Hagbard Celine
Freeman Hagbard Celine, H.M., S.H. is a central protagonist in the Illuminatus trilogy of books by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, named after the legendary Viking hero Hagbard who died for love. In the Schrödinger's Cat trilogy, the sequel to Illuminatus!, it is stated that 'Hagbard Celine' is a pseudonym, and his legal name is 'Howard Crane'. However, the trilogy passes through many very different universes.
Character
Hagbard is a notorious prankster and liar (telling one character not to trust anyone with the initials H.C.). This character trait is displayed throughout Illuminatus!, Celine's tends give misinformation about himself and his intentions. Among information that may or may not be true is that he is actually one of the leaders of the Illuminati, and that he faked an actress' death (strongly implied to be Marilyn Monroe) in order to train her into becoming an embodiment of the goddess Eris. Celine subsequently fell in love with the woman and announces his intention to marry her during the trilogy.
A Discordian anarchist, he fights the Illuminati from a golden submarine, the Leif Ericson. The Leif Ericson was supposedly designed and built by himself, stolen from the United States Navy, or a gift from the Mafia. Despite its size, the equivalent of five city blocks long with a three story high conning tower, it has so far remained undetected. He has a Norwegian mother and a Sicilian father, and physically resembles Anthony Quinn. In a section printed in the introductions of volumes I and II of the trilogy, though not reprinted in the single volume compilation, the narrator mentions that he has a raft of Irish relatives in Ohio named McGee and Marlowe. Wilson also implies in The Historical Illuminatus Chronicles that Hagbard is related to one of the central characters Sigismundo Celine. He speaks Norwegian, Italian, English, German, Latin, Greek and Swahili. He graduated Harvard with the somewhat strange double major of contract law and naval engineering.
A former naturalized United States citizen, Hagbard supposedly relinquished his citizenship after representing a Mohawk reservation in court against the Bureau of Indian Affairs. Though there are not documents to prove this story, Hagbard himself generally told people that he was an engineer building a dam during his time with the Mohawk because he was ashamed at having been a lawyer.
He later became a citizen of Equatorial Guinea of which Fernando Poo is a part. Exactly when this happened is uncertain, but he had papers referring to this by the time of the Walpurgisnacht rock concert. In the appendix to the trilogy, it mentions that Hagbard builds a starship and leaves to explore Alpha Centauri in the year 1999.
Hagbard designed a supercomputer called FUCKUP (First Universal Cybernetic Kynetic Ultramicro-Programmer). Among other things, he used FUCKUP to calculate the chances of World War III starting, which it does by throwing virtual I Ching sticks.
His manifesto is called Never Whistle While You're Pissing, containing his Definitions and Distinctions, an anarchist interpretation of capitalist concepts.
[this text imported from the original Wiki on Buddhafart] The Hagbard page on the Wikia site for Illuminatus!
From Toff Philippo's list:
Freeman Hagbard Celine, H.M., S.H. Holy Man, Shit Head [Principia Discordia 00005] Celine, a French feminine name; variant of Celia or Selena. One of seven mythological daughters of Atlas transformed by Zeus into stars of the Pleiades constellation. Has olive skin, thick black eyebrows, black hair, beard, strong nose and jaw, muscles, hairy brown fingers, hands, and forearms, resembles Anthony Quinn, Variously wears a black and green striped nautical sweater, turtleneck and casual slacks; lederhosen, silk shirt, knee socks, brass-buttoned navy-blue yachtsman s blazer, smokes foul long black Sicilian cigars, born in Norway to an Italian pimp and a blonde haired, blue eyed Norwegian prostitute, also has Viking ancestors, Harvard Law School graduate; citizen of Fernando Poo, captain of the Lief Eri(c)kson, a five city block long, nuclear submarine, with a three story high conning tower he either infiltrated U.S. Navy for the Illuminati and stole it or it was given to him by the Mafia for the purpose heroin smuggling), or he made it himself in a Norwegian fjord , author of Never Whistle While You re Pissing. Possibly uses Eric the Red Blowhard as a pseudonym.
