Tips for Parents and Caregivers
4th Grade
The information and tips below have been adapted from the Today Show's Parenting Guides. Please keep in mind that every child develops at a different rate, resulting in different behaviors at each grade level.
The late elementary years are a time of great personal and social growth. As children grow older, they become better at making decisions, solving problems, and working in groups. Early adolescence begins around the age of 11, and this brings along its own challenges. As children’s bodies begin to change their emotions can seem to change at a moment’s notice. Developing your child’s social and emotional skills can help him manage his emotions and behavior and make responsible choices.
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Self-awareness is the ability to accurately identify emotions and the behaviors they can trigger, as well as accurately identifying personal strengths and weaknesses. Put simply, it is about knowing what makes you tick. As your child enters this late elementary age, he is more likely to be able to grasp the range of emotions he experiences and what causes them. He may also have a more robust emotional vocabulary than he did in younger years, though he may still be learning to identify more complex emotions, like disappointment or rejection. Understanding your child’s development in the emotional realm can help you support his growth and help steer him through situations that he may find difficult. Children’s temperaments vary widely, and your child may be extremely adept at identifying his feelings or he may have difficulty with it. Both ends of the spectrum are considered normal, but if you have concerns over your child’s development it’s best to talk to his health care provider.
At about the age of nine and ten, your child may be able to accurately identify their emotions while also explaining why your child feels that way and what your child might like to change about that response. For example, they should be able to identify feeling rejected when friends decide not to include them in a game at recess, but be able to find another game to join in the future rather than dwelling on their disappointment.
Your fourth-grader should also be able to identify their strengths and weaknesses and understand how they affect the choices your child makes. For instance, if they are excelling in math, they may choose to join a math league at school. On the other hand, if they are struggling with math but is able to ask for extra help, that shows self-awareness. If they're struggling but puts off their homework, acts out, or tries to avoid the subject altogether, they are less self-aware.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Use many different words to describe your own emotions around your child
For example, instead of saying “I’m happy we all get to spend the weekend together” try using a word like “grateful” or “thankful” or “glad.” Exposing your child to more words can help build their emotional vocabulary. Sean Slade, director of the Whole Child Initiative at the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, recommends also sharing the reasons behind your feelings. By explaining what makes you tick, you are modeling self-awareness and showing how other people’s actions can affect your moods.
To help your child develop self-awareness, encourage him to get involved in school musicals or community plays
Many schools and communities have opportunities for children this age to take part in acting, which builds on their self-awareness by letting them act out feelings. If your son isn’t interested in performing himself, take him to watch actors in a local play or musical, or to the movies, and talk about how the actors knew which expressions to make in order to accurately portray the character’s feelings.
Use books or TV to point out emotions, especially complex emotions for your child
For example, take a moment to point out complex feelings and ask your child why they think the character feels the way they do. Is the character jealous of a classmate while also feeling rejected by not being invited to their birthday party? For children who are less self-aware, you can go a step further and relate the characters to your child. Teacher Anne Harlam suggests saying, “The character reminds me of you—people like to talk to their because they are a good listener!” or, “The character reminds me of the time when you were nervous because you didn’t have any of your old friends in your class.” Relating your fourth-graders experiences to characters’ emotions can help them build self-awareness.
Encourage your child to keep a journal
Promise not to read it and keep that promise. Allowing your child an outlet to describe what he’s feeling and thinking can help him verbalize their feelings. Having those emotions and thoughts written down will also help your fourth-grader identify patterns and causes. If they often write about feeling excited by an upcoming sports game or travel, they may recognize those events as triggers for their emotions. Neurologist and teacher Judy Willis recommends also providing a separate response journal where your child can write down feelings and ask questions that you respond to. Writing down thoughts may be a more comfortable way for your child to discuss feelings than actually speaking about them.
Self-management is the ability to control your actions and emotions, and being able to recognize emotions is a key building block of self-management. It is a social-emotional skill that is associated with academic success. Self-management also covers skills like impulse control, goal-setting, and perseverance. As your child develops more self-management, she will be better able to handle upsetting situations like being left out, losing a game, or being teased, which can all affect her classroom performance. Self-management will also help her handle high-pressure situations like taking a test or competing in sports. The ability to self-regulate and manage emotions and behaviors is constantly evolving, especially for children this age. You may notice that one day your child is able to calm herself easily, while on another day she may burst into tears over a similar upsetting event. Every child develops at her own pace and that pace can change daily. It is important for you to continue to support your child through her development and give her the tools to be successful even on days when she feels a bit off.
