The Family Field Guide Project

How do I make sure my child has "good relationships?"

Your child’s personality is a huge factor in developing interpersonal relationships with others! To understand your child’s typical ways of responding to other people and the environment around them, it is important to understand what affects their unique personality. Explore this website to discover information on temperament and tools to support positive peer relationships for your child. Remember, doing your best is good enough! Childhood is unique and the world is different for everyone. Take what works for you and leave the rest!

Temperament is your infant's personality starter set!

See below for some examples of ways infants differ:

Our Comprehensive Video

What is temperament?

When it comes to the needs of an infant, many things must be considered. A child's basic necessities are important for their survival and well-being. One thing to keep in mind when considering the needs and well-being of the child is how they will react to people and different environments. One way of identifying this is through their temperament!

Temperament, as noted by Thomas & Chess (1999) is how we approach, interact, and react to situations in the world. Individuals have a consistent emotional response in how they respond to different events. There are a total of nine characteristics that contribute to temperament: activity level, adaptability, approach or withdrawal, attention span and persistence, distractibility, intensity of reaction, quality of mood, regularity, and threshold of responsiveness. From these varying levels, three different temperament profiles were made: calm, cautious, and sensitive. It is important to note how temperament (i.e., how your baby responds) can affect their developmental trajectory, as their genetic components can be sensitive to the type of environments they are exposed to.

Children with a calm temperament generally display a positive mood. They adapt to any changes in their environment easily and have predictable eating, sleeping, and elimination patterns. These children enjoy exploring the world with ease (as long as their parents are around) and find no difficulty engaging with other kids.

On the other hand, children with a sensitive temperament have higher sensitivity levels to their environment. They may react strongly to loud noises, bright lights, or any other type of stimuli that may overwhelm them. They may also have irregular patterns of sleeping, eating, and elimination. It may take a little bit more time for the children to adjust, which is why being patient and understanding parents is key to understanding their needs. These kids are like “orchids”, where with the right care and resources can bloom to be their best selves (see references for more details).

Lastly, we have a cautious temperament. Children with a cautious temperament are slow to warm up. They may initially seem to be withdrawn from an activity, but it just takes some time for them to trust others and adjust to new environments. Providing the child with the time and guidance needed will help them confidently engage in the activities they are doing. With the right support, these kids will gradually come around

It’s important to note that each child will vary in their needs based on their unique temperament profile. What is important is that, as parents, we provide those needs so that children can create a secure attachment. A secure attachment is important because it may influence their abilities to make friends, and setting a positive example for the children will help them identify what a good friend is.

The Progression of Childhood Friendships

The development of interpersonal relationships begins as soon as a baby is born! Developing a strong foundation with your child as their caregiver by appropriately identifying and responding to their needs is crucial to the development of later friendships, but it is not the only influence. The information below represents a basic understanding of the development of peer friendships and their importance as your child ages.

Infancy

Children must work out how to maintain the relationship themselves, at their own level of social and cognitive functioning, this means that the development of friendship will look different for all babies! There is no "too fast" or "too slow", just development! If a child has a sense of a security in their attachment with their caregiver, they are more likely to form a similar sense of security in their relationships with peers. This can be even more beneficial if your child begins to develop friendships with other children at a young age. Early friendships can act as a “Secure base” that eases a babies transition into a classroom.

Preschool

In selecting friendships, it is typical that children may select companions who are similar to themselves. This may be reflected in temperament qualities, or activity levels when playing. Children are more attracted to a child who enjoys the same kinds of play activities they do. As with any relationship, conflicts are sure to arise. This does not mean that your child is a "bad friend" or is struggling in their social development, it just means that they are learning the ways of the world, and how to navigate social contexts as they age. Conflicts are not just about possessing objects, they also reflect a new social awareness. At this age, qualities of the friendship do not usually impact relationships at an older age, like trustworthiness or sophistication. These qualities play a role as the child ages.

Middle childhood (6 - 12)

It is around this time that children begin to place a greater importance on peers. Children understand social hierarchies and their roles in them. It is very important to assess the ability of your child to establish positive peer relationships at this age.

- - Do they have friends that they talk about?
  - Are playdates being arranged?

A sense of belonging begins to become essential for child development. We all want to feel like we are welcomed into a space, and have people we can rely on and enjoy our time with!

Adolescents (teen)

Children at this age begin to establish friendships based on desirable, sophisticated qualities such as empathy, loyalty, equality, etc. The importance of being a part of a group also rears its head around this age, as the concept and its importance began to reveal itself as your child makes more connections. These groups are typically established with individuals with similar interests and similar qualities. These groups can result in deeper friendships with the potential for a lot of peer influence which can be extremely positive, and is more likely to be so if your child has developed a “secure base” with you and their early friendships. Depending on the cultural influences of your geographical location, exclusion from groups can have wildly different impacts. See below for further information on cultural differences within the development of friendships!

