Call Me By Your Age

At seventeen, Elio was curious and mature. Fascinated by literature translation and classical piano, he attained the poise and grace of a sophisticated young man. Every summer, his father invited a graduate student to their home in the Italian region of Lombardy. 1987 was the year that the dreamy twenty-four-year-old American scholar, Oliver, was the six-week guest to the family’s villa.

A particular incident when Oliver touched Elio’s arm caused the seventeen-year-old to realize his feelings for Oliver. Soon after, Elio admitted his attraction to the American scholar. Following that encounter, Elio gradually made advances toward Oliver, like kissing him in private, but was ultimately rejected. As a result of this, Elio began a sexual relationship with a girl named Marzia. This only made Elio feel troubled, so he decided to confide in Oliver once again. To his surprise, Elio finds Oliver waiting for him and they have sex. Elio eventually felt guilty for what they had done but nonetheless continued to have a relationship with Oliver.

Life seemed perfect until Oliver announced that he would soon be returning to the United States. Luckily, he had planned on staying in Rome before he left; therefore, he decided to let Elio tag along. Their trip to Rome was filled with romance, love, and sex. Unfortunately after three days, Oliver left and Elio rode the train back home alone. As time passed, Elio and his family received a call from Oliver regarding his wedding in the forthcoming summer. This ultimately broke Elio’s heart and left him lovelorn.

On the other hand, Balthazar was outspoken and passionate at the age of fifteen. His world changed when he met Géraud Champreux, an aspiring filmmaker in his late twenties or early thirties. After coming to Le Tréport to have his movie screened in a local indie theater, Géraud began a friendship with the projectionist who happened to be Balthazar. After watching Géraud’s film, Balthazar fell in love with him. However, Géraud seemed uninterested mainly due to his commitment to a current lover. This didn’t hold Balthazar back. Even after he proclaimed his love for the filmmaker, Géraud rejected Balthazar and questioned his notion of love—highlighting his nativity and lack of ability to understand what love is.

Later that night, Balthazar went to Géraud’s hotel room which resulted in rejection. Still Balthazar continued to pursue the filmmaker. However the following day, Géraud seemed to have had a change of heart regarding his feelings for Balthazar, going as far as holding hands with him. Unfortunately later in the day, Géraud’s lover showed up out of the blue leaving Balthazar to be heartbroken. After a casual encounter in Géraud’s hotel room, Géraud and his lover broke off their relationship. Hours later, Balthazar and Géraud found each other and they passionately kissed. Balthazar’s family invited Géraud to come over and sail their boat with them. During this gathering, Géraud discovered that Balthazar was fifteen and became infuriated due to Balthazar’s failure of mentioning his age to him before. After the boat ride, Balthazar ran away due to being upset over making him angry. Meanwhile, Géraud had to travel to a nearby village to present his film. Once Géraud returned, the two reconciled and had sex. The next morning they ran away together implying that they had begun a relationship.

These storylines happen to be from the films Call Me By Your Name (Guadagnino, 2017) and My Life With James Dean (Choisy, 2018). There are clearly more portrayals of these same-sex relationships with distinct age gaps in today’s media. This brings up the question surrounding queer teens and their fascination of being romantically involved with people who are older than them. Furthermore, queer coming-of-age films portraying these kind of relationships are causing controversy due to the potential risks of glamorizing predatorial behavior like older individuals exploiting their younger partners for benefits. However, if society were to be more accepting of these kinds of relationships and focus on the romantic implications of the relationship perhaps Call Me By Your Name wouldn’t have the depressing ending it did. This also brings up the question regarding queer youth and acknowledging their emotions when it comes to experiencing strong romantic or sexual feelings for people who happen to be older than them. Society has always been fascinated with teenage romances like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. However it has failed to comprehend and take into consideration the reality of a young person’s feelings and attitudes towards love, especially if they’re queer.

Gay relationships are three times as likely to obtain an age gap of ten years or more in comparison to straight relationships (Mars, 2014). Furthermore, a study (Steinman, 2008) shows that the average age gap for gay male couples is fourteen years. In my own experience, the idea of age hasn’t seemed as appealing as the idea of being with someone who is sophisticated which typically comes with age but doesn’t necessarily mean they have to be older. Perhaps young queer people—who have to deal with the trauma and oppression that comes with their sexual and gender identities—have an interest in people who can understand what they’re going through. People who have experienced what they have gone through are most likely older queer people which could be attributed to the stereotype of why younger queer people, especially young gay men, partake in relationships with distinct age gaps (Steinman, 2008).

Both Call Me By Your Name and My Life as James Dean display teenagers who are driven to their older love interests because of their personalities and physical features, not for their actual age. This is also the case in the graphic novel, Blue Is The Warmest Color where a sixteen-year-old girl pursued a relationship with a college-aged girl. The motive behind their relationship wasn’t because of an attraction towards the actual age of their respective partner, but more of an interest into one another’s personality. The attraction of a relationship varies on the individuals in the relationship who could be attracted to their partners due to “finding stability and maturity” in them (Allen, 2015). In other words, queer youth are attracted to people based on their character, experience, or maturity, and those people happen to be distinctly older than them.