Your child should be able to recognize socially appropriate responses to emotions. For example, your child should know that throwing a temper tantrum at the grocery store over which type of cereal your child wants for breakfast is not an appropriate response to feeling disappointed. By fifth grade, your child should be able to reflect on possible consequences before expressing their emotions.
Your child should be able to recognize ways your child can deal with upsetting emotions. For example, your child should have some ways to calm herself, whether it’s removing themselves from an upsetting situation, taking deep breaths, or counting to ten before moving forward.
Your child should be able to identify how obstacles are overcome to achieve goals. This can be from personal experience, like when your child learned to ride a bike without training wheels, or from examples in books or television shows. Your child should also be able to remember when they were successful and recall the ways your child could apply what worked in that situation to future goals. For example, if your child improved their reading ability, your child should realize that improvement happened because your child spent more time practicing outside school.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Model self-regulation
For example, if you find yourself on hold with customer service and feeling impatient, tell your child, “I really don't like being on hold; it’s very annoying. But I’m going to take a few deep breaths and I’ll calm down.” Showing your child your self-control in the moment can be a powerful lesson. You can even work on those skills with your child when she’s not angry. Talking about coping skills like counting or taking deep breaths while they are calm will give your child practice and a skill your child can turn to when she’s upset. You can also talk about the times you haven’t succeeded with your self-management to show your child that this is a learned skill that requires work.
Help your child with stress management
As your child ages, your child may begin to feel stress as a result of more demanding coursework or the increased social pressures that come with the pre-teen years. You can help your child find ways to reduce stress. For example, if she’s worried about a test, there may be an opportunity to speak with the teacher beforehand or for them to study with a classmate. You may even want to explore physical exercise as a way to manage stress. Many people find simply walking or jogging a great stress release. Teacher Anne Morrison recommends children’s yoga as a fun way for children to relax. The next time your child seems stressed or upset, ask them to join you on a walk, or for a game of basketball and see if getting their blood pumping also helps to distract them from stress.
Ask your child to help around the house
Ask your child to assist you with small tasks around the house, like setting the table or laying out clothes for school the next day. Discussing and following through on simple routines and tasks helps develop their self-management and goal-setting skills. It’s teaching order, organization, and time management on a small level by having your child work through a set of tasks to complete a goal.
Pay attention to your child's behavior
New York City-based teacher Anne Morrison says your child may not always communicate their feelings, but their actions and behaviors may offer clues. For example, if you notice your child gets stressed or acts out on days they have tests, sports practice, or music lessons, it means your child feels more pressure in these situations than you knew. Noting possible causes of their stress or other emotions can help you find ways to help them manage those feelings.
Social awareness is the ability to understand and respect the perspective of others, and to apply this knowledge to social interactions with people from diverse backgrounds. During the late elementary years, your child is learning how to better manage and control his feelings when interacting with others. Although he may not yet apply empathy to all of his social interactions, his ability to monitor other people’s perspectives is improving, and he should be better able to see how his behavior affects others. For example, you should notice that he is becoming a better teammate through this development period. That’s a contrast to the “me first” attitude of early childhood. The changes brought on by puberty—especially in girls, who tend to enter this phase before boys—may affect how your child approaches relationships and interactions. This is a time of great physical and emotional development, and you can contribute to your child’s social success by supporting him through this very important and influential phase in his life.
At this age, your child is becoming more independent, and their interest in friends and social activities is growing. By this time, your child should know how to communicate their needs and feelings verbally, and understand that emotions play a major role in the nature of relationships.
As your child makes friends and forges new relationships, they are developing their ability to respect and identify other people’s perspectives and behaviors. As your child learns how to identify what others are feeling based on their facial expressions and body language, they are becoming better at understanding and evaluating social situations.
According to New York City-based teacher Anne Harlam, the way your child discusses friend dynamics and whose fault it was during a conflict usually sheds light on how socially aware your child is. Is your fourth-grader able to accurately relate what happened or are they still looking at the situation through their own feelings?
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Model good behavior
A child’s social behavior is best reinforced when parents are kind, sincere and non-judgmental. Remember that your child is looking to you to set an example of how to interact with others, and that taking a moment to consider how you interact with others is an important part of nurturing your child’s social skills.
Share your family values with your child
To help your fourth-grader learn about the need for respectful behavior, help him create a family credo, coat of arms or crest. Talk with him about your beliefs and expectations, and work with him to come up with a list of your family’s values, like trust, respect, kindness, and generosity. After you have this list, ask your child to identify three different ways that your child can apply these values in social situations. You may also want to write out all of this information on a poster board and hang it in a central area in your home as a reminder of your family’s values and expectations.
