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Coach Derek Wallbank (09/7/10)
WASHINGTON - Team Holy Hand Grenade promised a change from last season. This year they would contend, unlike last year's persistant near-cellar state. And after Week 1, Coach Wallbank looks to be making good on his promises.
"It was a good win, a solid effort from most of our guys," Wallbank said. "The thing that gives me hope is that we could have put many more points on the board. The thing that annoys me is that we didn't."
The Grenades were led, as always, by All-American candidate Russell Wilson of N.C. State, who seems to have found a habit of scoring touchdowns by the near handful. And Oklahoma State WR Justin Blackmon looked as good as advertised in filling the hole left by Dez Bryant. Also at WR, DeVier Posey looked like he's taken a step forward to become the number one TD threat in an Ohio State offense that should score a lot of them.
The team's two new running backs, Jordan Todman of UConn and Darius Willis of Indiana, both had solid outings in Week 1. Kicker Kai Forbath played as expected, as did OU frosh WR Kenny Stills.
The less said about the one name not yet listed, KU QB Kale Pick, the better. Pick was a walking disaster against North Dakota State and was benched in the fourth quarter. "If he can't beat ND State, he can't beat AJ," Wallbank said in explaining why Pick would be riding pine this week.
In his place will be Denard "Shoelaces" Robinson, who ran all over Connecticut in Week 1. His brilliant performance earns a close nod as a starter over Arizona's Nick Foles in what would otherwise be a starting situation for the former Spartan reserve.
The other change: Willis, on a bye, will be spelled by Nic Grigsby, who faces a D line made not of big trough-eating hosses but of fit, thin cadets from the Citadel. In other words, hello points fiesta.
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Coach Derek Wallbank (11/14/09)
Team Holy Hand Grenade released the following statement today, upon learning that he had totally screwed up at least two roster decisions this week, likely taking himself out of contention for the #1 draft pick:
"That's a dang coaching mistake! The kids are playing their tail off and the coaches are screwing it up."
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Coach Derek Wallbank (8/31/09)
BALTIMORE - It's Week 1 in the land of college football, and while some teams lace up their early going with cream puffs, Team Holy Hand Grenade has taken a page from Michigan State basketball coach Tom Izzo's scheduling book.
"Any team, anywhere, any time," Wallbank said of his scheduling philosophy for Week 1.
"It's a disadvantage on the scoreboard, to be sure, to be playing real teams like Georgia, Missouri, Illinois and South Carolina while others are scheduling cream puffs," said Wallbank. "I'm pretty confident that we'd put up 200 points this week were we playing the abysmal schedules of some squads."
Texas Tech, for example, hosts North Dakota. Florida plays the colossus that is Charleston Southern - yes, you read that right, a directional city school.
"Sure, those players might put up a ton of points," Wallbank said, "but I'd caution their owners to have a little humility this week. Bragging about a high point total against those piddly schools would be a bit like bragging that you had sex with a hooker after accidentally misplacing $200 on the nightstand."
Wallbank's team was picked to finish 8th this year - behind each and every returning owner - despite returning pre-season All American Dez Bryant and Minnesota dual-threat QB Adam Weber. Wallbank will start another dual-threat QB this season in NC State's Russell Wilson, from whom big things are expected.
A brand new tandem starts at running back, with Missouri's Derrick Washington and Louisville's Victor Anderson - both speedy backs who can break open a game with barely a moment's notice. Backing them up is the ever-dependable Nic Grigsby of Arizona, who barely missed out on a starting role this week but will see playing time in Week 2.
Joining Bryant in possibly the league's best receiving corps - yes, you heard that right - is Florida-to-Illinois transfer Jarred Fayson and number one Ohio State WR DeVier Posey. Kicking this week will be Ohio State's Aaron Pettrey, who may face a stern enough test in Navy to get some time kicking more than just extra points.
"I've got a list of seven owners, six of them returners, who were picked to finish above me, including Newman," Wallbank said. "That's how you know the rankings were nothing more than a figment of Anthony's vivid yet flawed imagination."
