The following story, though far from a literary masterpiece, will go down in history as one of the author's most exceptional wastes of time. It does, however, contain every word beginning with the letter q in the Official Scrabble Players Dictionary (1978 edition) and did make him a better Scrabble player.
Dear Dad,
The other day I found my activities too quiet and set out in quest of fulfillment. Knowing that the Mormans were experts in family trees, I queried whether or not they could help me complete a quality questioning of my ancestory.
Before I tell you a quaint story I uncovered, let me assure you that I do not feel qualmy about this story. The process used to derive it was not quackish -- I would have nothing to do with quackery -- and had nothing to do with quetism though the person in our story is an avowed quietist.
This person, Nero (not the great one), was a queer but quippish quaestor known primarily for his ability to quaff substantial portions of quass and afor his quite incredible journeys. It is one of these journeys that I must tell you about.
Nero loved his querida Leona dearly and give her any queenly treasure she requested. Leona was a famous quilter and was known in particular for the way she quilted quintin. She, however, did not think it made good quilting so requested, of all things, quagga hide.
This left poor Nero quivering for he was not sure he could solve this quandary. The hide would be hard to find.
Undaunted he announced his journey and that he would take a quint with him. As usual, hundreds queued in an attempt to qualify for the trip. Nero quartered these men and then set them quinate. He began to query the men in order to quantize a group from which to choose.
At last he chose his quinary -- John, a fellow questor; Michael, an expert with quippu; Geo, a queerish Englishman; Leo, Geo's quipster twin; and Sergio, a Spaniard and a good quaffer. Nero had no qualms about the group and quadrated with the men that they would leave on the morrow. But a quidnunc among the leftovers began to quibble. He claimed that Sergio was a quadroon and though that was quillet, Nero had quoth that no slaves would be taken. Sergio lunged at the quibbler but quickly grabbed him in a quiff and quelled the fight.
Nero stated that the quote was out of context and that Sergio would be part of the quinary. In his anger, Nero had the now quivering quoter thrown in a quod and the trip went on as planned.
Early the next morning, Nero quirted the horses in a quick spot and the quadriga pulled away on the quixotic mission.
From his queries, Nero had heard of an Albanian queen, Adonna who might have a hide he was looking for. On the way to the quay for the trip across the Adratic Sea to Albania, Nero and his men had a large quagmire to pass through. As they neared the quaggy area, Nero stopped and the group quarried stone for a path through the quag. The hard work left the quarriers tired and emptied their quaiches. Nero felt as if he could drink a quart -- and likely he could have -- but though thirsty he was glad to have a stone path through the quagmiry area.
Soon the men reached the quai. Nero drove onto a boat quayside and paid the quayage, though he had many quaeres about the large fee. As Geo quanted the boat away from shore, the men quenched their thirst with water bought from the dock master. Quietly, Nero went to the rudder, concerned that his queazy condition not cause problems for the trip.
Using a quipu, Michael plotted a course, the sails were unfurled and the ship's speed quickened.
Nero and the men set down to eat the quiche Leona had made for them. For some reason, she did not understand the quantity of the pieces needed and had cut the pie in quadrants. Immediately the men quarrelled over who got what. Nero, qua leader, quashed the bickering and gave two men some of the quenelles he had brought along. After quietening the men, Nero retired to his area and stuffed a quid of quamash in his mouth. Later, he leaned back and sipped water from his quaigh. Except for the occasional quips from Leo, all was quate.
Shortly before docking in Albania, Geo was struck with quartan. Nero concocted a quinic compound but Geo insisted on only straight quinine. Nero left some imported quinnat with Geo and with the remaining quartet set off for the palace. When the questers arrived at the palace, they found Adonna to be a very quare lady. She set with her back to them at a quern and seemed bothered by their presence. Nero made his request for the hide and Adonna quirked around and asked if he knew the quiddity of his request and explained the animal's sad story.
"Quotha!" responded Nero. His quixotry had led him to ask for a hide of such a distinguished animal. What a disgrace!
But Nero was not a quitter. He had come for a purpose and there was no quitting now. "Was there not another way?" he asked Adonna. She had heard of a qaid, a quisling who had returned with Albanian invaders, who might know. But, it would take a lot of quintar.
A querier was sent to see if the man would come and he did. Hw was dressed strangely, wearing a qiviut coat, the the day was warm. His first request was many qurushes. While Nero reached a quietus with the man, Sergio found a merchant who had qursh to exchange for qindar.
