2014

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Goodbye 2014 - sorry but I am not all that sorry to see you go. 2014 was a year overshadowed by my parent's health concerns and the sale of our house. Repeated hospital and rehab visits for both of my parents and dealing with the resulting issues as their health deteriorated was draining. Sadly, this included watching Mom die on August 8. The bright spot in all of this was going to North Carolina in November to say my final goodbye to her as family members laid her to rest with her parents and sisters. It felt right for her to finally be home again and for me it was a calming moment that brought some closure.

I said goodbye to Michael in October as he left for Hawaii to attend to business there while I worked on getting our house sold here. Thankfully a closing finally happened on December 4 but I found it to be a bittersweet moment. Saying goodbye to our home of 30 plus years was not easy and walking out of the closing and not having Michael there to share that moment of mixed emotions with (sadness, relief and celebration) felt especially lonely. It was definitely a Casey's kind of night that didn't happen.

There have been many good moments as well - Sean's successful kickstarter is a good example. And I have felt especially fortunate to have had family to fall back on many times this year. I could go on and on but think I will stop here and simply say "all pau."

Monday, December 29, 2014

Butch and I visited with Dad yesterday and ended up going by the Lennane house to look for pants for him after seeing him in someone else's sweatpants again. After finding two pairs of his newer pants at the house, I realized Dad must have only had two pairs of pants at the nursing home, not four pairs as I had assumed so it's no surprise he was always out of clothes. Poor old guy. He still wants to go to the bank to open a safe deposit box and seems to have all kinds of auction plans. I have no sense at all though about how mobile he might be because he is always in a wheelchair when we visit and there isn't any evidence that he is using a walker or cane to get around. Of course, the same can be said of just about everyone else housed in the facility...

The realization that I have only a few weeks to get my act together hit me last night (of course resulting in my brain refusing to shut down when I tried to sleep). So I hope to finish packing everything that needs to be mailed this week. I should probably also clean the inside of my car before I sell it - something I am now wishing I had done when it was 20 degrees warmer. Sigh...

Saturday, December 27, 2014

I am starting to feel like natural selection is at work (or survival of the fittest) as I watch family members fighting off various ailments and in some case having some serious medical issues over the holidays. April, Celina, Sean, Aimee, and yes, even me have all had issues in varying degrees. Fortunately for me, I got an intermittent cough but somehow escaped the fever, etc., April actually ended up in the emergency room today and was treated for dehydration. And Aimee is currently hospitalized for possible kidney failure. Not pretty...

I was sorry to see Sean and Rose leave today but I am sure they will be happy to back in their own bed tonight especially after the mouse incident a few nights ago. I am glad that I will have an opportunity to see them before I leave for Hawaii.

I am happy hearing from Michael that he has been spending time with his family in Hawaii. It sounds like they were very generous with him at Christmas. I am sure he was like a little kid when he opened his gift and discovered a Go Pro. Hey, let's hope he springs for a board mount that actually works...

Thursday, December 25, 2014

This is my first Christmas without Michael and while I was fortunate to have Sean and Rose here with me today, it just wasn't the same. I really miss him and the holidays as expected felt a little empty. But there were a few moments today that hit me right in the heart. I offered Sean his Christmas stocking and he asked me take it to the Hawaii house so he could enjoy it there. He also bought me a pair of earrings I was admiring when we were out shopping. Funny how much these little moments mean. Rose gave me a little Michigan shaped wooden necklace and also a little Illinois shaped wooden cut-out with a little heart in the location of Chicago both which I will treasure for how personal they were.

Butch and April continue to treat me kindly despite how much I am intruding in their lives. Especially this week with the addition of Sean and Rose. I will always be grateful and only hope I can reciprocate some day. Only a few more weeks left here so the end is in sight for them. :)

As this day comes to a close, I hope all the people out there that I love enjoyed a special day with their families. And I end with the message to love and cherish the time you have with them.

Friday, December 19. 2014

The work count down has begun - including today I have only seven more days of work, which in the scheme of things seems unbelievable. I don't actually fly out until the 01/17 which is 29 days from today. I am planning to take another load of household stuff to the PTO Thrift shop tomorrow (hoping they will be open) and will do a final purge after Christmas. I still have to pack up the stuff I am sending to Hawaii as well (the room I am sleeping in is full of half packed boxes that I have to skirt around to get to the bed).

I am unsure of how to handle Dad's request to go to the bank to get a safe deposit box. He doesn't look like he is mobile enough or has the strength needed to travel by car using a walker and I think just getting in and out of the car seat is going to be a real issue despite his assertion that he can do it. It is also evident from his dismissive attitude towards me that I no longer have any value to him because I am leaving. Not that I expect some gratitude or love to be displayed anyway...

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I am in a funk today. I am trying hard not to get too invested in Dad's care but it is difficult to turn my back. I recognize that there are professionals out there that can evaluate his health and financial situation and offer alternatives but he has become his own worse friend in moving forward. Additionally it seems like he needs to hear it from someone he trusts and respects that is not a family member. On another note, I am extremely grateful to Butch and April for giving me an interim place to stay but I worry that I am creating extra stress in their lives and in the life of Celina. I sometimes feel like I am in the way and I recognize that I am invading their space and disrupting their routines. To quote Ben Franklin, "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days."

Monday, December 8, 2014

I submitted my resignation today - my last day of work is January 9. As I check off the things needed to finalize moving (selling the house, buying a plane ticket and resigning from work, to name a few), I find that I am finally excited about leaving. It will be such a relief to be with Michael again.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

I just bought a one-way ticket to paradise and am leaving in 41 days. I moved a bunch of stuff this morning from the basement at Butch's to start sorting through and packing for shipment. I've discovered cleaning can be dangerous. I got a splinter in one of my fingers scrubbing shelves about ten days ago and pulled the splinter out but it ended up getting infected (I think from being in dirty soapy water from scrubbing the floors and shelves). I went to see the "doc" yesterday and he put me on antibiotics.

And lest I forget - let's honor the men and women that died on the December 7th attack on Pearl Harbor.

Friday, December 5, 2014

I've cleared the biggest hurdle. As of yesterday afternoon the Chesterfield house is officially no longer Michael's and my property. Saying goodbye was harder than I thought it would be but the sense of relief I felt when I walked out of American Title yesterday was palatable. There is still a lot to do before the final move in January but I at least feel it's more within my control. The next big job is getting rid of the large pile of stuff I moved into my brother's basement.

Soon, Michael, soon...

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Dare I hope? Radon reading is at 0.6.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Even as I clear out belongings from the Chesterfield house, my home for 30 plus years, I am still not believing the sale is really going to happen. I've been disappointed so many times that I keep waiting for a phone call telling me that the deal has fallen through. Having an actual closing date will ease some of my skepticism but I am not going to feel a sense of relief until the paperwork is signed.

I am finding myself feeling a bit melancholy - I found myself tearing up in the car today as I ran a few errands. I miss Michael and I miss Mom. That said though, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for. I am looking forward to seeing Sean tomorrow and appreciate him coming to help me with the move. And I appreciate Butch and April sharing their home with me over the next month. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Oh, and I am thankful to Henderson Glass - they just called to tell me my back door storm window is ready to be picked up. To be on the safe side, I think I will wait until after we get things moved on Saturday to install it.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Yesterday I had thirty plus years of accumulated "junk" hauled away and in the process the guys broke a storm window that I now need to get fixed. Today, I am literally in a cloud of concrete dust after the guys installing the radon equipment had a vacuum malfunction while drilling through the concrete floor. I was sitting in my office and suddenly noticed a fine film in the air. I am trying to keep positive about all this but it means the four hours I spent wiping down all the surfaces in the basement and mopping the floor yesterday have to be repeated. I will be so glad when this is all over. It's exhausting.

On a positive note though, the attic, garage, basement and back patio are for the most part empty. I still have to move the bike, lawn mower and a few other items but not much more. I've started packing up the upstairs and plan to have that done by Friday night in time for the U-Haul truck on Saturday. I still need to figure out what to do with the bed in Sean's old room but think for now I will just take it apart and take it to Butch's. Sorry Butch and April, I promise to get rid of everything that's coming to your house before I leave for Hawaii. Really, I promise! And Michael, if you are reading this - you owe me BIG time. Um, let's make that bigger than BIG!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Half of my heart is in Hawaii. Lonely days, lonely nights...