"Bring it on."
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Coach Scott Bell (8/8/09)
DETROIT -- After experiencing runaway success in 2008, most people figured the big question entering 2009 would be whether or not "Sharad's B Team" would be able to top its record margin of victory from a year ago.
Instead, there's a different question at the forefront as we inch closer and closer to kickoff 2009: What is Anthony Collora smoking?
"Sharad's B Team," the league's defending regular season champion led by highly esteemed coach Scott Bell, was picked to finish outside of the top 2 in the recently released CFF Pre-season rankings.
"I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little surprised," Bell said after being convinced the rankings actually weren't a joke. "Considering this team could make the playoffs with strictly backups, it's a bit of a slap in the face when your starters aren't considered the class of the league."
Bell wasn't the only person to feel disrespected by Wednesday's news. Colt McCoy, the only returning QB to make last season's All-American team, was left of this year's pre-season All-American squad. He shared the shock and disgust shown by his coach.
"That makes no sense at all," McCoy admitted. "Honestly, Bill made more sense when he was randomly shouting things during the draft that nobody understood or seemed to be paying attention to. Why would I be left off the All-American team?"
"And Who the hell is this Anthony dude, anyways? Is he the guy that is bragging about having a quarterback who threw 15 touchdowns last season? I threw 15 touchdowns last season, too. What did I call that again? Oh yeah: September."
Collora's "Valdosta State Blazers" squad was picked to finish first, while Sharad Mattu's unnamed (and untalented) squad came in at second in the rankings. Mattu's lofty expectations could be all for naught, though. A source close to the situation says Mattu is facing criminal sexual assault charges after raping new owner Chris King in a draft-day trade.
"That trade was almost as big of a joke as the rankings," Bell lamented. "But I hope Sharad is cleared of all charges. I want every team to be at 100% so nobody has excuses for when I cruise to a second straight regular-season title."
"Sharad's B Team" didn't just win the regular season title last year, it took the crown with relative ease. Bell's squad took top honors with 1,425.8 regular-season points -- an amount that dwarfed the next closest competitor (1,191.5). So why was the squad left out of the pre-season top 2?
"We've narrowed it down to a few options," Bell said. "It's either jealousy or stupidity."
No matter the reason, the bulletin board material has been posted, and it looks like the rest of the CFF will have to feel the wrath of "Sharad's B Team."
The league's top two quarterbacks from a season ago return, with plenty of star power developing behind them for 2010. McCoy will graduate and Bradford is expected to leave early, but Jevan Snead, John Brantley and Landry Jones all sit behind the acclaimed duo, waiting for their chance to shine. Snead has already shown flashes of greatness, while Brantley and Jones are the heir apparents to take over two of the nation's most fantasy-friendly offenses in 2010.
Bell's squad isn't a one-trick pony, no matter how badly Anthony Collora wants to think they are (he stated in Wednesday's release that outside of McCoy and Bradford, the supporting cast of "Sharad's B Team" "has dropped off in talent a bit.") Bell's running back and receiver stables are both full of potential weapons, and young ones at that.
Collora may have missed the memo, but Bell's backfield tandem on John Clay and Chris Brown should create plenty of points. Not familiar with Clay? Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to get acquainted with him. The sophomore back will reak havoc on opposing Big Ten defenses for years to come. Last year as a backup, the then-freshman still acounted for almost 900 yards and 9 touchdowns on the ground, good for nearly 6 yards per carry. With P.J. Hill out of the way, the sky's the limit for the back who plays in a run-first offense.
And Chris Brown? All he did was run for 1,200+ yards and 20 - yes, 20 - touchdowns in 2008. "Sharad's B Team"'s running game should be better than it was in 2008. And that's a scary thought. Want another scary thought? Bell has 3 running backs with 3 or more years of eligibility on his bench chomping at the bits to play. Jewel Hampton, a sophomore back for Iowa, could contribute this year if his knee is healthy enough. He has all the attribute to be this year's Shonn Greene, and has an even better line in front of him than Greene did last season. Shane Vereen should be a year away from getting big minutes for Cal, but he still rushed for more than 700 yards as a freshman backup last season. And Dion Lewis has won the competition for Pitt's starting running back spot. Not bad for a 5th option.
