Knowing
What does this capacity mean or involve?
Being
What sensibilities, characteristics, and priorities are cultivated?
Doing
What actions are called for? What would this look like in practice
Acknowledging conflict, controversy, and dissent as opportunities for new insight, or new direction or deeper relationships.
Disagreeing with others in a spirit of curiosity and learning.
Disagreeing or dissenting from the norm without dehumanizing others.
Openness
Recognition of the importance and creative potential of dissent/disagreement
Vulnerability
Generosity of spirit
Curiosity
Courage
Conviction
Creativity
Communication
Readiness for difficult conversations
Mediation/conflict resolution skills
Relationship
Articulating one’s truth
Welcoming dissenting perspectives and different points of view
Learning from conflict while protecting vulnerable populations
Using difference as a point of strength, creative intervention, and growth and direction
Acknowledging the fundamental humanity and dignity of those with whom you disagree
Learning from mistakes
Ongoing training and development around mediation, conflict resolution, and difficult conversations
Key Distinction
Conflict
“...an argumentative environment of power, debate, and competition.”
Controversy
“...a safe supportive environment of trust, respect and collaboration shaped by mutual inquiry and shared learning.”
Alvarez, C. (2017). Controversy with civility. In S.R. Komives, W. Wagner, & Associates (Eds.), Leadership for a better world: Understanding the Social Change Model of Leadership Development (2nd Ed.; pp. 149-170). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Tools for Navigating Conflict
LARA
The LARA (Listen, Affirm, Respond, Ask) Model (Tinker, 2004) is a tool for establishing and building on common ground to facilitate difficult conversations. The SPARQ Tools site at Stanford University offers a guide for using the LARA model to structure conversation of challenging topics.
Non-Violent Communication
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was founded by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg to help people have controversial conversations by encouraging sharing from the heart, seeing the full humanity in the other, and empowering each person to ask for what they need. At its core NVC is communication rooted in compassion. NVC has been an effective communication method for decades and is being practiced in 65 countries.
How to Have an Effective Conversation
Sanni McCandless’s framework for “How to Have an Effective Conversation” is based on her training and experiences as a transition coach and outdoor specialist. A part of Outwild, an organization focused on providing events that inspire “outdoor value-driven lifestyles”, She uses natural metaphors and life design to help individuals “achieve lifelong goals by learning to communicate honestly and putting an end to fear-based decision making.” A workshop on the approach can be found here.
Resources
Better Conversation: A Starter Guide
Civil Conversations & Social Healing
Eberhardt, Jennifer L., and EBSCOhost. Biased: Uncovering the Hidden Prejudice that Shapes what we See, Think, and do. Viking, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York, 2019.
Grant, Adam M., and EBSCOhost. Think again: The Power of Knowing what You Don't Know. Viking, New York, NY, 2021.
Adam Grant's Three Simple Rules:
Argue like you’re right. Listen like you’re wrong.
Argue to learn, not to win.
Acknowledge when your companion makes a good point.
BONUS - Admit your limitations when you recognize them.
Gabor Maté – Authenticity vs. Attachment
ARC Peer Educator Training on Active Listening, Motivational Interviewing (created by Daniel Sanford)
How to Argue, Better (Guardian)
Controversy Workshop (90 minutes)
Difficult Conversations – How to Discuss What Matters Most
Goals
. Decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation
. Interpret the significance of what is said – and what is not
. Raise tough issues without triggering defensiveness
. Manage strong emotions – yours and theirs
. Stay balanced regardless of how the other person responds
Materials
· Flip chart paper/markers
Outline
Part 1 (20 minutes)
· Introductions
· Invite students to take the conflict management self-assessment (https://facultyombuds.ncsu.edu/files/2015/11/Conflict-management-styles-quiz.pdf)
Part 2 (15 minutes)
Have students to get into pairs, or groups based on their management styles to consider/discuss the following questions (feel free to add/eliminate questions). Create posters based on answers.
. Define the word “conflict”
· Attributes of your conflict management style
· Negative qualities
· Factors that may have caused you to behave in this way
Part 3 (10 minutes)
Share out of posters to whole group (or make larger groups to share answers)
Part 4 (15 minutes)
Students should now form different groups with different types/styles.
1) CHALLENGING SITUATION: One person at each table shares a challenging situation. This may be related to work or not. Please share only up to your comfort level. Do not share anything regarding anyone who may be present in the room and please do not use names if referring to a work situation. (3 minutes).
2) FEELING CARDS: Split the feelings cards among those at the table who did not share a challenging situation. Each person should go through their feelings cards and identify those which may seem to apply to the person who shared their story. (2 minutes).
The person who shared their story will then identify those cards they feel most resonate with them. (2 Minutes).
3) NEEDS CARDS: Split the needs cards among those at the table who did not share a challenging situation. Each person should go through their needs cards and identify those which may seem to apply to the person who shared their story. (2 minutes).
The person who shared their story will then identify those cards they feel most resonate with them. (2 Minutes).
Part 5 (15 minutes)
Open discussion
· What are some things you learned about yourself and/or others in this process?
· What are some things that might be problematic about doing assessments such as this one?
· Discuss how this might be helpful in this situation and how this exercise might be useful in other situations where a difficult conversation may be required.