Chapters

Unlike Janus, Richard refuses to look back. Some might say it's because he doesn't want to see how many stones he is missing as he walks past, but true stone-clearers will know that it's not a race. Richard has all the time in the world to complete his quest, though he thinks it might be done by this time next year. He imagines that the farmer will come out onto the field one day and be amazed, saying "where are all the stones?"

Personally, I think it might take longer than that. We might have to wait a hundred years before the field will be clear of stones. By that time, we'll probably have access to teleporters which would actually make the job trivially easy. However, as you well know, Rule 25 expressly forbids the use of technology, so future stone-clearers will have to make do with using their hands as God intended.

A number of small cairns have started popping up along the normal route. Richard does not make it clear whether these are his cairns or those of other walkers. If it's the latter, this could indicate the existence of other stone-clearers conducting a blatant contravention of Rule 15 "You must not clear another person's field ."

Alternatively, these might be the efforts of people who do not comprehend the forces they are messing with. Rather like the cargo cults of Polynesia, they are mimicking the actions of stone clearers in the hopes that they will be favoured by the gods. I guess we can overlook it, so long as they don't start building wicker effigies of Richard. We've had enough fires in this field. It will only draw more suspicion.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_49/

This was a second attempt at a podcast after a failed recording. It's Boxing Day, and Richard has the in-laws round so it must have been a bit embarrassing to have to explain to them why he needed to go out again. I mean, you would hope that his immediate family would not be part of the Ftone Ftazi, but you never know. Some people will do a lot to learn the secrets of the stone clearing society. They might even go as far as to marry someone, so that they might infiltrate the ranks. Food for thought as you look around the dining table this Chriftmaf.

Richard spends much of this podcast recounting the stone-clearing adventures of Jefuf, who is not regarded by stone clearers as the Messiah but merely as a prophet. He gave us the saying "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone", which is a reference to the afterlife where the bad people will be in Hell being continually pelted by stones that are being thrown from those in Heaven. It's a comforting thought for a man who will have cleared 35 acres of stones by the time he goes to the pearly gates. (Pearls are considered to be stones, as they start off as a bit of sand before being built upon by the oyster, in much the same way that Richard is building his cairns)

Of course, this is not really an important time of year for stone-clearers. That accolade falls to Easter.

The day is damp and Richard comments that there has only been one frosty day so far this winter. Global warming might be bad for the penguins, but it is good for stone clearing. And, at the end of the day, which is more important?

This chapter cuts off mid sentence. The curse strikes again! We knew that the stones that Richard removed from the field to send to supporters would be cursed and bring those supporters misery, but did not anticipate that there might be some residual bad effects for Richard himself.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_48/

I was surprised to learn that a general election had taken place just a few days before the recording of this chapter. Apparently the new Prime Minister is Alexander Boris De Pfeffel Johnson. (The extra f's in that name do not indicate that it's a traditional ftone-clearer's name. They indicate that he is a twat)

Richard put the blame squarely on the BBC, who have provided ZERO coverage of the Brexit Ditch in the run up to the election. Evidently they are a right-wing organisation and should be defunded at the first opportunity. Maybe the incoming government will see fit to do this, and give the money to Channel 4, who at present receive no public funding at all. I'm sure Boris will put his best minds on the job.

The weather today is misty, which has its upsides and downsides. It means Richard is less likely to see dog walkers approaching, but it also gives him extra protection for his covert activities. However, there is a chance that the Stone Stazi are prepared for this...

Quite early on in the podcast, Wolfie does a big poo and Richard compliments her for it. He stops short of categorising the poo, because only a madman would do that. He does go on to collect several small-small-medium stones and a "tennis ball" sized one.

We also learned a new rule: "Do not, under any circumstances, poo on the stones."

It remains acceptable to wee on them, of course. This was demonstrated in the previous chapter. It does raise the problem of an enamel toilet. Is enamel a stone? Richard suggests making sure you clean the toilet every time, just to be sure.

