WHAT IS CO-PARENTING AND WHY DO IT?

“Co-Parenting” (sometimes called “shared parenting”) is when both parents work together as a team to raise their children, even after the marriage or romantic relationship is over.  This is not a skill that most people are taught, so you may have to do some learning along the way to find out the best way to co-parent in your family.  This guide will give you some helpful tips to start learning to co-parent.

All children need the love and support of both their mother and father.  Parents who live apart can still provide these things if they work together and put anger and conflict aside.

The main reason to work at co-parenting is that it helps children deal with all of the changes that happen when their parents are no longer together.  Even though you may not want to talk to the other parent after the romantic relationship ends, you still have a very important relationship, and it is the most important one of all:  a parenting relationship

Many parents find it helpful to take co-parenting or shared parenting classes, both to learn new skills and hear from other parents who are going through a similar situation.

https://ccwny.org/family-safety-stabilization/ 

COMMUNICATING WITH THE OTHER PARENT

When talking to the other parent after a breakup, you may feel angry and have the urge to shout, or do other things to tell him or her about the pain and hurt you are feeling.  Do everything you can to avoid doing this when your kids can hear you.  If talking face to face is difficult, try using e-mail or texts or even written notes or letter to avoid bringing up old emotional fights.

Some good reasons NOT TO argue with the other parent:

·         Your kids are part mom and part dad, so hearing hurtful things about either parent, especially hearing them from a parent, can hurt your kids’ self-esteem.  Remember that your kids love both of their parents and do not want to hear bad things about either of them.

·         Even though the marriage or romantic relationship is over, you can focus on the parenting relationship.  What matters most now is YOUR KIDS!!

·         Arguing about the old relationship only makes it harder to work together as parents for you ids.

SOME GOOD REASONS TO KEEP TALING WITH THE OTHER PARENT AFTER THE SPLIT

·         Your kids NEED both dad and mom to participate actively in their lives.

·         Your kids will do better and be happier when they have the love and support of both parents, even if it is from two different houses.

·         Your kids need to see that you can talk with respect to the other parent.  Remember – that is their mom or dad you are talking to and they love that parent.

·         You can double check what you kids are telling you.  Sometimes children in this situation will say things that may not be true about what goes on in the other parent’s home – like, they get to use curse words at dad’s house, or that mom thinks that school is a waste of time.  Communicating often with the other parent will help you determine whether or not these things are true. 

·         You will both feel more involved in your kids’ lives.  Staying in communication means that you know what your kids are up to, even when they are with the other parent

·         Regular communication can help you keep little misunderstandings from becoming big conflicts

·         Think of parenting as a job (maybe even one with a co-worker that you do not like).  If you talk with the other parent like it is business, you can get right to the point and not waste time and emotional energy on arguments and stress.

·         Respect, or at least try to tolerate the other parent’s parenting decisions – remember, you both want what is best for your kids.

·         Remember to make important decisions about your kids together.

TALKING TO YOUR KIDS

Helping children understand why Mom and Dad do not live together is hard.  If you are just making the decision to separate, it is most important to try and talk with the while family (both parents, the kids, anyone else considered immediate family) all together.  When talking to your kids remember the following tips:

·         Be honest about what has happened or is happening in the family.  The DOES NOT mean you should go into details about you relationship as a couple.  Make sure to think about what your kids can understand at their age and explain it at their level.

·         Stress how much you both still love your kids and that you will always be there for them.

·         Make sure your kids know they did not cause the split.  They will need to hear this over and over again.

·         Counseling may help your kids (or yourself) deal with the issues.  Keep in mind that your kids might like to talk to someone other than their parents about these things.

SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT TELL YOUR KIDS

·         Do not say bad things about the other parent to your kids or to others when your kids can hear.  THIS IS THE MOST HURTFUL THING YOU CAN DO.

·         Do not tell your kids that you are not receiving child support if you are supposed to be.  This will only increase their feelings of abandonment.

·         Do not tell your kids about your troubles, pain and anger.  Although your kids may be willing to listen and help you, it will not help them.  Get help from other adults and professionals, and let your kids be kids.

WHEN YOUR KIDS VISIT THE OTHER PARENT…

It may take some time for both you and your kids to get used to them going back and forth from one house to another.  It is normal for everyone to feel frustrated, unsure and anxious.  It is easier on your kids when they see their Mom and Dad working together to keep things calm and steady.  Remember they are learning how to communicate by watching what you do.