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Despite the sadness, frustration and stress that life has thrown my way this year, I remind myself how fortunate I am to have a wonderful husband, son and siblings. And I hope that they never feel I am taking any of them for granted because I love and value them more than words can express.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

I have the best brother in the world. He came over at 8:30pm tonight and pulled all the old carpeting out of my attic and then spent time kneeling on the icy driveway cutting the carpet into strips to make it easier for me to dispose of it. Did I mention it was only 27 degrees and he didn't have gloves on? And that it was dark outside. I don't know what I would do without him or how I will ever thank him. Bill from Michigan Mold is coming back tomorrow to check on the attic in response to the results of the last home inspection. He told me he doesn't think it is mold based on the photos from the inspection so this could get interesting.

I also set up an appointment to have the radon issue in the basement addressed. Compliance Inc. (got to love the name) comes out on the Monday before Thanksgiving to do their thing.

And other news is that Dad came home from rehab today. Donna has already reported that he immediately went back to his potato chips and donuts. Oh me, oh my...

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Butch, April, Sean and I went to North Carolina this weekend to bury Mom. It was a wonderfully peaceful send-off. Joe did a stellar job planning and taking care of all the minute details and it was heartwarming to see her brothers there with their families. It feels good to know she is finally home with her family. It never would have felt right for her to have been buried in Michigan. I love you Mom and will miss you forever...

Thursday, November 5, 2014

I think this might be the worst year of my life. Just sayin...

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween! Just arrived at work after visiting Dad this morning and having lunch with my brother. It is pretty evident Dad will probably not be released from the Village next week. And it is unclear if going home is an option when he is released. Although my brother did bring up a point - can he legally be held there? He is not an easy person to help as he really doesn't seem to trust anyone enough to let them handle his financial matters, which I actually understand but it doesn't make it easier.

I am holding off on doing a happy dance regarding the sale of the house. We have an offer pending the inspection which didn't turn out all that well for us the last go round. Keeping both fingers and toes crossed on this...

We leave for North Carolina on Friday to say a final farewell and put Mom to rest with her family. I am glad that we are able to do this one last thing for her. She didn't always have a good life, sacrificed a lot for her children and really deserved to be treated better by Dad.

I have been listening to a bunch of mixed CDs in the car that I made years ago and it's been fun hearing songs I haven't listened to in a long time. I find myself turning up the volume and even singing along... :)

Thursday, October 23, 2014

First sign of winter for me - I had to scrape the ice off my car windows this morning.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

By the way, I am actually doing okay. There is something cathartic about writing it all out even if nothing is resolved. And I am lucky I have a brother and sister-in- law that live close by that put up with me. I must admit though I really miss Michael. The house feels like an empty shell without him. And so do I.... He's been my constant companion and lover for so many years. (Although I must say the basement is less scary at night now that it has been partially emptied out.)

Forever Autumn

The summer sun is fading as the year grows old, and darker days are drawing near. The winter winds will be much colder, now you're not here.

I watch the birds fly south across the Autumn sky, and one by one they disappear. I wish that I was flying with them, now you're not here.

Like the sun through the trees you came to love me, like a leaf on a breeze you blew away. Through Autumns golden gown we used to kick our way. You always loved this time of year. Those fallen leaves lie undisturbed now, cause youre not here.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Worry... Oh, worry, worry, worry, worry, sometimes I swear it feels like this worry is my only friend.

Worry #1 - I am not sure if time is my friend or foe. And I suppose I am hoping for some kind of miracle to happen regarding the sale of the house. I got one bid on the attic issue and have another company coming out on Monday to provide an estimate. A family friend came by today and went through the house inspection summary report with me and it hit me that the issues with the house can be addressed (or ignored), it's more about finding the right buyer. And I just wish that would happen sooner rather than later. He did say something that made me wish we had addressed some of the problems earlier because he knows handymen with the right skill sets (and price range) but they are not licensed. And now we need someone who is licensed for some of the needed work (like the electrical) in the event we are asked for certification.

Worry #2 - I do not know how to best help my dad. I wish I lived closer (that's a lie, I wish he was in a facility that was closer to where I am) so that just dropping in to check on him or talking to the health care providers about his status would be easier and quicker. He has these moments of lucidity and then a few moments later will say something that makes you realize his mind is drifting. What to do, what to do...

Worry #3 - Work has become a frickin' nightmare. With retirement from this job hinging on the sale of the house, it's really hard to feel vested in my job plus I feel like my boss and co-workers treat me differently because they know I'm not there for the long haul (but maybe that's my own paranoia). We are in the last week of prep for a conference that starts Sunday (Oct 26) so things are crazy busy, lots a long hours, frayed nerves, and pressure. I am hoping things ease up a little after the conference (12 days from now).

Worry #4 - A minor irritation but my checking account has been compromised. Someone used my debit card number to make purchases (I think on-line), I filed a report with the bank and cancelled my card but transactions continue to post to my account (two weeks later). I am tired of having to call the fraud department at the bank to file claims each time another transaction hits my account. Its both time-consuming and frustrating and it makes me realize how vulnerable we all are to all the cyber crooks out there that are just looking for an opportunity to screw someone. I am considering whether it might be a good idea to close my account.

Oh, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, feels like every time I get back on my feet she come around and knocks me down again.

Friday, October 10, 2014

I literally feel sick to my stomach. The prospective buyer is walking away due to the house inspection results. It could be a long cold winter.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

I find myself wishing that something really good would happen in my life. I just want to catch a break. It is going to be really disappointing if the house sale doesn't happen because of the attic issues. And Dad being in the hospital is just the icing on the cake. Feeling down and cranky and I don't know how much more of this I can take...

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Michael's sister and niece visited him yesterday and they talked about his brother's negative feelings towards Michael for his mother's decision to pass the house on to him. Nanu had her reasons for the actions she took - it's unfortunate though that she did not communicate to them why she made that particular decision. And I suppose that there is certain amount of irony in that she did talk to me about her intentions one afternoon while we were visiting. She told me that she felt like she had already provided for her other children - she had given each of Michael's half-siblings funds over the years and the antiques from her marriage to their father. But more importantly she told me that the house was part of Keith's legacy and that it should be passed on to his son.

It makes me sad though to hear how Michael's brother feels because I think Michael really wanted to develop a relationship with him. And I sincerely hope that his brother's feeling don't influence other family members. Ah, family...

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I spoke to Michael last night and got a sense of what happens when you leave a life behind and step out of your comfort zone. I'd like to think that it isn't just the change in venue, that I am part of his comfort zone and not having me there with him adds to the disquiet he is experiencing. But the truth is that he had doubts before he left and there is the possibility that the original five-year plan that eventually turned into the twenty-year plan didn't take into account how overwhelming it is to leave behind family, friends, and the house and community that was home for so many years. But sometimes we have to take the riskier and often uncomfortable paths in life and open ourselves to change. I am grateful though that the sound of Michael's voice is just a phone call away. It is part of my new comfort zone..

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Two more hours... last minute repacking happening. It's hard to believe Michael is leaving.

Monday, September 29, 2014

The countdown has begun. Less than six days and Michael will be gone.

So kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me, hold me like you'll never let me go.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Sometimes I wish I could sit with my mother one last time and do something as simple as flipping through a catalog or magazine picking out which purse or pair of shoes we like best. A single moment of the ordinary...

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Time of reflection...

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Michael and I spent a nice weekend in Saugatuck and it was hard to ignore that it was likely our last trip to Lake Michigan. I wish the weather had been nicer but I do get that it is late September. Friday was sunny but cool and we did manage to get a few hours at the beach and it was nice enough to sit out by the dock for dinner at the Mermaid. Saturday the weather took a turn for the worse but things calmed down in the evening and we were rewarded with a beautiful sunset. There seems to be a lot of lasts in our lives lately. The word bittersweet keeps coming to mind. But I look forward to the next page of our lives together. And I am always looking for the happy ending....

Thursday, September, 18, 2014

It's funny how (yes, I am on a roll) I cannot get that damn Beatles song about turning 64 out of my mind. And I was wide awake at 4:45am this morning having a mild panic attack about this moving business we have going on at our house. It's funny how (I am still on a roll) easy it is to get obsessed about something that in the light of day isn't all that major. I am looking forward to a nice dinner out tonight with family and a glass of something alcoholic.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Hah - it's funny how my last two posts started with it's funny how....

Sunday, September 14, 2014

It's funny how much kind words from others can mean. I received two cards this week - one from my sister and one from one of Sean's friends (from high school). And both were really touching to me.

My sister's comments had to do with my mother, I know she liked having you with her. It must be hard for you and I'm glad you were with her to the end. I'm glad I was with her to the end too. I really think it was hard for her to let go of life and I can't help but think how scary it all was when it first happened and she seemed to have some awareness of what had happened but no clear way to communicate. I really miss spending time with her. We were comfortable with each other and she always made me smile.

And then from Sean's friend - For Sugar, who has always been welcoming and kind to a guy who has never really learned to stop being awkward since he first showed up at your house. I really appreciate your easy going nature and your subtle sarcasm and dry humor. It always took me a second to realize you were making fun... There is not much I can add to his comments.