Dez Bryant (19) and Dezmon Briscoe (15) lead this year's returning pack of receivers in No. of touchdowns caught last year. Who comes in at No. 3? Probably someone from Anthony or Sharad's team - right? Wrong. It's Jermaine Gresham, Oklahoma's tight end who is expected to get even more looks this season after the Sooners lost their top two receivers from a year ago. Bell added Gresham in this year's draft, along with young weapons Michael Floyd (sophomore - 700+ yards and 7 tds as a true freshman), Jeff Fuller (sophomore - 630 yards and 9 tds as a true freshman) and Andre DeBose (true freshman - Percy Harvin Jr.). Add those to his two returning wide receivers - Arrelius Benn, one of the nation's most dangerous playmakers, and A.J. Green, Georgia's big-play receiver who had 950 yards and 8 touchdowns as a true freshman - and "Sharad's B Team" doesn't seem to be "dropping off in talent" after all, does it?
I guess we'll find out soon enough.
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Coach Derek Wallbank (10/30/08)
WASHINGTON D.C. - He was picked to finish dead last at the start of
the season. Now he's the betting-line favorite to take the number one
pick in next year's draft.
Team Holy Hand Grenade finished the regular season ranked fourth out
of eight in the league, an accomplishment many thought impossible
during what Coach Derek Wallbank had labeled as a rebuilding year.
There had been some speculation that Wallbank might actually make the
championship bracket, as his team took up residence between spots 3
and 4 most of the season. Wallbank said that was never an option.
"Quite frankly, I had four, count 'em, 1, 2, 3, 4, guys come back this
year. There wasn't a shot in hell that I'd actually beat out anyone
from the top three. The only surprise I had was that it took Anthony
so damn long to pass me."
Holy Hand Grenade has been led by three All America candidates,
K-State quarterback Josh Freeman, Oklahoma State WR Dez Bryant and
Texas Tech WR Michael Crabtree and spelled by strong performances from
K Sam Swank and QB Adam Weber.
"I'm giving them all a rest," Wallbank said of the practice schedule
this week. "Some of them need to get their heads right, others just
need to come back from injury. Either way, the bye week will allow us
to get into position and really fight for that number one draft pick."
Wallbank, who earned a BYE this week, will face the winner of
Sharad/Hamal and Kevin/Bill to decide the winner of the consolation
bracket and rights to the number one pick in next year's draft.
"No offense to those guys, but I'm rooting like hell for Hamal and
Newman," Wallbank said. "Hamal hardly plays at all and Newman, well,
you can't tell the difference."
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Coach Derek Wallbank (10/23/08)
WASHINGTON D.C.- Team Holy Hand Grenade Coach Derek Wallbank released the following statement today:
"We sucked last week. Not like Newman, thank God, but it was still bad. Anyone not named Josh Freeman, Dez Bryant, Mike Crabtree needs to step it up, big time.
"Fourth place, and an inside track to the #1 pick is still within our reach. Get the W!"
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Coach Scott Bell (10/15/08)
My bad. Upon further review, my team really is that awesome. Sorry for the mixup!
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Coach Scott Bell (10/15/08)
Hey guys, just thought I'd take the time out to point out what is likely a big scoring error.
I checked the standings page on the website and it says I'm winning by more than 150 points. That clearly has to be erroneous, especially considering the fact that my team was picked to miss the playoffs and was apparently 1 injury away from having its season over before it even began. While the error does help with my self esteem, it's obvious that a team that supposedly mediocre before the season couldn't possibly be leading by that much. Please fix this - thanks.
p.s. My offer from before the season began to sit out the last month (November) as I cruise into the finals still stands. And if Bill can pick up 30 points on Sharad, it looks like my newborn's life my not be in jeopardy after all.
