Throughout the year, Deenie has interviewed various individuals attending Grants Pass High School on the difficulty of navigating life with a mental illness, but how are those students doing now? Here is an update from our first student we ever interviewed for this column. Scroll to the bottom for an opportunity to share your story.
Disclaimer: This article discusses sensitive information regarding mental health that some people may feel uncomfortable with reading. Statements made in this article may trigger those faced with the same challenges. However, the goal of this article is to help those who may be struggling and to shed light on the struggles of different mental disorders.
We all have beautiful stories. This is one of them. Everyone's experiences are different, but your feelings are valid. You are strong, amazing, and a person with an interesting story, no matter what it may be.
Depression is a condition that affects so many people, especially students, whether or not they get diagnosed. When I filled this out last year, I was in a very different state of mind. I know that things have changed and I wanted to show outside individuals, who don’t know what it’s like living with depression, a glimpse into my mind and what a year can do to a person.
I was diagnosed at the end of freshman year. It is now the beginning of Junior year and I don’t think my opinion has changed, but rather I just don’t think about my diagnosis much anymore. There are a lot of other things going on in my life and, although depression impacts a lot of things in my life, I am still capable of doing those tasks. I know my depression is there when I can’t get up in the morning or when I can’t even text back my friends. It consumes my life and I just try hard to ignore it as much as that may not be the best. I’m surviving the best way I know how.
Depression, for me, looks like filling up my schedule in order to have no time to think. Keeping busy. It looks like smiling and laughing till I fall on the ground with my friends and it looks like a happy person who does a lot. But it feels like someone is strangling me, pulling me 800 directions and not having the energy to follow any of the directions. It feels like being on top of the world around the people I love, then wanting to curl up in a ball, sitting, thinking about everything I said to someone in a conversation and fixating on things that don’t matter. It’s obsessing over people I just met, wondering when they will text me back or wondering if they even want to talk to me at all. It’s all of the emotions and none of them at once. It’s exhausting, but sometimes it makes the good days feel so much better and I will take that over anything.
It’s a lot of worry and headache. I don’t remember a day when I sat in class without a headache or not wanting to space off on something. It feels like I am trying so much harder than anyone else to pay attention to the reading, teacher, or assignment. My day looks like waking up and racing out of the house as fast as I can to escape my thoughts. It’s relieving once I step through the doors of the schools because I know I will barely have time to do anything but what I am meant to do. It is also dreadful, having to deal with another day. It’s waiting for hours after school studying or waiting with a teacher until no one is there and the streets aren’t riddled with cars. It's changing my clothes the moment I get home because the way my clothes feel on me are uncomfortable. Then, it's going to work right after. Working on homework till I can’t take it anymore and listening to music to drown the world out. A regular day for me looks like a nightmare for others, but it’s a schedule that has kept me productive and alive.
From what I remember, it was a rollercoaster. It was nice not having to get up or get dressed, but I did find myself staying in bed, not doing homework and moping in my own sadness for longer than I should have. It gave me a lot of free time to do more things I loved, though. There were pros and cons to it, just like everything in life. If I had a choice, I think I would stay in the in-person format, just because it's a bit easier to retain the information being taught and I can ask a teacher a question without having to wait for a while. The hybrid schedule was great for me though. It was rough at first but, after a while, I got used to it. It didn’t overwhelm me and it was just enough interaction with people that I could get things done. I also adored the 4-class schedule. It made things a ton easier.
A lot. Showering has always been extremely hard for me and even brushing my teeth. I’ve been getting better at doing these daily tasks, but sometimes it just feels like I can’t, so I don’t. I used to not be able to tell my friends what was going on, either, because they thought it was gross. I don’t blame them. It’s something that is hard to understand unless you struggle through it yourself. Everything is just amplified in difficulty and it makes the simplest tasks feel as though it is the worst possible thing I could go through.
This year was really hard for me. I had a lot of “episodes” where I would go a while without talking to a friend or spontaneously leave social media. I spent a lot of time crying myself to sleep and staying up not wanting to see what sleep was going to be like because of my dreams. It was a lot of worrying about the next day and worrying about wasting my life. I don’t know if you ever truly get better when it comes to a mental illness, but I was able to cope in different ways that made things easier. Talking to friends and doing things that I loved was the biggest factor of whether or not that day would be good.
I focus on the little things. I think about how the sun seeps through the leaves of trees. I think about how the wind blows through the stadiums at the school and how the moon lights up so much at night. How little we are compared to the world and how amazing stars are. I think about the long drives I could go on and the way keys click on my computer. I think about the way people talk to their animals in a high-pitched voice and the way people get excited when they see an animal. The different ways people laugh and the different jokes an individual makes. Focusing on that takes away the sadness that engulfs my brain, even for just a bit.
There are a lot of misconceptions about depression that I wish wasn't around, but I do think that goes for all mental illnesses. Stigma around mental health is such a big thing and that's why I think talking about it more may help fight against that. My least favorite misconception would be that people think we are incapable or we are unhappy all the time. I can confidently say that, even though depression does absorb my life and mind, the majority of my life is full of happiness and love. I feel as though I can adore things more than most and be grateful even for the things that are "simple."
Love, I know it’s hard, so so hard, but you got this, okay? Life is a struggle. Gosh, do I know that one, but it becomes manageable the more you think about yourself. You are probably someone who wants to help people but please focus on yourself before anything else. You have probably heard that so many times, but for a lot of people, when you start focusing on your needs above other peoples wants then things become a bit "better." There are people out there for you, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. I know all of this sounds so cheesy and useless to be talking about, but you are a beautiful human, even with brokenness and scars. You are a beautiful human, even when your mind doesn't let you feel that way. No matter what, you are amazing. Keep going, okay?
If you would like to read the previous interview done by this student, then please click the button below:
Grants Pass High School Has Licensed Therapists:
Kris Stuart- Mental Health Counselor
Mr. Baxter - Options Specialist Counselor
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Hotline:
US: Text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a Crisis Counselor
They are there to help. If you need it, please ask. You do not have to fight this battle alone.
If you are a student I have interviewed in the past and you want to do an update on how you are doing, then please do not hesitate to email me. We want to hear from you again.
