Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time,

Wait. Wait. Wait. Hold up just a minute. What’s all this “Once upon a time” crap? Can’t the fairy tale writers just come up with a specific day the events in their stories occurred? Since they didn’t, I will. Let’s start over, shall we?

Once upon a...Wednesday afternoon, there lived a girl named Cinderella. She was supposedly really pretty and super nice to animals and all that jazz. But, her step-sisters were ugly with a capital “U” and they were jealous of her beauty, so they sent her into the woods with a basket of goodies to visit her grandmother-

Wait. Wrong story. My bad. It’s my first day as narrator. Let me try again.

But, her step-sisters were super ugly and they were envious of her beauty, so they put her to work, cleaning every room in their lavish mansion and even making her re-wash rooms she already cleaned. She was basically their maid. That morning there was a knock on the mansion doors and when they were opened, Beauty walked in, shivering from the cold outside-

Mother Goose eggs! I am so sorry. This actually isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do, so cut me some slack.

That morning, the mailman dropped off invitations for every girl in the kingdom. The King decided that the Prince needed a wife, so he sent invites to every liable woman for the royal ball. Ecstatic, Cinderella asked her Stepmother if she could go. The Stepmother laughed and laughed, a real Oscar worthy villain laugh. When she was done, she snatched Cinderella’s invitation and ripped it to shreds. The Stepmother told Cinderella to go pick all the ashes out of the fireplace and while Cinderella dissolved into tears, Stepmother went to go get ready with her daughters.

A few hours later, Cinderella watched sadly as her Stepmother and her two step-sisters got into their coach, dressed in their finest dresses and ribbons, one sister in pink, the other in green. Once they were gone, Cinderella cried some more-

By this time she should be dried out already.

-until she decided to be disobedient. She ravaged through her step-sisters’ closet, finding the oldest, but prettiest, dress that they own. Once she had pulled it on, she gave herself a small wave in the mirror and twirled, the gold skirts flying around her. Smiling, she fixed up her hair-

Okay, that’s enough complaining from you all. I know that there was supposed to be a fairy godmother or something, but you see children, magic does not exist. She actually stole her sister’s oldest dress so they wouldn’t recognize her. Now shut up and let me be.

Once she looked decent enough, she ran all the way to the ball in her heels, making it to the castle just as the doors were shutting. When she ran into the ballroom, everyone turned to stare at her. She began to feel very self-conscious; she fixed her hair nervously and smoothed the wrinkles out of her dress. The Prince walked up to her, not because he thought she was being rude, but because he thought she was beautiful. He bowed to her and took her hand, leading her to the dance floor. The conductor signaled the band to strike up a new song, a slow dance for the two of them to dance to.

It was very romantic, the two of them swaying in each others arms like they were the only two people in the room. Everything was perfectly fine and dandy, until around midnight when one of the stepsisters recognized the dress Cinderella was wearing. She caused a scene and basically chased Cinderella out of the ballroom. Fearing for her safety, Cinderella ran down the castle steps as fast as she could, losing one of her shoes in the process. The Prince chased after her, fell behind because he was not wearing the right shoes to be running in, and found nothing but a single shoe sitting on the steps.

Picking up the shoe, he swore that he would marry the one woman that fit that shoe. True to his word, the next day he ventured around the kingdom, having every woman try on the slipper. Unfortunately, he never made it Cinderella’s house because by the time he hit his tenth house. He had already found a girl who fit the shoe and he ended up marrying her.

I don’t know what Cinderella was expecting. She must’ve been incredibly short-sighted to think that she was the only woman in the kingdom with an unnatural shoe size. Long story short, Cinderella ended up sad and alone, working as a maid until she grew enough courage to run away. And I am happy to say that the Prince and his new bride lived happily...ever...after. The End.