Problematic Halloween Songs
If bashing Christmas songs wasn't good enough, Sean returns this year to expose the questionable details of some of the most well-known and loved Halloween radio hits... in the most sarcastic, lovable, and opinionated way possible.
Spooky Scary Satirists
By Sean Glover
Halloween: the one time of year where it’s socially acceptable to be a witch and not get put on an unfair trial, ridden with fear-mongering, and end up in the inevitable position of being convicted and hung. Fans of The Crucible will know what I’m talking about if they actually even existed, but as we all know, we don’t stan that play around here anyway.
As you may have surmised by the title of this article, there is an assortment of songs that appear on your Halloween shuffle that are rather odd, and some of them that even make you ask, “This is a Halloween song?” It’s not that Pandora just automatically shuffled around some creepy-sounding songs and called it a day. Rather, these pieces were so ostracized from the conventional cycle of tunes that they had to be categorized under their own theme. One that even accepted songs about the idea of some man getting really paranoid about the fact that someone was watching him while he bathed.
"I Put a Spell On You"
by Creedence Clearwater Revival
This song is more hilariously confusing than any other piece I’ve ever listened to because the man singing it hyper-sexualizes the use of witchcraft in order to prove that he’s just forcing his lover into a relationship with him because “You’re mine,” and “I love you.” If I had a nickel for every time that was brought up as a justification for some weird act of romantic passion, I’d have enough to buy ownership rights to the song and just toss it in the waste bin from there. Sorry, Creedence Clearwater Revival, you hit the nail on the head with your absurd band name, but you’re going to have to take two on the whole songwriting thing.
"Witch Doctor"
by Dave Seville
Man, do I even need to explain the crazy long list of things wrong with this song? First, why is a doctor specialized in love called the Witch Doctor? Does this tie into the whole “I Put A Spell On You” situation, too? And why does the Witch Doctor sound like one of the three chipmunks from Alvin and the Chipmunks? Did Simon finally get his medicinal license and use his education to help incel men who can’t seem to discover why they are just simply unwanted by women? And did you know that the “Oo ee oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang” phrase in which we all know and love is actually a depiction of African tribesmen? Of course, when you sing along to this as a kid, you don’t know any better, but maybe this isn’t the best tune to add to your playlist when you have guests that would rather not listen to a blatantly racist song.
"Ghostbusters"
by Ray Parker Jr.
“I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.” Sure, Ray Parker Jr., but let me know how you feel when that “invisible man sleeping in your bed” comes to visit. This is one of the best Halloween songs in town, but I just can’t help but laugh every time I listen closely to the lyrics. “If there’s something weird, and it don’t look good. Who you gonna call?” I don’t know, probably the police? But even then, the Ghostbusters could probably do the job of the police better than that department itself can. Situational dilemmas aside, there’s not a single lyric in this song that supports the reason why the Ghostbusters are so good at what they do, besides the well-known phrase, “Bustin’ makes me feel good!” Yeah, and what else makes you feel good? Huh?
"Thriller"
by Michael Jackson
While this IS a satire article, do you really think I was going to go all this time without mentioning one of the most well-fitting and problematic Halloween songs by the supposed King of Pop himself? There’s no reason to glaze over the fact that the lyrics in this song depict the images and thoughts provoked in the children in which he kept and groomed at his “Neverland Ranch.” This was his place of residence that was named after the setting of Peter Pan, which is evidently related to his feeling of wanting to be young and innocent after he was forced to mature along with his quickly inclining career. However, another part of me wants to mention the fact that, as a kid, I was genuinely scared of the low, gargling voice that fills the bridge of the piece. I refused to listen to it, as it was probably too low for pre-pubescent me to even comprehend.
"Somebody's Watching Me"
by Rockwell
This song has got to be one of my most favorite songs on this list because of how feral this dude gets over the idea that someone’s watching him. I guess, in a realistic context, this would be very concerning. However, in a fictional sense, it’s just straight-up entertaining to listen to this dude accuse his neighbors, the mailman, and even the IRS of watching him while he plays with his rubber duckies in the bathtub. Despite the emotional turmoil this exhausted man goes through, he even has the balls to admit that he probably just watches a bit too many horror movies and his delusions were at the hands of Twilight Zone and the movie Psycho. I couldn’t ever imagine this dude being brothers with Michael Jackson because--by my marbles--this is a masterpiece of a musical composition compared to “Thriller.” “Somebody’s Watching Me”, with a hint of relatability in the narrator’s paranoia, makes this borderline, on-the-cusp-of-being-a Halloween song a crowned winner in my eyes.
If you’ve actually read all the way through this article: congratulations. You win a gold star for using your time wisely in reading the most entertaining piece of literature The Scroll has to offer. If I could hand you a piece of Halloween candy, I would, but unfortunately, I don’t know what candy you like; however, you are not allowed to say: Almond Joy, Laffy Taffy, Black Liquorice, or Peeps. If you like any of those, I take back what I said. Regardless of candy preferences, I wish you all a safe and happy Halloween, and please, if you’re dressed in a really ugly costume and I ask you what you’re dressing up as, do NOT say my mother. I will personally seek to the pelting of eggs on your house before the night is over.
