Within Korea’s harsh trainee system, Zhang Yixing was informed of a judgement result: He doesn’t have superior looks. To stand up for himself, he strengthened his singing and dancing training, this was the start of setting his Weibo name “Work hard, work hard and work harder.” He used to tie 2-3 kgs of sandbags and dumbbells (on his waist) and sang while practising. The dance teacher’s requirement was 6 hours of practice every day, Zhang Yixing added hours himself—— 12 hours, 18 hours. In the pitch-black night, he was so tired that he lied on the floor, sweat dripping all over the floor. When he opened his eyes again, he realised the sky was already bright.

Zhang Yixing summarised his feelings during his trainee period, he only said one word, “Cold”. In his autobiography <Standing firm at 24>, he wrote, someone asked what was the colour of his life in Korea during the 2 years, he said, there’s no colour.

After 3 years of trainee life, Zhang Yixing debuted as an EXO member, the group became very popular. In 2015, Zhang Yixing returned to his country and set up Zhang Yixing studio and put his focus domestically. He, along with the other ex-members, are the first generation of “Traffic Idol” (idols with very huge popularity and a lot of fans). Fan economy (a new business operation model that seeks to profit from fans' devotion to celebrities) started to have an important effect on the market.

“An artist who grew under the system of the fan economy market,” Zhang Yixing admits. He was forged in the line of the idol industry and has all the perfect qualities an idol needs: Hardworking, docile, excellent business abilities.

Zhang Yixing has surpassed 27 years old. The many years of idol life have left many injuries on his body that are irreversible. He has a serious waist injury and had to get an injection to stop the pain before going on stage to perform. Yet work has never stopped for him. Just like waist injury, “fainting” is a high-frequency word associated with Zhang Yixing; backstage, during variety show filming and even at the airport, Zhang Yixing had fainted before in unexpected situations. A day before an interview, Zhang Yixing went to film at a basketball court, during break time, he fell into a deep sleep in his studio. The staff around him shook him hard, he wouldn’t wake up no matter what.

On the year he turns 27, Zhang Yixing feels “tired”, other than physical exhaustion, there’s also perplexity spiritually. In his letter for iFeng’s year-end project in 2018, he wrote, “For the past 26 years, I’ve always used hard work to brighten my life, I hoped to receive recognition because of my hard work. To some extent, I’m satisfied. But to some extent, I also feel there’s something wrong.”

On Christmas eve, Zhang Yixing mentioned this letter again, he hopes to dissect the real him and show it to everyone. He tries to speak his own thoughts and feelings out, he’s no longer only satisfied with being a perfect idol who is adored, but this process isn’t as easy as he thinks. “Your thoughts before are all 1,2,3,4,5. Now you suddenly have 7,8,9,10,11,12,13, how is that possible?” He says he’s fighting with the “Zhang Yixing that was created for the past 26 years”.

“What shaped you?” I ask.

“Everything, everything I’ve been through,” Zhang Yixing says.

Zhang Yixing spread open his arms and imitates his own look in the photoshopped picture he’s studying. “Every time you take pictures and after the picture is taken, that picture isn’t real, imagine how sad this person is living in this world?”

Fans praise Zhang Yixing’s five features, “Sword eyebrows, starry eyes and a high nose”, “ear is thin and pointy like an elf” and when he smiles he reveals his right dimple. For the past year of 2018, this face, that has been graded C before, has become a mark of China’s top idol; has appeared in a movie with 1.35 billion box office sales; has appeared on the cover of 5 magazines and has appeared on at least 7 advertisement/endorsement deals.

“Everything around us is modified too beautifully,” Zhang Yixing says there are too many fake things, “it’s a bubble.” Once he sees the photo, he knows which part of his face has been modified. Idols live in a beautiful dream.

Some time ago, Zhang Yixing flew to Los Angeles alone. This is his first time going out alone; first time buying air tickets by himself; sitting on an aeroplane by himself; flying to America and then taking the car to the hotel by himself. His assistant and manager all ask “Ge, are you alright?” “Ge, do you need my help?” Zhang Yixing replies “you won’t be able to help me.”

