CoDA Blue Book

Codependence causes a dilemma to boil inside us. For many of us, our pain and despair are signs of a deep inner need. This need, hunger or desire gnaws at the core of our being. It could be a cry for unconditional love, respect, nurturing, acceptance, or joy. Many of us turn to other people, drugs, alcohol, or other addictions to fill this need to gain some sense of safety, self-worth, and well-being.

Our answer to the following questions can help us determine how we've looked to other people or addictions for our emotional
well-being.

Do I control others to relieve my fears?

Do I let others control me for fear of their abuse or neglect?

Do I adapt or change my behavior for others?

Do I validate my value and worth as a person through them?

Do I avoid others in order to feel safe?

In CoDA, we learn that our self-worth and well-being come from our Higher Power. When we attempt to codependently control or manipulate others, we turn ourselves into a Higher Power to maintain our sense of safety and well-being. When we codependently avoid others, as well as adapt or change our behavior for others, we give them, instead of our Higher Power, this control and strength.

As we turn ourselves into a Higher Power or give this power to others, we leave little room for hour Higher Power to work in our lives. This is our spiritual dilemma.

Many of us take pride in controlling circumstances and those around us. If we think we might be abandoned, abused, or neglected by others, we label them as the problem and manipulate them. Specifically, we may over control our mates, children, family members, friends, or associates by dominating them. Another way we control them is by being "nice," passive or quiet for long periods of time. Then, when fear or other feelings overwhelm us, we rage, isolate, or allow others to act out our feelings for us.

We become a Higher Power when we control others, toa ny degree, either quietly or aggressively. We may even reinforce our control with an attitude of arrogance, authority, or prejudice. We value others' beliefs and behaviors as foolish, selfish, or worthless. We establish ourselves in a "better-than" position. Our way is the only way, we think.

In giving the power of our Higher Power to other people, we may seek others' approval, often to the point of abandoning our own needs and desires. We live in fear of those we put in power. We dread their anger or disapproving looks. We fear their disappointment, avoidance, or control. In essence, we lose our sense of self (or never gain it) because we become obsessed with attitudes and behaviors toward us. 

Some of us may fear others so much that we avoid any degree of closeness or intimacy. We work hard to prevent placing ourselves i a vulnerable position. We become skilled at hiding our fears, especially when things seem out of control. We may remain silent even when we experience injustice or abuse.

We may fall into martyr roles or act helpless to avoid confrontation or accountability. We may place ourselves in a subservient position and judge ourselves harshly. We may believe we're not acceptable enough to live a life with relationships, purpose or happiness. 

Our codependence worsens; our fear and shame overwhelm us. We control and avoid others even more. But these behaviors are temporary fixes; our fears always return and our shame is ever present. 

Many of us seek false gods. We numb our feelings with alchohol, drugs, food, sex, or work; these often turn into chronic addictions and compound our problems. None of them provide us freedom or peace. 

Regardless of whether we position ourselves as "better than" or "less than," as a controller or avoider, we behave in self-centered ways. Equality is lost.

Many of us ask, "Aren't some of these behaviors healthy?" The answer can be found in the motivation for our behaviors. Our behaviors toward ourselves, others and our Higher Power may be appropriate if they are by choice with healthy boundaries. For example, we may leave the premises of a person who is verbally or physically threatening us. We behave codependently, however, if we allow fear or shame to dictate our lives, causing us to rely on past survival instincts such as control and avoidance.

For many of us, fear is our guardian; it helps protect us from harm. As codependents, we habitually use fear to protect ourselves from any opportunity of being shamed by others. Our fear may be cloaked in anger or resentment, rage, pain, or loneliness. Oftentimes our passivity, silence, manipulation, isolation, rage, violence, denial, or even decei, are our expressions of fear. Other feelings that show up as fear are: concern, anexiety, nervousness, and feeling uptight or scared.

Shame causes us to believe we are "less than," stupid, foolish, worthless, inadequate, or unwanted. It diminishes our true sense of identity and destroys our belief that we are loving human beings. It erodes our self-esteem and sense of equality in the world.

As children, our identity as well as our relationships with our Higher Power, ourselves, and others were damaged each time we were abused or neglected. We felt shame and naturally feared its reoccurrence, yet we allowed our sense of self and well-being to be shaped by those who abused and neglected us. As children, we had no choice.

As we continued to experience abuse or neglect, our fear and shame intensified; we gave more of ourselves away. Over time (most often without our knowing), our abusers became our Higher Power. We learned to fear their authority. As the abuse and neglect continued, the possibility of developing an emotionally fulfilling relationship with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power diminished. 

We learned survival skills in order to cope. We controlled or avoided potentially volatile circumstances. We cast away our childhood, tried to become little adults, or rebelled. Many of us didn't understand our actions because they were often instinctive. 

Over time, we learned how to alleviate our fear and shame by controlling and/or avoiding ourselves and others. When we felt overwhelmed or stressed out, we relied on what we knew best to survive. In this devastating codependent cycle, we took greater control of life, allowing less room for a power greater than ourselves to work through us.

