june

Every time I wake up, I would always look forward for the day to nearly end.

I felt like I have all the opportunities in front of me, but at the same time I don't. The only time I can feel fulfilled was only at the end of each day, when there was literally nothing going on. I want to take all opportunities to find myself, but it was difficult to find the right conditions to be able to do what I want.

Is there a reason for me to be in this position? Our situation was getting worse. At this point my current job had lost traction, and my income was already depleting. I had to reconsider all my plans moving forward and make some sacrifices. It was the reason why I was interested in taking a day off from the MDverse.

My Turn was successful as it was intended, and I was not surprised. In a nutshell, the game led to two groups, BTS and Oh My Girl (ONF's seniors), winning after two weeks of tracking from the former's release of their Year 3 comeback, "Butter". However, despite this, I had to make a very important decision - the decision to discontinue major events and downsize remaining activities until everything has been sustained.

For three years, I always thought that events can save me for as long as they are done right. But I learned that not every time is always a good time. Timing is everything.

And it was not a very good time for events when My Turn happened. It fell into another forever.21 trap - something we were trying to avoid.. but failed.

By this time I was already looking forward to what's next. I want to rest. I had been working on events for four months straight and given that, short term benefits aside, they did not really help alleviate our situation.. the best option was for me to rest. And realign the remaining Year 3 activities.

And give the boys their next hiatus.

That was the plan. Until this happened - days after the conclusion of My Turn era, I have seen reports that another BTS comeback was on its way.

That was close!

I WAS ALMOST THERE!

I was almost going to have a break when it happened! I was not prepared. I did not know what to do!

As soon as we got the reports, I went through another short period of discernment. I had to replan again. I asked myself, "Should we do another activity?" I promised to downsize, but I did not expect this to take place. I said 'downsize'.. not 'discontinue'. This means I was still allowing something to happen at the very least.

By all means, making such decisions is nothing new to me. However it was the most difficult for me to ever make. Here's my issue: I want to rest, but.... their comeback seemed promising. Maybe that would only be the point where we can get.. what I call the ideal BTS comeback (I'm not saying all of their releases did not meet the ideal one, but I have my preferences which would not make me any less of an ARMY), where they will be given a chance to tick off everything on their pre-military bucket list. You know - unexplored concept, relay dance, music show comeback, the list goes on. Given all these, it would be disheartening to not do at least any special activity to align with their new release! But I had other plans.

I honestly really wanted to take a break by this time. I even thought of 'going back to January', which, despite being boring, was like the only era in Year 3 so far where absolutely no event or activity was slated. For once, I wanted to go back to normal.

But.... WHY?

I even got to the point of crying as I was making this very difficult decision, even if I can take the option to discontinue any activity for that specific release. But at the end of the day, I went with the decision to do another BE:tact phase for the summer. I went on with it with the goal to externalize everything as much as possible, making sure that the activity will benefit everyone. I had to make sure that it was worth proceeding. At first it was supposed to be a lot smaller, but.. well I even added three new artists to the event project! I still sent the boys on a hiatus nonetheless.

While on an otherwise healing break from internal activities, I still worked. But I was not aware of what was happening which I expected anyway.