How to be old

In the group of essays “How to live” I share what I have learned. I even tell how to die. That might give the impression that I have reached inner peace. Not so.

Today, 21/12/2025,  I am sad. I don’t know how to be old.  The first step in solving a problem is to acknowledge it. My problem is that I lost my partner, my local friends and half of my family. Moreover, almost everything I did, I can’t do anymore. I’ll start with the easy losses.

In 1997 after we moved to Vermont I stopped biking. My Dutch three-gear bike was not equipped for the VT hills. I didn’t miss it much. There was much else to do. Now in the Netherlands, I am reminded of the joy and freedom of biking.

In 2015 I stopped skating. When my power and balance dwindled, I could not reach the exhilaration of full-out skating. Why seek frustration?

In 2017 I became afraid of falling and I stopped skiing. Cautious skiing is no fun.

In 2018 I stumbled over a tennis ball and broke a wrist. Lack of balance made me stop.

Still, in the winter months I could walk on snowshoes in our woods. In the summer I could work in the garden till I got tired. Not bad at all.

In March 2024 Lonni and I had to move to a senior facility. We loved our house in Underhill, the garden, the privacy, the woods, the view. I loved my personal places; my shed with all its neatly arranged tools; my workbench in the basement, where I tinkered with repairs. The bookshelves with all our books. My desk, computer and file cabinets were moved to the ‘cottage’ at Otter Creek Residences. Sitting at my old desk felt comfortable.
Lonni made new friends while her two dogs provided daily solace.

Then, Lonni started to lose her personality. In her bewilderment she asked me every day “Why do you do this to me? Why do you hate me so much? Every day we sat for hours on the couch in our loggia, hand-in-hand, the dogs at our feet.  Every day, we were intensely together. Every morning, she started with the same questions. Why? Why? In November she stopped eating and drinking. November 19 she died. That was good. Her suffering was unbearable.
That was not all. My stepchildren withdrew in their own grief.  Within weeks of Lonni’s death both dogs died. So did Lee Adler, Lonni’s  friend since elementary school. The three of us had met weekly on Zoom.  

I was alone for the first time in my life. I was surrounded by friends, but it took me a while to appreciate that. Recently, I moved to my children in Europe. I am very grateful for their willingness to take me in, but it does imply more losses. I found new friendships in Middlebury and my ‘cottage’ was a refuge.

Maybe I will never see my stepchildren and Sylvie again. Since 1986, the year Lonni and I met, they were a big part of our life. Another big loss.

When I left OC  Residences, I left everything I owned behind. I only took my clothes and some files. My few belongings are spread over two houses.  That adds to my confusion.

I also lost my view of the world. I always thought that most people mean well. That might have been true for most people I dealt with. The stupidity and animosity I see now is new to me. I thought that democracy leads to the most good for the most people. Now I see that current forms of democracy cannot work because most people can’t afford the luxury to take the future into account. Now I see that government can be hacked by big money and that a narcistic psychopath can make it to the top. Many people are in awe of ruthless power. Upsetting. Disappointing. Sickening.

I should also mention my loss of capabilities.  Hard of hearing, distorted eyesight, precarious balance, lack of power. Everything I do has become difficult; from pulling on my socks to putting om my pajama.

I lost my positive self-image. I see more clearly how I hurt my children. I see that my marital life was marred by mental issues. Three times I committed to a partner with inner conflicts. In my arrogance, I thought I could help them.    

Now I struggle with PTSD. I function, but the emotional distress remains.

That is not the whole story. I had a privileged life. I loved Lonni intensely. We had an exciting life together. Now my children are taking care of me.
What to do in the remaining time? I have read many books on getting old.  I know the answer. Do what I can. Maintain friendships. Enjoy the freedom and intensity of being old. Today that does not work.