Right then, on to business, due to organisational aptitude from Ross the following people turned up for our trip to the French Alps.

• Ross Oldfield (Tired Boy)
• Neil Shirtcliffe (That's me)
• Simon Cooper (Known as Garth)- [my spellchecker has Simian for Simon and Girth for Garth, cue Sid James laugh]
• Adam Horner (His first name begins with G and embarrasses him, I would go for Gerald)
• Frank Uesbeck - The Iron Man
• Matt Goodbody (The "S" bend meister) - what???
• Tim "The City" Lowe
• Anna Richards (Maggot)
• Peter Koudaloudaloudalopolis ( or something)

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Start

It all started to get back to the usual state of impending disaster on discovering that Tim had left his passport at home in St.Reatham and Pete was on the way from somewhere. We ordered a curry from Rice and Spice (978 7001 / 978 6663) to pass the time. The curry arrived at college, as they always do, just as we were leaving, but we almost scored a coolbox from this interaction and only slow thinking from yours truly prevented this happy turn of events.

Off we set to catch up with Ross and Tim who had gone to collect the evil passport. Getting on our way steadily though delayed slightly by a small bus parked in the middle of the road by a driver who was "not allowed to reverse" we managed to scoff much of the food before the return of Ross and Tim.

As most experienced bus driver of the group I was voted most likely to make it to France without crashing, although we shall see the folly of this shortly. The ferry trip was unexciting and I spent much of it asleep. Off the ferry, and we got to drive for about 15 hours through France. Fortunately we had bought dodgy tachograph paper which seemed to think that 60 mph was 60 kph. This made it impossible to reach the speed limit of 100 kph on the payage. With three drivers this journey was not too bad except for one wrong side of the road moment where I ended up on the left side of a large stone barrier and had to race other traffic for the gap, oops.

The mountains were interesting and some of us had begun to feel apprehension l ooking at the foaming rivers and the rocks sharpened just for us. We had a break partway down the pass into Briançon when the brakes seemed a bit odd. The continuous driving across most of France with 4t of stuff followed by steep mountain roads had taken their toll on the brakes a little. We had just stopped in a layby while we let the van cool down a bit when Garth appeared with the remainder of the now half day old curry and ran off into the trees to eat it.

At the campsite we had our first cheap beer and put up The Tent; this belongs to some scout troop and is a monstrosity, we can fit everyone, all our kit and the bus inside it. By this time the three of us with our own tents were pissed enough to put these up...badly. We had a tent over a ditch (Ross), one on a pile of rocks (Tim) and one with the inner and outer layers horribly twisted (me). Between the nine of us we managed to take up two university size plots.

Next order of business was the instigation of the swim beers system - a sliding scale of beer fines for swimming based on assumed paddling expertise. This was intended so that the brunt of beer buying would fall on Matt and myself, having high penalties and fairly regular swimming experiences. As with all cunning plans this did not work exactly as intended. The relative positions in this table might explain some of the later information and why I dwell more on some swimming events than on others.

• Ross headed the table as it was his idea and I have not been nasty as he will edit this anyway.
• Adam came a close second due to his claim to be a "solid class V paddler".
• Garth was next and I was almost equal, a standing I disputed.
• Matt came a few beers lower due to his previous form, swimming on the Aber Glaslyn Gorge.
• Tim was about equal to Matt, although unproven at the time he works in the city so can afford it.
• Pete got off lightly as he swam at the only other club trip he had been on.
• Frank and Anna began on one beer per swim each as they were quite inexperienced.

Garth narrowly escapes a swim - click for bigger version (55k)

Da Bus

We travelled in a Ford Transit with power steering and central locking (say ooooo) towing a huge trailer. Only myself, Garth and Ross were insured to drive and Ross had had no previous record of driving the monster and generally cried off driving about claiming to be too scared to drive.

Eating Stuff

Matt proved as ever to be a keen if not skilled chef - the finest two possessions we had on the food front were a barbecue (handy for not washing up) and a coffee pot (courtesy of Ross).

Breakfast consisted of coffee and croissants which the local baker began to make in ever increasing numbers after about three days of being cleaned out by us. Lunches were cheapened by the presence of Frank who had his own sausage mountain. When not incinerating various roadkill candidates on the barbecue our evening meals consisted of either stew thing with mystery meat and Random Spice with complementary potatoes, rice or shite pasta. Our food expenditure depended on the genetic tightness of those sent to shop. Really cheap things were... Turkey legs, Herring and shite pasta . After a particularly bad meal of mince kind of chilli and shite pasta the next meal of kilos of turkey and rice for less money was considered to be a success. The "Goatee boys", a disperate group of renegade ex Nott. Uni paddlers, kept their costs low by stealing beer and eating pasta with tuna and sweetcorn every day.

