Death Cafe

People often ask me why I run Death cafes, they are normally intrigued and sometimes repelled by the idea that people would actually want to while away an hour or so talking about death. During my working life I have frequently been a witness to the dying process, as are all nurses, doctors and para medics it simply part of the job.

It's not always easy to know how to talk about dying. Embarrassment and fear means we tend to shy away from with those who are dying or those who are grieving.

The Death Café movement has been a real power in addressing this attitude.

It was developed by Jon Underwood and his mother Sue Barsky Reid in 2011, based on the article written by Bernard Crettaz. Jon’s idea was that people could meet and discuss death and dying over tea and cake in a comfortable normal environment. The movement is run on a non-profit basis with volunteers and it now has meetings in 73 countries. Jon died suddenly aged 44 in 2017, he is an inspiration to me aiming to bring death out of the darkness at these meetings, Jon sought to “help people make the most of their (finite) lives” by facing and perhaps embracing the inevitable. At a Death Cafe the is group directed with no agenda, objectives, or themes. It is a discussion group rather than a grief support or counselling session.

In these days of covid-19 there has never been such a need to talk about death as now it seems just a bit closer, and there are lots of questions we are asking ourselves about mortality that perhaps have never entered our minds before. I don’t claim to be an expert on Death cafes, as any mortal can host one, the only credentials needed is to have a desire and willingness to talk about death and dying. In my experience of death cafes, the conversations are as different as the people attending the meetings. I have hosted Death Cafes where people have talked openly about their near death experiences, meeting old friends on a different plane than being given the choice to return to their old lives or stay and move onto the next stage deciding to return but than subsequently changing the course of their lives. Others come with personal accounts, I vividly remember a young woman coming to talk about the life and death of one of her twin baby boys, she named him as a warrior Maximus, she came to share her grief and her faith, but also her anger that people did not mention him ‘you have 3 children they say, no she replied I have 4’ she felt Maximus very existence was denied him . People have come to the death cafes with terminal illness diagnosis simply needing to be heard and seen not just given platitudes, others come with concern for friends that are unable talk about their approaching death, trying to find a way to reach them, a way to talk a way to connect. I have heard stories about the death of babies and children who have died years before, the parents simply need to breathe life back into their memories acknowledge the love for their children in the open , amongst listeners who won’t shy away. The passing of parents, the distress of suicide, stories of ghosts and the paranormal, healthy debate about resuscitation and medical intervention. Hopes, fear’s, tears, anger and laughter I have witnessed all at the death café.

To host a death café I have found that you need to be open minded to what comes up in these conversations, as anyone that comes to a death café is hopefully willing to talk about dying and probably comes with some topics they want to explore even if they feel a little shy. It is important to mention Jon at the beginning and give a short explanation of the movement, than if no one wants to start a conversation I have normally some starter topics ready to help people to warm up, such as:

· What really matters in the end?

· What do I really believe?

· How should we die?

· Can we plan or hope for a good death?

· Medical advances mean life can be prolonged as never before. There is a whole battery of heroic end of life intervention at our disposal. Is this the right way to go, or could this resource be better used?”

· What is a good death?

· Who am I?

· What is my life for?

· Have I loved well?

What makes life precious, delicious, and fruitful now

These are just a few of the topics that could be discussed, generally then the conversation takes off!

Talking about dying can be challenging for all of us, sometimes I find it hard to hear people’s stories. But it’s always an honour to bear witness to another’s humanity.

As a group the death and dying team have been discussing

§ Being more open about death is a good thing.

§ Planning for death when you are healthy means there is less to think about when you get sick.

§ We can all learn from and help each other with death, dying and bereavement.

§ Coming to terms with our own mortality can help us to live life to the full and practice the Dharma wholeheartedly.

§ Death is happening all around us, causing sadness and difficulties that people often do not share.

§ Death can be upsetting and isolating. People need to take the time to grieve and have the opportunity to talk.

§ Preparation and discussion can improve people’s experiences of death, dying, loss and care.

§ Perhaps the biggest gift we can leave our loved ones is leaving our affairs in order and our wishes known.

We can’t even begin to have these conversations if we can’t even look at the possibility of dying, ‘death comes without warning’ but even in death cafes the conversations can avoid the real things that bother us about dying, I find it interesting that the death process is not really touched on.

Dawa

if you would like to join a Death Cafe, please contact Dawa carmel_dunmall@live.com