Embedded Files
chapter 30: Judy Murray Assignation
chapter 30: Judy Murray Assignation
Richard is back in his trunks again, carrying an injury and risking life and lower limb amongst the prickles.
Today's jaunt is dedicated to the kickstarter folk, as he collects some of the 156 ftones that he needs to send out to generous donors. He's "robbing Peter to pay Paul", though in this case presumable Peter is the owner of the field (is it corn? is it wheat? is it marshmallows? we may never know) and Paul is a middle-aged some bloke who works in I.T.
Richard is almost caught in a pincer movement between a young girl and someone who looks like Andy Murray's mum. It may well be her, come to think of it. Judy Murray has been famously outspoken about stone-clearing in the past, and once delivered the keynote speech at the National Anti-Stoneclearing Conference.
"I found some fucker trying to half-inch this bastard from my field"
As a result, he is diverted from the stone pole and is unable to complete the usual ritual. I guess the enemy won today. Well played.
Date: July 2019Weather: Not described, but presumably niceGround Quality: Covered in prickles (which is not a swear word)Encounters with locals: 40 / 0 stones hit the post
chapter 29: Don't be distracted by Botany
chapter 29: Don't be distracted by Botany
It's July, so Richard decided to go full Hasslehoff and stone-clear in his swimming shorts. Unfortunately, the stocean has become a whocean, as it is replete with wheat, thus preventing any excursions into its cereal depths.
Richard has lost his trowel again, so is slumming it with a decorator's pallet knife. You don't have to be an expert to know that this is laughably inadequate for the job.
But despite the setbacks, and with Carolyn Quentin's dismissive comments echoing in his ears, he battles on and does some good path-based clearing.
At one point Richard sees a horse! You don't get those in North London.
Date: July 2019Weather: Beautiful blue skyGround Quality: Completely overgrownEncounters with locals: 01 / 3 stones hit the post
Fummertime Fpecial
Fummertime Fpecial
If a man goes too long without clearing stones, he starts to lose his mind. Richard is on holiday but cheats on his own field with a different one. It doesn't go very well, as the hillside doesn't have many stones to offer. Richard postulates time-travelling giants who made the giant cairns that mark the Devonian landscape. Deranged.
A near-miss accident leads Richard to wonder what would happen in the event of his death while stone-clearing. His family might wonder what he was doing, and he suggests that they might google it.
So, Richard's family, if you have found this page, this is for you:
Date: June 2019Weather: Beautiful blue skyGround Quality: DryEncounters with locals: 0No stones thrown at the post, as Richard was 200 miles away. He's not superman!
Chapter twenty Eight: Bramble (Not Bryan) Protector
Chapter twenty Eight: Bramble (Not Bryan) Protector
Ah, summer. The thwack of leather against willow, the click of stone against cairn, and the rustle of naked pensioners having fun in the undergrowth.
In this episode, Richard puts forward the theory that the foreskin is designed to protect the glans from brambles. To support his claim he says that, if he were to honour the stone clearers of old and perform his task naked, his penis would brush against plants that are barely an inch tall. In stone clearer's parlance, this is known as "bullfhit".
In any case, the crops are up to his leg apex and this makes clearing the field a virtual impossibility, so he concentrates mostly on clearing the path.
The day's clear was mostly spoiled by a tenacious member of the stone stasi, who dogged Richard on his journey (and not in a good way).
Date: June 2019Weather: Dry, but the flora is still wet from recent rains.Ground Quality: Wet but not too muddyEncounters with locals: 2 2 / 4 stones hit the post
Chapter twenty seven: poppy Leaf
Chapter twenty seven: poppy Leaf
In this episode we learn the slogan of the National Ftone Clearing Fociety:
This is a perfectly good slogan (if a little unwieldy) so I wonder why Richard decided not to become a member of the society, preferring to join a rival group: The League of Stone Clearers and Rock Bashers.
I looked for their crest online, but could not find it. I can only assume that's it's pornographic.
