Counsellor's Corner

Much has been written about the additional strain that a lockdown or partial lockdown situation can have on the family unit. The global pandemic situation has created further pressures on many of us, due to reduced social interaction, high levels of uncertainty, an inability to be able to plan ahead into the future, a significant increase in screen time and increased anxiety connected to personal finances. In short, right now things are pretty tough for many of us!

So, what might all of this increased pressure mean for the family unit? Conflict!! In the article, ‘Defusing family tension and conflict during the covid19 pandemic^[1],’ the Australian Red Cross start off by saying,

“They might be the people you love most in the world, but living in close confines 24 hours a day can be stressful.”

It’s no wonder that reports of domestic violence have increased significantly during the global pandemic, in many areas of the world^[2].

But the good news is that there are definite things that you can do at home in order to manage your own emotions and your interactions with others, as well as to peacefully resolve conflict within the family. We have scoured the latest research in order to bring to you our favourite ideas for reducing and resolving conflict at home:

Listen!

When we feel listened to, we are more likely to listen to the alternative viewpoint. We can make the other person feel listened to by asking questions to clarify their point, by paraphrasing what has been communicated back to the speaker and by using simple, more obvious strategies such as looking at the speaker and not interrupting the speaker mid-sentence.

“As communication is at the heart of every successful conflict resolution technique, the importance of listening and specifically showing that you’re listening, not only aid in the conflict at hand, but create a more open space to deal with future conflict.”^[3]

‘I-Statements’

Using statements that make it clear that you are sharing your opinion as opposed to a fact, has been proven to be an effective strategy in reducing conflict. For example, if I say, “Living with you is a nightmare because you don’t respect my boundaries or follow my instructions,” it is likely to be perceived by the receiving person as a personal attack, which will likely lead to defensiveness, anger and retaliation.

However, if you were to rephrase this sentence with an ‘I-statement’ such as, “ I find it difficult when I feel that my boundaries are not respected or I’m not listened to,” it immediately takes away the accusatory nature of the statement and focuses the listener on how the other person is feeling.

“The I-statement can be a real game changer for effective communication.”^[4]

Collaboration (Win/Win)

This conflict resolution strategy centers on both parties' problem solving together in order to find a win-win solution where both parties benefit from the result. This conflict resolution approach does require a commitment from both parties and works best within an environment where this is high levels of trust. For this reason, it is recommended by many psychologists as an excellent conflict resolution tool for families who are trying to resolve a really important issue.

Whilst a counsellor or psychologist can facilitate the process of collaboration within a family unit, here are some tips to try out for yourselves:

● Set aside a family meeting time, where everybody is calm, and the purpose of the meeting is clear to everybody. You may find it beneficial to pre-organise a later, follow up meeting where family members know that they will have the opportunity to bring reflections after the first meeting.

● State the situation as a mutual problem, and avoid language that might be perceived as criticising or blaming.

● Agree that all parties need to bring a willingness to bring flexibility and creative problem solving to the meeting - you may all need to be prepared to think outside of the box when searching for a mutually beneficial solution.

“(Collaboration is a ) frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. With a win/win solution, all parties feel good about the decision and feel committed to the action plan. Win/Win sees life as a cooperative, not a competitive arena.”^[5]

Conflict is a very normal part of family life and learning how to solve conflict successfully is an important skill that we all need to acquire and develop.

However it is important to note that we are living in unprecedented times which are causing a great deal of additional stress and anxiety for many. If your family conflicts are spiralling out of control, please contact the GJS counsellors (secondary_sss@globaljaya.com) or our Secondary child protection team (secondarychildprotection@globaljaya.com) to find out what help and support we may be able to provide.

^[1] https://www.redcross.org.au/stories/covid-19/covid-19-and-family-conflict

^[2] https://www.cfr.org/in-brief/double-pandemic-domestic-violence-age-covid-19

^[3] https://thedigitalprojectmanager.com/12-conflict-resolution-techniques-workplace/

^[4] https://parentandteen.com/i-statement/

^[5] The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen R. Covey, PTS Publishing House, 2016, pp. 207–207.