Tips for Parents and Caregivers
12th Grade
The information and tips below have been adapted from the Today Show's Parenting Guides. Please keep in mind that every child develops at a different rate, resulting in different behaviors at each grade level.
The high school years are a time of great personal development as teens are further developing their identities, preparing for adulthood, and gaining more independence. Encouraging your teen’s social and emotional development is still important at this age, as these skills can be developed throughout life. While your teen is becoming more independent, it is important to remember that you are still needed. Reminding your teen that you care can go a long way in keeping them on track and planning for the future.
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Self-awareness is knowing yourself. It’s about knowing your emotions, strengths and challenges, and how your emotions affect your behavior and decisions. Self-awareness is key to managing actions and setting goals for the future, and it is a skill that will help your teen thrive. In high school, your teen may gain a better understanding of their strengths and challenges and start making choices based on their abilities. For example, they may join clubs, groups or teams based on that knowledge, and they may be better able to separate what they want for themselves from what their friends want them to do. They may also begin to set longer-term goals like getting into college or getting a job.
Expect your teen’s self-awareness to develop further during the high school years. They may be able to accurately identify complex emotions like pride, anticipation, stress, anxiety, and grief.
Your high-schooler may also develop a stronger sense of what causes and impacts their feelings. For example, they may know that public speaking makes them feel anxious or that scoring well on a test gives them a sense of pride and accomplishment.
Keep in mind that during their teenage years your child may actually become too self-aware. Tom Hoerr, head of New City School in St. Louis, points out that many teens compare themselves to their peers and feel like they don’t measure up, which can lead to jealousy or anxiety. Teens are also exploring their identities: who they believe they are and who they want to become. For example, do they see themselves as a future college student, military service member or worker?
Your high-schooler is also better able to identify their strengths and challenges by this age, and they may use that insight to help them makes plans for life after high school.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Help your teen express her feelings
Provide your high-schooler with ways to express their feelings and think about their experiences. One option is to encourage them to write frequently. They can write in a journal, on their computer, or even in a password-protected blog. Promise not to read their writing if your child doesn’t want you to, and keep that promise. As your teen transitions to young adulthood, they may be less likely to share all their thoughts and feelings with you. Giving them an outlet to write their emotions allows them time for self-reflection and further develops their self-awareness.
Model self-awareness by talking about your own feelings often
At family dinners, during commutes, or whenever you can, talk with your teen and let them know how you’re feeling and why. For example, you might say, “I’m getting a bit anxious for the holidays already. While I’m excited to spend time with the family, I’m nervous about taking time away from work and having even more to do when I get back.” By creating an opportunity to discuss your feelings, you’re letting your teen see your emotions and that you are comfortable talking about feelings. This provides a safe place to talk with you about what they're feeling, too.
Talk to your high-schooler about her plans for the future
Discuss potential career, personal or higher-education goals with your teen. Ask them questions like, “Which class is your favorite right now? Do you think you’d like to explore careers where you could use what you’re learning in that class every day? What are your strengths?” Helping your teen identify their strengths and their challenges in an open discussion can get them thinking about ways to further develop those skills into adulthood. Also talk about personal goals by asking, “Who do you look up to, and what makes them admirable?” Perhaps they have a mentor at school who is kind and thoughtful. Your teen is not just dealing with their educational and professional future; they're also learning more about themselves. Try asking, “What’s your favorite book you’ve read for class recently? ” You may find you both liked the same book in English class, which provides an opportunity to further connect with your teen.
Talk about labels with your teen
Education consultant Jennifer Miller recommends talking about labels and stereotypes that go along with them. Do peers call your teen a “jock” or a “geek?” Does your teen use those terms to discuss other classmates? Give an example of how labels can be limiting and how someone your child might think is a “nerd” can also be so much more than that. Also, be aware of your own language when talking about your teen with friends and family. Try to not use labels when talking about them, as it can be harmful or hurtful to teens who are trying to build their own identities.
Self-management is the ability to recognize your emotions and control the behaviors sparked by those emotions. For example, a person showing self-management is able to calm down, not yell or act out, in moments of anger or frustration. You may notice your teen becoming less volatile than they were at younger ages as they develop their self-management. At this age, your teen is likely beginning to think about longer-term goals like what they’d like to do after high school. Part of self-management is being able to set and work toward goals, both personally and academically. By continuing to support your teen’s self-management growth, you can guide them into becoming a responsible young adult.
As your high-schooler develops more self-management they will become better able to handle their emotions and the behaviors caused by those emotions. For example, instead of yelling and slamming their bedroom door when debating curfew times with you, they may take a couple of minutes to calm themselves and come back to you with reasons to support their request for a later curfew.
