The Canine Comical: Middle School Satire

What Grinds

My Gears

Teacher Edition

Compiled by Luci Sain

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Originally published June 12, 2019

HISTORY

The "What Grinds My Gears" editorial article allows MBMS journalists to rant about mundane topics as a short editorial--making silly, everyday occurrences witty, intelligent, and clever.

Every year, the TCC offers teachers the opportunity to rant in the annual satire edition.

A staple in every TCC edition, WGMG was inspired by the classic episode of Family Guy, where Peter vents on the local TV news.

As former Editor-in-Chief Mackenzie Brown (2010-2011) described it, often times WGMG is "yelling when a whisper would suffice."

Disagree?

The segment ‘What Grinds My Gears’ is presented as opinion and does not express the views of all MBMS students and staff or The Canine Chronicle (Comical). If you would like to express your opinion, write us a letter and you may be published in our next edition.

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Unnoticed Appreciation

Mrs. Fitzgerald & Mrs. Gilbert

Do you know what grinds our gears? Office T.A.s that drop you like last year’s slang when the semester is over.

Is it really that hard to look through the office window and wave at us once in a while? Show us a little love? After all, we helped mold you! We loved you, fed you junk food, advised you, and made you our own!

Sometimes we loved you more than our own kids! Are you really soooo busy and popular that you can’t spare a minute to send a smile our way? Are we that forgettable that you’ve replaced us in your hearts in such a short time? Have you just taken our undying adoration and run? Why? Why must you be so cold?

We only teased you out of love. We only made you go to the portables in the rain out of love. We only messed with your binders and gave you bad advice out of love. OUT OF LOVE !!

So please just wave at us already – it’s not hard. Make our day! We can’t continue to spend our mornings crying and wondering where we went wrong with you. Be the kid we told you to be!

And that’s what grinds our gears!

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Cats

Ms. Zaida

You know what grinds my gears? Cats.

Now, not all cats. Tigers and leopards and jaguars and such are all fine. No, I’m talking about the common house cat. Because let's be real here! Those cats have an attitude problem. No other animals are as moody, temperamental, or as difficult to please as cats.

When a dog wants attention, they nudge you, they put their head in your hand, they drop a ball in your lap. When a cat wants attention, they knock some stuff off a table. Or maybe they’re just doing that for fun. Either way, they’re jerks.

But don’t take my word for it. Ask the Paradise Parrot. Oh wait, you can’t. They’re extinct. Hunted down by the millions of pet cats free to roam outside and terrorize the local wildlife.

“But my cat’s not like that. I love her.” You say. “She wants to cuddle and comes when she’s called and fetches.” I hate to break it to you, but you like your cat because she acts like a dog. You like dogs.

Look, I'm not saying people shouldn't love their pets. I'm just saying cats aren’t the cuddly little creatures internet videos would have you believe.

In fact, cats themselves no doubt orchestrated this whole obsession in their quest for world domination. Probably in conjunction with raccoons (those thieving trash pandas.) It’s time we recognized them as the evil little fuzzy-faced parasites that they are.

And that’s what grinds my gears!

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Classroom Parrots

Mr. Cowan

You know what grinds my gears? The classroom parrot.

Every class seems to have a bird that needs to repeat teacher commands, such as "be quiet", all without the sense that they add to the problem.

Teacher: "Be quiet."

PARROT STUDENT: "Be QUIET!!!"

Teacher: "Be quiet."

PARROT STUDENT: "Be QUIET!!!"

Teacher: "Be quiet."

PARROT STUDENT: "Be QUIET!!!"

Teacher: "Be quiet."

PARROT STUDENT: "Be QUIET!!!"

Teacher: "Be quiet."

PARROT STUDENT: "Be QUIET!!! ....What?"

And that's what grinds my gears.

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Work COmpletion in June

Peter Warring

You know what grinds my gears? Eighth grade work completion!

School is your job! Homework, classwork, and assessments are your job’s product, but many of you don’t show up for that job… or actually do produce a consistent product when you show up. Eighth graders struggle with this the most...

Imagine if your doctor only examined part of you during a physical exam….

Or your burger was partially cooked at local dining establishment...

In my five classes of over 143 students, under 58 percent of all graded assignments, tests and quizzes included, in my Skyward gradebook actually were received on time!

Imagine if you went to work and left just after lunch every day. Imagine if garbage collectors only took away just more than half of your trash. Imagine me only doing 58 percent of a rant!

I mean, seriously! It’s like Lincoln went ***** *** **** **** then for *** ***** Nicholas Cage. Yo! You’d better bring *** * **** ***************** * a plush toy. You always * ** *** **** need *** ******* ***** **** ****! Well, no! I already *** *** have a **** ****** **** ***** **** platform.

Hello! What would *** *** you even * ******** taco *** **** *** this quote shows? Tomorrow ** **** Principal Brown **** in **** *** pearl of South **** Auburn! Am I right or… ****! Amirght!?! It’s like you went to a **** concert, bruh!

That whole section was 58 percent of a rant--- 58 words and 42 incomplete words ! See how that feels!?!

Do your work! It’s your job! It’s simple!

And that is what grinds my gears.

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