Students clean tables so much they can't eat 

Has the student body ever cleaned all the tables with perfection, killing 99.9% of all bacteria and viruses?  The Mt. Carmel cleaning team, led by Coach Dan LaCount and Coach John O’Connor, is represented by the entire student body.  Many on the team fight for wet wipes and clean for a total of six hours.  

The student body loathed the smell of terrible bacteria. They were addicted to getting wet wipes in order to start a “cleaning revolution”. They began picking up crumbs, sweeping floors, and even competing to see which table was the cleanest. The IHSA took notice of their dedication and decided to turn “custodial wiping” into an official sport.

“We tend to work as a group,” says freshman Sergio Valdez.  “We often think that cleaning the tables as a team is more rewarding than having just one person clean the entire table.” 

Students are cleaning the kitchen so much that they don’t have any time to eat. “Yes, we still get seconds,” says senior Jason Isais. “But for wet wipes, not food.”  

In addition, the school is replacing the water fountains with hand sanitizers. People are anxiously waiting for hand sanitizer users to stop hogging the hand sanitizers, so they can clean their hands or apply the sanitation onto wet wipes. 

Athletic director Mr. Phil Segroves also commemorated the “custodial wipes” team’s undefeated record against other high schools. “They are on track to getting about six, maybe seven state championships.” 

“The school is too clean,” says English teacher and student council moderator Mr. Brooks Nevrly. “When I told the student council to clean the gym, the whole senior class stormed the court, and I had to write them all up.”

Other faculty have also been disturbed by the amount of cleaning that has been going on. Students have now been cleaning classroom tables and chairs. 

“The third floor classrooms are too clean,” says Mr. Dan Haggerty. “The nice scent of wet wipes in these classrooms is prohibiting my ability to throw a tennis ball and yell at everybody.”

Right now, teachers are holding a petition on the third floor to end the “wet wipe saga” and  turn the school back to normal.

Students have been aware that there is nothing to clean anymore, but they find using wet wipes addictive and stress-relieving.

“This makes absolutely no sense.” says freshman John Moran. “There is no food to clean up and I don’t even know what we are wiping up.”

“We are using this ‘wet wipe saga’ as a way to make money, since none of the food in the cafeteria is being sold,” says Principal Scott Tabernacki. “Our products include a wet wipe for $3.75 and a wet wipe deluxe for $6.25. We made two thousand dollars in one day.” 

The school is waiting to see how the administration will get the students to stop using wet wipes, and if the petition to let wet wipes go is a success. Maybe someday they will live in a world where people drink water from fountains, lazily wipe the tables, and waste all their money on food.