Discuss different perspectives
To help your child understand and respect the perspectives of others, talk with him about a book that he’s reading or a television show or movie that your child watched recently, and ask him what would happen if the story were written from another perspective. For example, a book about King Arthur and Merlin the sorcerer can be told from Merlin’s sister Morgana’s perspective. Or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory can be told from Charlie’s grandfather’s point of view. By doing this, you are not only teaching your child how to see life through different lenses, but also building their capacity for empathy and understanding.
Discuss current events
Talk to your child about social issues like immigration and racial and gender inequality. When you’re watching the evening newscast or reading the morning paper, ask your child to give you their opinion on these issues and talk to him about the people involved on both sides. These types of stories make children aware of historical events and allow them to relate to the hardships and joys of others. They also help children to learn more about conflict resolution and the importance of respecting others and their opinions.
Having good relationship skills is simply the ability to make and keep rewarding relationships with friends, family, and others from a wide range of backgrounds. During the late elementary school years, your child is not only discovering more about herself and her emotions, but also learning how to deal with relationships and peer pressure. Through each new friendship, she is learning how to use her communication and social skills to interact with others and to work together toward collective goals. Some children experience physical and emotional changes as they approach their teen years, and these can have a dramatic effect on the way that your child deals with her relationships and her interactions. Remember that every child develops at a different pace, and as your child discovers more about herself, her feelings, and her capabilities, she is learning how best to interact with a growing group of friends and peers. Practicing these skills with your child can help her understand the intricacies of social interactions and provide her with the confidence she needs to use the skills more independently.
During the late elementary years, your child is becoming more perceptive about the world around them and learning how to use their social skills to establish and maintain positive relationships. They are also discovering the importance of listening actively, respecting diverse perspectives, and resolving conflicts effectively. During this phase, your child may have just a few friends, or even a single best friend.
Children of this age can often be hard on themselves if they make mistakes, and they may shift blame when there is a conflict so as not to appear directly responsible. The increased interest in peer relationships, while a natural part of growing up and a positive expansion of your child’s world, can also have negative consequences, including greater opportunities for exclusion, bullying, and conflict.
At this age, children may be loyal and considerate to their friends, but may question the rules at home. The child who is asking questions at home and requires extra reasoning is actually testing newfound skills and understandings in what they feel is a safe setting. You can use your influence to help guide them through these years and provide them with the support your child needs to further-develop their people skills. Often, just making sure that your child knows that your child can talk to you is enough for children of this age.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Use the "sandwich" technique
Use the “sandwich” technique. Author and consultant Faye de Muyshondt suggests employing this technique when teaching your child how to approach certain conversations, especially when providing feedback or addressing an issue. In basic terms, this method involves “sandwiching” the feedback or problem in between a compliment and a positive conclusion. For example, if your child feels that a friend treated them unkindly, your child could start with a positive comment like, “I value your friendship, and you’re always so nice to me,” then continuing with, “The other day when we were at lunch, you yelled at me and that made me sad.” This can be followed with, “I really want to keep being friends, so next time, just tell me if I’m doing something that bothers you and we can fix it before we start yelling at each other.”
Practice active listening with your child
Role-playing can be an effective way to help your child learn how to be a respectful listener. Begin by asking your child what they did this weekend, and as they are talking, make sure to fidget around and not give them eye contact. Once they are done, tell them to describe your body language and ask them how it felt when you were not listening to them. After this, you can model what active listening looks like, and ask them to practice listening to you. When they are done, give them feedback like, “You made really good eye contact with me and you seemed to be very interested in what I had to say.” Make sure to talk to them about why active listening is important, and help them come up with strategies for how your child can be a better listener to others.
Talk to your child about "put-ups"
Before bedtime or while commuting to school, talk to your child about put-downs and how they hurt people. Ask them to give you examples of put-downs your child may have heard or said to others, and how your child thinks these insults made people feel. Tell them to spin those put-downs around and come up with put-ups that your child can share with others next time to make them feel better or more confident about themselves. You can also find examples of put-downs in the media. Use them as a jumping-off point for a discussion about how the situations could have been handled without making others feel unnecessarily hurt.
Read books about resisting peer pressure with your child
Books like Say Something or One of Us by Peggy Moss can help you spark a conversation about the importance of resisting negative pressures when trying to fit in with others. Once you have read the book, talk with your child about the forms that peer pressure can take (remember that peer pressure can be positive, too, if your child’s peers are steering their in the right direction), and ask your child what their friends do that makes them want to do good things. You can also ask them how it feels to be pressured in a bad way and how your child dealt with it. Work together to identify negative pressure and figure out ways your child can stand up for themselves the next time your child finds themselves in a negative peer interaction. This may also be a good time to discuss tobacco, alcohol, and drug prevention strategies, as it is never too early to teach your child how to avoid these influences.