Taken from an e-mail I sent after the preseason predictions:
"But seriously ... 4th? I might take the last month of the season off and still cruise into the finals. If a team with Groethe and Stafford at starting QB ever inches past 6th in the standings, I'll give up my rights to my firstborn."
And hey, even if Sharad ends up in 5th, it's just a firstborn anyways. The league title is much more important.
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Coach Derek Wallbank (10/15/08)
BALTIMORE - "These are the times that try men's souls."
That's what Holy Hand Grenade Coach Derek Wallbank told his team this week after a low-scoring but second place finish this week, with the prospect of what could be an abysmal showing upcoming.
Due to byes and poor performance demotions, Wallbank is forced to start three backups - Ohio State's Todd Boeckman, UNC's Greg Little and Texas Tech's Ed Britton. All are capable of putting up numbers, if they see time on the field, but that's just the question - will they?
So it will fall on Wallbank's three All-America candidates, Josh Freeman, Michael Crabtree and Dez Bryant, to carry the load in an otherwise weak week.
"I think they're up for it," Wallbank said confidently. "But without question we'll need help from our backups. Let's hope that the rumors about playing time for Boeckman and Little are true."
Wallbank currently holds the final spot in the Championship Division with two weeks left to play, a position he said he's pleasantly surprised he's got.
"Quite frankly, I thought all along that we'd be fighting for that number one pick in the draft along with the rest of the consolation folks," Wallbank said. "Thank goodness Anthony's team sucks or we'd be in real trouble."
For the second week in a row, Wallbank declined to take a shot at Kevin Newman, whose squad is currently languishing in seventh.
"He's had a tough year, what with the injuries and all," Wallbank said. "But so have we, and look where we are."
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Coach Derek Wallbank (10/8/08)
BALTIMORE - Who's talking now?
It isn't Anthony Collora, who fell smack out of the Championship Bracket after yet another disappointing week. This was Anthony's third week out of four where he failed to score above the 100-point threshold, and the Commish, who predicted Team Holy Hand Grenade to finish dead last in the league is staring up at him from the top of the consolation bracket.
It isn't Wallbank either, who declined to pour salt in Anthony's festering wound of a team.
"Look, our guys just went out there and played the way they know how," Wallbank said. "This is why we wanted a bunch of young guys. They don't know how to fail and they get better every week.
"It's not my style to talk smack, much as I'd like to," Wallbank continued. "I'll just let the scoreboard speak for itself."
Dez Bryant turned in another player-of-the-week performance, while Josh Freeman, Nic Grigsby, Michael Crabtree, Donnie Carona and Ben Tate all had solid efforts.
This week is likely to be harder than last for Team Holy Hand Grenade, what with four of its top five players in away games. Still, Wallbank said he's expecting another 100-point-plus effort from the team.
Wallbank also reined in his sometimes blistering criticism for Kevin Newman's Nogdogs, who got passed by woeful Hamal and now sit a point back of him in last place.
"I'm not touching that," said Wallbank, who plans to travel to Chicago to see freshman prospect Keshawn Martin in person and will stay at Newman's house during the visit. "He can consider my lack of a witty rejoinder 'couch rent' for the weekend."
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Coach Derek Wallbank (10/1/08)
BALTIMORE - The trade deadline has come and gone, and megadeals involving Michael Crabtree, Percy Harvin, Taylor Potts and other big-name fantasy players are now nothing by dust in an ever-whistling wind of could've, would've and should've.
The only action by Team Holy Hand Grenade saw Arizona sophomore running back Nic Grigsby replace Arizona State senior WR Michael Jones, who now joins Sharad's B Team. The move, a continuation of Coach Derek Wallbank's "sophomore strategy", includes contingency picks should Grigsby forego the draft and remain in the desert.
"Nic Grigsby is a 15 to 35-point threat every time he walks on the field, something that Ben Tate and Greg Little just can't provide," Wallbank said. "Grigsby will anchor our running game, and we expect great things from him in the years to come."