Once paid, the man began to talk of a quasi solution. He quaked as he told them how they could create a similar hide. He told them to quantify how many quey hides were needed to make the right size of hide. Next he said to gather quandong sap, several quinoas and a quartern of a ground beak of a quetzal. When the old quaker asked for the quezal, Nero quieted him and quizzed as a quomodo to see if the man's message was quackism. The man complimented Nero as a quizzer and quoting some famous Arabian leader convinced Nero to overcome his qualmish attitude and give the technique a try. Michael went to look for some quandong sap as the quaky man continued his directions.
The ingredients were to be placed in a quincunx on the hide. Next, Nero was to begin quilling the hide with quartz in a quick manner. It worked! What if he had quitted? He was no doubt a quixote, he thought. But why not? All his ideals came together. Well almost.
Nero finished the quirky process, sealed the hide with quinone and quinoid, paid Adonna several quintal of qintar and led his men in a simple quatrain as the quintet headed back to the boat.
Soon after leaving the palace, the group passed several queuers from a quartile waiting to pay quitrent. A querist among them upset someone who queerly drew a sabre and quarte it at another. A distinguished gentleman was able to queer the attack and the attacker quailed back. Nero deducted that the queller was head of the local quintile and that the man probably had reason to be afraid.
As the men neared the boat, Nero noticed the shop of a local printer and sending the men on to the boat with more quinin for Geo he stopped in to have a little note printed for Leona.
The printer was quiring quarto sheets of paper near a small press. He greeted Nero warmly and beckoned for him to come in.
Living near the wharf, the printer had become quite an international trader as well as a pressman. In one corner set a potted quillai. Next to it was a box of quinces and next to them a pair of quinella tickets from South India. The tickets had been obtained by a fireman quandam aboard an Egyptian vessel. The old quencher claimed the tickets were winners for a second quiniela, the printer explained with a twinkle in his eye.
In the corner hung a quintain and on an old quercine table set a pair of ivory dice, both quatre up. A North American toy duck that quacked when its head was lifted was on another counter as were some quahogs. The quahaugs, Nero's nose noticed, were well in need of eating. But the printer's real treasure, which he carefully showed Nero, was a diamond from South Africa, hardly larger than a quark but a treasure all the same.
Being a Hebrew scholar, Nero expressed pleasure to the printer that the shop included a font of Hebrew type. The printer agreed that the font was indeed unusual but that it was missing a qoph and thus was really useless.
Seizing the opportunity for trade, Nero offered to carve the letter in exchange for a small printing job. The printer excitedly agreed.
Nero selected a quale paper and sat down to begin carving. The printer meanwhile grabbed some quadrat and began to quad the type according to Nero's specifications. Shortly, he quoined the type in place and printed the note for Nero.
The the job was a quickie, Nero was happy with it and after bidding farewell to the printer continued on to the boat.
Nero was happy to find that the quinina had worked and Geo's quintan had subsided but was concerned about a quinsy he now had. Combining some quassin made from some quassia wood on a nearby ship and some quinol, Nero mixed a medicine for Geo. But illness was not limited to humans. One of the horses had quittor. For this Nero mixed a quinolin solution which he placed on the hoof and covered with quitch blades.
As evening approached, Neor quoited with the crew for a while and then retired to the boat to rest for the trip home.
When darkness settled, the men returned to the boat. Scientists John and Michael were arguing over some quadric Michael had determined. Their discussion turned to some other number they didn't agree on and at long last determined an incorrect quotient to be at the heart of the problem. That solved, they began analyzing quantics, quartics and quintics.
Scientists, scientists, Nero mused. So useful and yet so bothersome. His brother was a scientist, a quantal expert. Sure, quanta are important, Nero thought, but really, do we need quantum experts?
Soon the mathematics was squared away and the men began playing cards. They stopped briefly to whistle at a quean as she walked by but were not interested in her wares. And she didn't care. She had just come from a city meeting designed to ban prostitution, but the quorum size had not been adequate to render a vote. The men wished her well and returned to their game ... continuing on until a quatorze resulted in an argument which in turn resulted in a loud "shut up" from a nearby boat.
Nero appreciated the quieter. He leaned back on the hide he had secured for Leona, bathed in its odor of quantong and gazed at a quasar above until his eyes fell closed and he drifted off to sleep.
Again, the trip across the Adriatic Sea did not stir Nero's queasy condition. He steered the boat a bit north on the way home to stop in on Curro, a gardener famous for his shrubs and shakes. Curro was indeed a real quaverer. As Nero paid Curro for some quickset, he noticed a quavery spot on the fence. To leave such a quivery, he mused, must leave a quiverer full of splinters.
Nero dropped each man off on the way home, giving each his quota of quadrans. We can only assume that his reception was a happy one for the Mormon records stop here. Nero is an impressive ancestor, no doubt. And, his life has made an impact on me. I no longer desire a frantic pace of life and now look at my slow spots not as boredom but as blessed quietude.
Your loving son,
--- Stephen