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Paddling Stuff - week # 1

The Clarée

At the takeout it was brought to Garth's notice that he had the key to the lock on the bicycle, in his trousers, only 6 or 7 km away so he was voted chief contender for hitching a lift instead.

It was during this day that Simon was banned from driving on small roads as he does not like to slow down for corners and the rest of us thought that the top of a cliff is a whole lot better than the side for driving on.

Back at the Bat Cave, and that tent is remarkably like a cave now I think of it, we quaffed the 90 or so beers that had been purchased due to all the swimming and in a flurry of inadvised activity tried to fix our tents, pissed again.

The Durance

Morning arrived with Ross and Frank looking somewhat red, and as it was sunny again Ross took the day off and drove about all day. Some of the rest of us did not bother with dry cags as this was the planned easy day and it was sunny (Murphy approaching). The swim beers rule had something about having to use the Toppolino Duo at some point so Matt and Tim decided that this was their chance to get away cheaply (oh dear).

We went off on the Durance to do what is called the "Sunshine Run" as the valley is wide, the river is easy (grade II+) and the weather is good (more invitations to The Lady). At the top of this there is a slalom course which is arguably the most difficult piece of the day's paddle. Those of us that completed this sans drytops decided that the water temperature left a lot to be desired and Matt and Tim went for their drycags (good plan of the day No1). Adam spent a happy day telling tales of death and woe ( yes, on the grade II bit..) to Anna who was still worried by her narrow escape the previous day. Frank had a quick dip to make sure that the river really was cold (it was) and we continued under Adam's guidance to a pourover that he ran blind in his wisdom. This lead to much fun and games when the Topo Duo sank (loads of beer) and the rest of us pursued for ages. Then it began to rain and continued to be cold and wet all day - so much for sunshine.

We managed to evade Ross at the lunch place we had chosen whilst he was lost somewhere practising trailer control in the wilds of France. Frank managed to swim again as he was breaking out by leaning the wrong way - a familiar mistake, but he insisted on it often. Soon Tim and Matt found a ripple with at least 6 inches towback and went for another swim leaving Simon and I to stop half a tonne of water and plastic. This was amusing and Matt took a lift from a raft (major karma upset). At the end of this run is a wave, called a playwave jocularly at the Rabioux campsite. We had a quick look and Adam declared that we were all going to be horribly hurt, this was somewhat worrying as he is a self confessed "solid class V paddler". Off we went to our doom and all survived except Pete who swam but kept boat and paddle. Then followed numerous attempts to surf the wave, I managed at least 2 seconds, which was something of a record. Declaring this a poor sport as much paddling was involved we went home.

After the Adam treatment, Anna decided in her wisdom (ha) that she would refuse to do any more paddling unless I took her in the Duo (no, not like that). I was somewhat apprehensive when Ross escaped this fate by quoting his unlucky record in that boat. Until this trip I had yet to get into it without swimming either but I failed to mention this to Anna as she seemed apprehensive enough as it was.

Driving fun

It rained all night and all the next day. We set off to look at the Onde - my turn to drive (bad call). The Onde is through a village where they had a market in full swing; it is not easy driving between market stall with people milling over the road with a bus and trailer. The road then gets narrower and steeper and crapper and gets to another village where it is very narrow. Following the instructions of Ross we went up and up, past a campsite and up some more, there were streams over the road and it was still getting narrower so we went on a bit more before deciding to do a 3 point turn on a hairpin. This was scarier than any of the rivers that we had completed thus far.

We finally had a look at the water and saw that it was high and getting higher and the rocks were very pointy and there were very few eddies. All except Garth decided this was a bit much but then he never was one for logic. We returned home via a supermarket where Garth was in charge of buying food. Being tight fisted enough to beat the devil he bought the cheapest pasta in history which was indescribably shite. (Notice a pattern developing here..? Ed.) None of the students present had ever experienced pasta quite so nasty (there is still a packet in the canoe store if anyone doubts my word and I am sure Ross will send any distant doubters a sample).