Also we have a new phrase: "Persevere. Be Severe. Revere."

Nope, no idea here either.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_47/

We all know that Richard is dedicated to his stone-clearing, but perhaps we thought that it was just a side venture. Wrong! It turns out that his entire comedy career is just a front. It's a distraction, designed to fool the public into thinking that he doesn't have time to clear stones from a field. Imagine that for a moment. Richard might be doing one of his live shows, making thousands of people laugh (or, lets face it, probably a couple of hundred) but really he's the one laughing on the inside. Laughing at the fucking idiots who think he's an entertainer rather than a stone-clearer.

Richard also suggests that Vladimir Putin has a similar scam going on. Perhaps his whole deal as President of Russia is just a distraction, and he slopes off every afternoon to clear some stones from a field in Dmitrov. I mean, I'm sure there must be worse things he could do.

However, it is also possible that Putin has his own evil version of the Brexit ditch, and just as Richard is busy filling his ditch with stones to prevent Brexit from happening, Putin might be using his ditch to ensure it DOES happen. And if we have learned anything from documentaries like Rocky 4, we know that the Russians will be using all kinds of technology to cheat in the ditch-filling race. They will have robots clearing stones day and night. This isn't technically against the Rules of Stone Clearing as written, but is surely against the spirit.

For most of this episode, Richard is able to clear stones uninterrupted by dog walkers. The field is free of crops, so he is able to go out into the stocean and pick up stones willy-nilly. He gets careless, and is almost caught by a red bobble-hatted woman. The danger excites him so much, he needs to have a wee on a cairn. This happens at exactly 26 minutes and 10 seconds into the episode, if you're the sort of person who wants to listen to that sort of thing.

You people make me sick.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_46/

Richard is out at night, safe from the eyes of the time-travelling ftone ftazi who have come back from the future to stop him.

Instead his mind is occupied by outer space, and the existence of stone clearers on other planets. If aliens do exist, they undoubtedly recognise the importance of removing stones from their alien fields.*

Richard believes in the scientific theory of panspermia. This isn't anything to do with semen, though knowing Richard this would be an entirely understandable assumption to make. Instead it's the theory that life originated from space, falling down to Earth on an asteroid (which is basically a big stone). If true, this would mean that mankind and the stones are forever intertwined, and it would explain the instinct that ALL humans have: the urge to move stones several metres from the middle of a field to the edge and to make a little wall.

One can imagine that one day, billions of years from now, aliens will intercept this message and come to Earth seeking its authors. They will find no trace of mankind, except for a tremendous wall surrounding a field in Hertfordshire. And they will weep for there are no more stones to clear.

* Fields which are probably growing weird blue plants or something.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_45/

Straight out of the gate (his literal garden gate), Richard lays down another pearl of mediaeval wifdom:

The man doth fay, "I have been alive for one whole year"

And the ftone, for he doth chuckle and fayeth nothing.

The man doth fay, "I have been alive for eighteen yearf"

The ftone doth laugh, for the ftone... that is not... a very long time (you get the gist of it)

"I have been here for countless aeonf, and have not even moved," the ftone doth fay

The man he do not underftand.

Such wise words. Richard also offers the startling revelation that Winter is not as nice as Summer.

The main theme of this chapter, if not the entire podcast series, is entropy. It is one man's fight against the second law of thermodynamics, as the stones inevitably tend to find their way into a state of disorder, strewn randomly across the field. Richard seeks to reverse entropy and collect the stones into a nice wall or ornamental cairn. The universe hates this, because the universe is a dick.

At one point Richard complains that the field resembles the surface of the moon. Ironically, if Richard was clearing the moon he would probably have a better time of it. The lack of atmosphere means that there is no wind or erosion to move the regolith around. It is entirely possible that the footprints of Neil Armstrong are still present and untouched on the surface.

