“When Everything Changed”
By Tobey Krog
He had driven these streets countless times before. Keiran steadied the car as the wheels traced around the bend, the treads latching onto the asphalt as it propelled itself forward. Every slight curve, and bump in the road, he gripped the steering wheel with ease, feeling the grooves loosely in his hands. It had been only a month since he got his licence, yet already he had mastered control over the sleek beast. He glanced in the mirror. Dark clouds smothered the sky, leaving only the faint outline of the evening sun, enveloping the suburbia behind in a thick shadow. He returned his focus forwards, studying the carefully meticulated houses lining his either side. Vibrant shrubs and flowers littered each lawn, boldly opposing the mechanical anatomy of the automobile as it passed by.
He rounded the corner. A sudden blur darted across his vision. The once crisp spring air was instantly polluted with the stench of burning rubber, the screech of tires echoing in his ears, as he swerved to avoid it. Horrified, he watched helplessly as the car rammed forward, launching the figure across the road, before meeting the asphalt with a soft thud.
Silence engulfed, and for a moment, almost dreamlike, the world paused, as if struggling to process the tragedy that had taken place. The rhythmic thumping of his head blinded him as his mind raced, searching for another way it could have happened. With a jolt his body convulsed, and the sounds of his surroundings returned to him. As if on cue, curious neighbours filed out of their houses, lining the curb and trickling onto the road. Already the shrill whine of sirens pierced his ears. Like tears flowing from heaven, fat raindrops began to fall, canvassing the windscreen in a thick layer of water. He knew it was over.
Waves of whispers and hushed voices swept the corridor as he shuffled along the endless row of classrooms. He didn’t need to listen to know what they were talking about. The cold glares of his classmates penetrate his skull, wordlessly criticising his every move. Defying all advice, he had been adamant about returning to school without delay. He reached his locker. Tattered papers smothered the door, notes and clippings of news articles and scribbled messages, blaming and condemning his inexcusable actions. They saw him for what he truly was; a killer. Each class the squeal of chairs scraping against the glossy linoleum floor filled the room, as everyone scrambled for the seats furthest away from him, as if he bore some infectious disease. The teachers, on the other hand, had resolved to pity, pretending to look past the overwhelming darkness that shadowed him. It sickened him. How could they look at him, treat him as if nothing happened, after what he did? No. He wanted to be punished, to suffer, to feel the pain of that poor, innocent boy whose life he stole away from him.
Night had fallen. The lounge groaned with every restless twist, like a conduit manifesting the torment plaguing his heart. The pale shine of the moon shone through the blinds, exposing him amidst the darkness like a spotlight, searching for the guilty. He lay awake, reliving the scene over and over again. His stomach lurched with every passing of a car, a haze of sounds and shapes flashing vividly before his eyes. He envisioned a woman, mourning, clawing her way towards the body of her child, as if some imaginary force were keeping her from getting closer. The hairs on his arms stiffened, as for a moment, the figure morphed into his own mother. How could he ever forgive himself? And even if he did, what if he did it again? Countless times he had been assured that it was an accident. But that didn’t change what happened. Raindrops drummed against the window pane harshly. He had been thrown in the deep end, only to be left to drown in his misery, choking him with a sea of pain. He wanted to be told how much they hated him, that they wish he never killed their son. But how could he face them after what he did?
The low rumbling of an engine met his ears, and the glow of headlights bathed the living room in golden light. The heavy drumming of the rain barely masked the dull thud of the car door. His heart raced, each beat of his chest drowning out the thundering downpour firing upon the house. Had they finally come for him? He hauled his sunken body up, the floorboards creaking with every anxious step as he advanced towards the door. His fingertips reached the icy touch of the handle; with a soft tug, the door swung open, revealing the dark silhouettes huddled before him.
Goosebumps systematically spread across his body as he faced the parents of his victim. Glistening trails of tears bordered their cheeks, their bloodshot eyes contrasting against deathly pale skin. The father carefully opened his mouth, his lips bending and curving without noise, before closing again, gaping like a fish as he tried to release the words trapped in his throat. Like a statue Keiran stood, limp, anticipating their harsh words of anger and sorrow. He pictured their relentless wrath, penetrating him like millions of daggers, punishing him ruthlessly for his unforgivable crime. The silence was deafening. Cautiously, he elevated his gaze, converging with their weary eyes. The lump in his throat throbbed fiercely. Guilt and shame welled up inside of him, like a dam earnestly waiting to burst.
“I -- I can never bring your son back. I will never forgive myself for what I did, and I don’t want you to either,” he persisted. “Because of me, you will never see a smile light up on your son’s face again -- watch him grow into a man, or start a family of his own. I robbed you of your world. Everything -- all of it. It’s all my fault”.
Every bone in his body ached as he tensed, waiting for their response. After what felt like a millenia, the hoarse murmur of a woman split the air. He almost thought he misheard her.
“It was an accident,” the mother whispered again. “There wasn’t anything you could have done”. She paused, her lips poised carefully. “We -- we forgive you”.
With a final breath the wind died down, small beads of water dripping from the roof like miniscule teardrops, as the storm weakened. Their eyes met, hovering awkwardly, before she stepped forward. Warmth seeped through him as she wrapped her arms around his body, quietly weeping as her mercy imparted on him. The gentle weight of the father’s hand rested upon his shoulder, and instantly streams of water tickled Keiran’s face.
