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In this article, Sir Phoenix satirically informs readers about the devastating war terrorizing the jungles of Uganda.
The war in uganda
The war in uganda
By: Sir Phoenix C. Robinson
By: Sir Phoenix C. Robinson
The date was June 24, 2015. For the first time in history, the jungles of Uganda fell to silence. Grimacing faces exchanged glances amongst themselves. A once harmonious community became tense and suspicious of one another, seemingly overnight.
They all began to gather. As they convened, the typical practices of shouts of approval and pats on the back didn’t follow. Instead, that same tension carried over. Some began leaving as soon as they had shown up. Friends and neighbors alike all became strangers to one another. What followed were violent raids, which quickly became a regular event amongst what had been a brotherly community. Aaron Sandel, in an interview with the BBC, troublingly stated that they “...used to hold hands. Now they’re trying to kill each other.” What was being witnessed was a war unlike any other. A war only recorded once before in human history. A chimpanzee civil war.
A large group of chimpanzees called “the Ngogo chimpanzees” have been engulfed in a civil war since 2015, according to CNN. These chimpanzee civil wars are incredibly rare and are estimated to happen once every 500 years. The split comes as a surprise to much of the scientific community. The chimps had existed in harmony for 30 years, growing to be the largest known shrewdness of apes. However, that fateful day in 2015 was when the shrewdness decided to dissolve into two separate groups-- the Central Chimps and the Western Chimps.
CNN reports that, since then, each faction has set its own borders and regularly patrols them. The Leakey Foundation states that these patrols can either be along the borders or sometimes deep into enemy territory. Any members of a rival shrewdness spotted by these patrols are typically attacked or killed on the spot. It is reported that the current casualty list of this war is seven mature chimps, 14 infant chimps, and 14 Missing in Action chimps. It’s wars like these that bring Earth closer and closer to World War III. That’s why I propose that we, the United States of America, formally intervene in this civil war. The kind of atrocities in this war are unacceptable and we have a responsibility to step in with the full might of the United States Military.
It would not be the first time that America has prioritized protecting the children, foreign or abroad. Instances like the Cell Phone Ban by the Governor of the State of Oregon, the SAVE America Act, or Operation Babylift during the Vietnam War are all times when America has helped save innocent children’s lives. Currently, the United States is the world police. Whether we like it or not, that is just who we are and what we do. If we want to keep the world safe and, most importantly, the children safe, we will intervene in this terrible civil war on the side of the Western Chimpanzees. Or Central Chimpanzees. One or the other side, but definitely intervene.
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