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"Most people, including myself, keep repeating the same mistakes."
-William Shatner
♡ disclaimer ♡
♡ disclaimer ♡
Hello Sir! Everything in this page may sound familiar, well because this is season 2 of my long test depression ! hehe I know that you told me already that time when we talked that I should try harder in GenMath. I tried sir, still tried so hard. I did my best but I guess my best wasn't good enough ! huhu
✦ Mental Block ✦
I hate it so much when I've prepared so much for something, especially an exam or a test, but then I end up getting mental blocked and all my preparations just go boom ! zero. You guessed it right! That is what happened to me during one of the long tests. Long test 1 or 2? Read through my reflection below to know ♡
✿ My Long Tests Journey : A life-depleting event ✿
season two !
I don’t know why, but since I came to Ateneo, I’ve always had a hard time with long tests or face-to-face exams. Maybe because I haven’t adjusted enough yet, or perhaps just because it’s hard for me, given my situation. I also had the same challenge last quarter in my TaAG, StatProb, and Basic Calc courses, long tests.
Just like before, I had a game plan to get a solid E for GenMath, I said to myself that I cannot mess this up anymore, because I already got an HP this semester (Basic Calc obvi!) 🥹 and I'm really aiming for honors (with highest huhu). First and most importantly, we work hard for a total score of at least 68 pts. in the long test component. I thought to myself I should not exceed 12 pts. worth of mistakes, let's say at most 6 mistakes each long test. The other components were less of my worries since I feel confident that I can handle those. Sound easy right? That's what I thought !
♥ Long Test 1 ♥
Honestly, I think everything went wrong because It started off wrong in the first place. I wasn't able to take the long test in its scheduled date, because I was absent, leading me to have a makeup test the next week because of Holy week.
I then thought to myself, yey! I will have enough time to thoroughly study and review modules 2 and 3. Then I will surely ace that long test. That's exactly what I did, I studied hard, made notes, watched videos, and answered practice tests. So you could say I was pretty much confident walking to 11 Moscoso's classroom where our makeup test was.
At the time of the exam, I thought I had done well so far in the multiple choice part. Then the second part, which was graphing stopped my world ! I was wondering why my graph and the characteristics I listed didn't match. My hands started sweating that time. I was so nervous and I knew something was obviously wrong. But I convinced myself to think positive and I'll fix that later. The third part was the most challenging one for me, the last two numbers, I really didn't know what to do, I was mental blocked. As you could see on my solution, I just kept on writing the same things over and over again, hoping that I'd arrive at an answer, but unfortunately, I was not able to. Honestly, I got teary eyed looking at the problem and the wall clock back and forth, I was also praying hard that I'd remember what to do, how to solve those kinds of problem.
The clock strike 4:40 PM. Looking at my paper, I told myself that I failed again.
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❆ Life-giving ❆
After taking the test, I really really thought that I would fail, like a D mark. So, I was overthinking and calculated possible score combinations I needed to get to pass. In my mind I said "kahit 'di na S, okay lang naman siguro." I kept in my mind that I needed at least an HP. I was on Bellarmine field, attending Under The Stars, hoping it would distract me from remembering the test. Well, sir posted my score that night. But! I was actually relieved that I got 31 because by that, I still had the chance of getting an S for this component. I said to myself that I cannot mess long test 2 up anymore, I must get at most 3 mistakes to still get my dream E ♡
❆ Life-depleting ❆
Well, here it is. I failed again. 2 points short, two points. It's like having flashbacks from Trig, StatProb, and Basic Cal all over again, why can't I ace all long tests? I really really tried hard. I guess it still wasn't enough...
I always cry but this time I couldn't anymore, I don't know if that's supposed to be a good thing. But it just felt really sad. Always almost but never enough! My E is gone (gab, 2023).
✿ Overcoming ✿
After my score came out, I tried avoiding it. I did not talk about it and tried to distract myself from doing anything that would remind me of it. I watched movies, played games, and called friends. But at the end of it all, I knew that I needed to face it somehow. ♡
What I did to face this issue was something not that easy. The first step was to accept that I had failed my goal and I wouldn't get my dream E. This was very hard for me since I had a lot of questions and what-ifs in my mind, like "Why did it happen?" and "What if I studied harder?"
Then I realized this was not the end of it all. I chose not to dwell in negativity for a long time. I even talked to my friends and family, and they reassured me that they are proud of me no matter what. I just hope that I'd be proud of myself too. I promised myself that I would do better next time, just like what I always do. I always talked to God and apologized for questioning Him; I told Him my thoughts and asked for His guidance so that I would know what to do next. ♡
♥ My Family, My Strength ♥
Being in a long-distance relationship with my family is difficult. Whenever I craved a hug or their presence, I felt lonely and sad. However, they never failed to make me feel loved and cared for, even if we were away from each other.
One precious moment with my dad this quarter is when I told him about my total score for the long test component. My dad reassured me that no matter what, he would still be proud of me. He even always says that I should not cry all the time. His messages like this keep me sane and comforted.
♡ Remembering my Goals : Life - Giving ♡
By God's grace, all will be alright in time, and I will be proud of myself again ✿. These are one step closer to my ultimate dream of being a Pulmonologist ✦.
For now, my short-term goals include passing tasks on time then, getting a high mark, and taking care of myself more. One long-term goal I set is to be an honor student during my senior year of high school. ✦
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