Upper Ubaye

Set off in the rain again to look at the upper Ubaye to derisive laughter from the goatee boys. This river has a different catchment area and is grade II-III, entailing driving over a mountain pass. This went up and up and up, into the cloud with at least 4 foot visibility and then down and down and down with wet brakes, oh what fun for the driver. Off we toddled down the river in the rain again. This run, unlike the others in the area, is almost devoid of rocks but does have a few large standing waves. Anna and I in the Duo were not really affected by these but Frank managed to get in what was becoming his quota of 2 swims. As Garth was leaving the next day we had a quick look at la Fresquières (grade IV++) which contained loads of sharp pointy rocks and was a nasty grey. Garth was well up for dying in there but we decided to skip this notorious rapid and keep all of our boats and limbs that day and travelled back to camp to play on the slalom course where Pete went for two swims, the second resulting in him loosing his boat. Emboldened by the ease of the river I set off after the boat and beached it, unfortunately losing my own boat in the process (duh!). Pete arrived and noticed so I was unable to conceal this hideous blunder and was fined 1 crate of cheap French piss. I caught up with the boat a few km downstream.

Upper Guil

The next day we went up a grade to do the Upper Guil grade III+(IV) and I was really expecting to swim as I had drawn the long and heavy straw and was back in the Duo with Anna. We arrived and found that we were running out of micropore tape with all of the scrapes on peoples' hands. The rocks in the area have small pieces of sharpened quartz (glass) waiting for approaching hands. The first rapid is very small and is something of a confidence booster, after this both Anna and Frank seemed a little more relaxed. A few more short drops and Frank decided that it was time for a dip. We then proceeded to a small rapid, which is formally grade IV, and most of us walked round. The next group soon caught us up while Matt, Garth, Ross and Adam were deciding on their routes, one of them decided not to break out and to run the rapid backwards (half of it upside-down) which is not a good plan (ask Matt or see previous trips). He surfaced with a nice wound to match the one on another of their party, achieved on the Onde. After this show we broke out the cameras for comedy series showing Matt and Garth taking poor lines and generally [censored] up. Neither swam however and we caught them up round the next corner in some large. The next bit involves a narrowish portion of river and a virtually straight pourover. Ross set off first with Anna and I in pursuit in the Duo somewhat afeared by the accounts of Garth and Matt who had had a look. The Duo passed over the hole, barely slowing enough to get into the eddy behind but the rest had other ideas. Pete decided to drop over the lip slowly and surf the hole sideways for ages while we all laughed and got our lines out. Adam decided to show off by doing a popout which he sort of managed - popping out of his boat and swimming, fortunately not very far as Frank had a bit of a swim too. Below this point there were few hazards except for a tree that Frank managed to crash into and swim, ruining his 2 swim per day average. At some point Pete had another go at rapid swimming.

At the takeout Garth was sent off to get the bus, he took off his buoyancy aid, leaving the key in it and ran off. Ross discovered this and I was able to get a lift and pass him waiting. Obviously being a fat, balding dwarf makes it difficult to get lifts and he was duly fined one crate of beer. On the way back Garth decided to check the train times and other transport possibilities as he was leaving the next morning and is really good at planning.

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The Onde

Later we all dragged ourselves to the Onde where it seemed to me to be at least as high as the last time but we got on anyway. Adam, Ross, Matt, Tim and I paddled, and the rest ran about and waited round the corner for me to swim (which I duly did right in front of the camera). This run is very fast, boulder choked and bumpy, and I swam on a fairly easy bit due to being hopelessly out of control. I would grade the Onde as a very fun IV- but Ross gives it a "generous III" - it is certainly a fast trip and worth the risk of driving off a mountain on the way. I got the dubious pleasure of running the 2 or 3 km back as the road goes the long way round.

Later in the day Anna was ready to go back to solo boating on the Durance taking Ross, Adam, Frank and Pete along. Matt stayed to cook and I drove to the takeout where they were not. They abandoned due to lateness at around 6pm about halfway, leaving Ross and Pete to hitch in opposite directions a very long way. By this time it was getting dark and even colder.