He dug a subject for himself called “Finding myself”, firstly he has to detach himself from an environment where he is protected and an environment where people pay attention to him. But this kind of opportunity is still too little. Nearing the end of November 2018, he went to Japan and attended a fashion show, returned to his hotel, took a shower and came out, walked on the streets and jumped 2 times, “No one looks at you, no one cares about who you are.” He was very happy.

To “find himself”, Zhang Yixing went on many reality shows as a mentor. He doesn’t know on which show will he find the real him, his condition on every show is also different. He seems to be practising the words of Japanese designer, Yohji Yamamoto,

“You can’t see ‘yourself’, bump against some things and when you rebound, then you will understand yourself.”

In different shows, he realises he doesn’t express as well as he thinks he does. When facing a contestant, he can’t say out exactly what the idea he wants to express is. “Just like how we’re conversing now, it feels like I’m constantly talking but I actually don’t have the main point, have you realised that?” After a long process of self-dissection, Zhang Yixing suddenly asks me, then laughs, “I’ve always felt that my ability in expressing isn’t bad, this is a misconception.”

As compared to “free talking” where there is no main point, he met an even bigger obstacle on the road of “finding himself”, it’s the desire to express that has been repressed, which is very hard to rebuild. Sitting behind the judges’ table, he is Zhang PD, Mentor Zhang, yet he is unwilling to evaluate others, he doesn’t even mention the word “evaluate”. “Let’s just communicate.”

The him that has been shaped for the past 26 years, has left a strong habit of fixed thinking. He has the memory of his looks being ranked C, but is unwilling to talk about others, “Who are you to put your beauty standards on my head? Up until now, I’ve never ever thought that who is especially good looking, or who is especially ugly.”

The outside world sees Zhang Yixing as very free-spirited on reality shows, they feel as if it’s a field that belongs to him, but they don’t know that it’s not a situation where he’s really comfortable. “I don’t like to comment on others, this is a problem I’ve realised.” Zhang Yixing expresses this view very surely.

He’s even starting to re-evaluate the meaning of working hard. Zhang Yixing, you’ve strived till today, what exactly have you kept for yourself? Other people drive very nice cars, what car can’t I buy? Other people buy very amazing houses, I can too. Other people’s girlfriend is sth sth, have I gone to find one? When having a conversation with himself, he is a little fretful, what exactly am I doing? Other than work, it’s work.

“Why didn’t you buy; didn’t you find; didn’t you go?” I ask him.

At the beginning of 2019, before the conversation starts, Zhang Yixing greets economist Xue Zhao Feng, “I subscribed to your column.” He mentions the Learned Hand formula, an economic theory that isn’t considered common sense, he even says out Xue Zhao Feng’s recent weeks’ lesson titles. “He really listened to my columns.” Xue Zhao Feng was very surprised.

Zhang Yixing has a kind of worry when it comes to knowledge. He will read different books during bits and pieces of time, economic books, interpersonal relationship books, history books, “The more books I read, the more different things that I think about become, my spiritual level should also be different.” He currently feels perplexed, he hopes knowledge will be able to give him answers.

On the scene of where the conversation takes place, Zhang Yixing exclaims to Xue Zhao Feng, saying he’s already 27 years old. “You’re too young,” Xue Zhao Feng says, “You have a lot of time to go and try.”

Zhang Yixing repeatedly talks about the notion of turning 30 years old in the interview. He says there is a calendar in his heart, counting down the days until he turns 30 years old. As he gets older, the drum beats are getting more and more urgent, “My dreams may be clear, but the oxygen tank may not be able to keep up.” Because of that, “I’m a person who lives within counting down.”

In Zhang Yixing’s narrative, he still keeps the yearning (he has for becoming) an artist and an idol. Xue Zhao Feng feels Zhang Yixing is still chained by his idol status. If he sets becoming an artist as a long term goal, age will not be the most important then. If he still advances on this established path, changing his idol status won’t be easy.

Every time there’s a concert, Zhang Yixing stands on stage and faces thousands of light boards; thousands of cheers and screams from people, he feels he’s “already deaf”. After he returns to his hotel room, his surroundings immediately become quiet, it’s like the world has stopped, when nobody cares about you, “the gap you feel with people is very huge.”