However, when interviewing a sample of young gay men who were in intergenerational relationships, a psychiatrist disclosed that “Although these younger men often questioned if their relationship with their father was responsible for their attraction, they were about equally split between those who had a good relationship with their father and those with a bad or no relationship” (Olson, 2016). This introduces the phenomenon of “daddy issues.” The emotional trauma that is caused by the lack of a father figure, which makes individuals look for a father figure in their romantic and/or sexual lives, is socially referred to as having “daddy issues.” The maternal equivalent is called “mommy issues.” It’s possible that queer youth pursue older partners in order to compensate for their lack of paternal or maternal figures. As stated previously a lot of gay men have the stereotype of wanting to date older men due to having “daddy issues.” Psychologists have attributed “daddy issues” to developing at a young age, “Some therapists believe younger gay men are attracted to older men because, when they were boys, they were deprived of their father’s attention and became isolated in their own closeted gay world” (Mars, 2014).

“Sugar daddies” could also be a factor in why younger queer people pursue older individuals (Baker, 2016). A “sugar daddy” is an older man who pays a younger individual (with money, gifts, or etc.) in exchange for some sort of sexual and/or romantic relationship. If young men want to obtain money, they can simply become involved with a “sugar daddy.” The idea of a having a “sugar daddy” is a common stereotype in the gay male community. Therefore, it’s not surprising that younger gay men would pursue older men.

In the current digital age, younger queer people have more access to connect with older individuals through social media and dating apps. A study shows that at least 102 out of 200 “adolescent men who have sex with men” in the United States between the ages of 14 and 17 have reported to use the gay dating app, Grindr (Macapagal, 2018). The dating app’s website claims that “Grindr has grown into the largest social networking app for gay, bi, trans, and queer people.” Personally, I have known Grindr to be synonymous with hookups and casual sex among gay and bi men. Even though Grindr is meant to be used by people over the age of eighteen, numerous underage queer teens have reported meeting older men through Grindr for hook ups and relationships (Orenstein, 2020). Furthermore, every time I've spoken with people about their experiences on the app, they've mentioned how they've been hit on by significantly older men and been offered to be a “sugar baby” (a sugar daddy’s servicer). The female equivalent of Grindr is an app called Her. There’s also other apps available for queer individuals such as Scruff, Surge, and Taimi which all provide queer youth with the opportunity to interact with older individuals.

It’s important to understand that young queer individuals aren’t necessarily surrounded by queer people their age as they grow up. This leads to these individuals using social media and dating apps to find other queer individuals like them which increases the opportunities of meeting someone older. As previously noted, the queer community faces a tremendous amount of trauma and harassment especially as they grow up. Therefore they seek comfort in those who are familiar with what they have gone through who typically are older than them.

However this wasn’t necessarily the case for Elio or Balthazar. The narrative of these stories projected sentiments that felt more focused on their partners’ appearances, personalities, and experiences. Elio liked how intelligent and hot Oliver was and how Oliver understood him. Balthazar fell in love with Géraud’s mind and his artistic craft of filmmaking. There could be a potential possibility that age had some role in their relationships in regards to sexual attraction due to the nature of Oliver and Géraud’s prior sexual maturation and experience (Olson, 2020). Either way if someone younger falls in love with someone older and they’re both consenting adults of legal age, what’s the harm of society accepting these kinds of relationships within the queer community?

The main concerns expressed surrounding queer relationships with age gaps are the power dynamics they could create and society’s view on homosexuality being associated with pedophilia (Allen, 2015). To make things clear, a power dynamic is the way that power is distributed among the pair of individuals in a relationship. Young queer adults have associated the role of age in queer relationships as one where older individuals who have a younger partner create an imbalanced power dynamic. It’s clear that someone older could take advantage of their younger counterpart by manipulating them in order to obtain more control in the relationship. For example, an older person could interfere with their younger partner’s emotions to “get a quick fuck.” On one hand, this does make sense why society would shun these kinds of relationships. If I were a parent, I wouldn’t want my child to be used by someone for any means. Wouldn’t you agree?

Same-sex intergenerational relationships receive a higher amount of scrutiny and discrimination in comparison to heterosexual intergenerational relationships (Olson, 2020). The issue that queer people face in trying to find love is deeper than it appears. Throughout history, homophobia has tried to undermine homosexuality as a free pass to associate pedophilia as being socially acceptable (Herek, 2004). Homophobes have tried to convince the world that being queer is synonymous with being a pedophile: this isn’t the case. While the definition of being queer focuses on one’s identity and sexuality, it never implies the idea of pursuing individuals who are below the age of consent just like heterosexuality doesn’t imply it either.

Even though many people could judge and deem intergenerational relationships within the queer community as immoral, it’s not fair. It promotes discrimination and ostracizing of an already marginalized community of people. Additionally, society features numerous heterosexual relationships with distinct age gaps both on and off screen. Hollywood features several straight couples with age differences such as musical artists Beyonce and Jay-Z (who are twelve years apart) and actor George Clooney and Amal Clooney (who are seventeen years apart). By discouraging these types of relationships in the queer community, people are not only being unequal but are also willing to question the authenticity of an individual’s emotions which is not only morally wrong but also fucked up.