Your teen may become better-equipped with tools to calm themselves, like deep breathing, removing themselves from a stressful situation, or using exercise as a way to blow off steam.
Your high-schooler may be able to get over uncomfortable feelings and change their thought process. For example, your teen might feel jealous of a friend who gets a lead part in a play for which they both tried out, but they may be able to understand they aren't as skilled in acting as their friend and put aside their jealousy to congratulate their friend.
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Don't forget your teen still looks to you as a role model
As some children age, they try to distance themselves from their parents, but they do still learn from you, whether they admit it or not. Set a good example for your high-schooler by not letting your emotions get the best of you. Tell your teen what you’re doing to maintain your composure so they can learn from you. For example, if you are in an argument with your teen, say, “I’m not going to raise my voice with you right now. Instead, I’m going to take five minutes and take some deep breaths, and we can continue this conversation after we’ve calmed down.”
Talk to your teen about managing stress
As your teen transitions to young adulthood, their responsibilities and their social pressures increase, and they will often feel stressed. Talk with your teen about how they can better-handle their stress, like taking a break for exercise, making sure to get a good night’s sleep, or making a to-do list to better-organize assignments and other responsibilities. When you see your teen worrying about a test or social situation, gently remind them of ways they can take a step back and handle that stress.
Consider having an "affirmation jar" in your home
Affirmations are positive sentences that you read to yourself each morning to start the day. Some people find a daily positive reminder very helpful in setting goals and expectations for how they’ll handle the day. This is something your entire family could do together by writing affirmations on paper to put into the jar. Examples of affirmations are, “I can do it,” “I can handle whatever comes,” or “I am making positive decisions in my life.” On your way out the door, take an affirmation out of the jar, read it, and encourage your teen to do the same. At night, you could all talk about your affirmation and how you brought it into your behavior that day.
Social awareness is the ability to understand and respect the perspectives of others, and to apply this knowledge to social interactions with people from diverse backgrounds. As teens make their way through high school, their sense of social awareness is maturing, as is their ability to understand how their behaviors affect others. Their interest in sexuality and gender also grows at this age, as many teens are dating by now, and they are figuring out their role in intimate relationships. The unpredictable moods of adolescence may still appear every now and then, and hurt feelings, arguments with friends, cliques, peer pressure, and dating issues can have a dramatic impact on some teens. You can help your teenager navigate these years by having frequent and meaningful conversations with them and by supporting their growing independence.
At this age, your teen is focused on defining their identity and on establishing close bonds with their friends and, possibly, romantic partners.
Your teen’s ability to use verbal, physical, and situational cues to identify what others are feeling improves greatly during the high school years.
Your teen’s capacity to understand the feelings, motives, and actions of others is also growing. At this age, your teen has been exposed to many different social experiences, and they may be better prepared to apply empathy to social interactions and to adjust their behavior to meet the needs of others. They may not always put empathy into action, however, as high-schoolers are very concerned about their social standing. This may lead your teen to criticize or hurt others in order to go along with the crowd.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Your teen’s social world evolves during high school, and it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. Try to talk frequently and honestly about your teen’s feelings and friendships. Whether it’s at the dinner table or right before bedtime, have frequent chats with your teen about their social life and their role and responsibilities as a friend. Listen patiently to their stories and concerns. Try not to be too judgmental while having these discussions, as this can cause them to withhold information or not want to talk about these topics. You may want to ask if they’d like your opinion before offering it if you want to keep the doors of communication open.
Help your high-schooler come up with rules for their social life
As your teen becomes more independent, it’s important to give them some say over their social life and activities. Have a discussion with them about their privileges, responsibilities, and curfew, and work together to set rules and consequences for breaking them. This will help your teen feel included and invested in these important social decisions. It can also help guide their behavior once your teen ventures out on their own.
Encourage your teen's interests and future career goals
Many teens have passions and pursuits that are important to them, and it’s helpful to encourage your teen to find what their “thing” is. Ask about their interests and about potential careers related to their passions. If your teen has a hard time defining their interests, help them by pointing out their talents and how your child can use them in their future career. Once you identify your teen’s interests, you may want to help them find a mentor in that particular field or encourage them to participate in groups or activities that foster their talents. If your teen is the first in the family to go to college, you may also want to find a mentor who has gone through the college process to help prepare them for this important life transition.
