How to be old

In the group of essays “How to live” I share what I have learned. I even tell how to die. That might give the impression that I have reached inner peace. Not so.

Today, 21/12/2025,  I am sad. I don’t know how to be old.  The first step in solving a problem is to acknowledge it. My problem is that I lost my partner, my local friends and half of my family. Moreover, almost everything I did, I can’t do anymore. I’ll start with the easy losses.

In 1997 after we moved to Vermont I stopped biking. My Dutch three-gear bike was not equipped for the VT hills. I didn’t miss it much. There was much else to do. Now in the Netherlands, I am reminded of the joy and freedom of biking.

In 2015 when my power and balance dwindled, I stopped skating.  I could not reach the exhilaration of full-out skating. Why seek frustration?

In 2017 I became afraid of falling and I stopped skiing. Cautious skiing is no fun.

In 2018 I stumbled over a tennis ball and broke a wrist. Lack of balance made me stop.

Still, in the winter months I could walk on snowshoes in our woods. In the summer I could work in the garden till I got tired. Not bad at all.

In March 2024 we moved to a senior facility. We loved our house in Underhill, the garden, the privacy, the woods, the view. I loved my personal places; my shed with its tools; my workbench in the basement. The bookshelves with my books. My desk, my computer and file cabinets were moved to the ‘cottage’ at Otter Creek Residences. Sitting at my old desk felt comfortable. Lonni made new friends while her two dogs provided daily solace.

Soon Lonni started to lose her personality. In her bewilderment she asked me every day “Why do you do this to me? Why do you hate me so much? Every day we sat for hours on the couch in our loggia, hand-in-hand, the dogs at our feet.  Every day, we were intensely together. Every morning, she started with the same questions. Why? Why? In November she stopped eating and drinking. November 19 she died. That was good. Her suffering was unbearable for both of us. My stepchildren withdrew in their own grief.  Lee Adler, Lonni’s friend since elementary school who we met weekly on Zoom, died within a month. Within weeks of Lonni’s death both dogs died.  My stepchildren and Sylvie were a big part of our life. Another big loss.

I was alone for the first time in my life. I was surrounded by new friends, but it took me a while to appreciate that. Recently, I moved to my children in Europe. I am very grateful for their willingness to take me in, but it does imply more losses. I found new friendships in Middlebury and my ‘cottage’ was a refuge.

When I left OC  Residences, I left everything I owned behind. I only took my clothes and some files. Now my few belongings are spread over two houses.  That adds to my feeling of loss and my confusion.

My positive view of the world was not warranted. I always thought that most people mean well. That was true for most people I dealt with. The stupidity and animosity I read now in the daily news, is new to me. I thought that democracy leads to the most good for the most people. Now I see that democracy cannot work. Most people can’t afford the luxury of taking the future into account. USA government is hacked by big money and a narcissistic psychopath sits at the very top. Many people seem to be in awe of ruthless power. That is upsetting, disappointing, sickening.

My capabilities diminished.  Hard of hearing, distorted eyesight, precarious balance, lack of power. Everything I have to do has become difficult to do; starting with pulling on my socks and ending with putting on my pajama. 

I lost my positive self-image. Three times I committed to a partner with inner conflicts. In my arrogance, I thought I could help them.  I have hurt my children. 

Now I struggle with PTSD. I function, but the emotional distress remains.

That is not the whole story. I had a privileged life. Lonni and I had an exciting life together. Now my children are taking care of me. What to do in the time that remains for me ? I read many books on getting old.  I know the answer. Do what I can. Maintain friendships. Enjoy the freedom and intensity of being old. Often that does not work.