The move brings a new challenge, as Wallbank now fields a feast-or-famine receiving corps, headlined by Michael Crabtree and Dez Bryant, but spelled by hit-or-miss Auburn senior Rodgeriqus Smith, underperforming Texas Tech junior Ed Britton and Michigan State propect Keshawn Martin.
"One of our three others will have to step up now," Wallbank said, adding that he expects Smith to step back into form once Auburn fully gets rid of its Todd Boeckman-like QB Chris Todd in favor of Terrelle Pryor-like Kodi Burns. The two are currently sharing playing time. Martin is also expected to see more action, having moved up to MSU's #3 receiver position.
Rumors circulated of last-minute negotiations with Sharad's Varsity Team over Percy Harvin, though nothing materialized from that. Wallbank said he had no comment on the matter, except to say that he is "confident our team as assembled can and will continue to be a force this year."
This week shapes up as one of the best weeks on paper for Wallbank's team. Six players (Freeman, Weber, Grigsby, Crabtree, Bryant, Carona) face teams that may not actually have a defense. The key game for this week, Texas Tech at Kansas State, features two squads that literally don't care about defense at all and usually don't bother trying.
"I'm hoping for an offensive fiesta," Wallbank said. "Pass the salsa."
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Coach Kevin Newman (9/30/08)
CHICAGO, IL - Is it time to panic yet?
With only hours before the trade deadline, Newman's Nogdogs have only gotten half of the job done. Earlier today, they completed a blockbuster trade bringing South Florida's Mike Ford to town. Ford should feel right at home with the Nogdogs; they used a bruiser running back with similar style last season, MSU's Jerru Culcrick.
Coach Newman also thought he had some extra incentive to get the deal done. His college roommate at MSU was none other than Mike Ford!
"I'm incredibly excited to be reunited with Mike," said Coach Newman. "Honestly, it's been a while since we talked and I didn't even know he played football, he was always so into hockey!"
Shortly after the interview, it was determined that South Florida's Ford was not the same Ford that Coach Newman remembered. That Ford is evidently still into hockey, and is currently with the Philadelphia Flyers.
But the more pressing issue than Newman's sure-to-be awkward introduction to Ford is the lack of a #2 QB. Preseason, the Nogdog's looked competitive with #9 Clemson's Harper and Washington's Locker starting, with Cal's Longshore and MSU's Hoyer in the backup roles. But Clemson has faltered and fallen out of the polls on Harper's sub-par play, Cal has benched Longshore for a more agile option, and last week Locker broke his thumb and will be sidelined for weeks to come. Combine this with MSU's power running game and the Nogdog's are looking very weak at QB. In fact, this week they only have one QB who is guaranteed any playing time at all, MSU's Hoyer.
"We're working on a few options," Coach Newman stressed. "But it seems that most of the league is content to watch us suffer."
When pressed for an example, Newman refused to comment on pending trade negotiations. However, an assistant, who asked to not be identified when speaking about confidential communications, stated that Team Holy Hand Grenade was quick to offer a QB for trade. It was only later discovered that the QB offered by Coach Wallbank was himself a backup and was not projected to see the field anytime soon. Negotiations quickly broke off, and Coach Newman was not happy about Coach Wallbank's subtle mocking, the assistant stressed.
So faced with no other options and a looming trade deadline, Newman's Nogdogs released their Week 6 starters. If they cannot work out a QB deal tonight, there might be little the Nogdogs can do to hold off a surging Hamal team and stay out of last place.
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Coach Scott Bell (9/30/08)
As noted in the release, yes, I did in fact drop Donald Brown from my team. It's usually the official policy of Sharad's B Team not to discuss personnel matters in public, but since I feel somewhat attacked, this will be my official statement on the matter:
"Donald Brown is a talented athlete, there's no question about that. However, we hold ourselves to a higher standard here, and there's more to contributing to a team than merely what is done on the field. With that in mind, we decided to keep players with fewer character issues (i.e. Noel Devine) instead of Mr. Young. It's with this dedication to excellence both on and off the field that we feel strongly that we're not only the best of Sharad's two teams, but also one of the best teams overall."