Monday, September 8, 2014

It's funny how knowing that you are going to be away from someone that you love for an as yet undetermined amount of time affects your every day encounters with that person. I find myself watching Michael and trying to capture as many images of him as I can in my mind and heart. Every look and touch has taken on a new significance that I can only imagine will heighten as his time for departure draws nearer. Our lives have taken on a surreal and bittersweet quality. Sometimes I feel like I have things under control but I am not looking forward to saying this particular goodbye. Life has shown me that you never know what's around the next corner. This separation, even though it is temporary, will be difficult for me.

Friday, September 5, 2014

We are diligently trying to get all of our ducks in a row but it's hard not to second guess every decision made. I like to think that given what we know and what can be controlled, that what we are doing is right. What would Yoda say? What, doing is right, are we...

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

First off happy birthday, Dad...

I may not survive this move. It's getting ugly and I suck. Just shoot me now.

Monday, September 1, 2014

The stress of trying to pack and sell the house is palpable. Michael seems to be at a breaking point with the realization that he is leaving in less than five weeks. So much to do, so little time... It doesn't help that we haven't had any offers yet on the house which could lead to Michael and I balancing finances carefully as we support two households thousands of miles apart on limited income for an extended time. Something we are hoping doesn't happen. I am still optimistic though that things will eventually work out. Any endeavor like this is going to have some hiccups and we just have to keep our eyes on the endgame and make adjustments to the "plan" as things unfold. Coach Dove, we can do this!

Monday, August 25, 2014

All about saying goodbye....

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear. Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near. Someday you'll say that word and I will cry. It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye.

Two plus weeks have passed since Mom's death and I feel like I am finally starting to get my energy back. What's been surprising to me is that I can't shake the image of her in the hospital after her cranial bleed followed by the image of her no longer alive at Angela Hospice and hope that eventually I will start remembering her as the living and breathing person she was to me for so many years. I was looking at greeting cards yesterday and ran across some mother type cards and suddenly felt overcome with emotion. I don't think you ever get past the loss of your mother, you just get used to it.

Sean and Rose were in Ann Arbor Friday-Sunday. As always it was just nice having them nearby. And not to get even more melancholy, there was that realization that the new reality will be seeing them once a year (or even less frequently) once we move. Being a parent is tough. Sigh.... Note to self - must budget travel in annual budget.

Bern returned to Alaska on Saturday after a two week stay. He seemed more subdued (dare I say mellow?). It was nice spending some time with him. I had thoughts though that it might be the last time I ever see him.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

I return to work tomorrow. I realize it is for the best and it is what Mom would want me to do, to get on with my life. But it is hard after being away for so long. We are all grieving in our own way. I found it unsettling to be at my parent's house yesterday and realize I would never sit on the front porch with her ever again. And as her room gets cleaned out, it's as though the little reminders of her are gone too. But I have all my wonderful memories to carry me through. Love you Mom...

Thursday, August 14, 2014

This is for you Michael. Thank you so much for being here for me.

Just an hour and we'll be home with my family that I chose. You're my family. And on the pavement still gripping the phone, you came and wrapped your arms around my soul. and we were shaking and you're so much a part of me. And so this is why I'm here.

When we called you, you came so fast and sat beside me while hours and days past. I'll always thank you for that. And there you were with your heart made of gold. [Azure Ray - Home]

Saturday, August 9, 2014

3:10am - I am exhausted but cannot sleep and just keep replaying yesterday's events over and over again in my head. There is this deep ache in my heart that I suspect will be here for a long time...

9:30pm - Watching my much loved mother die yesterday was very difficult. She was a wonderful woman and I hope I am able to keep my memories of her alive. Her random observations and often humorous remarks never failed to bring a smile to my face. I grew up with one golden rule - when asking permission to do something, she always responded "I don't care what you do as long as you don't hurt anyone." It always made me think twice about what I was doing because it put the responsibility for the consequences of my actions on me. A pretty smart mothering technique... She sacrificed a lot for her kids, often acting as a buffer between us and Dad. And for as mild mannered as she often was, she became a fighter when it came to us. I remember her going to Tripler Hospital when Butch lost a tooth and demanding treatment for him because she had read that teeth can sometimes be replanted. She was curious and knew a lot about many different things. She was an avid reader of medical books and loved to browse through atlases and road maps plotting her next trip. And she knew the lyrics to several more songs than me.

But she was also married to a man that I suppose loved her in his own way but constantly belittled her. And especially in later years as we became adults, this made us all the more protective of her. Because of his military career she was often left alone to raise us with little money or resources. I could go on and on about this remarkable woman but the bottom line is that her death is going to leave a great void in my heart. Mom, I will miss you.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Mom was transferred to the Angela Hospice Care Center on Newburgh Road yesterday. I am really impressed by their facility - it's a very calm and supportive environment. I don't know how much time she has left but she seems to be resting peacefully. I can't help but wonder though what if anything is going on inside her head. Is she aware of anything external at this point? Does she dream?

And I finally exhaled today... I feel like I have been holding my breath since this happened. Mom is in a good place. And my doctor extended my return to work date to August 18 which is a huge relief. Being able to put my job on hold for another week takes a lot of the stress away. Unfortunately, short term disability only pays 60% of my salary but it is something. Michael is handling putting our house on the market so things are progressing. I am so appreciative that he has taken on this huge task because I know it is difficult. And by the way Joe has stepped in as my chauffeur which has been a great relief. Thank you, thank you....

Sunday, August 3, 3014

I've avoided the topic of my mother because it's easier to not try to articulate what I have been feeling. This weekend has given me a little more time to reflect though and I find myself incredibly sad and frustrated. The reasons for my sadness are obvious but I'm not able yet to put anything in writing. My frustration comes from not feeling informed enough about what options are available regarding Mom's care going forward and my own natural inclination to second guess decisions. It feels like hospice is being forced on the family as the only option and while I can accept that it may be the correct course it would ease my mind to have someone explain to me what happens if we don't go with hospice. I believe this is the role of the hospital social worker but the woman assigned to Mom's floor does not seem very helpful or compassionate. I am hoping I can talk again to the person (Jennifer B) that has come by Mom's room a few times from Long Term Care of Michigan because she seemed to be both informed and caring. Also I am finding it disconcerting at times to feel like I am on the hot seat. It's clear Dad needs to be given direction but at the same time feel like he is in control which is taking some hand holding. And Kathy is challenging the cost of hospice based on what co-workers have told her and her own experience with Pearl and I find myself without an answer. At the same time though I am incredibly grateful for my siblings. This has been a family effort...

Add to this pressures about all that is needed to put the house on the market (which thankfully Michael has taken the lead on), trying to sort through years of possessions, boxing up what's being mailed to Hawaii, getting rid of stuff, etc. And then there is my job and an upcoming major conference, which after three weeks of not being there, I feel completely disconnected from. There is a part of me that just wants to say I surrender...

Friday, August 1, 2014

I just had a much needed dinner out with Michael, Joe, Butch, and Celina at Paesano's. Lots of laughs and letting go after my surgery last week but more importantly the very sad news regarding mom. And it was also a celebration of life after work as Michael begins his retirement. Thank you, thank you all for being part of my life. I love you all.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Kathy left early this morning. She was here for the weekend to visit the parents. It was good to see her but I felt badly because I suspect I wasn't very good company. I am sure however that Mom and Dad were really happy to see her. Mom especially seems to like a break in her routine and I suspect Kathy is a lot more energetic than I am when I visit her. I am doing well enough. I've cut down on the pain meds. I must admit my natural inclination would be to not take anything and tough it out for as long as I can but I guess the key to pain management is to ward off the pain not wait until it's taken it's hold, which makes sense.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Will I ever do a sit up again?

Friday, July 25, 2014

I am trying to find the right balance on pain meds. I am toughing it out today on Motrin - decided to wait till I go to bed to take the "hard" stuff. Still feeling a whole lot of hurt but head is clearer and I'm not nauseous which is a plus. There is one spot that really hurts (sharp burning pain) so of course I am freaking that I pulled a stitch out in some lower layer. Michael is feeling mega stress which unfortunately makes me feel more stressed. On top of not knowing how to best help me he went and talked to a real estate agent today so is going through a big period of second guessing. I feel so guilty about becoming a burden to him at such a critical time.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

I must say that while I am glad to have the surgery behind me I am hurting. And I must be clenching my teeth a lot because my mouth is sore. I'm apparently tense with pain. Michael rubbed my feet last night and it was the first time I felt my body relax. I am taking a drug that is a generic for Nocor that makes me a little nauseous and gives me a headache but does help me sleep. I am going to take it for at least one more day than switch to Motrin to see how that goes. Emilie (used to work at I2) came by this afternoon and was a really nice distraction. Looks like I will be out next week.

