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Suicide Prevention Month 2025 - Part II: Testimonies

TRIGGER WARNING/DISCLAIMER: This blog post will have several real-life recounts that are traumatic and disturbing in nature. I apologize for anyone who this may affect negatively by reading this post. I'm sharing these real-life instances in hopes of saving others and preventing similar tragedies from occurring.

The first instance or rather run-in with dealing with suicide in my life was with one of my colleagues from art class. Correction - he never was one of classmates, but rather a mutual friend who just happened to be first the boyfriend then ex-boyfriend of one of my art classmates that were part of my social circle at the time. We were all pretty close, but he was an upperclassman and graduated ahead of the rest of us. I'm not going to pretend like I know the details between him and my female classmate that he broke up with, but they drifted apart. It was tough to watch, especially when they were so happy together when they were a couple. I vaguely remember one of my last conversations with him. He wasn't much of an anime guy, but he loved Dragon Ball Z that was airing on Toonami at the time. Vegeta was his favorite character and mentioned that he was so inspirational to him. He asked me to draw him a picture of Vegeta and I thought nothing of it. I did it and gave it to him that same week, only for Episode #237 to air that day on Toonami, titled "Final Atonement". For those who don't know, that is the infamous episode where Vegeta commits suicide in an attempt to atone for his past sins and destroy Majin Buu. Seems harmless enough right? Not really. That very next morning at my high school, everyone got the news that my colleague had blown his brains out, right in front of his ex-girlfriend and everyone on her bus. I was mortified. For the longest time after that, I kept blaming myself that I should have seen the warning signs or did something to prevent that. Of course, my social circle from art class wasn't ever the same again. I saw first-hand what that does to a community, friends, and family of all of those who knew him. I was angry at him for going to that extreme. I was angry at myself for being so naive for not seeing the warning signs and my inability to prevent it. I was angry at the world for pushing him this far.

Unfortunately, this was the first time I dealt with suicide and it wouldn't be the last.

And for the record, I've never watched "Final Atonement" again in its entirety on reruns on Toonami either. That's one episode I always skip now. I think back to that day and how one person got the worst message possible from it - ending one life and traumatizing countless more forever.

I tried to rewatch the condensed version of it in Dragon Ball Z Kai but couldn't make it through the entire episode. It just brings back too many bad memories from that life-changing day back in high school.

Fast forward a roughly a decade later after college, I would have my second run-in with suicide. I bonded with one of my co-workers, who shared similar interests to mine and we talked about wrestling a lot during our shifts. He happened to be a big fan of Chyna/Joanie Laurer from the WWF days. The guy had his shit together it seemed on the surface, so I don't know what demons that he was facing in his personal life. I never tried to dig deeper or none of that as I don't ask people no more than what they tell me as it's not my place, y'know? Besides, he was always happy to keep our talks mostly on the geeky stuff instead of life or whatever messed up thing was going on in the world at the time. I had purchased a copy of Chyna's autobiography ("If They Only Knew") at the time and after I finished reading it, I let him borrow it. He was elated to read it and thanked me that entire shift that he was going to go straight home and read it over that weekend. The weekend came and went, only to come back to work the following Monday to find my boss called an impromptu staff meeting to inform us all that my co-worker had taken his own life. Once again, I was mortified and felt completely powerless. Why didn't I see something wrong with my friend? Why didn't he ask for help? I never found out whether or not he got to read that book either...

The irony is that his favorite wrestler would end her life too several years later in a grimly similar tragedy.

I have dated, befriended, and associated with multiple women who tried to manipulate my emotions just because they knew how triggering it was for me to deal with suicide as they threatened to do that whenever I wanted to part ways or end a relationship. Then I found myself trying to talk them off of the ledge as if I'm some faux superhero when in reality, I can't save anyone. I always found it ironic that so many people come up to me when it comes to trying to talk them off that ledge - regardless of gender as if I never considered it.

I'm no Superman.

"In the end, the world didn't really need a 'Super' man... just a brave one." - Superman, Superman: The Animated Series (Season 3, Episode 26 - "Apokolips... Now!" Part II)

In a bizarre twist of irony, my own mother was my real-life equivalent to La Espirita to save my life in the same manner as that character did for Hank Pym in the very same West Coast Avengers comics that I loved reading growing up. The sad truth is not everyone is so lucky to have someone in their lives to stop them from crossing that line.