On another note, we'd like to announce a trade:
I give: Mike Ford, RB, South Florida.
Kevin gives: '09 third round pick
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Coach Derek Wallbank (9/29/08)
I'm now looking exclusively for draft picks. If you need stretch help, let me know. I know someone wants Michael Crabtree...
P.S. Sorry about the mix-up on the team names. I should have known Scott would never stand to be mentioned in the same breath with anything Wolverine, especially after Michigan's 2-2 start to the year. If only there were some central information repository where all this league information could be kept...
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Coach Scott Bell (9/29/08)
I verify the trade, but would like to note an error in the press release. My team was incorrectly labeled "Scott's Wolverine Crew". As has been noted before, my team is and forever will be known as "Sharad's B Team."
Thank you for your time.
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Coach Derek Wallbank (9/29/08)
BALTIMORE - Team Holy Hand Grenade announced a deal reached early Tuesday with Scott's Wolverine Crew. The details of the trade are as follows.
Scott gets: WR Michael Jones, Arizona State (senior)
Conditional Derek's 2009 2nd round pick
Derek gets: RB Nic Grigsby, Arizona (sophomore)
Conditional Scott's 2009 4th round pick
Conditional picks voided if Grigsby goes pro
Team Holy Hand Grenade Coach Derek Wallbank said he will speak to the media as soon as the Week 5 stats are in the book.
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Coach Derek Wallbank (9/29/08)
All,
I'm looking for draft picks and young talent. If you see someone on my roster you'd like, email me a proposal.
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Coach Scott Bell (9/29/08)
With the trade deadline quickly approaching, I'm opening up a good chunk of my roster for deals.
The following are 5 starting running backs, four of which who have eligibility beyond this season. All of them are on my block. I'm looking for either a QB or draft picks in return. For anyone looking to stock up on future talent or needing a boost from running backs this year, send something my way.
Nic Grigsby (RB, Arizona) - sophomore
Josh Adams (RB, Wake Forest) - sophomore
Mike Ford (RB, South Florida) - sophomore
Arian Foster (RB, Tennessee) -senior
Mike Goodson (RB, Texas A&M) - junior
I'm anticipating only having 3-4 draft picks next year, so any trade that involves a from the 5th round on is probably counter productive at this point.
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Coach Sharad Mattu (9/22/08)
My entire team is available in trades.
Even LeSean McCoy, DeMarco Murray and Percy Harvin. If you're interested get in touch.
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Coach Derek Wallbank (9/22/08)
BALTIMORE - How do you define "average" in fantasy football?
Probably getting the fourth-most points in a week, serving to only further ensconce your hold on fourth place. But in a down week where the points went in order, most to last, top to bottom, Holy Hand Grenade coach Derek Wallbank said he'd take it.
"We had an OK week," Wallbank said. "I would have liked to have seen more from my wide receivers and running backs, but you get what you get."
This upcoming week figures to be the toughest of the year for Wallbank, what with Arizona State and Texas Tech on BYE. That means that Wallbanks number one, three and four wide receivers are all on BYE together.
"We'll need a big week from Dez Bryant, obviously, and then a solid effort from Rodgeriqus Smith," Wallbank said. "And it would be nice if Keshawn Martin could touch the ball once or twice."
Still, after four weeks, Wallbank is about as far removed from last place - the preseason prediction for his squad - as anyone could have hoped. With Bill and Newman fighting for irrelevancy, and with Hamal going MIA, Wallbank figures to continue to prove the doubters wrong.
"Sooner or later, Anthony will have to come to terms with the large bird lodged in his mouth," Wallbank said. "It's usually called eating some crow."
