Mandates, Masks, and Vaccines, Oh My!

In her satirical article, Mariah shares her thoughts on the continuation of the pandemic and recent mask and vaccine mandates.

Mandates, Masks, and Vaccines, Oh My!

Mariah Lumsden

I know what you are thinking. Thank God this deadly worldwide pandemic is finally over. It is crazy to see a deadly virus just disappear like that. Now we can go back to normal. Well, not quite. I have got some news for you. As it turns out, viruses are actually #4lyfers.

Recently, many states are mandating masks again and even mandating vaccines for healthcare workers, teachers, etc., etc,. People have been gathering information from top secret news sources that are run by super secret people. People such as Tucker Carlson, Qanon folk, and you know the rest. This information contains fascinating conspiracies that just may or may not be true. Some people seem to be very worried about this whole thing spreading; that is, the mask mandates. It has taken over California, Oregon, Washington, and it might even spread to the southern states. It is unclear what exactly the goal of these people is, but they seem to be feeling a little bit oppressed. Oppression, of course, does not come from years and years of discrimination and prejudice, it also comes from government regulated medical mask wearing when you just… don’t feel like it.

Photo: Cedric Gerbehaye, National Geographic

It almost seems like some people are fighting harder against vaccine mandates than the Coronavirus. God forbid we let science help us out. I was not aware that science was just one of those things you could opt out of believing in. These people are not afraid of anything other than protecting themselves and others. We have got to stop the spread… of vaccine rates? Vaccines do not cause anything harmful to happen to your body. They do not contain anything suspicious, and they were not created by Bill Gates-- or whatever the kids on TikTok say. I mean, you do not even have to pay for it. But you might have to pay for hospital bills if you ever find yourself ending up there due to COVID-19. People seem to still be thinking COVID might be a hoax, even after successfully fulfilling their strange desire to acquire COVID. I personally have never heard of a hoax that has killed over 3 million people.

Photo: Kai Nguyen, bhphotovideo.com

On top of this, many kids are back in school because of the successful amount of vaccines that have been administered. Can I just say, now that we are back in school, I can once again sit so close to someone else that I am almost right on top of them. This was one thing I really missed. The sounds of aggressive coughing, hostile sniffling, and violent sneezing fits that echo off the hallway walls was something I would often reminisce about during my time throughout the digital era of the pandemic.

I suppose, to each their own. Get vaccinated, don’t get vaccinated, don't die from COVID, die from COVID. It all just depends on your own personal beliefs. So I guess what I am trying to get at here is, if you are ever torn between a silly little vaccine and a silly little mask or a silly little deadly virus, just think to yourself: WWTFFD (What Would The Founding Fathers Do?) I guess we'll never know.

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