Brexit is prevented, so all is well.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_44/

This episode marks one year of the podcast and Richard has now dealt with the basics of how to stone clear (the equipment, the terminology, and the importance of, you know, taking the actual stones off the actual field). Now Richard is free to pontificate on the hidden symbolism of the stone clearer's pursuit. What does it tell us about mankind that we feel the need to fulfil this task, and can there be meaning in each and every stone we lovingly transport?

On the other hand, who gives a shit? Richard certainly doesn't. He spends most of this chapter criticising academics for wasting their time ruminating when they should be getting their hands dirty. He's furious at these pointless degrees in Stone Clearing that are popping up in universities all over the world, especially the one being offered by Bryan Bramble's college in New Zealand. They spend all day studying in their ivory towers, getting no practical experience. The very fact that they are willing to kill an elephant to get enough ivory to build a tower shows how little regard they have for the world. (Richard says this, seemingly unaware that in this very episode he picked up some bone off the field to contribute to one of his cairns.)

Well, Richard need not worry. At least one institute of higher education has seen the need for hands-on experience in its Stone Clearing degree. At Saint Sisyphus' University, they offer a "fandwich courfe" which features one year of intensive work in the fields. Only when a student has spent a whole year on the land can they be awarded their degree and all the riches that await a qualified stone clearer.

Other than that, it's a quiet day on the field. The world and his dog were staying at home, like the workshy idiots they are.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_43/

As I write, Richard Herring has just tweeted:

He's not far from the truth, my fine friends. The sad truth is that I WAS attacked, by a Ftone Witch on a night-time clear and was encased in stone. I was only recently released from the spell when a maiden kissed me, thinking I was a statue of Boris Becker. She was quite an old maiden.

Anyway, long story short, I have no idea what has happened in the past year and a bit. I'm going to use the podcast as my primary news source to catch up with what's been going on in the world since November 2019. Fingers crossed for the demise of Brexit!

It looks like I needn't worry. In this episode, Richard throws several stones into the ditch, thus delaying the event for at least 2 more weeks. If he can keep it up, there's nothing to worry about, barring a snap General Election. LOL, as if!

It's a return to the night time clears, and Richard revels in the freedom he feels in being able to hasslehoff unobserved in the darkness. He is carrying a torch, but has eschewed the head torch as he says it felt like a betrayal of the stone clearers of old. They would have been happy with a burning torch, though this does encumber one somewhat. "You can't put a flaming torch on your head," Richard says, quoting one of the Rules of Stone Clearing. Maybe that's why Arthur Brown was kicked out of the National Ftone Clearing Fociety.

Richard is still being cautious though. If spotted in the field he can always claim that he is collecting dog poo, though he says this excuse will only work once. Not at all, Richard! All you have to do is spread the rumour amongst the villagers that Wolfie has digestion problems and no one will raise an eyebrow. You just have to play the long game. You will get a reputation as "that man with the shitting dog", but I'm sure you've been called worse in the past.

No stone pole today. Too dark.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_42/

The ftone stazi are up early, attempting to thwart Richard as soon as he steps out of his door. They're just sore because Brexit is definitely stopped. And they are out in force for the entirety of this podcast, dogging Richard at every turn (so he wishes).

The main theme of this chapter is that children cannot be trusted. Richard recounts a recent time when he brought his son Ernie out to allow him to experience the joy of clearing, but all the while he kept his eye open in case his beautiful infant son is actually working for the forces of evil. As the original Anglo-Saxon saying goes:

"Thought they may be fweet, don't trust them, for they may neet. Your children may feem loyal, but they will lance thee like a boil."

Richard ponders the identity of the stone messiah, tantalisingly offering the suggestion that it might be him. But then he reveals that has had done the entire podcast with no pants on, which sort of rules him out. The ftone meffiah may be a lot of things, but he ain't no pervert.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/stone_clearing_with_richard_herring/chapter_41/