Wedding

OPENING READING (by Taylor Mali) read by Rev. Greg

"Falling in Love is Like Owning a Dog"

First of all, it's a big responsibility – taking care of love

So think long and hard before deciding on bringing love home to stay.

Yes, love gives you a sense of security:

when you're walking down the street late at night

and you have a leash on love

ain't no one going to mess with you.

Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.

Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.

It lies between you and lives and breaths

and makes funny noises.

Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.

It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn't like being left alone for long.

But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,

but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!

Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.

Love leaves you little surprises here and there.

Love needs lots of cleaning up after.

Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.

Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper

and swat love on the nose,

not so much to cause pain,

just to let love know, ‘Don't you ever do that again!’

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.

Because love loves exercise.

It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.

It pulls you in several different directions at once,

or winds around and around you

until you're all wound up and can't move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.

People who have nothing in common but love

stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,

again, and again, and again.

But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.

And in return, love loves you and never ever stops.

WELCOME

Welcome!!! There are so many love stories that have been told on this planet. Each of you probably brings at least one with you today. But before us is another. And a very important one.

As you will hear, it is not a story of ‘new’ love, ‘young’ love or, ‘puppy love,’ As Samuel Johnson suggests, love like this – found late in life – is the triumph of hope over experience.

But because it is a love found late in life, there were many people in both their lives who are no longer with us to celebrate its discovery. Anne’s parents Merle and Enid Wardell and her step-mother Mary Jones Wardell. And Bill Ingram – David’s brother in law – who passed away of cancer three weeks ago… All of them, in one way or another, helped Anne and David toward this moment by demonstrating what love looked like.

But, ironically, it was David’s children who really provided some of the most powerful examples of how love inspires and transforms us. It was in watching them plan their weddings that they were prompted to end their 15 years of dedicated practice of love as a hobby – and turning pro.

Those of us who never had love of our own… or, who maybe had love and lost it…watched it run away… or knew the sadness of watching it get sick and die… it can be hard to convince us that committing to love is really a good idea. We can sometimes wear a pretty predictable path between the food dish and the place in the corner where we sleep. But every once in a while we’ll come across a well loved puppy and wonder why we aren’t wagging our tail more often instead of barking at the moon.

But there is a part inside all of us that knows we were built for love – even though love growls sometimes, or runs away, or makes a mess of our lives, we were built with a space in our heart that only love can fill.

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Example one: David Lingenfelter. The son of a rocket scientist, and raised in a UU church. He was forced to reconcile two very juxtaposing influences – The meticulous precision and formulaic thinking of science… and the ambiguity and chaos of a free spirited teenager who grew up in LRY. He became aware that he was compelled for a liberated and highly evolved spirit of love but needed it to fit neatly into a pre-measured stackable banker’s box… with a table of contents, taped to the outside.

Example two: Anne Wardell. The youngest of four and the only girl raised on a farm 25 miles outside of Omaha, NE. She was the ‘tag-along, caboose kid’. When she was three, her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and given a year to live. Anne’s role in the family was to hold a lot of the sorrow or grief the family of men couldn’t. But her aunts – all in the helping professions – developed a series of integrative therapies that allowed her mom to live 8 years, not one. Anne grew up more comfortable with the messiness of life than most poeple. And though she wasn’t sure what love was supposed to look like, she learned to keep a big space for it – and then she filled that space with lots of little momentos and memorabilia. .

Example three: When David began to understand there was a space in his life where he wanted to find and put love, he began looking. Some people think of this as a “God-sized hole” – but in David’s case, it was a Goddess-sized hole. And so, he thought that the Unitarian Church’s Goddess workshop (Cakes for the Queen of Heaven) might help. So he attended. And there he met his goddess.

Anne remembers when David first came into the choir. The day they had a service in the Atrium and they shared a hymnal. Going to a book class… and the Picnic at Freestone. Deciding to go home via another way – through Bodega Bay. And knowing, after that way, things were different. Then, moving in together.

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We all have a space for love that we want to open up. But sometimes when we do, we discover that we’ve been storing other things in that space. And so, we have to think very carefully when we bring love home.

Remember the reading:

Love makes messes.

Love leaves you little surprises here and there.

Love needs lots of cleaning up after.

Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.

Here’s the part I want you to remember: We pick partners just like we choose a dog! With all the highest hopes and best intentions. But we never seem to choose one that’s perfectly trained, adorable right off the bat… obedient and always loyal… one that knows and follows all the commands, and never needs any extra care and feeding.

We always pick the ones that need lots of understanding and patience and – as they say in religious circles – the ones that need ‘extra grace.’ We always pick those ones. Because, the truth is, that’s the only kind we have to pick from. Because, in reality, that’s the only kind there are. Those that seem well adjusted and happy are those that have – over time – been shown lots and lots of love. Especially in the messy times.