SOME THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HELP THE BACK AND FORTH BTWEEN HOMES GO MORE SMOOTHLY FOR BOTH YOUR KIDS AND YOU:

·         Make sure your kids know the schedule and when they will be going from one house to another.

·         Re-assure them that it is good for them to spend time with both of their parents

·         Your kids need to know that it is okay to love and see both parents, and they need to hear that from both of you!

·         Work together with the other parent to come up with a visitation schedule that will allow your kids to spend as much time as possible with each parent.

HERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO:

·         Do not change the visitation schedule or time without working it out with the other parent first.

·         Do not panic, get angry or feel insulted of your kids cry and ask for the other parent during your time with them.  Just ask them if they would like to call the other parent.  Sometimes children (especially young children) need to make sure the other parent is still there

·         Do not send your new boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse to pick the kids up or leave them in charge of the kids for long periods of time – this is especially important early in the new relationship.

·         Do not use your kids as messengers between parents (to send bills, notes, or anything else.)  It is very hard on children to be put in the middle of their parent’s relationship.

·         Do not press your kids for information about their visits with the other parent.  This will lessen their enjoyment of the visit and put them in the middle of your adult relationship. It is

·          Do not make assumptions or jump to conclusions.  If your kids seem moody after visiting the other parent.  Do not assume the visit was bad.  If your kids tell you about problems or things that concern you regarding the other parent speak with the other parent before jumping to conclusions.

IMPORTANT

Do not fail to show up when you say you are coming to pick up your child.  Children may remember forever the feeling of abandonment this creates

CONSISTENCY

All children need consistency, and this becomes even more important for your kids after a family separation, when it seems everything is out of order.  You and the other parent should:

·         Set up “kid rules” and “parent rules” to be followed at both houses.  The kid rules will include things such as curfew and chores, while the parent rules will include things like what clothes go back and forth and which parent washes the kids’ clothes.  Parent rules can also include things like respecting the other parent and no fighting in front of the kids.

·         Support your kids’ needs for a “home base” if they want one.  Some children need a “home base,” even if they spend equal time at both houses.

·         Work you kids’ schedules into the visitation schedule so they can continue to do all the activities they enjoy.

·         Try your best to keep you kids in the same school and around their friends.

·         Make every effort to stick to the agreed-upon visitation schedule.

Also remember that as your kids grow and situations change (moving into a new house, for example), you will need to re-visit the rules and make decisions, together, about how they should change.

IMPORTANT: If you have been ordered to pay child support, paying it sends a strong message to your kids that you are committed to taking care of them.  Not only does the law require it, but your kids need your financial support in addition to your emotional support.

 HOW CHILDREN AT DIFFERENT AGES MAY BE AFFECTED BY DIVORCE

Children experience their parents’ split in different ways based on many different factors.  Normal feelings that children may have during the process include:

·         Fear of abandonment

·         Sadness

·         Anger

·         Guilt

·         Loneliness

These feelings may be acted out by:

·         Angry outbursts

·         A drop in school performance

·         Siding with one parent

·         Pushing their parents to get back together

.While these feelings and actions can be normal, if your kids display extreme or unusual behavior for an extended period of time, seek help from professionals.  Every child is different and you know your kids best, so keep a close eye on them during and after the split to see whether or not they are adjusting to the changes

By having some of these things thought out and written down, you can avoid some of the conflicts that are likely to come up at various stages in a child’s life.  For example:

ZERO TO ONE YEAR

Babies at this age are beginning to form attachments, so it is important to minimize changes and disruptions in their lives and show them love and affection.  It is also important that they spend time with both parents so they can form attachments with both.  Signs of distress are: excessive crying, problems with feeding or sleeping and withdrawal.

ONE TO THREE YEARS

Babies and toddlers at this age are becoming more mobile and gaining communication skills.  They are also able to recognize close adults, so they are sensitive to separation.  These kids need consistency in routine and patience from their parents to safely explore their environment.  Signs of distress are nightmares, mood changes, and changes in toileting.

THREE TO FIVE YEARS

Kids at this age believe they are the center of the universe, and so they feel responsible for the family split.  Parents need to be positive during exchanges, keep a consistent schedule, and tell the kids that the divorce or split is not their fault. Signs of distress include toileting and sleep problems.

