Interview with Doctor Quack

by Jeremy Tyck

Interviewer: "What is your stance on circumcision doctor?"

DQ: "I'm all for tying down creatures that are weaker than me, cutting away important body parts, then saying they can't feel it to avoid litigation. People need this sort of thing. The earlier the better. Just imagine how peaceful and harmonious people would be without this being encoded into them during the first days of life in our world?"

Interviewer: "It is almost too scary for me to think about."

DQ: "Paranoia and fear are often overlooked by the modern caregiver. No amount of neglect and abuse can compare to the sheer amount of terror we introduce into your bundle of joy. That's the type of quality care you can't match any other way. Who else is going to give your baby this eye opening experience? Some religious quack who still holds on to outdated traditions? Some person who doesn't use cold plastic and steel tools, assembly line methods, and an uninviting sterile environment that would make robots cringe? Where's the life altering experience in that? We don't need any other reason than nature is ignorant and we are smart. It's up to us to correct the flawed bodies that have let us survive for thousands of years. I'm going to give it to you straight. The baby needs this. The baby wants it so bad he can taste it. Babies are vile and conceited little creatures, all they do is whine and poop. They're perpetual garbage disposals that make a 'waah' sound. There's even been times when I've seen a baby get an erection as the nurse straps him down and puts antiseptic on his penis."

Interviewer: "Disgusting."

DQ: "What do they think this is a brothel? If these little pigs are going to learn how to live in our society they need the gift only a metal clamp and scalpel can give them. They may give the impression that they don't like it and have been betrayed by their fellow humans, but that is just speculative nonsense at this point. I have never had a baby tell me to stop. Let's face it, if they really didn't like to be held down and attacked then they would say so, but all they do is cry. Babies are dumb and can't express themselves the way higher level mammals like us can. How can you be sure they aren't elated with so much excitement it isn't a happy cry? If this procedure was so bad for the baby wouldn't you hear ear piercing screams as the baby struggles? Until it whites out, and its body shut offs and looks like an oxygen deprived comatose Smurf?"

Interviewer: "Yes."

DQ: "I can personally say that I have never seen that happen in all the years I've been correcting the hideous mistakes of nature we call our male babies."

The doctor spirals further as the interview progresses.

DQ: "Having seen public opinion, and fearing for my medical license, I would like to alter my stance. Do I think that babies are vile and putrid little creatures that deserve all the pain they get, yes. Do I advocate tearing, crushing and cutting their penis to achieve this? No."

Interviewer: "Yes but,"

DQ: "Look Ed."

Interviewer: "My name isn't Ed."

DQ: "Look Jeb, I don't advocate circumcision trauma anymore than a Polar Bear advocates eating its young."

Interviewer: "Is it true that you are lucratively paid for the sale of the cut skin to organ harvesters?"

DQ: "I get paid the same no matter who I sell it to."

Interviewer: "What is your new position?"

DQ: "I'm glad that you asked Gary. I did some research the other night on Yahoo and have arrived at the conclusion that circumcision prevents all bad things from happening."

Interviewer: stunned silence

DQ: "A study in Africa showed that a certain population group that was not circumcised and that was exposed to certain VDs had a high epidemic of VDs. Another population group that wasn't exposed to those VDs and that was circumcised had no cases reported of those VDs."

Interviewer: "You’re saying that circumcision prevents the spread of venereal disease?"

DQ: "No, I'm saying that people who are circumcised are too smart to allow a group of eugenics engineers pretending to be researchers to expose them to a host of VDs for season tickets to 'Cats'! 'Cats' isn't even playing anymore. There can be no survival in an uncompassionate and psychopathic world unless we're all brutalized and psychopathic! Get them before they get you! Sadism is love! The gods love you Larry! Let them mutilate you! It's like they say in baseball; defense is offense!"

Interviewer: "Cleary circumcision has benefits."

DQ: "That's what I'm saying Todd. Did you know that the cut penis skin can be reused for treating patients who need tissue transplants? This is what it's all about, the good we can do for our fellow man."

