I have written before about when connecting with students we cannot expect children to have developed all the skills that adults have around emotional regulation, listening, self-discipline and more. When trying to connect with students, we also need to remember that we need to connect not only on their level, but also at the level of their experiences to date.

One of the common things that I used to do as a teacher, and still see commonly today is that we often hang our reasons for doing certain things on the idea that it will be useful to them ‘later.’ To be clear, these things likely will, but these will not resonate with students since they have no real appreciation of it beyond the abstract. Here we are actually trying to connect through our own experiences and not theirs

As an example, when we tell students they need to learn things to be prepared for the future such as ‘‘you will use this when you start working’ or that we teach deadlines because ‘your boss won’t tolerate lateness’ . They don’t really have any sort of emotional resonance with these sorts of statements and ideas. Developmentally, we know that students take a while to switch from concrete thinking to abstract thinking, so despite trying to ground it in the concrete and making it a real world example, it isn’t a part of their version of what the real world is.

When they get older, some students will absolutely get part time jobs and these ideas about bosses and employment will become more relevant to them, so this strategy may be something that they can appreciate when that happens, but prior to this, it really doesn’t mean anything. The idea of working for money that they need to live instead of money that they get for some extra spending, is a foreign concept. Many students do not have concerns about rent or bill payments, so employment is an extra, not a requirement to sustain their lifestyle. As such, the idea that they need to earn a job is unlikely to resonate, 

As another example, first breakups for students are hard. As adults we know it is a common part of the experience of growing up and that it may not be a big deal in the long run. But for someone doing it the first time it is hard both emotionally and in terms of not having the skills needed to deal with it. Chances are, the next breakup is less difficult, and the next less so again and so on. Explaining this to a young person who is experiencing that type of pain and rejection for the first time is unlikely to land well with them. Instead, sit with them, show empathy, be there and understand without trying to reduce it as less of an experience for them. 

When it comes to academics, trying to say they will need to master a certain topic to graduate is often not a good motivator, especially the farther away the student is from graduation. The daily routine of school is so foundational to their sense of what life is that it is extremely difficult for students to imagine life beyond that. As a side note I am also convinced that is why many of the practices and routines of school are accepted, no matter how odd they may seem, simply because it is what students accept as ‘normal.’ 

To be clear, I think that these attempts at connecting are very well intentioned since we are hoping that they will benefit from the wisdom of our experiences. But, if we are being honest with ourselves we wouldn’t have accepted it from others (and likely didn’t!) when we were at that age so can we really blame them when they don’t either? Also, to say they need school so they can do more school may not be a justification for a student who already may be wondering what the point of it all in the first place is!

It is important that when we are trying to connect in this way that we connect through the lens of their experiences. One of my favourites for working through academic struggles is comparing it to a video game or to a maze, since students are familiar with both of these concepts and have likely played or attempted to solve both. When you encounter difficulties academically it is no different than a maze, where getting frustrated isn’t productive. You simply back up to the point that made sense, and try a new path. In this analogy, it is much easier for students to connect this to their current situation since they have experience with both.

Meeting students where they are means being able to connect with them in a way that is meaningful to their experience. While it includes using language that they can understand, it also needs to use criteria and examples they can relate to as well. While things are different for students today than they were for us (we didn’t have social media!), there are still commonalities to the experience of growing up. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the student and what they consider to be normal when trying to relate to them rather than what is normal for you.