FIVE TO TEN YERS

Kids at this age are entering school and forming relationships outside the family.  They may try to reunite parents and may feel and act out intense anger.  Parents should develop a schedule that allows for consistency with school and extracurricular activities, and support their kids’ interests in friendships.  Signs of distress at this age include expressions of anger, drop in school performance, sleep problems, and physical complaints.

Ten to twelve years

Pre-teens tend to see things in black and white terms, and so may align themselves with one parent.  Parents should encourage these kids to love both parents and support their kids’ school and other activities.  Signs of distress in pre-teens may include loss of interest in friends, becoming a perfectionist, depression, and isolation.

EARLY ADOLESCENCE (THIRTEEN TO FIFTEEN YEARS)

Teens will often prefer to spend more time with friends than family, so allow room in the parenting plan for this.  These teens need firm but fair guidelines and positive role models.  They may also want to be included in creating the parenting plan.  Signs of distress in this age group may include excessive anger or isolation, difficulty with school or peers, alcohol and drug use, and sexual acting out.

LATE ADOLESCENCE (SIXTEEN TO EIGHTEEN YEARS)

Teens in this age group are learning to be independent to prepare for the separation from their parents, but they still need support and rules.  These teens may also want to be included in creating the parenting plan. Signs of distress may include reduction in school performance, difficulty with peers, alcohol and drug use, and sexual acting out.  If parents are not able to talk, your teen can say, “I’m spending tonight at Mom’s (Dad’s) house,” and you will not know if they are really there.

CONFLICT WITH THE OTHER PARENT

Conflict with the other parent is bound to occur, but it does not have to hurt your kids if you take steps to prevent it.  Try to keep all arguments away from your kids, and do not make negative comments about the other parent to your kids.  If you treat communication between yourself and the other parent as a job, then conflict and arguments should be less likely to occur.  The other parent may not approach parenting like you, but that does not make their approach wrong – just different.  Tolerance of these differences will go a long way toward reducing some of the conflicts, and it will help your child to see that you and the other parent can still be respectful of each other.

One way to help prepare for some of the things that can come up with your kids is to develop a written parenting plan.  Some courts will order parents to adopt a legal parenting plan.  Even if the court does not require it, parents can adopt an informal written plan that is an agreement you and the other parent make about how to handle raising your kids.

PARENTING PLAN: BASIC ELEMENTS

A parenting plan can be a formal legal document or an informal plan agreed to by both parents.  It describes how the kids will spend time with each parent.  If you already have a parenting plan, remember that you can change anything about the plan as long as both parents agree.  If you do not have a parenting plan, you and the other parent should discuss these basic issues.  The most basic elements of a parenting plan include:

·         Determine when the kids will spend time with each parent on a normal basis.

·         List important vacation and holiday times (including school breaks and birthdays) and decide how to split that time.

·         Determine how you will make temporary and permanent changes to the parent plan.

·         Determine who will make day-to-day decisions, and how you will discuss and make important decisions together.

·         Arrange for the financial and medical support of the kids (like how you will split costs of things like school supplies, hobbies and extracurricular activities).

·         Determine how the exchange of the kids will take place.

·         Decide what to do if you or the other parent moves to a new residence that is in another town or state.

·         Decide how you will resolve a future conflict to avoid going to court (counseling, mediation, etc.).

THE LEGAL AGREEMENT

This guide does not provide legal advice, nor is it designated to provide guidance for parents who want to change custody or access.

If you already have a court order for access and visitation and need help understanding it: Get a copy of the order from the court that issued it.

If you do not have a legal order for access and visitation, you may want to contact an attorney or mediator for assistance.

You may see sample New York State parenting agreements at:

http://www.nycourts.gov/forms/matrimonial/ParentingPlanForm.pdf

PARENTAL RIGHTS

Unless the courts have ordered otherwise, both parents have the right to:

·         Receive information concerning the health, education and welfare of the kids

·         Talk with the other parent before making a decision concerning the health, education and welfare of the kids

·         Access their children’s medical, dental, psychological and educational records.

·         Consult with their kids’s doctors

·         Consult with the school concerning the kid’s welfare and educational status

·         Attend school activities

·         Be listed as an emergency contact on the kids’ records

·         Consent to medical treatment during an emergency involving an immediate danger o the health and safety of the kids.