Talk to your teen about bullying
Bullying is a growing concern in the United States, as children and teens are experiencing and engaging in this negative behavior at alarming rates. This is especially true at the high-school level, where cliques, belonging and popularity are major aspects of a teen’s social world. A recent study conducted by the National Center for Education Statistics found that nearly one in three students report being bullied during the school year. Bullying can take many forms, like name-calling, physical harassment, or excluding others, and social media has opened up new avenues for this type of harassment. Often, teens don’t recognize that their own behavior could be considered bullying. Talk to your teen about bullying and ask them if they have been victimized or if they have seen it happen to others. Discuss their feelings about bullying and ask them to consider how it makes others feel. By reminding them of the harmful effects of bullying, you are helping to provide your teen with the knowledge and courage that your child will need to stand up against this behavior in the future.
Practice respectful assertiveness
Education consultant Jennifer Miller recommends talking to your teen about ways that your child can be assertive in different situations. Miller says that when teens are faced with criticism from peers, they may be tempted to run away or issue a hurtful comment in return. You can help your teen come up with assertive responses like, “I am not interested in that opinion,” to help prepare them to deal with these types of confrontations. You can also try to notice when your teen is assertive. For example, it could be that they're asserting their opinion to you. Point out those circumstances and encourage them to use the same kind of tone and confidence in communicating with peers, and particularly with those who are bullying.
Discuss cyberbullying with your teen
Online bullying occurs frequently in high school, and it’s good to talk to your teen about the importance of being kind to others online. For instance, there have been many news reports about teens who have harmed themselves because of comments on social media. Tell your teen that they should not bully others online or go along with the crowd when someone is being made fun of online. You can also ask them if she’s ever experienced cyberbullying and how it made them feel. New York City-based teacher Anne Morrison adds that if your teen is reluctant to talk about themselves or friends, you may want to bring up stories about cyberbullying from the news, which tend to present both sides of the situation, and are not always so black-and-white in terms of right and wrong. Morrison suggests that you ask your teen what they think about these news stories, as teens know more than their parents about what goes on at school, and it is empowering to acknowledge their expertise in these matters.
The ability to interact in meaningful and productive ways with others and to maintain healthy relationships with diverse individuals and groups contributes to a person’s overall success. During the high school years, teens are learning more about how their feelings and behaviors affect others, and they are gaining a better understanding of how relationships work. This phase is marked by a great deal of personal growth and increased independence, which can have a profound effect on the way that your adolescent approaches their relationships and interactions. Remember that every teen develops at a different pace. Practicing these skills with your teen can help them better understand the intricacies of social interactions and relationships.
At this age, your teen is better able to use their social skills to establish and maintain functional and positive relationships. Your teen might also place a lot of value on their friendships and might distance themselves from family relationships as they develop their independence.
At this age, your teen may be spending more time hanging out with friends, which can lead them to test their limits and your patience when it comes to their curfew.
Your teen might also be quite verbal with their opinions and critical of their own faults. They may also be critical of others’ faults, which can stir up problems with friends and acquaintances.
During these high school years, your teen should be gaining a better understanding of their role and responsibilities in platonic, and in some cases, intimate relationships.
By the end of high school, your teen will have been engaged in more friendships and social interactions, and will be better able to see the value of empathy in relationships. Your teen may be leaving friends behind as your child pursues their life after high school, and your child will begin learning how to redefine their relationships with high school friends.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Discuss the dos and don'ts of relationships
Your teen’s social world is evolving during the high school years, and it’s good to talk to them regularly about their friendships and possible romantic partners. Ask your teen about their relationships frequently and talk to them about the qualities that make up a strong and healthy bond, such as respect, trust, empathy, and kindness. For example, you may want to inquire about what their friends are like, or about the new teen in their class your child just brought into their social circle. You can ask them questions like, “What do your friends do after school?” You can use this as an opportunity to get them to open up about their dating life. For instance, you may want to ask them, “Who do you want to go to the school dance with?” or “Is there anyone in your class that you like hanging out with?” Education consultant Jennifer Miller adds that you shouldn’t be too discouraged if your teen doesn’t want to share right away. If you’ve opened the door to a discussion, then your teen may come back when they are ready to talk about it with you. Miller recommends finding online resources, like the Mayo Clinic’s website, that can help you discuss sexuality and focus on the facts.
Discuss jealousy and envy in friendships
Talk to your teen about jealousy and envy and how these emotions can present themselves in their interactions and relationships. Explain that no one is better than anyone else, and jealousy and envy can only ruin friendships. You can also give them suggestions on how your child can cope with these negative tendencies. For example, if your child feels jealous, you can ask them to take a deep breath and consider the other person’s intentions before jumping to conclusions.
