Relationships

In a healthy relationship, both people feel good about themselves and each other. Someone who really cares about you also helps you feel good about yourself. A healthy relationship includes: good friendship, support, respect, communication, you make decisions together, you have separate interests and time together, you can go at your own pace (including around sex), you have fun together, you can disagree with each other and you feel safe. There are always ups and downs in relationships but these are good things to work towards in all relationships.

An unhealthy relationship might start off as a healthy one. Things can start to slowly change. Things to look out for in your relationship that might suggest it is not going so well: your parter gets jealous, communication is not great, you do not feel respected or supported, you argue a lot, your partner constantly checks up on you, you are asked to not see or talk to friends/whanau, you feel pressured or threatened and/or there is verbal, physical or emotional abuse. None of these things are OK. If you are experiencing any of the above, please email us so we can support you.

Even the healthiest relationships have issues sometimes. If you do come across a problem or issue in your relationship, don't panic... this does not mean it is over. We do know that if problems/issues are not addressed they get bigger. Rather than let these grow, it is much better to talk about them and try to work them out. This may feel difficult the first few times but the more you have these kinds of conversations, the easier they become. Try to pick a quiet, private time to have this conversation when you will not be interrupted. Start with how you have been feeling and give specific examples of what you are struggling with. Stick with what the issues are this time rather than bring up past problems. Make sure you don't attack or insult your partner and listen to what they have to say too. If you would like some help to talk about something in your relationship, get in touch with us in case we can help.

Sometimes regardless of how hard we try to work on improving a relationship, we might come to the decision that you want to break up with your partner. Some things to consider: do your best to break up with your partner in person not online or on the phone, try and have the conversation when you are both alone and others can not overhear, be kind when you have this conversation, prepare what you want to say before you go - you can write some notes if you need to and be clear about what you want. Your partner may not want to talk about the breakup. This is OK. If they do want to have a conversation about, do your best to listen to their perspective but don't be talked out of your decision. It can also help to make some agreements about future contact and what you want to tell others about the end of the relationship. Reach out to your friends and family for support too.

It can be really hard to see people we care about hurting. At times, we can witness some things that are not OK in our friends' relationships. If this does occur, don't be afraid to bring this up. You can do this in the moment if you think it is safe to do so or later on, in a more private setting. Share what you saw that you were concerned about and make sure your friend knows that they can talk to you. Try not to talk negatively about your friend's partner but it is important to name the behaviours that concerned you. If you are open to this, you can offer to accompany your friend to get some support from the counselling team too.

Relationships are complex and they require us to continue working on them to keep them healthy. Friends and whanau can be really good sources of support for your relationships. Talk to others in your life if things are feeling challenging - they might have some good advice for you. For some online relationships resources check out: Body Safe, Youthline, Family Planning and Rainbow Rights in Aotearoa. If you would like some help about your relationship or a relationship that you have been witness to, you can also get in touch with the HPSS counselling team.