Grief

Normal Grief Reactions:  All Ages

Not being able to communicate with my parents

I feel mood changes over the slightest thing

I’m so glad it is over.

I feel as if it isn’t real

Sometimes I feel angry

I don’t want others to see me when I feel sad

I have trouble focusing on school work.

I sense my loved one’s presence.

I have trouble sleeping

I have an empty feeling

I feel confused

I feel afraid

I feel sad and depressed

Physical symptoms

Anger toward the deceased or others

Idealization of deceased

Anxiety

Guild and regret

Poor grades

My friends don’t understand

I forgot the person who died

Denial

When to get your child counseling:

Total denial of the reality of the death

Persistent panic or fear

Prolonged physical complaints

Prolonged feelings of guilt or responsibility for the death

Chronic patterns of acting out

Chronic hostility towards self or others

Prolonged change in typical behavior or personality

Consistent withdrawal from friends and family

Dramatic, ongoing changes in sleeping and eating patterns.

Suicidal thinking or actions

Drug or alcohol abuse

**This list is not all inclusive, use your own judgement.

Quick Answers to Common Questions:

1)    How can I tell my children about the death?

·         Be honest and explain things simply

·         Don’t be afraid to use “died” or “dead"

·         Avoid euphemisms for death, such as: lost, taken away, or passed away.

o   Examples: “You know that daddy has been very, very, very sick for a long time. His sickness made him die.”

2)    What if my child asks “why?”

·         It’s okay to say that you wonder why too.

·          Explain that birth and death is a part of life.

·         Explain that death happens to everyone.

3)    Should my children attend the wake, funeral, or burial?

·         This is a personal decision that should be made by the family.

·         Allowing children to attend the funeral can allow them to express their grief, feel supported by others.

·         Explain to them what to expect if they are going to attend. (i.e. everyone may be crying, including mom and dad)

·         If children do not want to attend the funeral, do not force them to and do not make them feel guilty for not attending.

4)    Will it hurt my child if they see me cry?

·         No. Explain to your child that crying is what people do when they are sad and that it is natural and expected.

·         Grieving in front of your child lets them know that it is “okay” for them to cry.

5)    Should I tell my children’s teacher about the death?

·         Yes, and as soon as possible.

·         Teachers can help by creating a caring and supportive environment for your child.

·          If the school has a counselor, you should tell him or her about the death as well. Counselors are a good source of information and support for your child.

Handling Death and Loss by Developmental Stages

Infancy:  Birth- 4 yrs.

Feels loss or change

Death Concept:  Death as separation and/or abandonment.  Permanence of death is difficult.

Child Needs:  Brief, simple, honest, explanations with familiar examples. Reassurance of safety, parental support, and attention.

Child Reactions:  Brief and intense.  Awareness of effects of loss.  Sub-conscious physical reactions.

Phrase/Techniques:  "We will be here to take care of you".  Death is "when the body is no longer alive".

Pre-School:  4-6 years

Uses magical and concrete thinking

Death Concept:  Death as temporary or reversible.  Feelings of responsibility.  

Child Needs:  Questions answered.  Permission to attend funeral.  Acceptance of feelings without correction

Child Reactions:  Anxiety surrounding death of self and family.  Asking when the deceased will return.  Intense & intermittent grief and then return to normal activity.

Phrase/Techniques:  Avoid euphemisms such as “sleep”, “gone”, or “lost”.  Make sure your child understands your explanation.  Expect repeat questions.  Acknowledge and validate everyone’s feelings. 

School Aged:  6-10 years

Uses concrete thinking & begins rational thinking

Death Concept:  Death as final. occurs to others, not their family Death could be seen as a punishment for bad behavior.

Child Needs:  Reassurance that grief and whatever they feel is normal.  Encourage open communication and opportunities to express feelings.  Encourage to attend funeral

Child Reactions:  Fearful of going to sleep and being separated from family members. Fatigue and/or loss of appetite.

Asking why & how.

Hiding grief to not upset others.

Phrase/Techniques:  

Anticipate and counteract guilt.

Acknowledge parental feeling. “OK to cry” but no prodding.

Accept fluctuating

Grief

Answer questions about death.

Early Adolescence: 11-14 yrs.

Begins abstract and rational thinking.

Death Concept:  Death as inevitable, universal process, irreversible.

Child Needs:  Opportunity for non-defensive open discussion

Child Reactions: :  Reliance on peers for support.

Isolation, anger, or aggression.

Controlled emotional response. Difficulty concentrating in school & activities. Wondering “How should I act?”

Phrase/Techniques:  Recognize adult reactions as well as vulnerability.

Watch for denial and possible risk taking behavior (i.e. promiscuity, substance use)

Adolescence:  15-18 yrs.

Death Concept:  Death as inevitable, universal process, irreversible

Child Needs: :  Allow for peer interaction while maintaining familial contact

Child Reactions:  Adult gender responses develop.

Phrase/Techniques:  More open to expressing feelings with others outside of family.

Existential thoughts. Who am I as a result of this? How does the affect my relationship with others?

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