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After living together for many years, they recently talked and decided that they had ‘issues’. Ongoing issues. In dog parlance, ‘they hadn’t been house properly trained according to the other’s house standards. So… They went to a trainer (or a ‘counselor’ – whatever) and with her assistance, patience and good humor – as well as hard work on their part – they learned a lot about themselves. They learned a lot about each other and they learned a lot about the space that Love needs to growth within them, around them and between them. They learned about changes they needed to make in employment to keep their soul alive. They learned about ways they were still stuck holding onto old hurts or habits that were getting in the way of love really settling in. And they learned how important it was to them to have the other in the space they had made for love to live.

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Falling in love is like owning a dog. It’s never simple. Except to the dog… who understands… slowly… and allows himself or herself to be trained when they see enough care and reassurance and love coming their way. And the dog will eventually move closer and closer and closer when that love is shown. Which is what happened for Anne and David.

Over time, they learned to give up regimens and conditions and accept the ‘full catastrophe’ that came with the unique history and perspective of their partner. They have seen each other at their very best and most ordinary. That space within them that carried sorrow has been stretched by love… stretched so much they found room to carry promises, secrets, care, hope and laughter as well as understanding and one another’s pain. They have come to understand messiness of Love. And understood that it’s not about being ‘best in show,’ it’s about being the best at showing up. Again and again. So that even in celebrations like tonight, even when the champagne is gone and the truffles are all eaten and the last pooper has partied on, they take comfort in knowing that they will go home with a friend who is true. Who can teach them about what ‘true love’ really is.

True love is what keeps us wagging our tails. Even when there is messiness… or someone digs up your bone… or you can hear one or the other occasionally howling at the moon. Tails wag knowing that there is another who will lead us through the fear and hurt and misunderstandings of life. And help us, like a good dog, always find our way home.

AFFIRMATION OF INTENTIONS

In preparing for this day and the speaking of their promises, I asked Anne and David to take some time to put down in words what was in their heart as they approached this day and the speaking of their promises to one another. In short, I asked them to write old fashioned love letters. They have allowed me, now, to share with you some of what they wrote to one another.

David,

This woman standing before you knows a lot about love. And she knows love from a very important, very valuable perspective. She knows what love looks like from a tender point of view. Like most every child, she knew she loved her mother. She also knew her mother was going to die. And she knew that she was going to love her mother anyway. A few years before you met her, Anne lost her dad, her step mom and her dog Eliza all in a three month period. The only thing that got her through was adopting Ellie, her ‘soul doggie’ – having love and companionship wrapped up in fur. Now you have two dogs – Iris and Gracie. And it is the love and kindness you show them that shows her who you are. Remembering back to being raised on a farm, she says, “I could never be partnered with any person who doesn’t love animals. I need some livestock in my life. They sustain me and keep me involved.” She also loves your honesty about exploring the things that were keeping you from love. Seeing the discipline you had to set those aside, helped her trust that you could be there for her. She admires your intelligence, your curiosity and you ability to get so much out of what you learn. And she loves your sense of humor which unlike her own disposition for the goofy, is more cerebral and subtle. For these great gifts she is able to overlook some of your obsession with orderliness… your vigilance in the art of frugality and your tendency to prune all the trees and plants so they look like boxes. But mostly, she hopes that, together, you will continue to learn and grow and be more comfortable with yourselves and one another. That you will have travel adventures, dear friends, loving animals and a rich spiritual life. She prays to be grandparents too – no pressure. And she says, “I hope we will be able to handle whatever life throws at us with humor and grace… and failing that, to give it hell right back.”

David, do you understand the promises that Anne is making to you this day and the ones she is asking for in return.

Anne,

The man standing beside you knows a lot. He has a PhD in Organic Chemistry. Has studied organizational design and governance systems. He travels every week to the Museum in San Francisco to study Asian Art. He reads the classics, including 6^th century Roman philosophers and studies Italian for several hours every day in hopes of understanding the full political and theological interplay of Dante Alighieri’s The Divine Comedy. He describes a fun evening as, “sitting down and opening up the encyclopedia, reading an article and doing research and learning a dozen new words.” He is the self-proclaimed most organized person he knows and there is no one foolish enough to challenge him. But his most profound understanding comes with knowing that all his intelligence and all his organizational skills cannot design the love he’s spent so much time searching for to fill that goddess-sized hole inside him. Anne, David loves your sense of adventure and traveling with you. He appreciates your easy going nature and that you’ve been such a wonderful partner to him in parenting. You are practicality, dependability and beautiful. He does notice that your side of the house has a tendency to fall short of the upper-echelon of order he prefers. Your keepsakes, momentos, and especially your world class pink flamingo chachki collection makes him a little nervous and he has to fight his internal fear that someday, if he’s ever disabled, he will end up buried under 6 ft of collectibles. But his study of Asian Art has taught him that it is your arrangement of what seems like chaos that is so beautiful. “I’m looking forward to you a life with you… your emotional maturity, good humor, playful spirit.” He loves that you love chocolate… and dogs… that you love beauty and even that you love flamingo kitsch. But what he really loves is that you love him. “I hope we will always treat each other with respect. Be honest with each other. Be supportive. Be encouraging. “I’m glad we chose to spend our life together … because with you I get to live joyfully ever after.’