Saturday, July 12, 2014 Happy Birthday Celina!

Friday, July 11, 2014

I have been fairly calm lately despite all that is going on with my family, the house and work but the addition of this surgery and the recovery time needed is causing me a great deal of angst. I was wide awake at 4:30am this morning thinking about how much more difficult getting the house sale-ready and getting things sorted and packed for the move is going to be if I can't lift anything. I finally got out of bed at 5:30am and walked for a couple of miles hoping to clear my head. Must not panic...

Thursday, July 10, 2014

My surgery is scheduled for July 22 and I feel kind of nervous about it even though it isn't supposed to be a huge deal. I have a pre-surgery appointment next week on Thursday so should learn more then. I also found out today that the company I work for is moving out of the office building it's currently in. I am so far out of the work rumor mill, I think I am the last person in the office to find out. Michael has been busy doing house projects all week. He's gotten a lot accomplished. Nice job, Dove!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Oh dear, I had an appointment with a general surgeon this morning and discovered I have two umbilical hernias, not one. Well, that certainly explains why my six pack abs are so well hidden (wink, wink...) and I have the biggest ugliest belly button ever. I am hoping to have surgery soon - the scheduler is supposed to call me over the next few days to set something up. I should do belly button selfie before and after pictures.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

I spoke to Dad's visiting nurse this morning and she plans to talk to his doctor about having a social worker come out to talk to him about assisted living. It reminds me that as frustrating as he is, he does have mental issues including dementia that need to be taken into account when dealing with him. And quite frankly, what's happening to him is what he fears the most - losing his competency and control. And I can understand him trying to hang on as long as he can. But as his kids, I think we have a hard time dealing with him because of his past treatment of Mom and of us growing up. The guy we call Dad was a real asshole most of the time and still can be. And I must admit feeling disappointed by him so many times as an adult that despite trying my best to be kind in my dealings with him currently there is always this little seed of resentment in the back of my heart. It's a tough way to feel...

Monday, July 7, 2014

Today is Sean's 35th birthday and for some reason it seems hard to believe he is that old. It makes me realize how children, despite achieving adult status, are still our "kids." And I count my blessing everyday that Sean is a good kind person. And here's hoping he has a good birthday. Oh, and did I say I really love this guy...

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I love early morning walks when the neighborhood is just waking up. The dawn chorus of birds fills the air with sound (something I've always enjoyed waking up to). Unfortunately, I could also hear the drone of traffic from the expressway despite it being at least a mile away. A storm passed through a few hours before I went out this morning so the air felt fresh and cool - a big relief after the hot humid past few days we have been having. Lots of downed tree branches and upturned garbage cans also.

I am working from home until 11am then heading to my parents. I am mentally prepared for a long stressful day...

Monday, June 30. 2014

This past weekend was pretty uneventful. Michael and I immersed ourselves in weeding and other fun yard work on Saturday and I must admit overall the yard is looking good. Michael's done a really nice job in the front yard especially. I don't think it's ever looked better. I tried to catch up on housework Sunday morning and took down the storms in the kitchen and dining room, washed a few windows, etc. We have a growing pile of give-away stuff I need to find homes for that includes a lot of Michael's art supplies, which has to be difficult for him to part with.

April is in the hospital - she had knee replacement surgery on Friday and is in a lot of pain and discomfort. My heart goes out to her but hopefully once she recovers from the surgery and has the pain under control, her life will improve. I believe she may be released from the hospital today. I've said this before but she is lucky to have two wonderfully supportive family members to assist her until she is back on her feet again.

Dad called on Sunday looking for someone to take Mom grocery shopping. I spoke to Donna about it and it turns out what he wanted was someone to get him diet coke. I picked up a few bottles when I went shopping Friday night that I'll take over tomorrow when I go. We are going (or should I say the plan is) to go to an Eldercare workshop. I am trying not to get my hopes up but it would be a great relief if it resulted in Dad and Mom finally getting at least power of attorney paperwork filled out.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Every once in a while I am reminded that to others Dad is not a man that bullied his wife and kids for years but a respected community member. These are a few portions of two messages I received from someone he's worked with at the Senior Alliance. This sounds crazy but he actually sounds like a man I'd like to know if ever given the chance.

From a message today: your father is a special person for sure and I love to hear him laugh, his blue eyes light up and you can see he was once a real character.

From a message yesterday: It was good to speak to you yesterday. I want you to know that your father is an amazing man. He has been with our agency (TSA) Board of Directors and has participated in so many committees for many years. Your father continues to be a very important part of our agency, he is dedicated to service and has always been very involved with our growth as an agency.

It worries me that your father has had some issues with his health since this past fall season. With the winter being such a bad time for both your parents. It took some discussion with your father for me to get him to resign as vice board chair to become a board member at large, this relieved him of some of his former duties, keeping him still involved with a little less time commitment and responsibility. I had this discussion with your father not for the agency but because I was concerned about your father and the time he continues to dedicate to participating in all these meetings even when he is not feeling well. I felt the need for him to shift his priority and to begin concentrating on his own health and your mom as a priority. As you know your father worries a lot about all his commitments.

I have no idea just how many committees he is currently serving on both with our agency and with the Office of Service to the aged. It may be time for a family intervention. It might be time for your dad to review his committees and see if he can step aside from the ones that have the most time commitments. I don’t like your father stressing out about a meeting he can’t make because of his health. Maybe the financial committee, your father of course knows best what committees require the most of his time. I know he wants to stay active and we need him to stay active. Maybe you can get him to think about his committees there might even be one he doesn’t like, he could use this time to suspend his activity until his health is better. I too only want what is best for your dad. He has been my mentor, he has taught me so much and continues to do so. As I said before your father is an amazing man. He of course does not have to give up anything this is just a thought I had yesterday after his call to me. He was again concerned about a meeting this week and how much we all depend on him.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Sometimes it feels like my life is being consumed by my parents issues. The visiting nurse showed up at their house today and left without accomplishing what she needed to accomplish. She didn't feel Dad was competent enough to sign the needed paperwork. He claimed he didn't know where his pills were. And there needed to be someone there that she could train on how to treat his wound (which we could have arranged if we had known she was going to be there). Sadly there isn't any good resolution to what's been going on and Dad's pattern of sarcastic nasty behavior will continue. Okay, I solemnly swear that the next time I witness or am on the receiving end of his bad behavior, I will call him on it. I hope Sean never has to endure any of this with Michael and I. Amen.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I am strangely calm for someone who has just spent three days in the constant company of Dad, Mom or both of them. Or maybe I am just resigned. Hard to tell. And today was a whopper of a day. It started off with me getting lost in downtown Plymouth to the point that even if I recognized a street's name I didn't know whether to turn right or left. I was looking for Plymouth Road with the intent of going to the Redford Township Community Center (between Beech and Inkster off of Plymouth) to pick up some paperwork for Dad from the Eldercare Office. I ended up driving about eight additional miles in a confused daze before returning to M14 on Sheldon Road and taking 275 to Ann Arbor Trail to Plymouth Road. And the funny part is once I got to the center I was told that I would need to bring Dad back for their Tuesday legal seminar to get the paperwork. This was after being assured by Betty (Dad's friend) that everyone in the office knew Dad and I would have no problem picking up what he wanted. When I delivered this news to Dad he actually got a bit snarky with me and there was a part of me that wanted to tell him to stop being such a jerk because I was just trying to help him but instead I kept my mouth shut and remained "strangely calm." Then Mom decided she needed some things at the store. I had a hankering for an Arby's roast beef sandwich with Arby's sauce and mentioned stopping there and she agreed but then as we got closer to the restaurant she said she really doesn't like to go to Arby's anymore since hearing a news story about someone slicing off part of their hand while slicing the roast beef. We ended up at the Coney Island in front of Walmart instead and we both got breakfast food. By now it was pouring rain. I told Mom to wait in the restaurant while I ran out to the car to get an umbrella but in true Mom fashion she followed me to car so we both ended up getting soaked. We stopped at the bank after lunch and Mom announced she really had to use the restroom. And that's how we ended up at Walmart instead of Petco and Value Center. We did our shopping and when we got back to the house, as I was saying my goodbyes Dad got that pouty face he gets when he wants you to do something and that's how I ended up at CVS with a handful of prescriptions. As luck would have it, I was told the prescriptions wouldn't be ready until 5pm so I ended up calling Donna to ask her to pick them up. Oh and when I pulled into CVS I ran over this badly placed curb/sidewalk thingy at the entrance to the parking lot much to the amusement of a couple of people passing by who said something like, "Girl, we seen what you did, hope you didn't wreck you car." Yeah, me too.