Without some form of help, we carry these emotional conflicts and survival patterns into our adult lives. We hope to find peace and happiness and leave the past behind; but instead, we recreate similar or opposite circumstances in our adult relationships. Neither extreme is healthy. We unknowingly transfer the characteristics and power of our childhood abusers to significant people in our lives today. Sometimes we transfer abusive characteristics to our Higher Power, too.

In our adult relationships, we fearfully guard against any sign of shame, abuse, or neglect. We become manipulative or avoid other people and circumstances. This fear can grow stronger than the shame itself. It forms a shaky foundation for relationships. We continue to draw others near us (hoping for intimacy) but when they get too close, we push them away because of our fear of shame.

Many of us participate in organized religions or learn various doctrines and concepts of God or a Higher Power. Some of us may hope to cleanse our sense of shame by living righteous lives. Even controlled behavioral change combined with our religious beliefs are not enough. Our motives may be virtuous, but we're still emotionally bound to the abusive, neglectful people in our lives - most deeply to those from our childhood.

Some of us are atheists or agnostics. Organized religion may remind us of an abusive, authoritarian God. Some of us may be angry at our Higher Power for the negative experiences we faced, or we may discover we've been angry at this Higher Power for years but didn't know it. Some of us believe we're undeserving of God's love or grace.

We must ask ourselves, "Is my life filled with honesty and serenity?" "Am I working toward a safe, healthy, and loving relationship with my Higher Power, myself and others?" Most often, we say, "No." Our fear and shame drive us to behave in devastating ways. 

Wherever our codependent course takes us, we find we're left with no other recourse than to seek a safe power greater than ourselves - one that can restore us to sanity. To continue recovery, we must become willing to consider this endeavor. 

If we haven't experienced a Higher Power before, our concept of a safe being can begin to take shape. If we already have a relationship with God, we can help strengthen it. Whatever our past beliefs, we can begin building a spiritual foundation for our program of recovery. 

In our codependence, we excessively place our faith and hope in ourselves, our mates, children, relatives, and friends - even our careers and lifestyles. We do this for our safety, value, worth, and well-being. 

In recovery, we learn to build faith and hope, and progressively surrender our lives to the care of a loving Higher Power. We learn to let go of our controlling and avoidance behaviors, to resolve our feelings about what we do, and to emotionally detach from those on whom we compulsively rely. 

Some of us gladly reach for our Higher Power's hand. Some of us reach in desperation. Some of us realize that our ability to trust anyone or anything has been so greatly diminished that it may take time. We may need to feel some sense of safety. We may have to act as if we have faith until it becomes a reality. 

Many of us pray or meditate when our fear is so overwhelming that we're unable to surrender even a small part of our will or lives to our Higher Power. Often, time will allow only a simple prayer such as, "God, please help me find the willingness to let go."

As we continue our recovery, many of us can surrender more easily to our Higher Power and experience this power's heartfelt presence within us. Surrendering and letting go doesn't mean that life's circumstances will happen the way we want. It means we're better able to accept life as it is and handle problems with a newfound strength from our Higher Power. This enables us to experience a growing personal empowerment and a humble, yet truer, self-esteem. 

We learn that our Higher Power doesn't create bad people. Goodness dwells within us all, even those responsible for the broken promises and betrayals, abuses, hurts, and fears of our past. It's possible to love these persons, yet not condone their negative behaviors. We can even love and forgive ourselves. In our own way, we're all learning how to love and be loved.

Even with our Higher Power's help, none of us loves or lives life perfectly. Our humanity continues to evolve. We being to realize that perfectionism is merely an illusion. Over the long haul, we make many mistakes and, at times, "slip" into our former codependent behaviors. 

When we're unable to maintain our emotional balance, strength or self-esteem, we reflect on the work we must do and that recovery is a lifelong process. We remember that comparing our progress with others is self-defeating, each of us is learning at our own balance and pace. 

To keep our relationship with our Higher Power in perspective, we find it helpful to prioritize our relationships. Our relationship with our Higher Power must come first. Once we establish and begin to develop this relationship, we're better able to develop one with ourselves. As the relationships with our Higher Power and ourselves gain in strength and balance, we being to heal and develop loving relationships with others. When we accept a healthier priority for our close relationships, we allow our Higher Power to work in our lives. We draw on strengths that far exceed our own. 

As we continue to strengthen our relationship with our Higher Power throughout our recovery, our overwhelming tiredness, depression, anxiety, despair, and hopelessness are replaced with an increasing strength and resiliency. Step by step, our fear of shame diminishes. Our childhood wounds and feelings progressively heal. We experience richer encounters of prayer and meditation. It becomes easiesr to let go of our control and avoidance behaviors, and to allow our Higher Power to guide our life's journey. 

The miracles of recovery unfold. Loving relationships with our Higher Power, ourselves and others improve and evolve. We begin to feel more assured that our deepest needs will be cared for. We don't turn as often to other people or to an unhealthy lifestyle to satisfy our spiritual hunger. Like the light of dawn, our Higher Power's will radiates through us with reassurance and trust.