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“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.”
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
Guide to Handling Grief When Losing a Loved One
Guide to Handling Grief When Losing a Loved One
1. Understanding Grief
Grief is a natural response to loss. It encompasses a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. Recognising that grief is a process and allowing yourself to experience these emotions is crucial for healing.
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2. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Allow Yourself to Grieve: Accepting your feelings are valid is essential. Give yourself permission to grieve in your way and time.
Express Your Emotions: Cry if you need to. It’s a healthy way to release pent-up feelings.
3. Seek Support
Talk to Someone: Share your feelings with trusted friends, family members, or a counsellor. Talking about your emotions and memories of the deceased can provide comfort.
Join Support Groups: Consider joining a grief support group where you can connect with others who understand what you’re going through.
4. Take Care of Your Physical Health
Eat Well: Maintain a balanced diet to keep your body healthy.
Exercise: Physical activity can help reduce stress and improve your mood.
Rest: Ensure you get enough sleep. Grief can be exhausting, both mentally and physically.
5. Create a Routine
Establishing a daily routine can provide a sense of normalcy and control. It helps to structure your day and keeps you engaged.
6. Memorialize Your Loved One
Create a Tribute: Consider creating a memorial, such as a photo album or a memory box, to honour and remember your loved one.
Participate in Rituals: Engage in rituals or activities meaningful to the deceased, such as lighting a candle, visiting a favourite spot, or participating in their favourite hobbies.
7. Allow Yourself to Enjoy Life
It's okay to find moments of joy and laughter. Engaging in activities that bring you happiness does not diminish your love for the deceased.
8. Be Patient with Yourself
Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. Be kind and patient with yourself as you navigate through your grief journey.
9. Seek Professional Help If Needed
Counselling: A professional counsellor or therapist can provide tools and strategies to cope with your grief.
Medication: In some cases, medication may be prescribed to help manage symptoms of severe depression or anxiety.
10. Celebrate Their Life
Anniversaries and Special Dates: Acknowledge birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays by doing something special to honour your loved one.
Share Stories: Keep their memory alive by sharing stories and experiences with others.
11. Accept That Grief Changes Over Time
Grief evolves. Initially, it may be intense and all-consuming, but it becomes more manageable over time. Allow yourself to adapt and grow through the grieving process.
12. Find Meaning
Finding meaning in your loss can help in the healing process. This might involve dedicating time to causes your loved one cared about, volunteering, or engaging in acts of kindness in their memory.
Conclusion
Conclusion
Handling grief is a profoundly personal journey. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and finding what works best for you is important. Allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions, seek support when needed, and remember that it's okay to find joy and meaning as you move forward.
HOW TO HELP SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING
People often say at funerals, ‘If you need anything, just let me know.’ While this is usually well-meaning, it does place the responsibility for asking for help on the bereaved person. If you want to help, be specific in your offer. Of course, how exactly you can help will depend on the individual.
Grief can be exhausting, and the bereaved person may appreciate some relief from daily tasks, e.g. cooking, childcare and shopping. You may like to offer to help them with paperwork, as there can be a lot to sort through after a death, and this can feel overwhelming.
Practical assistance like this can be a good way of demonstrating that you are there for them. Actions often speak louder than words, and when the funeral is over, and for a long time afterwards, bereaved people may need and appreciate both practical help and emotional support.
Websites and Organisations to Support You.
Websites and Organisations to Support You.
Books and similar resources can make a world of difference by connecting with the author, the story's characters. When we see ourselves in others, it is possible to create a sense of connection, empathy, acceptance and help normalise our big feelings that others may not appreciate.
The recommended books below have been read by our staff, the Grief Bibliography is a collection curated by Marty Tousley a grief counsellor and
Suggested reading that might help
Suggested reading that might help
Words carry what they are, and poetry is not just for literary-minded poetry buffs; it can be used in so many ways to simply ease the rub of this life – a balm if you like. I hope you will find comfort and new perspectives in my books and some things you already knew but had perhaps forgotten.
It’s a rocky ride in this world, and I like to think poetically arranged words are like medicine for soul flu. A hug on a page. A glimmer in the grey. A reminder that even in the worst of times, there is hope, there is light, and there are others who have been where you are.
The conventional view of grieving--encapsulated by the famous five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - is defined by a mourning process that we can only hope to accept and endure.
In The Other Side of Sadness, psychologist and emotions expert George Bonanno argues otherwise. Our inborn emotions - anger, denial, relief, and joy - help us deal effectively with loss. To expect or require only grief-stricken behaviour from the bereaved does them harm. Grieving goes beyond mere sadness, and it can deepen interpersonal connections and even lead to a new sense of meaning in life.
A Grief Observed comprises the reflections of the great scholar and Christian on the death of his wife after only a few short years of marriage. Painfully honest in its dissection of his thoughts and feelings, this is a book that details his paralysing grief, bewilderment and sense of loss in simple and moving prose.
I recently finished reading this book front to back and will start rereading it. It took a few weeks due to the amount of time I had, but as its messages are so impactful, they deserve time in between chapters to sit, reflect, and let them shift your inner thoughts.
Bronnie's writing style is simply beautiful, making reading all the more pleasurable. Sharing her meanderings of life, particularly the period of being an in-home palliative carer, holds so many powerful messages shared by her clients and their regrets.
My take-home messages are to do the opposite of the regrets, just be me, get on with living the best I can, and go gently through the day's needs.
Please don't wait till the end. We are here now.
Live it, share it, love into it and above all, be true to yourself!!