Last but not least, I have one more story to share. For those who know me personally reading this blog might find that as a shock, but I was in a very dark place at the end of my twenties. I think still working that same dead-end job where I met my previously mentioned co-worker who ended himself and numerous other things at that point of my life that had things going into a downward spiral affected my mental health to the point that it was detrimental to my future. I was already neglecting my physical health during that time too to the point where I'm still paying for it two decades later currently, so that was a factor too. I think the tipping point was when I started working 16+ hour (double shifts) and my resulting insomnia from lack of sleep added to this state as well since the days were bleeding into each other and I was just merely going through the motions. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone and I didn't want to be a burden on anyone as I was already a disappointment to myself and others for my life not going how I envisioned it after college. I felt like I was a waste of space and would be better off gone. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I had broken down that night confessing to myself that I didn't want to be here anymore. That following morning I got in my car and just started driving - I didn't know where since it was the weekend and I didn't have to work and I ended up back home - specifically my parents' house. Naturally, my parents welcomed me home for that unexpected visit since I hadn't come back home in months for various reasons - lack of funds would do that for the most part but I'll spare the messy details. I stayed in my old room - which was mostly unchanged since my parents never moved my stuff nor those of my siblings as a reminder that we're always welcome back home - and really didn't say anything. My mom came by to tell me that dinner was ready and she paused and merely said, "Y'know, no matter how bad it gets, I'm always glad that I can just wake up tomorrow and start over the next day." Deep down inside, I felt that she knew. I never said it to her nor my siblings even to this day that I considered it back then, but every time I think about that moment, it screams at me that she knew that was considering it. I don't doubt that for an instant. That's why I credit her for saving my life.

Before she died in 2021, one of the last things she told me in the hospital was to "live your life." That's the least I can do to honor her memory, no matter how much worse this world gets.

And that's why I don't consider myself a 'super' man by any capacity. I deserve to be painted as a coward for even considering that option instead of facing my problems head-on. That's my sin to bear for the rest of my days on this planet.

One of my favorite female wrestlers, Daffney Unger/Shannon Spruill, ended her own life on September 1, 2021, all because she didn't want to be a burden and thought she wasn't loved. I saw portions of that livestream and was nervous the following hours until the news outlets reported the tragic news. I have been carrying a signed autographed card of her with artwork by the late Scott Blair in my wallet for years and will continue to do so. The autographed photo I have from her said, "LIVE LOUD" and I owe her for that.

VICE's critically acclaimed Dark Side of the Ring documentary series on the untold stories of professional wrestling chronicles the career of Shannon Spruill and the unfortunate circumstances that led to her demise. The full episode in its entirety can be viewed below on YouTube for free.

Two decades later and I'm still here and I've had people ask me what keeps me going. Honoring my late mother is one thing, and the other is inspiration from Lex Luthor's speech to Amazo from Justice League Unlimited:

Lex Luthor: What do you want from me?

Amazo: You have everything humans desire. Wealth. Power. Yet you crave more.

And you'll do anything to get it. Why? What is your ultimate purpose?

Lex Luthor: What you're really asking is: What is yours? The truth is that my name will be forgotten in a few generations. Even the best of us cannot beat time. Or death.

Amazo: Then why do you... go on? Why does anyone? Why don't I just destroy it all with a thought?

Luthor: No! If you do that, you'll never see the end of it!

Amazo: The end of WHAT!?

Luthor: The evolutionary process. You must know something about that.

Amazo: Yes, it's why the professor created me. I have gained so much knowledge these past few months… and yet, I remain confused. What am I evolving into? What is my purpose? I MUST KNOW!

Luthor: There's no way to tell. That's why I stay in the game, to see where it all goes. But you... You'll live forever! You'll see it all!

Amazo: Is THAT my purpose!? To be a WITNESS!?

Luthor: We create our own purpose. Now go make yours.

Call me nuts, but I want to see how all of this ends too. And still want to discover what my purpose is on this mud ball of a planet that we're all standing on. There has to be some silver lining to make it all worth it. Even though I still have resentment and disappointment concerning how my mother's life ended along with others' close to me, I want to hang onto the hope that there's something out there worth sticking around for and the people that I have connected with these days are definitely helping in that regard, I'll say that much.

What I'm getting at in this post is this: if you feel yourself leaning towards that pit of darkness, don't take on that battle alone. Ask for help. Find that beacon of light to brighten your days and bring you out of your darkest hour(s). Consult a professional therapist or suicide prevention/helpline. Don't undertake that heavy burden on your own when there's so many resources and people willing to help you.

In comparison of where I was mentally roughly about a decade and a half ago, I'm in a much better head space. I understand and recognize that I was in a dangerous place mentally and I can't allow myself to sink into that pit of despair ever again, no matter how bad things turn out. I'm going to see this crazy ride called life to the end, one day at a time.

I'll end with a Solid Snake quote from Metal Gear Solid: Ghost Babel, "Life is worth living, even if it hurts you, even if you hurt in it."

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