Cultural Differences and their Impact on Friendship

The above information is selected from Western sources, but it is no doubt that cultural influences and the society your child functions in plays a crucial role in shaping their sense of self and how they interact with their peers. A glaring difference can be seen between collectivist cultures and individualistic cultures

- Collectivist cultures often emphasize attending to and fitting in with others and the importance of harmonious interdependence with them. These constructs of the self and others are tied to the implicit, normative tasks that various cultures hold for what people should be doing in their lives. If your child has collectivist influence, the formation of a group and a sense of belonging may be much more important that individual needs! The positives of this include the possibility of a child who trhives in social environements, or situations where they are working towards a collective goal. A pitfall could be that peer rejection or exclusion could have a more detrimental effect.
- Individualistic cultures often view human behavior as a result of a unique configuration of internal attributes (e.g., traits, abilities, motives, and values) and behavior is primarily a consequence of these internal attributes. This may mean that your child is independent and self sustaining, but compromising and cooperation could prove a bit more difficult.

Whatever you and your child's background, life is unique. There is no "correct way" of living. Nearly everything can exert some impact over you, your child, and their social and overall development. Yes this is worrying, but it is also relieving! Supporting your child and encouraging their growth is the best that you can do, and is good enough. There are aspects within your control, and additionally there are decisions that your child may make, or experiences they may encounter that could exert an impact, but that is the beauty of living as a human being. If you are unsure what to do with all of this information, see below!

Guidance for Parents

Encouraging healthy relationships in children, regardless of their temperament, involves valuable skills that can be nurtured at home. Temperament has also been scientifically shown to be relatively consistent throughout one’s lifetime, so these suggestions apply to those of any age! The caregiver's role is pivotal, as their relationships with their children set the foundation for future interactions.

Here are recommendations for caregivers’ choices:

Perfection is not the goal, thriving is!

With the millions of advice that parents have been given for centuries, there is a pressure to shape your child into the perfect adult. Drawing inspiration from Alyson Gopnik's book " The Gardener and the Carpenter." (2022), this parenting outlook can be seen as similar to a carpentry job. There is pressure to get your building (i.e., parenting techniques) perfected to achieve a flawless job (i.e., child). Gopnik suggests that instead of this stressful burden that is put onto parents, she suggests that people look at parenting as tending a garden. Gardeners can take tips to create a fruitful environment for their plants, but overall there are so many avenues one can take to help their specific plants thrive and to also trust in nature to do its job. Using this analogy, please view these suggestions as tools to nourish your child’s “soil” and enhance resilience against varying environmental conditions. However, feel free to customize and adapt them to suit the specific needs of your child. You have the flexibility to disregard any recommendations that may not be relevant to your unique situation.

Encourage play:

Encouraging play is not only a fun and enjoyable activity for children but also a crucial aspect of their overall development. Play, arts, and sports are not only essential for cognitive development but also contribute to social development by fostering collaboration, problem-solving, and emotional regulation. Sustained attention, inhibitory control, and social engagement in play are critical components of children's thriving and overall development. Research shows that children benefit from unstructured play time and time outdoors.

Broadly speaking, the best type of play is the kind that empowers them to exercise autonomy, express creativity, and cultivate competency. As you embark on this exciting journey with your little ones, it's crucial to acknowledge that each temperament necessitates unique support and play opportunities. The essence lies not merely in the act of play itself, but in the quality and appropriateness of the experiences you curate for your children. Here's personalized guidance tailored to different temperaments:

Calm Temperament:

Calm babies may benefit most from "free-range" play. Allow them the freedom to explore and play in an open environment. Foster a supportive atmosphere where they can follow their interests and enjoy unstructured play. Outdoor play, with its natural elements, can be particularly beneficial for their overall well-being.

Cautious Temperament:

Cautious babies, create a safe and controlled space for them to engage in imaginative and socio-dramatic play indoors. This type of play can help them build confidence gradually. Encourage them to express themselves through play, promoting creativity and social interactions.

Sensitive Temperament:

Sensitive babies, who may have more extreme emotions, might benefit most from smaller playgroups. Provide opportunities for gentle, intimate play experiences with a few close playmates. This can create a sense of security for sensitive babies, allowing them to form deeper connections. Smaller playgroups can reduce overstimulation and create a nurturing environment.

Practice and role-model emotional regulation:

In infancy and toddlerhood, the development of emotion and emotion regulation experiences a significant shift from external to internal processes. So during this phase, infants primarily signal their needs through external cues such as crying or smiling. The transition from relying on external assistance to developing internal regulation skills is crucial for emotional well-being.