Interviewer: "You don't say."

DQ: "Yes, I've even had patients I've circumcised approach me about the procedure."

Interviewer: "That must be nice to get some recognition."

DQ: "They usually tell me that they are going to peel the skin off of my body with a fruit peeler and sacrifice it to their anti-circumcision gods."

Interviewer: "And your follow up to this would be?"

DQ: "It just reinforces the fact that circumcision makes you smarter Gary. Clearly using a fruit peeler is beyond the grasp of most men. I have trouble opening juice boxes, I never know what end to poke. Who knows what would happen if people like me weren't circumcised? The world would stop turning Harry, the-world-would-stop-turning."

Interviewer: "We wouldn't want that."

DQ: "No Ed we wouldn't. If the world stopped turning it would lose its gravity and everybody would fall off."

Interviewer: "I suppose you got this from Yahoo."

DQ: "No I saw it on a '2010' movie, our planet operates on a centrifugal gravity system."

Interviewer: stunned silence

DQ: "That is why everybody needs to be circumcised."

Interviewer: "You were saying how circumcised skin is sold and used in tissue transplants. If the people who are asking for transplants or various creams the skin is used in are circumcised; are those that have been circumcised buying something back that was theirs to begin with?"

DQ: stunned silence

Interviewer: "Wouldn't you agree that this is a case of cutting off somebody's arm to further the growth of the prosthetics industry?"

DQ: "Now you're going over my head Jerry. All I know is that in Japan they sold more bagels when circumcision rates went up last year. Clearly circumcision helps support the struggling bagel farmers in that country."

Interviewer: "So you're going off of statistical evidence here?"

DQ: "Again Jerry, way over my head."

Interviewer: "Are you aware of the phrase "snake oil"? It's a product that the seller claims to cure everything from the common cold to cancer. It's used to describe any miracle procedure with obvious ineffectiveness and/or ulterior motives."

DQ: "It cures the common cold and cancer! Where I can get some?"

Interviewer: "Why do I try..."

DQ: "Did you know that sniffing glue can lead to increased states of awareness?"

Interviewer: .....

DQ: "It's true, studies of children who eat paste and sniff glue during art class have shown them to be more active and better ready for extra scholastic activities like soccer. Extra scholastic activities are good for kids Jerry, it keeps them out of trouble."

Interviewer: "Do you have any concept of relevant cause and effect in your mind at all?"

DQ: "Let me check, nope."

For the next several minutes the doctor seemed to lift off into space, staring vapidly with a dumb grin on his face.

DQ: "Did you know that ancient civilizations on the moon used to circumcise their young? Do you know why Jerry?"

Interviewer: "No but I suppose you're going to tell me."

DQ: "To keep their penises from explosively decompressing. There's no gravity on the moon, if they had that shell around their penis the air trapped inside would burst out."

Interviewer: "Ouch."

DQ: "Explosive decompression, real scary stuff."

Interviewer: "That sounds like a smart society."

DQ: "That's because they were circumcised. If they weren't circumcised how could they build rockets to travel to the moon ? It's a long way from Mars."

Interviewer: "How would they travel from Mars? That's a good point doctor."

DQ: "What?"

Interviewer: "I said it was a good point."

DQ: "You have to stop sidetracking us here Jerry, this is an important issue."

Interviewer: "You said that you've gotten no complaints from people who you've circumcised, I'd like to show you a letter from somebody who says differently:

Doctor,

Your senseless act has ruined my life, there is not a day that goes by when I don't think about what you took from me. You are a vile excuse of a man and should not be allowed a medical license."

DQ: "Clearly this is not an issue about whether or not he was circumcised. A circumcised man would be too insecure and traumatized to send a letter, I doubt that he was circumcised at all."

Interviewer: "You don't get any valid complaints then?"

DQ: "I haven't listened to a single one of them."

Interviewer: "Perceptive reality doctor?"

DQ: "Hey did you know the kids like circumcision, it's like earrings and tattoos."