Monday, June 23, 2014

So I had this suspicion about the Honda dealership that was really far fetched. It was based on an odd coincidence that happened involving the engine lights on both Michael and my cars. We both went in for an oil change and had the engine light come on a few days later. Coincidence or... As it turned out with my car, the engine light went out this morning after I took off the gas cap and screwed it back on (a fix suggested on the Internet). I'll be interested to see if it comes back on again but for now I am just glad it went out. Thank you Google...

Celina had a very nice open house on Saturday to celebrate both her graduation and acceptance into college. I made her a money lei which I think turned out quite well. I also made her a flipagram of photos from her birth to the present.

April is having knee surgery on Friday so I am thinking good thoughts for her in hopes that all goes smoothly and it brings her some relief. It sounds like she will have good home care with Celina still home to keep on eye on things for her (oh yeah, and Butch too).

Butch and I visited Mom and Dad yesterday only to discover Dad had driven himself to the ER at Botsford because of a weeping wound on his leg. They ended up admitting him because of concerns about his heart. I am at the hospital now - not sure how long they will be keeping him but his ability to care for himself at home seems to be a frequent line of inquiry. Sigh...

Friday, June 20, 2014

Just thinking out loud here... I am toying with the idea of doing a project using photos and words called The Last Mile. The phrase is not original but I like the way the words sound and how they can have so many meanings. I've heard it used at work to refer to the final leg of the network delivering connectivity to say a university. I am thinking more in terms of something less tangible - like how you respond emotionally to the end of something as you move on to something new. It would be interesting to try to express this in words and pictures. Of course, I guess there is also The First Mile to consider. Just thinking...

Thursday, June 19. 2014

Despite not working on Monday it feels like this week is just dragging on. And I need to make or get Celina a graduation card and I am not feeling inspired. I want it to say something meaningful and nothing is working for me. It just seems like I should be better at this. There has always been a frustrated writer in me - I can't seem to put down on paper what is in my mind. And I am always a bit envious of people like Michael and Sean for being able to conceptualize something and then actually make it happen on paper, canvas, etc. or in Sean's case on the computer screen. And on top of it all I suck at sports. I should just use a sharpie to draw a big "L" on my forehead. Ah.... just kidding around but geez.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I had a filling redone this morning and my mouth is sore now that the novocain (or whatever the heck dentists use these days) has worn off. And I keep accidently biting the inside of my lower lip. I had a nice chat though with Dr. Kennedy and bragged a little about Sean's kickstarter book. It sounded like he is genuinely interested in a copy. I offered to give him one but he insists he'd prefer to support Sean by purchasing one on his own so I need to let him know how once they are available.

A big storm just hit and it's really dark, windy and rainy. The lights have been flickering so it will not surprise me if we lose power. I am still at work so it could make for an interesting drive home. And of course my umbrella is in the car so I can expect a good soaking as well.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

I am watching Michael struggling to get through his last six weeks of work and must admit that I think I get his general malaise (not sure if that is the appropriate word) towards his job. Going to the restaurant for him at this point - well, it seems pointless. I don't have a quitting date yet for myself but I have seen a shift in my attitude as well. I am doing the work but just don't feel all that vested in it.

We are both I think afraid of the uncertainty but also looking forward to what lies ahead of us. I am trying to stay positive but there is a lot to think about and do. Hopefully a year from now we will be looking back and saying "well, that wasn't so bad" as we sip our drinks on a restaurant lanai in the glow of a few tiki torches.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Lazy day off but I did manage to get some errands done including helping Michael drop off and pick up his car from Germaine Honda, going to the bank, going to Batteries Plus to get two watches new batteries, and grocery shopping. I have a mammogram tomorrow morning before heading back to work. I currently have a bunch of home projects I am working on related to moving plus two photo books I am trying to finish so busy, busy, busy.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Michael and I enjoyed a beautiful weekend in Saugatuck celebrating our 42nd wedding anniversary. When we arrived on Friday we drove by the house we stayed at last year for my birthday and discovered that John and Joanie where there working on the apartment above the garage/workshop so we visited with them for awhile. The apartment is a nice simple two bedroom space with lots of Ikea furniture and cabinetry. After checking in at the Beachway, we went to Oval Beach. It was a bit cool and breezy but by late afternoon the wind started to die down and it was really pleasant. We had an excellent dinner at the Wild Dog in Douglas. And I will admit wishing I had stopped after the first Long Island. Saturday we spent the entire day at the beach - initially it was a bit cool but once the temps hit the 70's it turned into the perfect beach day. We ate dinner at the Mermaid in Saugatuck. We could have done better on our dinner selections (we both selected so-so seafood dishes and decided we should have stuck to something more basic like a burger or sandwich) but you can't beat sitting on the dock watching the boats go by. We did some window shopping then headed back to Oval Beach to watch the sunset. Then back to the Beachway for the night. Unfortunately we were woken up at 2:30am by the couple in the next room who had been out - they were having a pretty good time singing along to country music and talking but of course both Michael and I were annoyed by the noise and couldn't sleep. When it became evident they were not going to quiet down, Michael went down to the front desk to complain (which as it turned out was not manned in the middle of the night) and it ended up taking about 20 minutes to locate someone. The couple eventually turned down the music (but you could still hear it) and decided to have loud sex instead. Let's just say, when we got up this morning any plans to spend time at the beach were history. We were both tense, tired and grouchy. So we headed home. To Michael's credit, despite the bad night, he held it together. :)

To Michael - thank you for the last 42 years. I am looking forward to making our plans for the future a reality. I love you old man...

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Whew, my doctor says I am not due for a colonoscopy for another 5 years so I get to ignore the cheerful reminder I received last week that it was time. Although I must admit thinking it might be a dramatic way to kick start the fast-two-days-a-week diet since I seem to be obsessing lately about a few stubborn pounds I gained earlier this year that I can't seem to lose.

I realized on the drive to work this morning that I never did get my dad a Father's Day card despite spending a good 15 minutes perusing the card selection at Target last week and thinking that not one of them was appropriate for how my father treated me growing up. I couldn't find one that said despite being made to feel like I wasn't smart enough I managed to graduate from college with honors and have done okay supporting myself all these years. Yet, I still love the old guy and feel a lot of concern for his deteriorating mental and physical condition. Sigh...

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Yippee! Just a few more days and Michael and I are going to Saugatuck for the weekend to celebrate 42 years of marriage. I am keeping my fingers crossed for nice clear warm weather as I not only want to waste hours at the beach, I also want to eat and have a few drinks outside at a few of our favorite restaurants.

My youngest sister "D" called me last night and I immediately thought something had happened to either Mom or Dad but it turned out she was just in the mood to talk. I am not much of a telephone user (as in I rarely call anyone) but I really enjoyed talking to her. She has a lot going on in her life and much of it is has been difficult for her. I genuinely would like to see that trend reverse itself. She sounded cautiously optimistic about a few things that are not my place to share but could make a significant difference for her and her family. I am going to hope for the best right now for her but I also hope that regardless of how things work out, she knows that I love her and will always be here for her. I've always thought it's a shame that we grew up so guarded about our feelings.

Monday, June 9, 2014

A path well traveled... I have been walking the various trails at County Farm Park for more than 30 years. It's much more civilized these days then it was when we first moved into this neighborhood in 1982. The trails are well-groomed. A recreation center was built in 1991. The community farming areas continue to expand. The latest additions include a large play area. And for the most part, dogs are on leashes now. And yes, it attracts more people but there are still long stretches on the trails where you don't see anyone else and can be alone with your thoughts.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

I found some beautiful hanging baskets at a place on 7 Mile today and ended up buying six of them for Mom and Dad's house. And I am happy to report that Mom finally got her yellow begonia basket. If you have any notion that I am a wonderfully generous daughter I should point out that Dad paid for five of the baskets. I have a lot more fun spending other people's money apparently. It was a good weekend - I got a long walk in yesterday morning at County Farm Park, groomed the front yard planting beds and went to the roller derby last night with Michael, Butch, April, and Celina. The Pistoffs lost (dammit). We stopped at a barbecue place called Slows after the derby which I enjoyed. Although I must admit finding it really hard to sleep after eating so late. Just call me lead belly. I remember thinking at midnight I will never eat again....

Friday, June 6, 2014

This month seems to be full of appointments. I had both a dental cleaning appointment (uneventful) and a hair appointment (more on later) yesterday. Monday morning, I have an appointment at Merrill Lynch to discuss how to make our retirement savings last until we both keel over. Hopefully the conclusion is not me working until I am 70 or one of us killing off the other for the insurance money (which I must say is not enough to murder for). On the 17th, I have a mammogram (always a pleasant experience). Then back to the dentist on the 19th to have a filling replaced (back molar so I expect some discomfort). And then to round out the month, on the 27th I have my annual physical which I am sure includes a pap smear. A girl has to have some fun.

