colleague)
"I've had a wonderful evening -
but this wasn't it"(Groucho Marx)
"I find television very educating.
When someone turns the TV on I go into the other room and read a book"(Groucho Marx)
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word.
The word they didn't change was on page 87.(Steve Martin)
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"(President Abraham Lincoln!)
"Smoking won't send you to hell,
but it'll sure make you smell like you've been there"(Barry Smith)