Interviewer: "You don't say."

DQ: "I do."

Interviewer: "Ok you do, what do you have to say about the subject?"

DQ: "About what."

Interviewer: "About circumcision being a trend."

DQ: "I didn't say that."

Interviewer: "But,"

DQ: "Look Ed, I know you aren't the smartest knife in the drawer but try to keep up."

Interviewer: "Alright doctor."

DQ: "Everybody should be circumcised."

Interviewer: "You don't say... I mean, why is that?"

DQ: "Because people are defective, God wouldn't of given us scalpels if he didn't want us to cut something."

Interviewer: "You would recommend that girls get circumcised then?"

DQ: "No, what are you an animal? That would be dehumanizing and cruel. That would be like giving men equal treatment in equality laws. Men are pigs Jerry, I would know I'm a man. Do you want to see?"

Interviewer: "No! Pull your pants back up doctor!"

DQ: "Once I get going I don't stop. If it wasn't for the guilt and repression of circumcision half the world would be impregnated with my piggish seed by now."

Interviewer: "Scary."

DQ: "If your children were packaged with dipping sauce would you eat them?"

Interviewer: "What?"

DQ: "It's a simple question Jerry."

Interviewer: "No! Of course I wouldn't."

DQ: "I would."

Interviewer: ........

DQ: "My favorite sauce is barbecue. Did you know that a circumcised man invented barbecue sauce? Just think what the world would be like without barbecue sauce."

Interviewer: "I can't imagine."

The doctor turned around and tried to talk to the wall for fifteen minutes. I regained his attention by yelling 'candy bar', for some reason the doctor has a thing for candy bars.

DQ: "'What's Happening' or 'Good Times'?"

Interviewer: "Good Times?"

DQ: "I like Fat Albert."

Interviewer: "That's great doctor." It was at this point that I decided to make my exit. Leaving the doctor to feed his fish rubber cement and sniff aquarium algae.

* For additional writings by this author and healer, visit his blog: http://realitymeetsdream.com/blog/

by Jeremy Tyck

Interviewer: "What is your stance on circumcision doctor?"

DQ: "I'm all for tying down creatures that are weaker than me, cutting away important body parts, then saying they can't feel it to avoid litigation. People need this sort of thing. The earlier the better. Just imagine how peaceful and harmonious people would be without this being encoded into them during the first days of life in our world?"

Interviewer: "It is almost too scary for me to think about."

DQ: "Paranoia and fear are often overlooked by the modern caregiver. No amount of neglect and abuse can compare to the sheer amount of terror we introduce into your bundle of joy. That's the type of quality care you can't match any other way. Who else is going to give your baby this eye opening experience? Some religious quack who still holds on to outdated traditions? Some person who doesn't use cold plastic and steel tools, assembly line methods, and an uninviting sterile environment that would make robots cringe? Where's the life altering experience in that? We don't need any other reason than nature is ignorant and we are smart. It's up to us to correct the flawed bodies that have let us survive for thousands of years. I'm going to give it to you straight. The baby needs this. The baby wants it so bad he can taste it. Babies are vile and conceited little creatures, all they do is whine and poop. They're perpetual garbage disposals that make a 'waah' sound. There's even been times when I've seen a baby get an erection as the nurse straps him down and puts antiseptic on his penis."

Interviewer: "Disgusting."

DQ: "What do they think this is a brothel? If these little pigs are going to learn how to live in our society they need the gift only a metal clamp and scalpel can give them. They may give the impression that they don't like it and have been betrayed by their fellow humans, but that is just speculative nonsense at this point. I have never had a baby tell me to stop. Let's face it, if they really didn't like to be held down and attacked then they would say so, but all they do is cry. Babies are dumb and can't express themselves the way higher level mammals like us can. How can you be sure they aren't elated with so much excitement it isn't a happy cry? If this procedure was so bad for the baby wouldn't you hear ear piercing screams as the baby struggles? Until it whites out, and its body shut offs and looks like an oxygen deprived comatose Smurf?"