For the first time since before the accident, he cried. Every sob expelled surge after surge of sorrow, guilt and remorse, the heavy burden dragging him down suddenly liberating its tight grip on him. It was as though upon their firm embrace, the realisation that they had already come to accept now hit him. He couldn’t bring their son back. And nothing was ever going to change what happened. To dwell on the past, to let it control and dominate him, would only lead to more misery -- he had to move forward, he concluded. He slunk further into their hold, relaxing steadily. It wasn’t much, but it was a step. Maybe things weren’t gonna be so bad afterall.
--END--
RATIONALE (400-800):
This creative piece explores the theme of conflict through the story of an adolescent accidental killer, following the emotional turmoil and rebound after his traumatic experiences.
Primarily, the internal conflict of man vs self is used to convey the main character’s self hatred and inability to forgive himself, linking to real-life experiences and symptoms of PTSD, grief and guilt (Gilliam & Chesser, 1991). “How could they…treat him as if nothing happened, after what he did? No. He wanted to be punished, to suffer…” (Krog, 2023, para.4). Here, the main character blames himself for the death of the child, shown through internal discourse, contributing to feelings of depression and remorse. This is further emphasised through the use of weather symbolism, comparison and imagery throughout the text; “Dark clouds smothered the sky…Like tears flowing from heaven, fat raindrops began to fall…each beat of his chest drowning out the thundering downpour…the wind died down…[and] the storm weakened”(Krog, 2023, para.1;3;6;8). The stormy weather progressively increases in intensity following the complication of the story, and is compared with feelings of sorrow and anger using similes; it ultimately begins to calm past the climax and resolution, supporting the positive development of the character’s self-conflict. The choice for the storm to only weaken, and not cease entirely, is also representative of the continuing and persisting nature of trauma (Van Der Kolk, 2000). The use of these literary and stylistic devices subsequently portrays a vivid description of the nature of trauma and internal conflict.
In addition, the external conflicts of man vs man and man vs society are briefly addressed to convey the wide reaching implications of such traumatic events on both individuals and communities, and highlight how various types of conflict are often interrelated with one another. For example, the main character suffers social disconnection at school; “The cold glares of his classmates penetrate his skull, wordlessly criticising his every move…They saw him for what he truly was; a killer” (Krog, 2023, para.4). This indicates the conflict between the life-upholding norms of both his classmates and society, contrasted with the main character's actions, both linked to and further contributing to his existing internal conflict.
Combined, the story tells the message of the inevitability and often probability of conflict throughout life, and its necessity in allowing for us to grow and learn; bad things can and will happen, but we can’t let it control who we are and become. As previously implied, this is a valuable message considering the frequency of conflict in everyday life, and is particularly inspired by the true testimonies of accidental killers (Medaris & Snodgrass, 2021). In the context of the story, the lead character suffers emotional consequences stemming from the car accident, of which he could not control the outcome nor change what happened; “It was an accident…he had to move forward…” (Krog, 2023, para.7;9). It portrays the event as tragic yet unavoidable, contradictory to the character’s initial self-blame, and only after the resolution does he begin to accept this reality and begin coping with this trauma.
A particular stylistic choice in the text was to include very little dialogue, until the climax and resolution of the story, conveying the social disconnection of the main character. Instead, the use of internal discourse communicates the character’s thoughts and feelings in a natural and direct way; “How could he ever forgive himself? And even if he did, what if he did it again?” (Krog, 2023, para.5). This provides more context to the reader about the character’s own intentions and perspective, emphasising the internal conflict he is facing. Additionally, the character’s ambiguous physical description intends to illustrate the often ‘invisible’ nature of accidental killers, allows for readers to more easily self-identify with the character, and draws more attention instead to his internal conflict, emotions, and thoughts (Medaris & Snodgrass, 2021).
Finally, the drafting process offered opportunity for feedback, which improved the text’s final outcome. As part of the peer review process, it was recommended that I improve the resolution, providing a more fulfilling end to the character and story (Krog & Smith, 2023); this was undertaken by extending its length and introducing greater description and padding to reduce the abruptness of the ending. Additionally, teacher feedback suggested increasing the clarity of the text’s message. This can be seen implemented through internal discourse, which initially lacked during the drafting process; “How could he ever forgive himself?...We -- we forgive you” (Krog, 2023, para.5;8). This points to the main character’s emotional arc throughout the story, emphasising the theme of overcoming and growing from trauma and conflict.
Overall, this creative piece uses internal self-conflict to introduce a valuable message of overcoming trials and forgiveness, through an emotionally heavy yet real-world applicable story which readers can relate and sympathise with.
REFERENCES:
Gilliam, G. & Chesser, B. R. (1991). Fatal Moments: The Tragedy of the Accidental Killer. US Department Of Justice: Office Of Justice Programs. https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/fatal-moments-tragedy-accidental-killer. Accessed August 2023
Krog, T. (2023). When Everything Changed: Creative Response & Rationale. Accessed August 2023
Krog, T. & Smith, B. (2023). Week 5-Draft-Peer Review and Self Review of short story. Accessed August 2023
Medaris, A. & Snodgrass, E. (2021). 4 accidental killers reveal what the horrific experience is like — and how they've lived with the pain and shame. Insider.com. https://www.insider.com/accidental-killers-reveal-what-experience-is-like-how-they-cope-2021-11. Accessed August 2023
Van Der Kolk, B. (2000). Posttraumatic stress disorder and the nature of trauma from Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 2(1), 7–22. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2000.2.1/bvdkolk. Accessed August 2023