Stones are hard to come by due to weeds and (presumably) wheat growing in the field, leaving Richard with plenty of time to discuss such diverse topics as:
the lack of sexual interest he receives
the opportunities for covert sexual activity offered by the ground cover
the sexual practices of passers-by
how little he cares about points 1-3.
He does become very excited when he finds a stone that is very big, but he hesitates to categorise it as Large-Large-Large. After all, who knows what larger stones might lurk beneath the crops? He doesn't want to go off half-cocked.
I say go for it. You can always re-calibrate the scale and add an "extra-large" category later, when (if?) the great white stone appears.
Date: June 2019Weather: Looking like a nice day. Blue sky, fcudding cloudsGround Quality: Slightly damp, but baked hardEncounters with locals: 31/4 stones hit the post
Chapter twenty six: rimmed by labs
Chapter twenty six: rimmed by labs
As Richard's jogging pants gradually descend, he runs the risk of exposing himself to the residents of his quaint Hertfordshire village. The poor locals don't know how close they came to glimpsing Richard's small-small-mediums.
Richard raises the possibility that his wife may be a secret stone-clearer. If this was the case, she would be duty bound to keep it a secret. History tells us of the Bletchley Park codebreakers who couldn't even tell their wives and husbands where they worked. Likewise, the stone clearer who revealed his or her mission would surely be struck down by the Stone Gods. Or at the very least get stung by a nettle in a really painful place, like the eyelid.
Some day the military secrets will be released, and we will learn about Bletchley's secret stone-clearing mission.
Richard stopped to take photos of some possible vandalism to one of his cairns. I suspect Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, who has probably learned of Richard's plans to stop Brexit, and is doing some counter-sabotage. Except Johnson probably wouldn't vandalise the cairns himself. He'd pay some thug to come and smash them up.
Date: May 2019Weather: Dry, but remnants of rain remainGround Quality: Overgrown.Encounters with locals: 51 / 4 stones hit the post
Chapter twenty Five: Rabbit army
Chapter twenty Five: Rabbit army
Richard has been releasing podcasts for half a year, and wonders if this is an achievement. It certainly is.
The chapter contains the longest and most elaborate email we have received so far (read it in full here), but also features Richard suffering an injury after having his arm yanked almost out of its socket by Wolfie.
He outlines his plans for a reality TV show called Game of Ftonef, in which contestants would compete to clear a field, to be rewarded with an actual throne made of stones. It isn't entirely clear how the event would be judged. Would it be based on time taken to clear the field? Or would points be awarded for technique? Either way, he's got absolutely no chance of getting it commissioned unless the contestants were celebrities. No one's going to pay good money to see Simon Normal from Basildon clearing stones off a field. But chuck Joe Swash into the mix and you've got a hit on your hands.
Richard mentions this site in the podcast, and takes issue with the "3D stone sizing system." So I've renamed it to avoid confusion. The podcast page (linked below) says that my site is "strewn with errors", to which I take enormous offence. I take great pains to make sure this is the number one stone-clearing web site in the world, and that its contents are as accurate as possible. If you think this site contains errors, you should take a look at the other stone-clearing website run by... Brian... USB Stick. That site's a bloody travesty.
https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_25/
Date: May 2019Weather: DullGround Quality: DewyEncounters with locals: 51 / 3 stones hit the post
Chapter twenty Four: Bonef of Ftonef
Chapter twenty Four: Bonef of Ftonef
There's an old saying: to a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Which is why I'm frankly baffled that it has taken twenty four chapters of Stone Clearing before Richard compared a stone to the size of a penis. I would have expected that on day one, thirty seconds in.
He didn't ftop there. He went on to throw the entire system of stone sizing into disarray, inventing his revolutionary 3D stone scale and creating an entirely new paradigm. He's like Copernicus with a trowel.
Richard revealed his plan to gradually replace all his bones with stones, until he is largely a stone-based life form. I hope he realises that, if he achieves this aim, he will be unable to leave the field without contravening rule 17.