Anne, do you understand the promises that David is making to you this day and the ones he is asking for in return.

CHARGE TO THE COUPLE

David and Anne, wanted to have a part in the ceremony where the minister gives a charge to the couple. So, they even provided me with a copy of the words they wanted me to say. It was so adorable. But that’s not how it works. So, if you’re ready for your real charge, here it is.

At Disneyland, there is a ride called Pirates of the Caribbean. And when you go on that ride you will get in a little boat. And that boat will leave the boarding galley and travel along a canal, and just before it heads over the falls, and the ride starts, you look up and see a sign. It reads, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”

But that, as David knows, is not its origin of that saying. Those same words appeared on the sign hanging above the gates of hell, in the poem Inferno – the first part of in Dante’s, “The Divine Comedy.”

So, imagine that your little boat has arrived and you are just beginning your trip… and you can hear the falls in the distance and you look up to read your charge: “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”

Why do I give such a charge? Because hope is not what you need. When it comes to love people turn to all kinds of things to protect them. After all, love is unpredictable. Who knows what love will do in its own defense. We try to protect ourselves with the strangest of things… like order, and organization and knowledge. Or we try to surround ourselves with keepsakes, momentos, reminders, something permanent to hold on to. But, as the first reading said, “… to love is not to possess, to own or imprison.” “Love endures when it is allowed to flow like waves.”

Your charge is to open yourselves well beyond your habits of protection. Open yourself to the messiness. As the poem says… bet ‘Lots of exercise… Even when you try to throw what is good away, Love will bring it back again and again and again. Let Love take your around the block a few times in a way that leaves you panting… Let Love pull you in several directions at once and wind around and around you. Because by letting your guard down, Love will draw from you all the tenderness and understanding and empathy you didn’t know was there.

You cannot train love. You can only allow yourself to be trained by it.

This is your charge.

SINGING - Donna Nobis (Michele V. to lead)

VOWS

My dearest David / I take you as my husband / I pledge to live a worthy life / and share it with you / I promise to honor and care for you / to respect and trust you / to speak the truth to you with love / and to cherish and encourage your own fulfillment / through all the changes of our lives.

My dearest Anne / I take you as my husband / I pledge to live a worthy life / and share it with you / I promise to honor and care for you / to respect and trust you / to speak the truth to you with love / and to cherish and encourage your own fulfillment / through all the changes of our lives.

RINGS

Are the rings present?

It is important to know that these rings are more than jewelry. These rings are a symbol of your union. Within them is found the trust, the joy and the strength of your promise to one another. They are promises forged into a circle – with no beginning and no end. They are called to symbolize that no matter where you are or what you are called to do you will never cease to be connected. The real importance of these symbols is not what they convey to others, but what they say to you in the idle moments of your comings and goings – the sense of purpose you feel as you see the ring on top of the steering wheel on the long drive home through the dead of night; the reassurance you feel as you turn it on your finger before going into an important moment. The importance they have, they have because of what you give them and what they remind you: that you live for more than your own hopes dreams and expectations. You live because you are part of another’s hopes, dreams and expectations. May you wear these rings and always remember the other and the promises you make today.

David, take this ring, with which Anne will carry her promise to you. And as you place it on her finger, repeat these words:

I give you this ring / as a sign of my love and fidelity / for all the years to come.

Anne, take this ring, with which David will carry his promise to you. And as you place it on his finger, repeat these words:

I give you this ring / as a sign of my love and fidelity / for all the years to come.

PRONOUNCEMENT

We have done the readings… sung the songs… All that is left for me to do is to name your vows as binding and watch you kiss. But before that happens, let me implore upon all present – you who have walked with and witnessed their love mature… you who have helped make some of the messes that Love has enjoyed getting into.

Think deeply about all the ‘atta boys’ and ‘atta girls’ you’ve needed to love your life and partner whole heartedly… in the way that might lead to the kind of kiss you’d expect from a pair of happy puppies. And as they lean in to kiss, I want you to scream with joy and enthusiasm so loud that no one who has ever had love on a leash will dare to think of calling the pound. For this is the story of how Love was rescued and taken into their hearts. And how you help give it a home. May you two be blessed with a love that is true till the end. You may now kiss your beloved.

PRESENTATION

I am pleased to present to you for the first time David and Anne as husband and wife.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Wedding party goes for photos.

Other guests can recess to the atrium and social hall for punch. The crossword puzzle is available for those of you so inclined.

The marriage party will be out shortly after photos are taken to share cake and champagne.

1. Recessional