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Coach Kevin Newman (9/17/08)
I just wanted to take a moment to congratulate Scott for taking over 1st Place in the league! His hard work and cunning have obviously paid off, and I'm sure that we're all hoping that his plan to start "early week" players to gain momentum will work. Anthony, I'm pretty disappointed in you for not figuring out a way to hold onto your position. No one remembers 2nd!
(Scott, make sure you take a screen shot for later...)
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Coach Derek Wallbank (9/16/08)
BALTIMORE - "Appalling".
One word, but so apt to describe the absolutely shocking performance Team Holy Hand Grenade turned in in Week 3.
Coach Derek Wallbank had a few more: "It was pitiful, and anyone on our team not named Michael Crabtree should be ashamed of themselves."
Oklahoma State WR Dez Bryant had the single-biggest reversal of fortune ever in the history of the league, going from 52 points last week to none this week. And Ohio State QB Todd Boeckman tried to go one better by putting up negative points.
"I'll tell you what, I'm nominating both Boeckman and Bryant for worst player of the week honors," Wallbank said, incredulous."I hope Anthony Collora finds something really biting to say about both of those jokers.
"Maybe that will be the kick in the butt they need to get back on track."
Wallbank won't have to worry about starting either of the two this week, as Bryant is on a bye week and Boeckman found himself a nice warm spot on the bench for the rest of the season.
But despite the horrid week, Team Holy Hand Grenade finds itself in fourth place, behind the three teams (Anthony, Scott, Andrew) he picked to finish in the top three this year and with a 40-point cushion above and below. And as long as Texas Tech keeps using its aerial attack, Wallbank's men will continue to be in contention - despite what Collora said to start the year.
"It could be worse," Wallbank said. "I could be sitting in seventh with Newman, just eight points above a guy who hasn't changed his roster since Week 1."
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Coach Derek Wallbank (9/8/08)
BALTIMORE - If Anthony Collora looked in the mirror right now, he'd likely wonder what that fluffy yellow and white substance caking on his cheeks and forehead is.
It's egg, and Team Holy Hand Grenade is the reason it's all over his face.
Holy Hand Grenade were team of the week in Week 2, despite being picked by Collora to finish dead last in the league. The team's 176.9-point effort was led by Oklahoma State's stud wideout Dez Bryant and paced by solid performances from Kansas State QB Josh Freeman, Auburn RB Ben Tate, Texas Tech WR Michael Crabtree, Arizona State WR Michael Jones and Wake Forest K Sam Swank.
Only Coach Derek Wallbank's bone-headed failure to start Minnesota QB Adam Weber over Ohio State's Todd Boeckman prevented the team from topping 200 points. Despite that, HolyHand Grenade now sit alone in third place, just a handful behind Scott Bell in second, four spots higher than Kevin Newman and a full 124.2 points and five places ahead of the last place spot Collora pegged Holy Hand Grenade for just two weeks ago.
With the grace and dignity usually reserved for an inebriated bull moose, Collora had this to say of the result:
"Only time will tell if I am correct that Derek's team will not compete this year. Am I wrong? Maybe. Have I ever been wrong? No."
When reached at his Oklahoma City home, Bryant declined comment on Collora's remarks, only extending one to his laptop screen and mouthing "scoreboard".
Wallbank's team will face a much more stern test this week, as Freeman and Swank face their first BYE weeks. Instead, Texas Tech's Donnie Carona will see his first start, while Wallbank will be forced once again to call on Boeckman to do something more than soil himself on the road against consensus number one team USC.
"I expect a drop-off this week, but our guys know they need to keep competing if they want to keep shocking the world," Wallbank said. "Certainly no one on this team is surprised at what they've been able to acheive so far."
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Coach Derek Wallbank (9/2/08)
BALTIMORE - Picked to finish last in the league, and with their head coach calling it a rebuilding year, no one would have been surprised if Team Holy Hand Grenade came out and laid an egg in Week 1.
But here they sit an astounding fourth in the table, leading Bill, Andrew, Kevn and Hamal by wide margins, trailing Sharad by nine and Scott by about 20.
