CUC Inclusivity Forum - F1: Diverse Relationships and Families

CUC Inclusivity Forum

Canadian Unitarian Council's

Resources for Inclusivity Forum on

Welcoming All Family and Relationship Styles

Prepare for the Forum

The focus of the forum is informed conversation, not education.

In this way it is different from a workshop where you show up to be taught.

It is your responsibility to do the depth of education you need to engage in an

informed and compassionate conversation about this type of inclusion at the forum.

Educating ourselves ensures that those experiencing exclusion do not need

to educate those with privilege or endure expressions of ignorance.

Download site content as a PDF

Read the CUC Polyamory Task Force's Report for a great overview of Polyamory.

2. Familiarize yourself with Key Terms you may encounter in the interviews and resource materials.

Need some help? Here's some sites to get you started:

Ready for Polyamory

Gender Unicorn

Gender Related Terms

Monogamy

Non-Ethical Monogamy

Ethical Non-Monogamy

Polyamory

Polyamorous

Ambiamorous

Monogamous

Monogamish

Mono-Poly Relationship

Default Monogamy

Conscious Monogamy

Polyamorous as a choice

Polyamorous as an orientation

Relationship Anarchy

Relationship Escalator

Comet

New Relationship Energy (NRE)

Hinge

Metamour

Relationship Anarchy

Compersion

Primary, Secondary etc.

Queer Platonic

Hetero Platonic

Conscious Uncoupling

Partners Privilege

Nesting Partner

Asexual

Aromantic

Greysexual

Demisexual

Bisexual

Pansexual

Panromantic

Swingers

Trans Woman

Trans Man

Gender Identity

Gender Expression

Cisgender

Misgender

Gender Fluid

Genderqueer

Non-Binary

3. Watch interviews with UU’s in Diverse Families and Relationships

Out of respect for these UU's who have agreed to share their story within the UU community only, PLEASE DO NOT SHARE THESE LINKS.

Meet Micaela - This video is now private

In this video she shares:

how she learned she was polyamorous
the framework for her ethical non-monogamy
challenges and why it's fulfilling for her
what it means to be a poly young adult in a UU setting
things to consider for the future

Meet Emily

In this video we learn:

her family constellation
why she appreciates youth culture
how listening helps create belonging at church
what makes this work for her
values alignment

Meet Ilara and Lyn

In this video, they share:

the structure of their relationship and family dynamic
practicing boundaries
misconceptions
how they experience church
the misuse of patience
the truth about misgendering and its impact
"family" as a governance model

Meet Danielle and Adam

In this video we learn:

about their non traditional dynamic
what it means for their self expression and discovery
life as a UU minister in this dynamic
gender role stereotypes
using UU principles as a guide
impacts of location
misconception, challenges, and stigmas
how "passing" is harmful
concerns and advice
how Sunday worship can create belonging

Meet Liz

In this video she shares:

Where it started and what it looks like now
how the relationship style fits her values
the connection with UU
consent as a spiritual practice
misconceptions
how choice and chance can influence her lifestyle
suggestions to leadership for inclusion
how true diversity benefits all people

Meet Ryan and Jessica

In this video they share:

their exploration and practice of ethical non monogamy
dealing with the concerns of others
making it through awkward moments
privacy
how it's been at church
how it goes at home
navigating compersion, envy, and jealousy
advice for congregations and members
values within intentional relationships

4. Read anonymous surveys from UU's who are in a variety of relationship or family structures but are hesitant to speak openly about it.

5. Answer these Reflection Questions.

Refer to the Relationship Smorgasbord and/or Non-Escalator Relationship Menu. These are tools that can help people consider each expression of relationship as a separate option to be consciously included or excluded when co-creating any relationship. Choose 2-3 existing relationships (could be friends, lovers, spouses, family etc.) and write down which expressions are a part of each of your relationships? How was it decided that each of those things would, or would not, be a part of each of your relationships?

Part 1: Write down 5-10 core beliefs you have about romantic and/or sexual relationships. Try not to judge your answers but just notice what feels true for you at this point in your life. There is no ultimate right or wrong. Here are some examples:

It's possible to love more than one person at a time.
A married relationship is more serious than a dating relationship.
Sex is a sacred, intimate act.
Sex is a recreational activity.
No one partner should be expected to fulfill all my needs/desires, and its ok to have needs/desires fulfilled in other ways.
I have found my “one and only.”
Sex is what distinguishes a friend from a partner.
You can’t be seriously invested in more than one romantic relationship, so polyamorous relationships are less committed than monogamous ones.
Polyamory is about wanting sex with more than one person.
Women who have sex with lots of people are disrespecting themselves.

If you’re not sure where to start, consider your answers to these questions:

How do you know if you’re giving love in a relationship? Receiving love?
How do you know when a relationship is getting more serious? Less Serious?
What’s the difference between a friend, partner, and lover?
How do you feel about statements like, “I am yours, you are mine”?
How do you feel about the idea of a “one and only love”, "soulmate", or "other half"?
What meanings do you give to sex? What meanings do you reject? Which behaviors are considered sexual and which are not? Does having sex with someone change their significance to you? Is your sexuality something you feel you “give” to your partner(s)?
What does it mean to be faithful? loyal?
What actions would feel like betrayal to you in your own relationship(s)?
How do you define relational success? Failure?
What are your needs in a relationship? What are your wants? How do you know the difference?
What parts of yourself do you hide (to any degree) in order to be in your romantic relationship(s)? Why?
What parts of yourself do you hide (to any degree) in order to not experience societal push back?

Part 2: Beside each of your beliefs write down where, or from whom, you learned them?

3. What is your preferred relationship orientation(s)? How did you come to know that orientation (s) would be most fulfilling for you? Are you currently

practicing your preferred relationship orientation (regardless of whether you have a partner(s) or not)? Why? Why not?

Note: By relationship orientation we mean the style or configuration of relating you prefer. Some

examples are, monogamous, monogamish, open relationship, queer platonic, hetero platonic,

polyamorous, mono-poly, romantic but not sexual, etc.

6. Write any questions you have on this padlet and we’ll answer them at the forum and/or directly on the padlet.

The Forum

Review the Responsibility Covenant. To learn more about this check out the guide. Those of us with privilege, make this covenant to those living with this form of exclusion, so they can feel safer knowing we will be managing any discomfort that arises without projecting onto them.
Review the Community Covenant . We all make this covenant to each other regarding how we will interact with each other during the Forum.

Forum Discussion Questions:

These were discussed together at the forum.

In preparing for the forum you were asked to listen to others share about their relationship orientation(s) and consider your own relationship orientation(s). What feelings arose for you? Discomfort? Excitement? Fear? Curiosity?

In terms of being more open to diversity within your own thinking, what opportunities for expansion did you notice within yourself? If you’re not sure where to start, consider what judgments came up for you, as well as what lifestyle choices would bring up resistance in you if someone you were in a relationship with proposed those things became a part of your relational dynamic. What might be behind these judgements or resistance?

Think about UU culture within your group and/or congregation. In what ways can those with privilege dismantle some of our/their ways of thinking and being together in order to make more room for diverse expressions of relationships, sex, and family?