Ingredients:
One hungry teenager
At least 12 dollars of your parent’s money
One car
A team of underpaid, overworked, and bored teenagers
One McDonalds
Directions:
Drive into the McDonalds drive through.
Read the menu, and order the largest (and most expensive) meal possible.
Wait while your parent pays for your exorbitant food.
Collect your car’s food baggie.
Distribute three meals, three fries, and three drinks to your carmates with just two hands.
If someone’s order is messed up, or someone doesn’t like their meal (especially if that someone is younger), put your headphones on and tune out the drama.
If that someone is you, if you can, go back and complain to the manager like a total Karen. If not, eat your food in brooding silence, but use the fact that you didn’t get what you want to mooch fries off everyone else.
Once the food has been distributed, and everyone is at least at peace with what they got, enjoy your “quality” meal! It’s all you’re going to get for the next few hours!
Ah, good old McInedible. Truly, no deeper cultural recipe or dish exists. I’m sure if I looked around in my family history, I could find something, but I’m about as white and American as you can get. There’s not a diverse gene in my body.
And yes, I know choosing McDonalds is silly. And yes, I know it’s not what the assignment is. But bear with me.
Love,
Riley Little, The Great and Illustrious, Master of the 76 Sacred Monkey Forms, and President of the Royal Cowboy Laser Ninja Astronaut Jedi Waifu Alien Assassin Princess Batman Society
~~~~~~~~~
After a lifetime of exploring the vicious suburban jungle, I had finally found it!
The legendary Mega McDonalds! Ancient myth has it that this McDonalds would give you access to not just any McDonalds in the world, but any McDonalds in the past! You could eat at the first McDonalds ever, and try the first Big Mac ever! For a man who loves his McDonalds, this was better than Heaven.
I staggered up to it, Boy Scout uniform hanging around my body like a loose sheet. And there it shone in front of me! The great golden arches rose from the ground like a mountain, or an archangel! When I reached it, I reverently bowed and kissed its base.
The smell of McDonalds was overwhelming my hunger shot nerves, so I cut my prayer short and bashed the doors open.
And then I was…well…I wasn’t really sure where I was now. It looked like a plain old McDonalds to me. Everything seemed shorter, for some reason, and my uniform was crisp and clean. I remembered my iPod was in the car, and I was really looking forward to listening to some more music through Geometry Dash.
But I don’t use my iPod on trips anymore. Wait, this has to be the past, doesn’t it. This is the McDonalds I stopped at on the way back home from Camp Easton. God, *that* was a trip. 8 hours. Hoo-we.
I don’t even remember half of these people. They all look like blurs. I can see some old faces, like Ayden, my old Troop Guide and resident weirdo. Geez. It’s been so long I’m surprised I can see some of my old friends here.
“Hey. Are you going to order, or not?”
“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.” My mom had given me 20 dollars for the trading post and food on the drive there. I had spent most of it on this special bacon onion ring goodness that made my brain melt in happiness. I missed it. I missed it a lot.
I wanted another one, but-I was short a dollar! Crap! I really wanted that burger though…
“I’m a buck short…”
“Here you go.” Someone behind me, a fellow scouter dressed in full class A, gave me a dollar.
“Oh, wow, thanks. Do you want me to pay you back later-”
“Don’t worry about it…”
I tried to focus on his face, tried to remember his name, but it all looked so blurry.
Before I could make my order, the McDonalds swirled around me, and I was dropped in the middle of a car. I still had my class As, but I was a bit taller now. It was a large minivan, with people packed butt to butt. I was stuffed in the window seat, where I barely had any legroom. I still had the dusty old iPod, complete with ambient tunes to chill out to during the long drive. It was so cramped I had to keep my McDonalds on my lap. It was a nice quarter pounder. Nothing special, but it was still pretty dang good.
“Hey, James. Are you happy yet?” I asked James. James’ face was crystal clear. His curly brown hair and freckles still stood out, mostly because I had seen him just a few days ago. He had a happy meal in his lap.
“I’m working on it. I’m working on it.”
Wait, this is the kidnap campout! I remember this drive. I was with Sydney, James, Hunter, Mr. Smith, and uhhh… A sudden jab of longing surged through me. God, I miss these people. We talked about all kinds of weird crap during the drive. It was nice being around a group of friends, a group where I could just be myself. I…miss these people. What we had going can’t be replicated.
The car started to blur. No! Wait! I want to talk! I want to talk to my friends for just a little bit long-
“…if you tell a big enough lie long enough, people will start to believe it.” Dad said. Dad? It has to be him! It is him! I was sitting next to my Dad in his trash-riddled car. No one else was there, blessedly, save for the majestic mountains that soared high above my head, and the gentle setting of the sun behind us. I had an actual phone now, and I was listening to Ourdom, by Solar Fields, a majestic orchestral ambient album. Perfect for driving through a mountain range.
I had a half-eaten double quarter pounder in my hand. An audiobook about the Holocaust was playing quietly in the background. Dad’s face was clearer than anyone’s.
“Dad, this might be off topic, but I have a question.”
“Go ahead.”
“How do you deal with loss? Like, a friend drifted apart from you or something.”
“You kinda don’t. If you lose someone close to you, it’s always going to suck.”
“Yeah…”
“Riley! Riley!” Someone was calling my name from above. “Riley! Wake up!”
Huh? What? That was all just a dream? Darn. Everything felt groggy. My head was on a hard table, and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. A half eaten burger was in my hand. “Hey! Riley. Why did you fall asleep there?”
“Just stayed up too late doing homework.” I pulled my head up. I was in a McDonalds somewhere, sitting at a table. A group of young scouts were sitting around the tables. I wasn’t quite sure where we were going, or where this McDonalds was. It looked to be around the evening, but I couldn’t have said when.
I looked at the burger in my hand. What do I do now? How can I go back? These people were wonderful, and just looking at this burger, this stupid, greasy McDonalds burger, makes me desperately wish they were here. Without them, these old friends, it feels like there’s a hole in me.
One of the younger scouts piped up. “Riley? Can I have your fries?”
“I suppose so.” I spun the fry carton around so that we could share.
“Thank you!” An idea then came to my mind. A wicked, devious idea…
“So, do any of you know who invented the wheel?” Everyone shook their heads. “Alright, well, I’m about to tell you, and believe me, it's quite the story.
“It’s a little known fact that the wheel was invented about five thousand years ago by a caveman named Dave. Now Dave…” I could tell some of them were falling for my story, and it brought me a sense of perverse glee that I would shape their worldview for years to come.
I took a bite of my burger.
It tasted exactly as it had 5 years ago.