The Durance

The next day we headed up the valley to the Durance a little higher up, putting in near Briançon and floating down to a barrage at Prelles. This is a simple section of river (grade II) so we left Adam behind. A sewage outfall creates an easy breakout just below the put in and a nasty smell. We passed a small group swimming from their boats and drinking the water, nice. Climbing up at the barrage we found their lift sitting around in the sun (ooh a sunny day). Frank did not manage his swim quota and I nearly died taking a lift in a Renault 4 van - I was more scared than I had been all trip. At the foot of this run is a 6 m barrage where the water disappears out of view, Adam wanted to run this and we had the emergency services ready on speed dial but we would not let him borrow a club boat for this feat so his ego escaped untarnished from not trying. It was early so we visited the Onde for what was expected to be a perfect run. Ross boobytrapped my boat by putting the first aid kit in the back (we all know what happens to the medic). Matt saved me however by pinning in a cross slot, cutting off the flow so that my trip over his head was simplified. He soon swam, trapping his legs and bruising himself painfully. I got to do the run to the bus again.

Upper Guil

Another day and back to the Upper Guil again. The drive to this river involves two really long tunnels and some narrow roads on the edge of a cliff so it is a bummer when you meet someone coming the other way. We were fairly confident that Frank and Anna could complete this without mishap but it was not to be, Frank made up for his good day by swimming 5 times ( this must be some kind of record). He was becoming quite accomplished at swimming, sometimes falling out and managing to rescue the boat and paddle and get back in before anyone noticed. Matt had a better run on the harder section than before but still managed to get cries of "shit line" from the audience. I was fortunately unable to hear what they said about me. Anna had a couple of swims and appeared to be getting into the idea of things. In contrast Adam found a piece of grade VI that nobody else saw and went for a long swim.

We quaffed all of the penalty beers and some more liberated by the goatee boys who had by now shaved and become house trained. By this time we had several classes of beer, there was Kronenburg which was rapidly stolen and stockpiled by Tim and Ross, 33 which I thought was quite good at 8 p a bottle and some kind of gaulouise bière blonde that tasted of garlic. The drinking games now involved garlic beer penalties - Pete became somewhat inebriated and began insulting Portsmouth Uni in general and some Irish bint in particular an generally enamouring ourselves to the rest of the campsite.

Upper Guisance

Again the good weather did not last overnight and we set off in the rain to do the Upper Guisane. Anna decided to sit around in the bus which was actually quite a good plan as it was the coldest river of the trip and not very exciting. There was one small hardish section where Frank swam. He also had another swim where the river had become flat, going back to his 2 per day strategy. It was really cold waiting and Ross realised the error of not shuttling earlier as there was little traffic.

When he eventually arrived it was getting dark and he had managed to pull out the wire to the trailer lights. A lot of fiddling later I set off to a nearby garage just in time to avoid the Gendarmes who gave Ross a hard time until he told them that we had gone to buy a new plug and wire (a complete lie). The lights were fixed so that the brakes and indicators worked but only with the headlights off. I then had to drive back in the increasing darkness with no lights hoping not to meet the same gendarmes. We met up with Dom and Ali, old members of the club, in the evening and went to a bar to drink the night away. I had a competition against Ross as to who could get incapably drunk fastest and lost with the booby prize being to drive back. Back at the bat cave Anna found a friend who sounded a bit like Beavis and insulted the most pleasant of the (ex)goatee boys. As the (ex)goatee boys were now in favour with Ross, having promised to take him on a nasty river, this did not help his cause.

The Clarée

In the morning Ross went off to run the Guil with the exgoatee types while the rest of us stayed in bed. Later on we went back to the Clarée so that Frank and Anna could have another go. Frank had too many wounds so stayed behind as Anna showed great improvement, running a difficult section and only swimming after much aqueous encouragement. We had a look at the Lower Guisane but this was a bit scary and took us ages to find. After much soul searching we decided to run the Clarée again rapidly as it was getting late. On this racing run Pete swam probably due to his suggestion that swim beers for this run count as doubled. Ross returned tired after running nearly all of the Guil and swimming epically on trois chutes. We decided that we had had enough beer for a while and bought a busload of wine. This resulted in more drunken antics.

The next day Ross was too tired to paddle having spooneed-up on the Guil consistently for 20 odd kms. Anna was too tired for some other reason. We had a few games of volleyball and then played about on the slalom course at the campsite. Adam naturally had a swim on the course and decided to move his seat, this being the true cause for all those swims. This time he had been almost unconscious (honest) remembering his tale of a previous swim where he reckons he was breathing air bubbles due to being in a hole for ages (about 5 seconds by my count). Pete managed 3 swims even after extensive roll training. I had a go in Tim's boat, an RPM. It was extremely fun but took me by surprise and I nearly swam.

Last Day - Chateau Queyras Gorge