Experience 14

The meds basically completely knocked me out and I literally wasn't able to go back to uni the next term, like in January. So I was really stressed about that and really worried about what was going on. I was just really stressed about what was going to happen with uni because I couldn't do anything, like I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom. 

So I got through the first year, and then second year, I think something that made it worse were some of the people I was living with. They would talk about their mental health and go ‘I'm doing really bad at the moment, can you help me?’ And I'm like ‘yeah, sure I can help you’. Then, if I turn around and ask the same from them, they are like, ‘oh no, I can't deal with it’. So it was very 'I have problems. You can't have them as well'. I've had depression for about a decade now and it was only really that year did I start going oh, that actually might be depression. So it was a lot of stuff at once.

I was having breakdowns almost daily to the point that I couldn't get to my lectures even though they were online, I could've just set the laptop up next to me but I just couldn't. And like I wasn't leaving the house to go to the food shop and things like that. So my brain went 'oh, okay, maybe something is actually wrong', not just ‘oh no, everything's wrong in the world, and it's all your fault’, I don't know if that makes sense? But just like where your brain goes with anxiety is it's all my fault and obviously I've done something that's made that happen. I got officially diagnosed with my GP and then suddenly went oh, maybe there is something that I can actually get help with.

I emailed my academic advisor because I was literally unable to attend lectures. So it started with me, sort of emailing them going, this is what's going on, I can't attend lectures at the moment, or if I can, then I will be in and out of consciousness while I'm in the lectures. Because at that point, I was just completely burnt out. I'd spent so many years just pushing it away and going, ‘No, that's just what life is’. So I emailed my academic advisor saying I need a bit of support from you guys. He then suggested that I talk to the student support Coordinator for the Department. 

So I contacted her, and sort of went through what was going on. We had a couple of meetings and it actually turned out that I just needed to drop out for that semester because I would've had assignments coming up like presentations and stuff, and I wasn't able to get the prep work done in time. So she then started the process of okay, we're going to take some time out, How's that gonna work? What do you need to do? What do I need to do? kind of thing.The break gave me time, I could just relax a bit and just take back myself and not have to worry about uni. On reflection, dropping out was the only way forward for me. I think, even if I just got some month extensions or something, it wouldn't quite have worked for me because it ended up that I was burnt out for about 6 months. So the student support coordinator suggesting temporary withdrawal was a hundred percent the right way to go for me and it just worked.

So I took the time out and came back as a part time student, which was another suggestion that the student support coordinator had to help me get back into it and allow myself time to  look after myself a bit more as well while I'm studying. I genuinely don't know how I functioned as a full time student, I don't know how other people function as full time students. Like even if I remove things like work, societies and everything that I do outside of just studying, I still don't know how they do it, I couldn’t do it.

The most positive thing for me was recognising that actually, there is help that actually works for me. And people are actually happy to give that help. It's like you're not going to be looked down on because you've gone 'oh I need a bit of help'. The way I've been brought up is like other people's problems are way bigger than yours. Yours do not really matter in the grand scheme of things which is obviously not a great perspective to have. But realising that the university can help and will help, like I genuinely wouldn't have come back after time off had it not been for my academic advisor and the students support Coordinator so, quite honestly I think that says a lot.

I think even if you aren't a hundred percent sure that you need the help, just ask. Because the worst thing that can happen is you get the help, and you go 'Oh, actually, I'm doing better than I thought'. Whereas if you don't ask for help, then you might just keep going downhill or you might not achieve your best while you're at Uni and stuff like that. It's just going to improve your experience a hundred percent.

More about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and what it involves can be found here: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/overview/