Children are not born with the ability to make responsible decisions. It is a skill that is learned over time and involves making mistakes and learning from them. As your child becomes more independent, he’ll be faced with making more decisions on his own. Director of the Rutgers Social and Emotional Laboratory Maurice Elias says that it is important to build this skill before the teenage years when problems and decisions can have more serious consequences.
The ability to make responsible decisions combines your child’s ability to identify and manage his emotions with his social awareness and relationship skills. You can support your child’s growing ability to make responsible decisions so that he is better equipped to make decisions on his own. Decisions like whom your child sits with at lunch or which shirt he puts on each day may seem small to you, but in the later elementary years, decisions can become more serious. For example, in the late elementary years, some children get their first smartphones or unsupervised internet time. Choices your child makes about how to present himself online can have long-term consequences that he may not understand yet. With your guidance, he can be better prepared for the future.
Your child should be able to understand and explain why it is important to obey rules and laws, whether it’s traffic laws, rules at home, or rules in the classroom.
Your fourth-grader should be able to set some goals and priorities and create a plan related to them. These priorities can be related to schoolwork, like getting a good grade or completing a reading assignment, or relationships, like helping a friend or family member. Your child should also be able to think of different solutions for problems and think of the consequences of their choices.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Show your child that you love and support him
Children will make mistakes as they test boundaries and explore their growing independence. By showing your child you support him even when he makes mistakes, you’re showing him that you’re reliable and a constant comfort, which will help him not to be afraid to try something new and make mistakes again in the future.
Teach your child to save money
If your child wants a new toy or video game, make him save up money for the toy himself. By late elementary school, they are capable of doing small tasks for an allowance. Your child may also get money from relatives and friends for birthdays or other holidays. Teaching him to save that money for something your child really wants will help him learn to make decisions to reach those goals. This also teaches him responsibility and some financial literacy as well.
Help your child with decision-making strategies
Parent-child interactions are the foundation of your child’s social development, and when you are responsive to your child’s needs and provide them with the freedom to make decisions on their own, they are more likely to be successful in social situations. Share with your child an important choice you made in the past, and together, break down the steps that you took to reach that decision. You may even want to write it out so you can both look at it, including a list of the pros and cons of that decision. Advise your child that next time they have a tough decision to make, your child can try to brainstorm a lot of options and then use a pros and cons list to help them reach a conclusion. These kinds of conversations will help you gain a better understanding of your child’s thought process, and it will allow them to see the logic and steps involved in making well-informed and thoughtful decisions.
Point out when your child makes good decisions
Often, children don’t realize they are making decisions at all. For example, if your child decides to read a book instead of fighting with their sibling over the remote control, tell them that you noticed your child not only made a choice to avoid conflict with their sibling, but also one that will help them academically. Praising good choices can encourage your child to continue making those decisions in the future. Additionally, make sure to take time to discuss your child’s day. Look for ways to highlight positive decisions your child made and talk about why your child made the choices your child did.
Talk through problems, logical consequences, and resolutions
Point out that there are often several ways to solve a problem. For example, if your child is having a hard time with a classmate during recess, you can talk with them about ways your child can approach the classmate and what the potential outcomes of the conversation could be. Additionally, if your child is falling behind on their homework, you can talk through ways to remedy this. For instance, your child could set aside time after dinner to continue working, your child could skip an extracurricular activity until they are caught up, or your child could decide not to do anything at all. You can help their talk through the different consequences of missing a favorite TV show, missing their friends or falling further behind, and running the risk of failing a class. It becomes apparent rather quickly that the best option would be to set aside more time at night, and you can help guide them to the decision that will benefit them the most.
Teach your child environmental responsibility
Taking a responsible role in society and learning how their actions affect others is a good way for your child to practice their decision-making skills. For example, try recycling or conserving energy. Talk with your child about how bettering the environment helps others. Then work together to come up with a plan for how you can help conserve energy or encourage recycling in your home. It shows your child how small everyday decisions and actions can make an impact in the larger world.
Take part in a service project together
Ask your child to plan a service project in which your family can help out in the local community. It can be volunteering at the local food bank, gathering items for a clothing drive, or spending time reading to the elderly at a local nursing home. By finding ways to translate the lesson of responsibility into action, you are helping to raise a more accountable and trustworthy child.