You know how there are moments when you think you should say something but don't want to sound unkind or rude? One of those happened last night at the hair salon. I have been going to the same guy for years to have my hair cut and colored. He's an owner of the salon and always does a great job on my hair. I watched him use a towel to wipe off the hair coloring solution that had dripped on the smock, his work station and floor. He then picked up the same towel to clean my face and I almost didn't say anything but then found myself blurting out I am not sure how I feel about you using the same towel on my face that you used on the floor. He seemed embarrassed and got a clean towel but it was a little awkward.

I am looking forward to the Roller Derby finals tomorrow night at the Masonic. Michael and I are going with Butch, April and Celina. We went to all of Shannon's bouts the first season she skated in Detroit and agreed it was a lot of fun. But then we seemed to have fizzled out so I am glad that we all decided to attend this one.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

We hope that your previous visit to our office was a pleasant experience and we look forward to seeing you in the near future. (in a letter advising me that I am due for a Colonoscopy) Really?

I woke up this morning thinking about something I wanted to say in this space and for the life of me I have no idea what it is. Michael has been on my mind a lot lately - perhaps because we have an anniversary coming up but more so because he's such a big part of my life and we are embarking on some life changing endeavors in the near future. He said something a few days ago though that rings true with me as well. He was talking about how much he loves Michigan this time of the year, how green everything is and how much he will miss the long bicycle rides on roads with little traffic and paddling on the river. And he's correct - there is so much about Michigan that really is right. But then I remind myself about how easy it is to love it here when you are able to spend a lot of time outside and how it's not so great when you are stuck inside for months. I suppose though there are always trade-offs because even a place like Hawaii has a lot of drawbacks despite the great weather. The traffic and high prices just to name a few. And finding a Friday night drinking spot...

Monday, June 2, 2014

This weekend's weather was spectacular. Friday evening Michael and I enjoyed a nice dinner on the outside patio at the Sidetrack where Michael drank the biggest beer ever.

Saturday, Butch, Celina and I visited Mom and Dad. We went to Leon's for lunch and then stopped at the Dollar General for cat food. I must admit it is hard to see how much Dad has deteriorated. Unlike Mom who seems to plateau for a while after a major health issue, Dad is on a downhill course. I am particularly worried about his mental state. He seems confused and has lost track of his finances. Bills are getting paid late, etc.

Saturday evening we had a relaxing KFC dinner on our side porch with Butch, April and Celina. I can certainly see the allure of take-out food - other than the time to pick up the food it's pretty simple. No prep and minimal clean-up. Mmm... Chinese next week?

Sunday, Michael and I went to Gallup Park to paddle board. Being on the water is is really relaxing and it is always nice to reconnect and spend downtime with Michael. It is hard to believe that in less than two weeks we will be celebrating 42 years of marriage. We decided to splurge a little and go to Saugatuck (realizing it will probably be the the last time we spend our anniversary there). I am praying for warm weather this trip. As much as I love sitting at the beach, it's always much nicer when you are not huddled under a towel with a jacket on trying to keep warm.

Monday, May 26, 2014

I had a very nice Memorial Day weekend. Michael and I headed to Chicago on Friday. Once there, we walked from Sean and Rose's place to Lake Michigan, stopping to take pictures of Wrigley Field on the way. I have to laugh - it felt like we walked about 10 miles but it turned out it was closer to 5. Friday night we all had dinner at a great barbecue and pizza restaurant called Big Bricks. Rose and I shared a pizza and arugula salad. If I ever eat there again, I'd like to try their burnt ends mac and cheese. Saturday, Sean drove us to Lincoln Park so we could have plate lunches at Aloha Grill - always a must and always a treat. They do a great job with their teri beef and the mac salad is spot on. Ivan, who I think is the owner, gave Michael some portuguese sausage which I thought was pretty darn nice. We also went to visit Sam and Liz's store - Toy de Jour, which was a lot of fun. They are good people and I hope their store is successful. Saturday night Rose made us a delicious dinner of enchiladas, chips and homemade guacamole. We watched a movie called the Double , which I am embarrassed to admit needed to have explained to me at the end. Sunday morning, we ate breakfast at a place called Bakin & Eggs. Undoubtedly I've gained at least 5 pounds in just a few days. :) And just to add to the weekend food gluttony, I made beachcomber ribs, coleslaw, rice and corn on the cob for dinner tonight. I took it all over to Butch & April's - all in all very relaxing. I even managed to get a few hours of gardening in as well earlier today. I am trying to get a large backyard flower bed in shape. A lot more weeding and moving plants is still needed but I'm making progress. I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow...

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I went to a memorial service for Ming's mother this morning (the mother of the co-worker I spoke of in an earlier post). The service was at a Catholic church in Ann Arbor that they were members of. I always find church services like this one interesting because it is hard not to reflect on my childhood and how much of a role Catholicism played in my upbringing. But it reinforced something I already knew about myself - I am not a believer. I rather liked the ritualistic qualities of the service and the music (am I being blasphemous?) but it didn't touch my soul in any way other than my sadness for MIng's grief at the loss of his mother. But I do recognize that for someone who relies on their faith to help them understand and get through the loss of a loved one, the church provides a great deal of comfort. It's just not for me.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I spent several hours out Mom and Dad's way yesterday. When I finally got home Jeopardy was nearly over so it was around 7:45pm. I went to CVS twice, took Mom shopping at Walmart, to lunch at Leons, and to her doctor's appointment which ended up being about 2 1/2 hours long (of which only about 30 minutes were spent with one of the health care providers so lots of waiting around). Other than a fast heart rate, everything checked out okay. They did an EKG while she was there and said there were no changes from the last EKG she had (which on the surface sounds like good news but it could also mean the EKG they are comparing this one to wasn't all that great...) She returns next Wednesday for a bone density test.

This morning I took part in a diabetes and stress study. Some of the interview questions dredged up some old incidents in my life that I fortunately have put behind me but it did make me pause a little to reflect both on how resilient most humans are and also at our ability to just get on with living our lives after something traumatic happens.

Monday, May 19, 2014

I initially intended to take only this afternoon off to take mom to her doctor's appointment but learned yesterday that Ming's mother's visitation starts at 10am this morning so decided to take the whole day off. (Yep, I sure know how to use my vacation time.) I had a fairly nice weekend. Butch and April let me tag along with them to the Eastern Market in Detroit Saturday morning and I loved it. What a wonderful mix of colors, scents, and sounds. When it warms up a little, I'd love to go back and make a day of it with lunch in the mix. And I will be sure to bring lots of cash and my own shopping bags this time. Yesterday I did a lot of digging in the yard - trying to tame Mother Nature but she definitely came out as the winner. I've decided to redo a rather large planting area in the backyard that over the years went from being a sunny location to a shady one with plants that just weren't working anymore. I even dug up a rather large rose bush that had been there for years. It had a few new shoots so rather than throw it away I gave it to April - who knows it may find many more good years in a sunny new location. Kind of like Michael and I who indeed hope to find many more years in a sunny new location...

Friday, May 16, 2014

It's funny how the mind works. I spotted some apples on the counter at work and it made me think about Snow White and how differently the story would have turned out if she didn't like apples. And this got me thinking about Eve and the forbidden fruit and how in both stories eating an apple (although I don't know if it really was an apple in the Adam & Eve story) was supposed to lead to better things. Except they were all duped and Snow White ended up in a deep sleep and Adam & Eve ended up being cast out of heaven in shame. All this for a piece of fruit.

On a sad note, one of my co-worker's mother died a few days ago. They lived together for a number of years with no other relatives in the area so this will be really life changing for him. I wish him all the best through what has to be a very difficult time...

Thursday, May 15, 2014

It's official - I am an Azure Ray fan. I bought one of their albums (Burn and Shiver) on iTunes last night. Just further evidence that I like dreamy Indie pop music with moody lyrics. (shades of my Julee Cruise obsession) We talked and the moon was bright, your words were glowing as they drifted out of sight and now the change of season sets in nothing feels just right. We fear these nights and then we compromise and the morning always comes so just rest your eyes and we'll be in love.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Jeopardy clue: I am craving KFC fried chicken with coleslaw or a Slim Jim from Big Boys. The Jeopardy answer: Why can't I lose weight.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Yesterday the tornado sirens went off as a system of storms came through southeast Michigan. I was at work at the time and we retreated to the parking garage for about 45 minutes. All was well but it made me realize how your feelings about dangerous weather are somewhat dependent on whether or not you have young children to worry about. One of my coworkers was in near panic about her daughter who was hunkered down at school. I really felt bad for her. The weather also lead to yet another cancellation of our department's year- end dinner that was supposed to happen last night. I think this is the third cancellation of what I have mentally renamed the doomsday dinner.

