Grief Support
Social Emotional Health & Wellbeing
What is grief?
Grief is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering you feel when you lose something or someone you love. Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience a variety of difficult and unexpected emotions, ranging from shock, confusion, and anger, to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss—and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be.
The grieving process
Even though loss is accepted as a natural part of life, and human beings are naturally resilient, everyone reacts to death differently and grieves in their own way. Grieving is a highly individual experience; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. How you grieve depends on many different factors, including your age and developmental level, life experiences, cultural traditions, religious beliefs, mental health, coping skills, family support, and how significant the loss was to you.
While everyone grieves differently, there are some behaviors and emotions commonly expressed by children, based on their age and developmental level. Click here to learn more about Developmental Responses to Grief.
Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it is important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to unfold naturally.
The five stages of grief
Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “It's going to be ok.”
If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you will heal in time. However, not everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages—and that is okay, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably will not experience them in a neat, sequential order, so do not worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you are supposed to be in.
Symptoms of grief
While loss affects people in different ways, many of us experience the following symptoms when we are grieving. It is important to keep in mind that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal—including feeling like you are losing your mind, feeling like you are in a bad dream, or questioning your religious or spiritual beliefs.
Emotional symptoms of grief
Shock and disbelief: Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they are gone.
Sadness: Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
Guilt: You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or did not say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.
Anger: Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.
Fear: A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.
Physical symptoms of grief
We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including:
Fatigue
Nausea
Lowered immunity
Weight loss or weight gain
Aches and pains
Difficulty sleeping
Seek support for grief and loss
The pain of grief can often cause you to want to withdraw from others and retreat into your shell. But having the support of other people is vital to healing from loss. Even if you are not comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it is important to express them when grieving. While sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easier to carry, it does not mean that every time you interact with friends and family, you need to talk about your loss. Comfort can also be gained from just being around others who care about you.
Talk about the death of your loved one with friends and family members in order to help you understand what happened and remember the person you lost. Avoidance can lead to isolation and may disrupt the healing process with your support systems.
Accept your feelings. You may experience a wide range of emotions such as sadness, anger, or even exhaustion. All of these feelings are normal and it is important to recognize when you are feeling this way. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed by these emotions, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who can help you cope with your feelings.
Take care of yourself and your family. The grieving process can take a toll on one’s body. Eating healthy food, exercising, and getting plenty of sleep can help your physical and emotional health. Check in with your loved ones.
Help children through their grief:
Maintain routines as normally as possible
Ask questions to check their understanding of what has happened, and their emotional state
Provide a safe space for your children to ask questions
Allow them to grieve
Connect them with helping professionals and other trusted mentors and adults
Encourage them to continue adaptive coping strategies, particularly ones that will involve interaction with friends (e.g. sports,)
Reach out and help others dealing with the loss. Spending time with loved ones of the deceased can help everyone cope. Whether it is sharing stories or listening to your loved one’s favorite music, these small efforts can make a big difference to some. Helping others has the added benefit of making you feel better as well.
Remember and celebrate the lives of your loved ones. Anniversaries of a loss can be difficult for friends and family, but they can also be a time for remembering and honoring them. Whether you decide to collect donations to a charity favored by the deceased, plant a garden in their memory, or spend time looking through pictures and talking about them, do whatever allows you to honor your relationship in a way that feels right to you.
Additional Resources
GRIEF SUPPORT FOR CHILDREN
Information:
The Dougy Center (National Center for Grieving Children & Families)
National Alliance for Grieving Children
Programs & camps (Free of cost):
Grief support programs and camps for children in MA
HEARTplay Program - services for children, teens, and young adults of all abilities who are coping with the illness or death of a loved one (currently offering groups via Zoom)
* Contact Jennifer Wiles at 508-309-5107 or jwiles@mah.harvard.edu with questions or for more information
Books:
Recommended books for children coping with loss or trauma (NASP)
My Big, Dumb, Invisible Dragon (YouTube)
GRIEF SUPPORT FOR ADULTS
Grief Support (Care Dimensions)
HEARTplay Program - Parent and Caregiver Support (currently offering groups via Zoom)
* Contact Jennifer Wiles at 508-309-5107 or jwiles@mah.harvard.edu with questions or for more information