You might expect Coach Derek Wallbank to be over the moon at his team's performance, yet Wallbank - who is on record predicting the shocker - said he wasn't satisfied.
"I should have played Josh Freeman, that's on me," said Wallbank of the Kansas State QB, who would have racked up 40 points were he not left to rot on the bench.
"I was happy with the starting QBs, and Swank was solid, but the rest of them, they know they should do better."
Freeman said he plans take out all the aggression he built up on the bench this week against an underheralded Montana State Wildcat team.
"I'm not going to leave my starting spot in anyone's hands," Freeman said. "I'm going to cement my name among the stars."
Most of the heads this week were turned to Wallbank's highly-touted trio of wide receivers, whose efforts could be described as solid but not spectacular. Preseason All-American and 2007 MVP Michael Crabtree, for example, turned in a meager (by his standards) 17.8 points. Dez Bryant and Michael Jones had 31.2 points between them, though neither found the end zone.
"I'm the leader of this team, but I didn't play like it," said Crabtree of his pedestrian game. Expect more out of him when Nevada comes to town in Week 2.
As for the running backs, Wallbank said he will expect North Carolina's Greg Little to get a few more yards against a weak Rutgers side, and he hoped Auburn's Ben Tate could score a touchdown to go with his solid effort carrying the ball.
But while Wallbank will demand improvement from his squad, the question for the rest of the league is this: If a middling effort could put this team in fourth, what will the Holy Hand Grenade be capable of at full strength?
Certainly the focus will be on Todd Boeckman, who will get the nod at #2 QB over Weber of Minnesota this week due to matchups (vs. Ohio and @ Bowling Green, respectively).
"Weber doesn't suck, but Minnesota does - and Bowling Green is no slouch," Wallbank explained. "I'm not going to let (Weber) go out there and pull a Jake Locker on me."
"Who do you think I am, Newman?"
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Coach Derek Wallbank (8/25/08)
BALTIMORE - After being picked last in the league during a preseason poll, Holy Hand Grenade coach Derek Wallbank said he plans to "shock the world" this season.
"Yes, this is clearly a rebuilding year, but there's no way we'll sit at the foot of the table," Wallbank said incredulously. "If anyone, Kevin Newman will be there."
Wallbank guided Team Holy Hand Grenade to the championship playoff in 2007 and said his team is gunning for a repeat in 2009. This year, he added, is all about improvement and not getting injured.
But there is hope in the Chesapeake City.
Holy Hand Grenade will be led this year by its wide receiving corps - 2007 MVP Michael Crabtree, Oklahoma State phenom Dez Bryant and Arizona State stud Michael Jones. Highly-rated quarterbacks Adam Weber of Minnesota, Josh Freeman of Kansas State will fight with Todd Boeckman of Ohio State for playing time. And though Wallbank returns outstanding kicker Sam Swank, he picked up arguably the best steal of the draft in the rocket-legged freshman from Texas Tech, Donnie Carona. And though the running back corps has been cited as the weak link in the chain, Auburn's Ben Tate, North Carolina's Greg Jones and even Michigan's Brandon Minor may have something to say about that as the season goes on.
And who knows what heights this team could achieve if their young stars contribute sooner than expected. Ed Britton, Keshawn Martin, Jamie Harper, Kodi Burns, Rodgeriqus Smith, Cameron Newton and Keshawn Martin are all itching to show what they're made of. Coach Wallbank has an eye for talent - remember that Crabtree pick last year? - and one of these kids may surprise everyone.
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Coach Scott Bell (8/10/08)
For those of you who haven't checked the website recently, the pre-season rankings (or as I like to refer to them as, really blatant bulletin board material for me) have been posted. Check 'em out.
Thanks again to Kevin for doing the webpage and updating it and for whoever ran the draft today (whoever has blue text in ichat group chat rooms).
But seriously ... 4th? I might take the last month of the season off and still cruise into the finals. If a team with Groethe and Stafford at starting QB ever inches past 6th in the standings, I'll give up my rights to my firstborn.
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Website managed by Kevin Newman.