Interviewer: "Yes."

DQ: "I can personally say that I have never seen that happen in all the years I've been correcting the hideous mistakes of nature we call our male babies."

The doctor spirals further as the interview progresses.

DQ: "Having seen public opinion, and fearing for my medical license, I would like to alter my stance. Do I think that babies are vile and putrid little creatures that deserve all the pain they get, yes. Do I advocate tearing, crushing and cutting their penis to achieve this? No."

Interviewer: "Yes but,"

DQ: "Look Ed."

Interviewer: "My name isn't Ed."

DQ: "Look Jeb, I don't advocate circumcision trauma anymore than a Polar Bear advocates eating its young."

Interviewer: "Is it true that you are lucratively paid for the sale of the cut skin to organ harvesters?"

DQ: "I get paid the same no matter who I sell it to."

Interviewer: "What is your new position?"

DQ: "I'm glad that you asked Gary. I did some research the other night on Yahoo and have arrived at the conclusion that circumcision prevents all bad things from happening."

Interviewer: stunned silence

DQ: "A study in Africa showed that a certain population group that was not circumcised and that was exposed to certain VDs had a high epidemic of VDs. Another population group that wasn't exposed to those VDs and that was circumcised had no cases reported of those VDs."

Interviewer: "You’re saying that circumcision prevents the spread of venereal disease?"

DQ: "No, I'm saying that people who are circumcised are too smart to allow a group of eugenics engineers pretending to be researchers to expose them to a host of VDs for season tickets to 'Cats'! 'Cats' isn't even playing anymore. There can be no survival in an uncompassionate and psychopathic world unless we're all brutalized and psychopathic! Get them before they get you! Sadism is love! The gods love you Larry! Let them mutilate you! It's like they say in baseball; defense is offense!"

Interviewer: "Cleary circumcision has benefits."

DQ: "That's what I'm saying Todd. Did you know that the cut penis skin can be reused for treating patients who need tissue transplants? This is what it's all about, the good we can do for our fellow man."

Interviewer: "You don't say."

DQ: "Yes, I've even had patients I've circumcised approach me about the procedure."

Interviewer: "That must be nice to get some recognition."

DQ: "They usually tell me that they are going to peel the skin off of my body with a fruit peeler and sacrifice it to their anti-circumcision gods."

Interviewer: "And your follow up to this would be?"

DQ: "It just reinforces the fact that circumcision makes you smarter Gary. Clearly using a fruit peeler is beyond the grasp of most men. I have trouble opening juice boxes, I never know what end to poke. Who knows what would happen if people like me weren't circumcised? The world would stop turning Harry, the-world-would-stop-turning."

Interviewer: "We wouldn't want that."

DQ: "No Ed we wouldn't. If the world stopped turning it would lose its gravity and everybody would fall off."

Interviewer: "I suppose you got this from Yahoo."

DQ: "No I saw it on a '2010' movie, our planet operates on a centrifugal gravity system."

Interviewer: stunned silence

DQ: "That is why everybody needs to be circumcised."

Interviewer: "You were saying how circumcised skin is sold and used in tissue transplants. If the people who are asking for transplants or various creams the skin is used in are circumcised; are those that have been circumcised buying something back that was theirs to begin with?"

DQ: stunned silence

Interviewer: "Wouldn't you agree that this is a case of cutting off somebody's arm to further the growth of the prosthetics industry?"

DQ: "Now you're going over my head Jerry. All I know is that in Japan they sold more bagels when circumcision rates went up last year. Clearly circumcision helps support the struggling bagel farmers in that country."

Interviewer: "So you're going off of statistical evidence here?"

DQ: "Again Jerry, way over my head."

Interviewer: "Are you aware of the phrase "snake oil"? It's a product that the seller claims to cure everything from the common cold to cancer. It's used to describe any miracle procedure with obvious ineffectiveness and/or ulterior motives."

DQ: "It cures the common cold and cancer! Where I can get some?"

Interviewer: "Why do I try..."