And some Leonard Cohen song lyrics I can't seem to get out of my head because either they are related to how I've been feeling lately or are in my head because they are on the playlist I listen to when I walk (take your pick). Like a bird on the wire, like a drunk in a midnight choir I have tried in my way to be free... Sing another song, Leonard, this one has grown old.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Mother's Day is the day that many mothers find themselves in the position of making it happen for their own mother or grandmother, something I don't have a problem with EXCEPT in cases where their own children could have/should have made the effort to take care of arranging something. I must admit personally viewing it as a Hallmark occasion but I realize that it's not my feelings about the day that matter, it's my mother's feelings that have to be considered. And I think she would be disappointed if she wasn't recognized somehow. But I did get the sense that many of the people that attended yesterday's Mother's Day get-together wanted to be somewhere else.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

When I left work today it was in the mid 80's - what a treat. Michael and I picked up fast food and headed to Gallup Park for some much needed sun time only to get harassed by an aggressive goose looking for a handout. We ended up moving to another location in the park after Michael retreated to the top of the picnic table out of fear that he was going to get attacked. I guess it is a bit hard to relax with a goose hissing at you from just a few feet away because you aren't willing to share your fries.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I had a meeting with my direct boss today and she asked me about my retirement plans so I ended up spilling the beans a bit earlier than I anticipated. I had planned on waiting until we actually put our house on the market to say anything at work about us potentially moving this year. I am hoping the house sells quickly so it doesn't get prickly.

Donna called last night to let me know Dad fell and hurt his arm and she and Jerry ended up calling EMS to take him to the Emergency Room when they were unable to get him up. They treated him and sent him home. I hope this isn't the beginning of a string of 911 calls. The irony of him having an emergency alert system does not escape me. I guess it's a good thing Mom was home to call for help. Sadly, their health is a crap shoot at this point - either one of them could have a problem at any time. Tricia was at the house today which I was glad to hear.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

It's sunny and nearly 60 degrees this afternoon making it hard to believe I had to clean slush off my car windows this morning. And some even warmer temps are in the forecast for later this week (81 predicted for Thursday but then temps are on their way down again). I called the lawn service we use this morning about all the tree seedlings that sprouted in the yard and they said a lot of people are having the same issue and planned to be out soon to spray weed killer.

I am not sure what to do about Mother's Day this weekend. From what I understand Butch is on call. I thought about trying to plan a family get-together and then reminded myself that no good deed goes unpunished. If I thought Mom really enjoyed going out for Chinese and Dad hadn't turned against the restaurant on 7 Mile, I'd suggest going there as they seemed able to accommodate large groups on Mother's Day in the past. What to do, what to do...

Friday, May 2, 2014

Birthday wishes to April who is celebrating the BIG 50 today. It amazes me that I knew her when she was a sweet young 22-23 year-old.

I am still waiting for sit on the back porch or in the yard in shorts and tank top weather but am aware that it is only the beginning of May and summer is still seven weeks away. Time keeps moving on though and I am finding it makes me a little anxious about how much needs to be done yet to prepare for a move to Hawaii. We have made some progress on clearing some things out of the house but it is a slow tedious process and the need to get to bare bones is hampered by just how much stuff is needed for day to day living while we are still here and by our own emotional attachment to many possessions. I am trying to get Sean's belongings together now (and there is a lot still stored at the house) in hopes that I can take most, if not all of it, to Chicago later this month. I am not sure when Michael plans to put the house on the market but hopefully in time to get it sold no later than September. This all makes work a bit stressful as our next huge conference is in October so August and September will be busy work times for me. It would be great to be able to retire sooner but the financial reality is I need to keep working until the house is sold. So lots of unknowns...

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Congratulations to my talented son for a successful The Last Days of Danger Kickstarter project. He made his goal of $8500 today. His dad and I could not be prouder and we look forward to seeing his book and prints. And a big thanks to my father, siblings (Burch, Kathy. Jerry & Joe) and nieces (Cat and Shannon) for supporting his project. Your backing of Sean's project means a lot. And the long awaited summer weather prediction from the old river man was revealed today. "It's going to be cool summer. It's been so cold that we are going to suffer from the lakes never warming up." Just sayin'...

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

I've always felt like a misfit. There aren't too many situations in my life where I feel like I really fit in. I certainly feel that way at my current job and sometimes with my own family. People are nice enough and a fair number of them socialize with each other regularly but I am outside of that group. I realize that much of this is my own doing and I know that I sometimes appear standoffish but part of it is I don't really know how to belong. I feel awkward and find myself saying stupid things and in the end it's easier (safer) to stay to myself which makes me sound pretty insecure. And I'm that too.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I have a recurring nightmare that happened again early this morning. It starts with me either at work or at a social gathering in the early evening. I leave and begin to walk home (so apparently must live close by) but on the way home the distance increases and I find myself in an unfamiliar area as night sets in. The areas differ - sometimes they are industrial, other times I seem to be in an iffy part of a town but the businesses are closed. Sometimes there are other people in my dreams - some seem menacing but rarely is there contact between them and me. Initially I don't seem particularly apprehensive but then a deep dread sets in that eventually wakes me up feeling quite disturbed. When I try to go back to sleep, despite attempts to think of something else, my thoughts drift back to where my dream left off. I usually end up getting up and walking around the house or reading to distract myself. I am rarely able to fall back asleep.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

I dreamt about an outing with my Hawaiian nieces last night and Butch was there.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

I am enjoying the warmer temps. It's nice to be able to sit outside again after all these months of cold. Michael and I made a small dent in yard work yesterday. I cleaned the leaves and other debris out of most of my flower beds. And I am going through my usual spring angst about how brown my lawn looks compared to the neighbors.

Concern about my parents continues. I worry that now that my mother doesn't have someone assisting with her meds that she isn't taking them on schedule. My father is obsessing about not filing his taxes. He can't find his year-end benefit statements or last year's return and is in a bit of a panic despite having filed for an extension.

My niece "C" has finally made a decision on what college she plans to attend - she is off to Knox in the fall. I'm really happy for her and am confident she will do well but will certainly miss her.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Michael’s cousin, Ipo, recently sent this to us regarding Michael’s grandparents.

Gung Hee Fat Choy,

The first Chines immigrants arrived to Hawaii in 1852. They came as “contract workers” or indentured servants, bond to a five-year contract. Of these early immigrants, 175 from Hong Kong took up their labor on Maui. Most Chinese that came to Hawaii were from the Provinces of Southern China: Kwangtung and Fukein. By 1882, the Chinese population was around 5,000 making up 20% of Honolulu’s population. The Chinese were known to be extremely frugal and would literally save every penny of their $3.00 monthly wages (wages included their payment for passage to Hawaii, room and board): hence the term “tight pake.” After their five year contract ended, most did not re-new, instead took jobs on smaller private farms, worked as domestics in “haole” households, or started their own business.

It was during these early periods of Hawaii’s history that the Tam brothers arrived to the islands. They were sent to Maui, worked, married, saved their money, and started their families. All of us are remnants of this great part of Hawaii’s history. Many of us have asked for a family reunion. Therefore, ”we” have enclosed a survey to help us gather information to plan such an event. Who are “we”? We are Kelii Kaleo, who is the son of Charlotte Tam and Ku’uipo Lau, the grand-daughter to Emma Tam Wong Lau. Enclosed are copies of this survey. Please pass this out to family members that we do not have addresses for and return as soon as possible.

Yu’an suoyou yi bo zhongzi, bei yong. Yu huan yue tuanyuan de shihou zaici juji.

May all the seeds that have been sowed be gathered. Again for a time of joyful reunion.

Thank you for your participation.

Ku’uipo Suehiro Lau

Wednesday, March 12, 2013

Every once and awhile I see or hear a quote that resonates with me. These quotes are from the movie 500 Days of Summer...

Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and end with no lasting memories in between. Most days have no impact on the course of life.

You can't ascribe significance to a single cosmic earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything really is. There are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

My mother is still holding on. A few days ago though it seemed like she might not make it through the night and I wrote these haikus for her. I love you, Mom.

Eyes closed to the world, Breathing labored, skin so hot, Dreaming of the past.

Bitter frigid cold, White snow swirling in the wind, Feeling sad and old.

My heart gently weeps, I dream of you when I sleep, I miss you, Bo-Peep.