·         Be offered the chance to take care of the kids during the other parent’s time if the other parent has something that keeps them from the kids

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND DURING THE DIVORCE PROCESS

·         Alcohol consumption – limit the amount of alcohol you consume during your time with you kids, esecially if alcohol has been a problem before.  Never drive with your children if you have been drinking.

·         New romantic partners – take care to introduce your new boyfriend or girlfriend to your kids slowly, so they don’t feel as though their other parent is being replaced.

·         Travel – when planning trips for business or pleasure, with or without your kids, keep your kids’ schedules and your parenting plan in mind.

The 10 Commandments of Co-Parenting

The 10 Commandments of Co-Parenting by Lynn Nelson was originally published in Minnesota Parent in 1995. 

1. Resolve conflicts without putting kids in the middle. This requires being objective about your children’s needs (and not confusing them with your own) and compromising when the situation warrants. Stick with a conflict until it’s resolved; don’t let a problem fester and then punish the other parent passive-aggressively or be difficult in unrelated situations.

2. Treat the other parent with respect. This goes a long way toward easing your relations with your former partner. It also provides a good model for your children; more than we are willing to admit, our children imitate our behavior. Disrespect toward the other parent will be played out by the child. It’s important for a child’s healthy development to have respect for authority figures, including both parents.

3. Observe appropriate boundaries. When it comes to your kids, it’s sometimes difficult to tell yourself what they’re doing with the other parent “is none of my business.” But if an activity won’t harm them physically or psychologically, it probably is none of your business. Recognize it’s okay, maybe even good, for children to learn different ways of doing things. It’s almost certain that the other parent won’t do everything your way.

4. Communicate regularly with the other parent. There’s lots to share. When children are small, the other parent needs to know the basics when parenting responsibilities are being transferred. Has the child eaten? Gone to the bathroom recently? Does he or she need more sleep or a bath? When children are older, both parents need to know about school activities, sports events and trips out of town. It’s good to get into a regular habit of checking in with each other on the days when parenting is shared. A worst-possible scenario is that lack of communication could lead to a child not being picked up after school or day care, or important medical treatment being disrupted.

5. Demonstrate positive conflict resolution. Don’t try to hide conflicts when they arise. Children generally know more about what’s going on than we give them credit for. Use conflict as an opportunity to show kids how to resolve issues in a responsible manner. Paul puts it this way: “Don’t step into the ring without taking time to cool off.”

6. Share with your co-parent what you need from him or her to do a good job of parenting. In our case, a regular schedule is important to Paul. He likes to know he has time he can count on with his son, Frequent schedule changes are disruptions he finds particularly irritating, especially when it involves “telephone tag.” I like to know I can depend on Paul to pick up Nick when he says he will. Everyone has different requirements for support. Be sure to be clear with the other parent about yours, and take time to inquire about his or hers. In our experience, guessing hasn’t been very productive.

7. Don’t allow all of the parenting tasks to fall to one parent. Typically, things that are out of balance don’t work well. Work at sharing parenting chores as equally as possible. Don’t hoard tasks and act like a martyr, and don’t expect the other parent to be in charge of all of the communicating, all of the extra purchases for your child or all of the discipline.

8. Be consistent - to the extent possible – in disciplining, feeding and caring for your child. This makes transitions from one household to another easier, thus minimizing the outbursts from children after visits with the other parent. Respect each other’s parenting approaches, and recognize that while consistency is optimal, differences are okay. Children are able to distinguish that something that’s okay at Dad’s house may not be okay at Morn’s, not because one parent is bad or wrong, but because the two parents are different.

9. Help your children recognize the other parent with appropriate gifts or cards. These express your children’s sentiments and make them feel good about themselves when they’re praised for their thoughtfulness. Take the time to help your children make or pick out holiday and birthday gifts for the other parent. Recognizing Mother’s and Father’s Day are particularly important because other relatives aren’t involved in celebrating these days.

10. Don’t punish your in-laws by keeping your kids from them after a divorce. Your in-laws are probably as disappointed as you and your former partner about the dissolution of your relationship. Grandparents can be a child’s greatest cheerleaders; don’t hurt your children and yourself by cutting off visits with them. In many cases, grandparents also provide back-up child care; this-isn’t something any single parent should give up willingly.

Helpful Websites:

Co- Parenting Apps