DQ: "Did you know that sniffing glue can lead to increased states of awareness?"

Interviewer: .....

DQ: "It's true, studies of children who eat paste and sniff glue during art class have shown them to be more active and better ready for extra scholastic activities like soccer. Extra scholastic activities are good for kids Jerry, it keeps them out of trouble."

Interviewer: "Do you have any concept of relevant cause and effect in your mind at all?"

DQ: "Let me check, nope."

For the next several minutes the doctor seemed to lift off into space, staring vapidly with a dumb grin on his face.

DQ: "Did you know that ancient civilizations on the moon used to circumcise their young? Do you know why Jerry?"

Interviewer: "No but I suppose you're going to tell me."

DQ: "To keep their penises from explosively decompressing. There's no gravity on the moon, if they had that shell around their penis the air trapped inside would burst out."

Interviewer: "Ouch."

DQ: "Explosive decompression, real scary stuff."

Interviewer: "That sounds like a smart society."

DQ: "That's because they were circumcised. If they weren't circumcised how could they build rockets to travel to the moon ? It's a long way from Mars."

Interviewer: "How would they travel from Mars? That's a good point doctor."

DQ: "What?"

Interviewer: "I said it was a good point."

DQ: "You have to stop sidetracking us here Jerry, this is an important issue."

Interviewer: "You said that you've gotten no complaints from people who you've circumcised, I'd like to show you a letter from somebody who says differently:

Doctor,

Your senseless act has ruined my life, there is not a day that goes by when I don't think about what you took from me. You are a vile excuse of a man and should not be allowed a medical license."

DQ: "Clearly this is not an issue about whether or not he was circumcised. A circumcised man would be too insecure and traumatized to send a letter, I doubt that he was circumcised at all."

Interviewer: "You don't get any valid complaints then?"

DQ: "I haven't listened to a single one of them."

Interviewer: "Perceptive reality doctor?"

DQ: "Hey did you know the kids like circumcision, it's like earrings and tattoos."

Interviewer: "You don't say."

DQ: "I do."

Interviewer: "Ok you do, what do you have to say about the subject?"

DQ: "About what."

Interviewer: "About circumcision being a trend."

DQ: "I didn't say that."

Interviewer: "But,"

DQ: "Look Ed, I know you aren't the smartest knife in the drawer but try to keep up."

Interviewer: "Alright doctor."

DQ: "Everybody should be circumcised."

Interviewer: "You don't say... I mean, why is that?"

DQ: "Because people are defective, God wouldn't of given us scalpels if he didn't want us to cut something."

Interviewer: "You would recommend that girls get circumcised then?"

DQ: "No, what are you an animal? That would be dehumanizing and cruel. That would be like giving men equal treatment in equality laws. Men are pigs Jerry, I would know I'm a man. Do you want to see?"

Interviewer: "No! Pull your pants back up doctor!"

DQ: "Once I get going I don't stop. If it wasn't for the guilt and repression of circumcision half the world would be impregnated with my piggish seed by now."

Interviewer: "Scary."

DQ: "If your children were packaged with dipping sauce would you eat them?"

Interviewer: "What?"

DQ: "It's a simple question Jerry."

Interviewer: "No! Of course I wouldn't."

DQ: "I would."

Interviewer: ........

DQ: "My favorite sauce is barbecue. Did you know that a circumcised man invented barbecue sauce? Just think what the world would be like without barbecue sauce."

Interviewer: "I can't imagine."

The doctor turned around and tried to talk to the wall for fifteen minutes. I regained his attention by yelling 'candy bar', for some reason the doctor has a thing for candy bars.

DQ: "'What's Happening' or 'Good Times'?"

Interviewer: "Good Times?"

DQ: "I like Fat Albert."

Interviewer: "That's great doctor." It was at this point that I decided to make my exit. Leaving the doctor to feed his fish rubber cement and sniff aquarium algae.

* For additional writings by this author and healer, visit his blog: http://realitymeetsdream.com

~*~

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