Speaking of rules, Richard hinted that there are just 15 rules of Stone Clearing (even though, of course, there are no rules). This is referring to the imminent Official PDF of rules which are being sent to Kickstarter backers. I haven't seen this yet, but rest assured: this exists separately from the list on this site, which is based on rules from the podcast. There may be inconsistencies which are irreconcilable. Don't worry about it. One of the benefits of a liberating and easy-going activity like Stone Clearing is that you don't need to stress about anything, except the rules which absolutely must be obeyed at all times.
Date: May 2019Weather: Blue sky.Ground Quality: Dry.Encounters with locals: 22 / 6 stones hit the post
Chapter twenty three: Ye Calm After Ye Ftorm
Chapter twenty three: Ye Calm After Ye Ftorm
Sadly, Richard makes a few basic misconceptions in this episode. He starts by recounting the story of his previous stone-clear when he was pelted by a tremendous hailstorm. Were the Stone Gods punishing him for removing stones for the Kickstarter rewards? Well, no Rich.
You weren't removing the stones yet. True, the Gods might have been aware of your plans, and were firing a warning shot. But how likely is it that the Gods were checking your Kickstarter? Do you think they have wi-fi up there? Get real.
Hailstones are not stones. They are water. As any fule no.
Richard's second error was attributing his choking on an apricot stone to the Stone Gods. Again, this is erroneous because...
This was years before you started stone clearing. The Stone Gods might have mastery of all mineral-based life, but are you seriously telling me that they can see into the future?
Again, NOT A STONE. Apricots (and the stones therein) are organic. Hence, there is no need to panic.
Not everything that is called a stone is a stone. Sharon Stone is not a real stone.
Emma Stone is not a real stone. I mean, she's not even a real fake Stone, it's a stage name. The nerve of these people.
https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_23/
Date: May 2019Weather: BalmyGround Quality: Dry.Encounters with locals: 51 / 7 stones hit the post. Shocking.
Chapter twenty two: We Plough Ye Field and Fcatter Ye Good Feed On Ye Ground
Chapter twenty two: We Plough Ye Field and Fcatter Ye Good Feed On Ye Ground
This episode begins with a murder. However, rather than do what anyone else would do, and start an investigation accompanied by his dog, leading to a series of wacky adventures and hi-jinx, Richard instead brushes off the sound of gunfire, declaring that it's just something that posh people do.
It's an otherwise uneventful amble featuring all your favourites: sibling stones, icebergs, Hermione, Rule 2, "How you doing" and many more. If it was a compilation LP, it would be called Now Yat'f What I Call Ftone Clearing.
Richard gathered stones for the "lucky" recipients who backed him on the Kickstarter, happy in the knowledge that these individuals are now doomed.
https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_22/
Date: April 2019Weather: Cloudy to start, but sunny towards the end thus necessitating the removal of a ski jacket.Ground Quality: Pretty arid, but one slightly damp area. Like your mum.Encounters with locals: 11 / 6 stones hit the post
Chapter twenty one: Jefuf Chrift
Chapter twenty one: Jefuf Chrift
Richard again returns to his theme of his role as a stone messiah. That might be a stretch, to be honest. I think he should set his sights a little lower and campaign to become Mayor of Penistone. They love stone clearing there, and have done ever since the first penis-shaped stone (or dong) was found there in 1067.
Much of the evidence of Jesus' life as a stone clearer is self evident to anyone with an ounce of sense. The ancient practices of stoning and crucifixion are reflected in the modern ritual of throwing a stone at a wooden post, and cheering whenever a hit is achieved. That's just basic history.
It's a bit of a fast-paced stone-clear today, with plenty of sexual energy. Richard does stop short of encouraging acts of public indecency, but it's a close-run thing.
https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_21/
Date: April 2019Weather: Warm spring morningGround Quality: Like concreteEncounters with locals: 22 / 4 stones hit the post
Google Sites
Report abuse