In all temperamental profiles, caregivers play a pivotal role in supporting emotional self-regulation during infancy and toddlerhood. Feel free to use exaggerated social referencing (i.e., intentionally amplify their emotional expressions and reactions in response to an infant's cues), adjust situation if needed, redirection, and response modification are essential strategies. By understanding and adapting to the specific temperamental characteristics of each child, caretakers can promote a healthy developmental progression toward internalized emotion regulation. Here is some tailored advice for the three types of temperament your baby may have, when helping them emotionally regulate:

Calm Temperament:

Infants with an calm temperament may naturally display positive emotions and adapt well to changes. Their internalization of emotion regulation may progress smoothly.

Advice: Encourage and reinforce positive behaviors. Provide a consistent and supportive environment to facilitate the internalization of emotional regulation. Model appropriate emotional responses through exaggerated social referencing, promoting a positive emotional atmosphere.

Cautious Temperament:

Infants with a slow-to-warm-up temperament may initially resist new experiences, requiring time to adapt. The internalization of emotion regulation may progress gradually.

Advice: Foster a gradual exposure to new experiences. Implement response modification by allowing them to explore at their own pace, providing a secure base. Use situational modification by creating a supportive environment that minimizes stressors. Utilize redirection techniques to gently guide them toward positive emotional states.

Sensitive Temperament:

Infants with a difficult temperament may struggle with self-regulation and may be more prone to negative emotions. The shift from external to internal regulation might take more time.

Advice: Offer additional support and patience. Practice situational modification by creating a calm and predictable environment. Use redirection techniques to help them shift their attention away from distressing situations. Employ response modification techniques like baby wearing to provide comfort and security.

Foster warm environment

And finally, all children share fundamental needs related to warmth and autonomy. These universal principles contribute to a supportive and healthy environment for their overall development.

However there is a difference between being a “permissive” parent or using “gentle-parenting” techniques and creating a warm environment for your child. The concept of gentle parenting is scrutinized, with a study suggesting that parents embracing this approach use terms like gentle and affectionate. Criticisms occur regarding the effectiveness of the softer approach, as instances of misbehavior may not be adequately addressed.The influence of social media, particularly Instagram, in popularizing gentle parenting and the challenges faced by parents in implementing it, including practical concerns and time constraints. n navigating your parenting journey, it's essential to recognize that creating a warm and nurturing environment for your child is at the core of their well-being.

Rather than getting caught up in specific techniques, focus on the broader goal of fostering a loving atmosphere. Striking a balance that aligns with your values, acknowledging the complexities, and being aware of potential challenges can contribute to a more fulfilling and sustainable parenting experience. Remember that there is no one-size-fits-all approach, and emphasizing warmth and emotional support can be the foundation for a strong parent-child relationship.

Unconditional love and affection

Every child benefits from unconditional love and affection, expressed through physical touch, verbal affirmations, and emotional availability. Be attuned to their emotional needs, providing a safe space for expression without judgment. Acknowledge and celebrate each child's unique qualities and preferences, respecting their individuality and allowing the freedom to be themselves.

Establish boundaries with communication

Establish clear and consistent boundaries for behavior, offering a predictable routine that provides stability.

Foster open communication channels by actively listening and validating their feelings.

Encourage Independence

Encourage independence by supporting their efforts to explore and make decisions. Independence involves offering children age-appropriate choices to allow them a sense of control over their environment. This can look like letting them select their clothes to decide on a preferred snack. Independence also looks like encouraging children to solve problems on their own, guiding them through the process but not immediately providing solutions. Allow children to take calculated risks in a safe and supervised environment, such as during play (as referenced before). As children grow, gradually release control over decision-making and problem-solving. This process allows them to transition into adolescence and adulthood with a solid foundation of independence, self-reliance, and a belief in their own capabilities.

For cautious and sensitive children

Less calm children may benefit from additional warmth and autonomy guidance due to their heightened emotional responsiveness. To tailor your approach, provide increased warmth by acknowledging and validating their feelings, offering comforting physical touch like hugs or gentle pats. Foster gentle communication with a soft and soothing tone, avoiding raising your voice, and practicing active listening to understand their perspective.

Guide gradual exposure to autonomy by introducing small steps toward independence and offering choices within limits. Ensure predictability through a consistent daily routine and by providing advance notice and preparation for transitions, easing the transition process.

Create a safe haven by designating a quiet space where they can retreat if overwhelmed, allowing them to regulate emotions. Respect their boundaries, being mindful of their need for personal space and privacy.

Implement positive reinforcement by celebrating achievements and efforts with enthusiasm. By incorporating these strategies without bullet points, you can create a supportive and understanding environment that addresses the unique needs of sensitive temperamental children, fostering emotional well-being and resilience.

By consistently integrating warmth, autonomy, consistency, communication, and encouragement, you create a nurturing foundation that benefits children of all temperaments, fostering a secure attachment and empowering them to navigate the challenges of growing up with confidence and resilience.

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