Experience 3

And I think, like as a student, you kind of get used to the idea that at times you should feel pressured, and I don't know whether that's necessarily a good thing or not. I think it becomes normal that you're like, oh, there will be a little bit of stress when I am going towards this deadline, so it was never something that had been too concerning for me until this one time, I just remember feeling like, it was like I could feel anxiety inside me and I was just feeling really overwhelmed, and I could feel myself panicking. 

It all spiralled into all of these thoughts of ‘I'm not good enough, I'm not clever enough to be doing this’ and that kind of thing. The more I thought about it, the more it continued to spiral, and I wasn't able to kind of sit down and look at anything rationally. I wasn't really able to kind of see how far I'd come. We were still in a lockdown, so it wasn't like I could go on to campus and speak to anybody. I found it really difficult to concentrate, and all of these feelings just felt really overwhelming to me. I didn't know how I was ever going to get past the way that I was feeling. It was kind of, all consuming at the time.

I was living with my parents at the time and I do remember coming downstairs and saying to my mom 'I really think I need to talk to somebody who is like, not you, not my friends, not my supervisors', because they all have that kind of, you know, rational 'You can get through this' kind of head on, which is great and sometimes you need that. But I just needed somebody where it wasn't their responsibility to like, say ' you can do this. You've done this before', but to like help me think about different ways of overcoming this and think about why I might be so panicked and offer some strategies. 

I don't know if there was a specific moment that triggered me to start searching for help. But I just remember thinking this feels more intense than it has done in the past, and it was kind of that comparison between what I've been able to cope with in my academic life before and the pressure that I was feeling at the time. I was just like, this is so much worse than I've ever had it, and I can't really see how I'm getting out of this. 

I started with a really generic Google of therapy and counselling in my area. I thought about going to the university services or the doctor. I knew that those pathways were more available to me. I knew the University had a counselling service and I know the NHS could potentially help me, but I also felt like I wasn't certain what help I needed. So I kind of decided that I was going to look for something privately. And when I saw all of these responses of like people within the area that did all these different types of therapy. The way that I was feeling at the time, I was already overwhelmed and I just remember looking at it and thinking, I don't have time or the mental capacity to work out what I need. 

So I left it for a little bit, and I went to speak with my mom. And I was like, 'I really do need to talk to somebody. But I'm just feeling so anxious and overwhelmed and I don't know how I'm gonna do it'. And it was actually my mom who narrowed that down for me. And she was like, here's 4 or 5 that are quite close by. I think they might be related to what you need, see what you think. And that kind of small intervention from somebody to like, show me what might be relevant was massively helpful. Because I think the scope of what was out there available to me was so big that I was almost put off doing it because I was like, I can't comprehend this at the moment. 

So these therapists had like a little bio about themselves on this site - where their location was, and the types of qualifications and work that they do. Giving myself a little bit of time to look through those was really useful in terms of understanding how they might be able to help me, so that really helped me in finding who I thought would be quite a good match for me initially. So I got in contact with a woman called Tina through a little contact form and she just asked for really basic contact details like email and a phone number, and a short explanation of what you feel like you're going through. So I typed something up about feeling really pressured and she called me back the same night, I remember and it had probably been like 5 or 6 hours since I'd sent the email. 

I was really nervous and it felt strange to me, because I would like to think that I would encourage people to speak out if they want to help, and then it was also like it was almost like sending it made me feel quite nervous and quite anxious for not really knowing what to expect, having not been in a situation where I'd sought professional help before. It was kind of like this unknown of what was going to come back from that. And then I remember Tina called that evening, and the first thing she said on the phone was ‘Well done for reaching out’. I just think that's so important, because it was a massive sense of relief, like something had been kick started. This is also something that I’ve experienced when I’ve spoken to other people about accessing therapy. I have several friends who have asked ‘how did you find someone?’ and ‘what happens first?’ because I think that “unknown” can be frightening for people seeking help for the first time. 

She was really supportive and we arranged a consultation. We had the first session, she started talking through a lot of medical things in terms of things like if I was safe and details of my GP and things. And then we were talking about how I was feeling, how that was different from how I felt in the past and we kind of talked about expectations for what therapy or counselling would be in terms of hours, tools and techniques. She said that it would be a cognitive behavioural based therapy (CBT) for what I needed. And it was just, I think all of that was so reassuring to have that, because it is a bit of a fear of the unknown because I hadn't done it before. She explained what I could expect going forward and that was really reassuring. 

I think from the beginning there was just a huge sense of relief that I had somebody that I could talk to, and also a dedicated time to talk about how I was feeling. The tools and strategies that we started talking about when I started having therapy were really useful. So we were talking about self care and having a routine, all of which had kind of been disrupted by COVID and the pressure of my studies.

It was a few months after I started therapy and we’d been doing some CBT and she read out the first email I’d sent to her, recounting how I was feeling at the time and requesting support. And we talked about how I felt at the present. I felt like a different person, I couldn’t believe that was me. It was a very emotional and overwhelming reflection but also hugely positive for me, to see that I can get through these challenges of anxiety.

There's still things that I try and put in place now. So I think it's had a really long term impact on me being able to recognize and acknowledge how I'm feeling, whether that's a positive or a negative feeling and being able to kind of implement these strategies, when those overwhelming feelings or kind of distressing feelings start to come up. I have these strategies in place where I can be like 'Hang on, I need to take a moment, What have I learned? What works for me?' And I can kind of put those in place. Although it’s not always easy, and it definitely takes a conscious effort to sit back and reflect. 

It was really strange that after I'd started having therapy, I mentioned it to a few of my friends and each of them responded to me with, I was also thinking of getting in touch with a therapist, and it kind of just made me think like, I never knew that about them. I knew that they had stresses and times when they were anxious, but for all of them to have also thought about seeking help,  it was eye opening. So I think kind of being able to talk about it and normalising that we can talk to people, whether that's professional services or social support, it’s really important.

So when thinking about advice to others, I kind of thought about this in a couple of stages. Knowing how important reassurance was to me, I would reassure others that it's okay to feel overwhelmed. I think that even considering asking for help, whether that is asking a friend or going straight to kind of an academic advisor, that it is a really brave thing to do because it's hard to say that we're struggling, especially in a university environment. 

We all go through difficulties. I think University is an amazing experience, but can definitely be challenging. I think a lot of the time we are promoted this fantastic idea of independence, fun and learning. But there's a lot that goes along with that that I think we need to talk about, it can also be challenging and intimidating. We are all going to feel overwhelmed at times and that's okay, it's not a failure. No one will think less of you for wanting to seek support, and I think that was something that as somebody who was quite an academic child, it was kind of like, if I say I'm struggling, then it looks like I can't cope with the work I'm being given. I've chosen to be here so I should be able to handle it. 

And potentially, if you are unsure of where to go, then maybe sitting down with a friend or a family member, if you've got the right support around you, and I know that wouldn't necessarily be the same for everybody. But if there was a friend you can talk to, to kind of navigate what you need to do, then that's potentially easier than doing it alone. 

More about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and what it involves can be found here: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/overview/