The Art of Dying Well is a book I enjoyed reading and certainly lived up to the reviews posted. It is well-written and easy to follow and comprehend throughout. The only downside is that it is American-based, yet the principles of care, communication, and planning cross the oceans. The principles of engaging in support services, medical intervention, compassionate care and encouraging different ways to work through grief.
As stated on Katy's site: With groundbreaking insights and inspiring true stories, award-winning journalist and prominent end-of-life speaker Katy Butler shows how to thrive (even if coping with a chronic medical condition), get the best from our fragmented health system, and make your own peaceful, well-supported “good death” more likely. This handbook of step-by-step preparations—practical, communal, physical, and spiritual—will help you make the most of your remaining time, be it months, years, or decades.
"Sometimes my mother thinks she lives on a ship. She doesn’t. She lives with me, a long way from the sea. Or any significant body of water. And yet: ‘Am I on a ship?’
“’No, Ma. You’re high on dry land.’
“’Oh.’
A unique combination of memoir and medicine, Rowan forensically examines the development of her mother's illness and explores dementia in a frank, illuminating and moving way.
For our February Pick of the Month, the Dementia Australia Librarians have chosen “A Silent Tsunami” by Anthea Rowan.
Find this book and audiobook in the Dementia Australia Library at https://lnkd.in/gUjFey2G
The Dementia Australia Library is free for members of the public and health and aged care professionals. Sign up to access our world-leading collection at https://lnkd.in/gktfw4c
In this step-by-step guide, leading psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff lays out an easy-to-follow path for being kinder to ourselves so we can accept our imperfections, improve our wellbeing, and live happier, more fulfilling lives. [Link]
What has this got to do with Grief? A lot. In our culture, we have such high expectations around time frames and being stoic in the face of deep and profound pain. Admitedly, not everyone travels the road of grief the same, but for many, it is a road filled with surprises and expectations.
The power of self-compassion, giving permission and space for the feelings, confusion, being disassociated and lost, along with a lot of other experiences during this phase of life. Self-compassion is a powerful antidote and loving support along the journey.
Blogs and Articles.
Blogs and Articles.
Who remembers Seasame Street?
Who remembers Seasame Street?
I grew up with it, and for others in my generation it was a staple for morning and afternoons.
This clip is really sweet, and how Elmo shares the photo with his cousin Jessie's Dad. It is these types of things that make a difference. Creating a memory box, or journal or other bits of memorables can make a difference to stay connected.
What are your thoughts?
Grief, is not a straight line, but often a wild ride to learn how to hold on and breathe deeply.
Grief, is not a straight line, but often a wild ride to learn how to hold on and breathe deeply.
Grief takes time to navigate, but the amount of time is personal to you. For some, it can be reasonably 'quick'; for others, the escape from its depths may not seem possible. In our world where quick fixes and emotions are to be avoided, dirty laundry is still encouraged to be aired in private, or not at all; permitting yourself to ride Grief's wave for some feels impossible.
From my readings and witnessing grief caused by many different events, the take-home message is one of being gentle with yourself, permitting yourself to navigate it in your way and time, but seeking help when the overwhelm and depth become too great to bear.
Many support lines are available, such as text only, in person, on phones, and on FaceTime. The organisations have adapted to suit their audience - you, the one needing to express, be supported in a way that works best for your emotional and mental state.
Time being the greatest healer is a myth.
Time doesn't heal; it creates a distance and can help close gaps in memory recall, but it doesn't remove the event from memory or, at times, the depth of pain linked to grief events.
What heals over time is the process of coming to terms, accepting and allowing for all that is and what was, coming to peace, and acknowledging the emotions and reactions that arise occasionally. Give them space to move through with mindfulness practices so they can come and go and not linger any more than is essential for their processing.
Learn coping skills and strategies that help you navigate the memories, feelings, and new experiences. Ask for help, I know, is one of the hardest things to do when consumed with ongoing grief, pain, and challenges, but it does make a difference. Being heard and validated and knowing you are not alone in the journey can open the doors to more manageable moving through.
Reach out to support groups with trained facilitators. These groups or others who have experienced similar situations can help you feel normal and, therefore, safer being yourself in the various stages you find yourself in.
Above all, know you are experiencing normal reactions and responses to an extremely difficult situation. You are not inadequate, inferior, or anything less than. You are having a very human experience of the loss of someone so very important to you, and at times, that someone is yourself.
Reach out, it can save your sanity, if not your life!
If you feel you are over your head or are aware of another struggling, please reach out.
Grief, pain, and deep sadness and overwhelm are crippling, and at times even just being on the phone with someone on the other end witnessing your pain, without words, without questions, can make a world of difference. It has for me. Several times, I have called Lifeline and just cried into the phone. Knowing there was a compassionate, unbiased and unknowing person there holding space for me allowed me to cry even more and get it out. I didn't feel obliged to consider their grief or feelings as I would a friend or family member. I could cry for me and me alone.
National Contacts
Lifeline Australia
Phone: 13 11 14
Website: lifeline.org.au
Available 24/7 for crisis support and suicide prevention.
Beyond Blue
Phone: 1300 22 4636
Website: beyondblue.org.au
Provides information and support to help everyone in Australia achieve their best possible mental health.
GriefLine
Phone: 1300 845 745
Website: griefline.org.au
Offers free telephone and online support services for people experiencing grief and loss.
Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement
Phone: (03) 9265 2100
Website: grief.org.au
Provides education, training, and resources for those experiencing grief and loss.
MensLine Australia
Phone: 1300 78 99 78
Website: mensline.org.au
A telephone and online support, information, and referral service, helping men deal with relationship problems in a practical and effective way.
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