“ I went out looking for love when I was seventeen /

Maybe a little too young, but it was real to me.”

- “Seventeen” by Troye Sivan

Love is allegedly characterized by “sexual attraction, mutual enjoyment, emotional knowing, social compatibility, sensitive consideration, physical affection, friendship feeling, and romantic excitement” involved between two individuals (Pickhardt, 2012). While many of us claim to have been in love at a young age, studies (Pickhardt, 2012) indicate that only 15 percent of high schoolers manage to experience love, which sounds ridiculous. You remember that one person in your math class during freshman year? You know the one who sat in front of you and you swore you were in love with them? Who has the right to tell you that that isn’t love? Research shows that teenagers have “a time of diminished prefrontal cortical control, with the heightened possibility of risk-taking and poor judgement decisions” (Moore, 2016). In lighter terms, psychologists believe that teenagers aren’t fully able to make serious decisions surrounding their love lives meaning your feelings for your math class lover weren’t real.

This isn’t entirely the case. Research and science have failed to explore the sentiments behind the feelings of love that a majority of us had experienced in our teenage years. Singer-songwriter Troye Sivan put it best in his song “Seventeen” that tells the story of how he used Grindr at the age of seventeen in search of other queer people and ended up hooking up with an older man. The song also demonstrates that feelings, like love, which teenagers experience during any kind of relationship are real, even if psychologists believe teenagers can’t fully understand what those feelings mean.

Love is one of the most complex parts of life. It’s not fair to use logic or science to justify whether adolescents and young adults are able to comprehend it or not. People think that teenagers go through “puppy love” or something that closely emulates love but isn’t exactly what society deems as true love. How can someone claim that someone else’s feelings are unreal if they’re not the one who’s experiencing the emotions? Love isn’t measurable. There isn’t a universal rule to what love is or isn’t.

The motif of young people falling in love and everyone around them denying it has plagued the coming of age of individuals throughout history (ie. Romeo and Juliet). Sivan hits the icing on the cake when he claims that he went searching for love at seventeen and even though he was “maybe a little too young,...it was real to [him].” Research shows that the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that deals with moral and ethical decision-making) doesn’t develop until one’s in their twenties (Moore, 2016). However, young queer adults estimate that people are able to start making serious decisions regarding a relationship as early as the age of thirteen. This ultimately shows that young queer people do feel that they have a understanding of what they are feeling during their adolescence.

A study reports that 35% of teenagers ages 13 to 17 have either been or currently are involved in a relationship of some kind (Anderson, Lenhart, and Smith, 2015). Only about 4% of teenagers ages 13 to 17 in the United States identify as LGBT individuals which leaves 96% of teenagers in the U.S. that either identify as straight or left their sexual orientation undisclosed (Anderson, Lenhart, and Smith, 2015). Therefore, the percentage of relationships among queer youth is extremely lower than the percentage of relationships among heterosexual youth. Since teenage love is already viewed as a temporary thing by society (ie. “puppy love”), it’s necessary to acknowledge and accept the romantic feelings that queer youth have due to the fact that their relationships are hardly present in society.

Queer teenagers do not have the same opportunities as their heterosexual peers to engage in relationships. It seems like a common trend for college queer kids to tell the same story about how they only knew about one or two queer kids who were out of the closet in their high school or in their hometown. That sucks since it’s critical for teenagers to experiment with their feelings and take part in relationships whether they identify as LGBTQ+ or straight. Everyone deserves the right to find love. If a young adult of legal age is in love with someone else of legal age and they mutually respect each other, we as a society should respect their relationship as we would with any other healthy, romantic relationship.

If society grew to be more tolerant of queer intergenerational relationships, young queer individuals would be able to live in a world where they get treated equally like their straight peers. Maybe the controversy surrounding the age gaps in Call Me By Your Name and My Life With James Dean could even make society want to give queer teens the resources to interact with people who are like them. Either way, if we all managed to be a little more considerate of these relationships, Elio could have ended up with Oliver. More importantly, Elio wouldn’t have been left heartbroken.

On a positive note, it is also important to acknowledge how society has managed to accept and normalize these kinds of relationships. Today, we are able to see more intergenerational same-sex couples both on and off the screen. For example, Olympic diver Tom Daley and filmmaker Dustin Lance Black who are twenty years apart have been married since 2015 and had their first child in 2018. Also, actresses Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson who are thirty-two years apart have been dating since 2015. Furthermore, the Mexican show La Casa De Las Flores has portrayed a relationship between two men with a ten year age gap. This is not only a triumph for proper representation of queer intergenerational relationships but also for cross-cultural acceptance of these kinds of relationships. As society begins to place more healthy examples of these relationships in the media and accept individuals involved in these relationships, we can manage to live in a world where everyone can love whoever they want regardless of sexual orientation or age (implying that everyone is of legal age).