Expected Reactions by Children to their Parent’s Divorce

Developmental Stage:  Infants (Birth to 18 Months)

An infant’s developmental task is to learn to trust people

  What infants Experience in Divorce

·         Infants become distressed when exposed to their parents fighting.

·         Infants depend completely on their parents.  If you are preoccupied with your divorce

    and not able to provide adequate care it causes infants considerable distress.                                        

·         When routines are changed, infants feel insecure and may react by being fussy.

         Signs of Distress

·         Your infant may sense your distress and react by being fussy.

·         Your infant may lag behind in reaching key milestones in development such as rolling over, sitting up, reaching for things, etc.

·         Your child may show changes in appetite or sleep.

         What Parents can do to Help

·         Keep carefully to your child’s routine.

·         You can reassure your child by holding them, rocking hugging and talking to them.

·         Spend extra time giving your child love and smiles.

·         It is important that your child see their other parent at least every 2 days

·         Take good care of yourself

Developmental Stage: Toddlers (18 mo. To 3 years)

A toddler’s developmental task is to learn to be a separate person from their parents.  This is a challenging stage because toddlers want to be independent and also want the safety of their parent’s lap.  Toddlers seek their parent’s approval.

    What Toddlers Experience in Divorce

·         They are aware of parents who argue or fight. They will often act out in an attempt to make the arguing stop.

·         Toddlers often think they are the cause of their parent’s arguments and feel responsible.

·         Routine and predictability provide security.  Toddlers feel stressed and uneasy when their routine is interrupted and may even feel afraid.

    Signs of Distress

·         Children may show signs of regressing to an early time.  They may have bathroom accidents or want their bottle or pacifier. Regressing to an earlier developmental stage.

·         There may be changes in their eating and sleeping habits.

·         They may start to be fearful of things that they previously were not fearful of.

   What Parents can do to Help

·         Keep as close to your routine as possible.

·         Tell your toddler often that you love them.

·         Set limits. 

·         Make sure that your toddler has frequent time with both parents.

·         Toddlers should go no longer than 3 – 5 days without seeing the other parent.

Developmental Stage: Preschoolers (3 – 5 years)

A preschooler’s developmental task is to learn new skills and develop their own personality.  Pre-schoolers love to be helpful and everything for them is play.  Although they appear quite grown-up, they still have “magical thinking”.

     What Preschoolers Experience in divorce

·         They usually believe they are the cause of the separation.

·         They may feel confused and fear they will be abandoned.

·         They may try to magically “wish the divorce away”.                          

     Signs of Distress

·         Your preschooler may say they think it was their fault.

·         He/she may become clingy and not like separation from you.

·         There may be regression in some behaviors like bedwetting, thumb sucking, using baby talk and tantrums.

·         Your preschooler may become bossy and  try to control things. 

·        They might seem sad. 

What Parents can do to Help

·         Provide predictable routines.  Do not make too many changes at one time.

·         When you leave your child, tell them when you will be back and keep your word.

·         Talk to your preschooler about their feelings.        

·         Reassure your child that you love them and nothing will ever change that

·         Keep the other parent informed about events in your child’s life.  Make sure that you both attend special events.

·         Let your child’s teachers or daycare providers know about the divorce.

Developmental Stage: Early Elementary (6 - 9 years)

The developmental task at this age is to successfully venture out into their world of school and friends.

    What Early Elementary Age Children Experience in Divorce

·         They may have very strong feelings and opinions about the divorce.

·         They may have difficulty at school and their grades may drop.

·         They may act out just to see if the behavior will drive a parent away. They are testing their parent’s love.

·         Sometimes a child might side with the parent they think is the neediest.

·         Sometimes a child will feel they need to give emotional support to a parent.  This is very stressful for the child.

     Signs of Distress

·         A significant change in grades or attitude about school.

·         Crying frequently or otherwise acting sad.

·         Your child may complain about headaches, stomach aches etc.

·         A lack of excitement, interest or joyfulness.

      What Parents can do to Help

·         Be a good listener and accept your child’s feelings for what they are.

·         Never criticize the other parent in front of your child.

·         Let your child know that you want him to love and spend time with their other parent.

·         Don’t encourage your child’s hopes that you and the other parent will get back together.

·         Help your child see that even though your family has changed, it is still a family.

·         Tell and show your child that you love them.

·         Do all that you can to keep the other parent involved.  This is an important time for your child’s development of self-esteem and identity.  She/he needs both parents to accomplish these tasks well.

Developmental Stage: Later Elementary/ Middle Schoolers (9 – 12 years)

At this stage children become much more independent from their parents.  Friends take on an even more important role.

     What Later Middle School Aged Kids Experience in Divorce

·         They may feel confused about their allegiance to their parents.

·         They are likely to express anger at parents for “messing up their life”. Often one parent is the target of the anger.

·         They may ashamed or embarrassed about the divorce. 

     Signs of Distress

·         Acting as if they don’t care

·         Kids may act out by performing poorly at school or getting into fights.

·         Kids also may try very hard to please their parents

·         There may be an increase in physical complaints.

·         They may try to take on the adult role in the family.

·        What Parents can do to Help

·         Model for your children how to appropriately express feelings. Remember, you are the adult.

·         Make a point of staying aware of what is going on with school and friends.

·         Talk with your child about how they feel.

·        Allow your child to be a child and not an adult.

Developmental Stage: Adolescence (13 – 18 years)

The main developmental task for adolescents is getting themselves ready to leave home and live on their own. 

   What Adolescents Experience in Divorce

·         Possible anxiety about leaving home.

·         They may feel responsible for the divorce.

·         They may feel unloved and abandoned by the parent who has moved away.

·         They may worry about money.

    Signs of Distress

·         Changing their plans and moving out of your home sooner than expected.

·         Delaying their plans so they can be at home to help out.

·         Being extremely negative and/or critical of one or both parents.

·         Increased sexual behavior or aggressiveness.

·        Substance abuse, drop in school performance, withdrawal from activities and friends

What Parents can do to Help

·         Offer love and encouragement.

·         Set consistent boundaries.

·         Do not allow your child to change or postpone his/her plans because of you.

·         Tell them often that they are loved.

·          Call or text your teen, send e-mails, attend their functions and sporting events and get together for meals.