Use the "sandwich" technique
Author and consultant Faye de Muyshondt suggests employing this technique when teaching your high-schooler how to approach certain conversations, especially when providing feedback or addressing an issue. In basic terms, this method involves “sandwiching” the feedback or problem in between a compliment and a positive conclusion. For example, if your teen feels that a friend treated them unkindly, your child could start with a positive comment like, “I value your friendship, and you’re always so nice to me,” then continuing with, “The other day when we were at lunch, you yelled at me and that made me sad.” This can be followed with, “I really want to keep being friends, so next time, just tell me if I’m doing something that bothers you and we can fix it before we start yelling at each other.”
Talk about the qualities needed in the workplace
Your teen will be entering the workforce before you know it, and you can help prepare them by talking about their interests and jobs that may involve them. Discuss these options and the people skills that your child would need. If they're interested in a journalism career, you can tell them that your child will need to be empathetic, to collaborate with others, and to work well under pressure. You may want to explain to your teen that in any job they will need to deal with different personalities. You can also share your own work experiences with them and describe how you have dealt with some of your office relationships. Neurologist and teacher Judy Willis adds that you may want to invite friends who are in career fields that interest your teen to dinner to talk to them about what your teen should expect.
Talk to your teen about responsible online behavior
Most teenagers use electronic devices and social media, and it’s important to teach them how to behave appropriately online. Take this as an opportunity to discuss how the digital age has improved our lives, and then remind your teen how a person’s online footprint lives on in the virtual world, and that almost nothing can be erased once it’s posted. For example, you can talk to your teen about people who have lost their jobs because they posted something inappropriate, and tell them that many recruiters look at online profiles when making hiring decisions.
Discuss cyberbullying with your teen
Online bullying occurs frequently in high school, and it’s good to talk to your teen about the importance of being kind to others online. For instance, there have been many news reports about teens who have harmed themselves because of comments on social media. Tell them that your child should not bully others online or go along with the crowd when someone is being made fun of online. You can also ask them if they've ever experienced cyberbullying and how it made them feel. New York City-based teacher Anne Morrison adds that if your teen is reluctant to talk about themselves or friends, you may want to bring up stories about cyberbullying from the news, which tend to present both sides of the situation, and are not always so black-and-white in terms of right and wrong. Morrison suggests that you ask your teen what they think about these news stories, as teens know more than their parents about what goes on at school, and it is empowering to acknowledge their expertise in these matters.
Responsible decision-making is the ability to make choices that are good for you and for others. It is also taking into account your wishes and the wishes of others. The ability to understand yourself, your actions, how your actions affect others, and what is socially acceptable all go into the responsible decision-making process. Throughout high school, your teen will become more and more independent until they are ready to leave your household. By continuing to support your teen and allowing them more responsibility and room to make their own decisions, you can put them on a path to success after high school.
Your high-schooler should be able to identify legal issues related to substance use, like drunk driving.
Your high-schooler should be able to understand the impact of their choices on others. For example, they should know how picking on a classmate or friend will hurt that classmate.
Your teen should also be able to realize that what is right might not always be popular. For example, they may want to make friends with a transfer student while their peers decide to use the new kid as a target for bullying. If your child chooses to befriend the student anyway, they're showing that they are capable of making responsible decisions. Of course, your teen is still learning and growing. Be prepared for them to make great choices one day and awful ones the next as they continue to develop this skill.
Tips: How to Help Your Child Grow in This Area
Talk to your teen about accountability
Accountability is an important aspect of relationships, and one of the best ways to teach your adolescent about it is to talk about the role responsibility plays in your family. At dinner time, have each member of your family talk about some of the actions they take that demonstrate responsibility and then discuss what this value means to them. Explain to your teen that people who are responsible behave in ways that make others trust them and take ownership of their actions. They also don’t make excuses for bad behavior or blame others when something goes wrong. Tell your teen that it is good to take responsibility for their actions and that by shifting the blame or playing the victim they are only contributing to the problem.
Discuss adult responsibilities with your teen
Your teen will be heading out into the real world before you know it, and it’s crucial to prepare them for the decisions they will make once they are an adult. One of the most relevant topics to cover is finances. Explain to your teen how important it is to set a monthly budget and use it as a guide when paying bills, buying groceries and spending on clothes, outings, or gifts. You may want to help them come up with a budget and talk to them about ways that they can make responsible decisions about money. This is also a good time to have a discussion about paying for college and about the responsibilities of student loans. You can use this as an opportunity to talk about financial aid and scholarship options and have them start researching funding sources for college. The more you speak to your teen about money and the expectations of adulthood, the better prepared your child will be to make responsible decisions about these things in the future.
Compliment your high-schooler's decision-making and support his choices
High-schoolers are making many choices and may not consult you on everything. By supporting your teen’s growing independence and the choices that they make, you’re giving him more confidence and showing that you trust them. The more you give your teen room for their own choices, the more they’ll be able to trust and believe in themselves.