The Wrath of Love Sauce

"The Wrath of Love Sauce" was a cumulative story that got written back in 2007 when I was graduating from high school. It was one of a set of "activities" that I had people participate in as I passed my yearbook around for people to sign--essentially, I just had everyone I knew add a little bit to the story at a time. The result was...pretty amazing.

The Wrath of Love Sauce

Once upon a time, there was a girl who smelled "hawt" and her name was ikkitikkilikki. She wore sweet perfume from Victoria's Secret, called "Love Sauce" which only she thought smelled "hawt", a sickeningly sweet, expired mayonnaise smell. So as she was walking down the street one day, she met a guy named Timm[ie] who looked really extremely smart because in the instant she saw him he solved a Rubik's Cube in his long fingers and derived the quadratic formula at the same time! Such a cool person! She screeched and sprayed more "Love Sauce" on herself. Suddenly some got in her eyes and she started to flap her arms like a chicken. Timm[ie] thought she was weird but pulled out his flute and started playing the chicken dance song! Everyone in the street stopped and started doing the chicken dance 'cause it sounded cool. Then it became a party! Little Johnny and Sweet Sue went to the party, but Mr. Bubbles was stuck at home cleaning dishes. He wanted to go to the party but just had too many chores! Then Tangent Man, Lord Omnipotent of the Literary World, distracted us from Timm[ie] with a completely difference set of characters. Little did they know, however, that aliens were on the approach.

Just then, three ninjas erupted into flames. Those three ninjas were jellyfish in disguise, and they were RENEGADE ninjas, in trouble for hitting a cow--which is absolutely sacred. Thus, the running. Well, ikkitikkiiikki pulled out her bottle of "hawt 'Love Sauce'" and sprayed the ninjas until they were soaked. The ninjas melted like the Wicked Witch of the West. Timm[ie] smiled.

ikikikiki had saved the party! But little did Timm[ie] know...ikikikiki was actually the goddess of long beautiful hair! She revealed herself with some words...and a long powder pink gown which resembled the gown worn by Glinda the Good Witch whose name used to be Galinda, but now it's Fuzzy Camel-Dinosaur...that eats little Usagies (bunnies). umm...and it runs around peeing on things.

...anyways, after disposing of the three renegade jellyfish ninjas in disguise, ikkitikkilikki, the goddess of long beautiful hair, turned to Timm[ie] and proclaimed how much she...didn't know him, but she definitely wanted to get to know this Timm[ie] boy, whoever he was. They decided to make a movie starring Dr. Evil, Superman, Spiderman, and the sexay Orlando Bloom!

Suddenly, a giant ball of duct tape fell from the sky and everything was stuck to it. Fortunately, ikikikiki had her "Love Sauce" and sprayed it everywhere. Then...a family of African Americans along with a group of Pokémon and Digimon started battling for the planet! Ikikikiki joined the clashing factions throwing custom fabricated "Love Sauce" grenades. Love Sauce filled the streets. The aftermath: the population of the universe was completely drenched in the Love Sauce. The end was near. All the movie stars dissolved in the Love Sauce. The attempt was futile. Nobody could defeat the power of Love Sauce. Thus, the Io Squad 2 set out to put down the lady whose name we cannot say.

Then, Timm[ie] danced around a Rubik's Cube and TI-89. He smiled and cackled maliciously, despite his non-malicious nature. Then they all realized this world sucked anyway and took off to discover something new...and forgot their pink towels, so instead they...decided to go pick on little people. Unfortunately, the first short person they saw was Susan, and they started throwing Rubik's Cubes at her, 76 of them! She was bruised all over and she started screaming a deafening scream. They tried to make her stop screaming by...challenging her to a Guitar Hero duel. Timm[ie] totally owned Susan because he's a Guitar Hero master, and stopped her deafening scream with her extreme and utter awe at his amazingness. This worked well, until out of the shadows emerged...Damian, Timm[ie]'s brother's evil twin brother! Damian started chanting, "one of us...one of us...one of us..." Susan started screaming again. Mr. Bubbles shot off on the wrong tangent. A piece popped out of Timm[ie]'s Rubik's Cube. The approaching aliens prepared to open fire on the earth. By this time the expired mayonnaise odor of the Love Sauce was becoming an ancient, spoiled, outdated, mossy, moist, sticky, putrid mayonnaise smell, which was unbearable.

All hope seemed to be lost, but then...ikkitikkilikki tossed her long, silky, smooth, Kathleen-soft hair. Timm[ie] swooned. She used her magical long and beautiful hair goddess powers to make Damian disappear and to send all of the Love Sauce covering the planet towards the sun. The giant mass of Love Sauce hurtled through space toward the aliens, who were in the way. They attempted to evade it, but there was just too much of it. As a last resort, they fired their Ultimate Insta-Planet-Destroyer Maxi 2000 Version at the Love Sauce, but faulty wiring prevented the device from functioning properly, and instead they were faced with the Blue Screen of Death. The Love Sauce enveloped their ships and smothered them with the older-than-expired mayonnaise smell. Unfortunately, part of the reasoning behind the aliens' success was their amazingly acute sense of smell. Thus, their bodies ceased to function in such close proximity to the love sauce. The giant glob of Love Sauce continued its Journey to the Sun, with the aliens in tow. After a few minutes it disintegrated completely, along with the aliens, as it passed into the sun's core. Thus, the only other sentient race in the known universe was completely wiped out.

Back on Earth, everyone was celebrating and doing the chicken dance again. ikkitikkilikki pulled Timm[ie] aside and gave him a hug, but then told him that regrettably, she could not remain in her corporeal form on Earth much longer. As a parting gift, she gave Timm[ie] a box containing a small lock of her hair and a magical pink hairbrush that had the ability to fix split ends and untangle any girl's hair, no matter how messy it was. He promised to keep them safe and said goodbye as ikkitikkilikki vanished.

Mr. Bubbles finally finished his chores and Tangent Man, Lord Omnipotent of the Literary World, went back into hiding in his secret lair. A chinchilla squeaked at the setting sun as Timm[ie] walked back home. And they lived happily ever after.

THE END

Notes:

-The only parts that I actually wrote were the opening "Once upon a time,", one sentence in the middle, and the last 3 paragraphs or so.

-Yes, ikkitikkilikki's name changes during the story. the =correct= spelling is indeed "ikkitikkilikki", but well...it's a difficult name to spell, no?

-The word count for the story just breaks 1000 words.

-The only person who gets =all= of the references in the story is me.

-I edited some of the content in an attempt to clean it up, but it's still 99% the original words that people wrote in my yearbook.