Mom, Mommy, Mother, You don’t answer when I call. And yet, I call on.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

I am too tired and mentally drained to try to articulate what is going on with my parents, especially my mother, and I am trying hard not to overreact but I feel like crying and the tears won't come. I'm afraid if I start crying I may not be able to stop.

Monday, February 24, 2014

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink, I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink. I was on the road this morning shortly after 6am in hopes of catching the doctor when he was doing his rounds. There is still no word and I am playing the waiting game at the hospital. They ran a couple of tests this morning and what follows is based on the results.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Life is full off could have, should have moments that keep us awake at night.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Both Michael and I are sick. I started feeling badly while visiting my parents yesterday. I developed a headache and felt flush. The cough started last night. It's going to be a great week.

On the parent's front - after Butch and I left Redford yesterday my father apparently fell down the basement stairs and ended up in the emergency room to get his head stitched up and some tests done. He was released but it is worrisome just the same.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy V-Day to everyone. I received a nice card from Michael this morning with the kind of quote that I love finding when I am reading a novel. She lightly hitched her skirt up to her knee, quite uninhibited. This attitude provoked scandalized comments among the ladies gathered there. (Like Water for Chocolate)

Anyway, with all the birthdays recently I started to think about how now that we are older we underplay its importance. It's just another day, don't make a fuss, I don't want anything. And the reality is that we all get a little peevish if the day goes by without any recognition that it's your birthday. We don't want to admit that we are disappointed but the feelings are there just the same. I am guessing that the same can be said about Valentine's Day.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Or as this date is known at our house - Michael's birthday. Michael turned 66 years old today. I have known and loved this man for an incredible 46 years. It's hard to believe but we have both become senior citizens together. Here's wishing he had a fairly good birthday, as he sure deserves something good in his life. Love you old man...

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

And even more talk about my family and the weather. First off birthday wishes to my little bro JP and I do realize that I have two other brothers and a father with those same initials. I just want to say publicly that he is one of my best friends and I really enjoy spending time with him. Most of the time we just shoot the proverbial breeze and that's okay.

Dad was up to his usual tricks this weekend. Tricks isn't really the word I want to use but I'm not sure what else to call it. He has an agenda and can't seem to get that his priorities aren't necessarily in sync with other people's plans. Enough said but it sure led to some frustrating moments when Kathy was visiting. I was really feeling sorry for her.

And now on to the weather. There is a coating of road salt on my car, shoes, coat, and whatever pants I happen to be wearing day to day. There are icy patches on my sidewalks and porch that I can't seem to make go away. There is snow piled on the sides of my driveway and sidewalks. In some places it's head level which makes trying to clear any new snow a real bitch. So to all you "I just love winter" folks out there, enjoy because for me winter fatigue has set in big time and I can't wait for spring. I saw a bunch of birds this morning in a tree by the parking lot at work and I must admit it gave me hope.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

It seems like a lot of my talk lately has been about either my parents or the weather. Both are like a cold slap in the face, a reality check of sorts on life. Everyone seems to have an opinion on what "should" be done regarding my parent's situation and this includes me. And I'd say the consensus is that Mom should be in assisted living. But having an opinion and going through the hard work of making something happen are about as far apart as you can get. And I suspect like most things in life, the financial reality is a major driver. It doesn't help too that Mom told me today that she was depressed and worries all the time about waking up and not being able to use her legs. Sigh...

Sunday, January 25, 2014

I was thinking today about how the two-letter word "if" packs such a big punch. There are so many situations that would have or could have turned out differently if (fill in the blank). If only I got that job, if only I had said something, if only I went to college... The list goes on. It's a little word with potentially big consequences.

Michael and I went to the Auto Show yesterday at Cobo in Detroit. There was some stress related to the journey (very glad Michael was driving) but it was fun seeing all the cars. And I like that you can sit in many of them. I place a lot of value in being able to reach the foot pedals comfortably so it's nice being able to check that out. Besides that, what's not to like about getting to look at expensive shiny metallic objects. And I think Michael really wants a motorcycle.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The polar vortex continues. My car is getting a little reprieve though from the frigid weather. One of my co-workers with garage parking is working from home today and I moved my car into her space shortly before noon. Hopefully those big chunks of ice that form in the wheel wells will fall off before I leave tonight because it's back out into the cold soon. This weather just exhausts me. I really miss my outdoor sun time.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

It is still friggin' cold outside. I ended up turning the heat at home up to 72 degrees because I feel really chilled. It was an especially stressful day at work and I have had a headache for hours so am looking for creature comforts and being warm is one of them. I am slowly ripping our movie collection. I think having electronic copies will help me be a little more selective about what DVDs I'll actually keep when we eventually move. I suppose I should do the same with our music collection as well. It does occur to me though that if the drive I am storing all this on crashes, I'll be up the proverbial creek without a paddle.

Monday, January 20, 2014 It is still friggin' cold outside. Spring and warmer days are just a distant dream to me now.

Butch and I spent a long day in Redford yesterday socializing and running errands with Mom and Dad. A woman stopped me as we were leaving a restaurant last night to tell me how lucky I was to still have my parents. It was at a point where I was feeling worried and frustrated about Mom's stubborn resistance to using her cane. I had just watched her maneuver through the restaurant to go to the restroom - grabbing onto the backs of other diners' chairs and tables for balance. And it was after watching my brother patiently deal with my Dad for many hours as he struggled with his computer. And I thought about how right this woman was. No matter how worried or frustrated dealing with my parents can be, I am lucky to still have them. And I also realize how frustrated and worried they must be about their own limitations. Mom is virtually housebound unless someone shows up to take her somewhere. And my Dad who always seemed to be in control when we were growing up now finds himself dependent on others for many tasks. Aging is not a kind mistress.

Monday, January 13, 2014

I have slowly been destroying pages of an old diary because I used it primarily to vent about the frustrations in my relationship with Michael throughout my 20s, 30s and 40s. The entries are the common laments about one's spouse - not affectionate enough, unsupportive, is often aloof, doesn't communicate, shuts me out, etc. It turns out that one of the benefits of aging is that a lot of things that used to cause me a great deal of angst when I was younger don't bother me as much. Michael's grown mellower with age and I've accepted that he is who he is. I still go through periods of longing for more but he's a good decent man. And sometimes he surprises me with small thoughtful acts without being asked like putting gas in my car, bringing home bacon, or rubbing my shoulders or feet. He's a keeper.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Another Mommism… Mom after being told she had to use her walker due to icy conditions or stay home, “I hate that goddamn thing.”

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

It is friggin' cold outside - minus 14 degrees (wind-chill minus 35 degrees). My poor little twelve-year-old car was frozen solid but bless its little engine, it did start after three tries. And fortunately I have garage parking at work this week because it will give my car a chance to defrost. With all the snow and ice piled on it, I expect there will be a puddle of water surrounding it when I leave for home tonight.

Also Michael reported having a really bad day today. His day started with his car not starting. He ended up staying home but had to use one of his precious vacation days. Subsequent attempts to start his car failed and he was unable to push his car in the garage in hopes of warming it up. Stranded at home, he decided to make use of his time off to apply for social security and found himself locked out of the system when he couldn't answer the security questions. When I got home we decided to go to Archilles for dinner only to find it was closed. We then drove to Burger King and they apparently were having issues with their heat. But all ended well - bagged up the dinner and brought it home to our warm house. Guess who's decided to use my car tomorrow.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Butch and I went to visit the parents today and took Mom and Dad out for lunch to celebrate Mom's birthday. We went to a restaurant called Steve's on Middlebelt Road and then ran a few errands. It sure is cold outside and more snow is expected tonight and tomorrow. All I can say is UGH.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Happy Birthday, Mom. Thanks for all your support over the years.

Mom talking about her childhood on July 21, 2013 - I told them about working on the farm, the things that happened when I was a kid, the things we had to do, like Saturday night we polished all the shoes with cold biscuits until they were shining. Saturday morning I had to clean the lamps. Momma would give me a sock and I would put my hand in it and go inside the chimney and get the smoke out. And when I got through, the lamps were all set up for the next week. Momma would say you got the littlest hands in the house, you can do the lamps. It was just to get me to do them.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

I am hesitant as to what to say to start this new page, this new year, but have decided not to look back at what might have been and instead look forward to what will be. It is Michael's and my goal to make this the year we finally make the move back to Hawaii that we've talked about for so many years. The five-year plan is now the one-year plan - or even better the 9 month plan (kind of like a rebirth). I know it is not going to be an easy move because my job is going to be especially demanding this year so I am anticipating some stressful moments but hopefully if we stay focused and supportive of each other, we can do this. My resolution this year is to not only make this happen but also to continue just trying to be a better person. And I want the family members out there that have continued to love and support me to know how much I love you and appreciate all the times you have been there for me. You know who you are.